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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stunned by DW (sorry, long)

70 replies

BadLad · 25/09/2012 00:46

This is long, as don't want to keep adding further information, but would really welcome opinions.

While waiting for the train, this morning, DW anounced that she has applied for a posting abroad with her company. If successful, it would be for two years, leaving in 2014. They could send her wherever they had the need. It isn't a couples posting, and I am unable to move my job.

We haven't discussed it at all yet, because a) I was too stunned to say very much, and b) I certainly don't want to discuss family matters on the train.

I don't want her to go, for the following reasons.

  • I don't want to be on my own without her for two years.
  • I would have to find somewhere else to live here, as I couldn't live with just my mother-in-law
  • I would lose my spouse visa if we weren't living together, so I would have to give up some of my work.
  • I think marriages rarely survive this sort of lengthy separation, IME.

I'm ashamed to admit it even to myself, but I can't help hoping she doesn't get it. I feel selfish and disloyal for thinking that.

We live in her native country, so I suppose I am getting the exotic living abroad experience, while everything is mundane for her, and this is, due to her age, the last year she can apply for her company to post her abroad, so I understand where she is coming form. I also realise I married her, but I don't own her, and she still has her own life to lead. She is very successful in her job and that is one of the things I admire about her.

However, I do think she has been unreasonable in the way she has gone about this. This is two people's lives she's changing (no children), and I would never have dreamed of applying to go abroad for two years without so much as discussing it with her. If she had told me that she wanted to do this before we got married, and that applying was a possibility, and then we could have looked at the potential pitfalls together, I would be more supportive. At the very least, I think I should have been alerted to the chance of it happening before she applied.

I feel that both I and our marriage are coming rather as an afterthought in her priorities.

Sorry for the jumbled thoughts. All opinions welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 04:40

We didn't, but I think it is a given that we will discuss it tonight.

I didn't want anyone to know what we were talking about this morning, so rather than say anything emotional I asked when she would be going, if she got it, and how long it was for, when she would know etc. It was all a very short conversation on a crowded platform and then crowded train for a few minutes.

I wanted to get some more opinions before talking to her about it, but I don't want to involve my parents in case it distorts their opinion of her in future, hence posting on here.

To tell the truth, I don't know what is uppermost in my mind. Not wanting her to go, or disbelief that she thinks that that is how a marriage should work.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 04:43

Leena, I think you are right.

It's the local government, and this is not intended for partners to come. And, as I said, there's no guarantee that wherever she goes will have welcoming relations with the UK in the same way that they do with Japan.

I am very lucky to have the income I do have here. If I left and came back, there is no way I would find such a good job again.

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 04:47

How have things been previously in your marriage? Have you always discussed things as partners? Or have you been more likely to make individual decisions?

I'm just grasping at straws because I can't imagine a marriage where one partner could take such a unilateral step.

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 04:50

The only major decision to date has been my moving in with her and her mother - apart from that, the most major decision has been about holidays, which we discussed together.

If this marriage does survive, it will be the last such unilateral step - we will be discussing things in future.

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 04:52

I should bloody hope so!

Jacksmania · 25/09/2012 05:20

Was just thinking, it's very kind and considerate that you don't want to talk to your parents about this because you don't want to influence how they think of your wife in future.

I really hope it doesn't turn out that your MIL knew about this :(

:(

Glittertwins · 25/09/2012 06:47

I wasn't in the least bit happy when I found out DH had put his name down for a potential job in Oz and he was offered it too. After a lot of discussion, the job was turned down but I was furious that he had gone about it in a seemingly underhand way.

Badvoc · 25/09/2012 06:55

How upsetting for you!
If my husband did this to me I would be devastated.
Yanbu.

SpaceCorpsDirective34124 · 25/09/2012 06:59

Wow. she is totally unreasonable.

It is unacceptable to just do something so potentially lifechanging without discussing it with your partner, it really is.

It smacks of I'll do what I like, don't give a damn about you, come or not, I don't care.

You are NOT selfish or disloyal. She is, though!

If she gets this, you will be homeless and jobless. She must know the terms of your visa and that you can't live with your MIL without her. So she's applied for this knowing that if she gets it - you will be up a certain well known creek.

And she did all that without talking to you about it.

I have to ask the painful question - does she want to stay married to you?

SpaceCorpsDirective34124 · 25/09/2012 07:00

oh, strike out the come or not bit - you don't even have that option!

LadyMamaLard · 25/09/2012 07:02

Do you think there is a cultural aspect here? Is it unusual in Japan for a spouse to work away from home? Perhaps she didn't realise it would be such a shock for you.

How long have you been married? Does she know you well enough to anticipate your reaction to this?

I'm probably making massive generalisations and assumptions here, but I can imagine in a country where, until recently, women have been expected to take on domestic roles in the home and haven't had the same career opportunities as men, that your DW would want to make the most of every opportunity she can.

Good luck, and I hope you are able to work this out Smile

Original poster
BadLad · 25/09/2012 07:40

It is not unheard of for a spouse to be moved by his company. It is usually very unpopular with the employees in question, and I have never known of anyone voluntarily breaking up their living together for it.

We haven't been together that long.

Space, I will be asking her that question tonight, among others. I don't think she has considered my needing a spouse visa to be renewed - as she doesn't need it, it perhaps didn't occur to her.

Going to meet her after work and tell her that if she wants to stay in the marriage we won't be living apart for this length of time, and we won't be making any such decisions (even applying, let alone going) in future without a long discussion.

I won't be completely jobless, but will be working and therefore earning less.

Thanks for all the replies - feel free to post more advice but I have enough to talk to her without feeling that I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 25/09/2012 07:48

When I applied for a job abroad DH and I had already discussed it in general beforehand. When a particular opportunity came up we talked about it in detail. When I had the interview we discussed it endlessly.

I would consider the above normal.

I would never have made the application without DH's blessing.

I agree about not telling parents. We didnt tell parents until it was a fait accompli however we had always said to them that if the chance came we would take it.

schoolshoeblues · 25/09/2012 07:52

She's not British? May be Asian? Culturally for her how acceptable is this?

fluffyraggies · 25/09/2012 07:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be bloody upset either OP. I find it unthinkable that my DH would do this to me. I am sorry this is happening. It really doesn't seem on the face of it as though you are upper most in her thoughts at the moment at the very least!

So you are from the UK and you are living with your wife in Japan - her country, yes? IS it more of a cultural thing over there then perhaps, than it would be here, as another poster has said? Something that is not so out of the ordinary for a woman in her profession right now? I don't know - I'm grasping at straws here a bit for you too! (Trying to get a feel for your situation - as it's not allot of help for us all to simply say "I'd be livid!" even though it's true)

I am also wondering how long you have been together. How well do you really know her? Has she really never ever mentioned this in the past.

I cringe a bit to ask this, so i'm sorry, it's clear you love your wife, but was your marriage in any way a marriage of convenience? To enable you to work/stay/live longer in her country? Perhaps she is seeing this arrangement as being allot more flexible than you thought it was meant to be?

At the end of the day she should have discussed it with you before applying. Not to seek 'permission', but at the very least purely out of good manners and respect for your feelings as it affects you in such a basic way - ie work and living arrangements.

fluffyraggies · 25/09/2012 07:55

X post :)

Malificence · 25/09/2012 08:06

I'd find it unforgivable, it's one thing to marry someone, say in the military, knowing that there's a good chance they will be away for long periods of time, quite another for one half of a couple to unilaterally decide to bugger off for a couple of years, changing your life massively in the process, without any kind of discussion.
It would be a marriage ending event for very many people, even when you know the deal, even 6 months apart is very hard.

MonkeyRisotto · 25/09/2012 08:39

I think the fact that she told you in a crowded public place is quite telling. Suspect she did so so that you would have to contain your outrage.

And by that I don't mean that she feared you, but that she knew that it was unacceptable and how angry you would be about it.

eslteacher · 25/09/2012 08:42

I can understand your DW wanting to work abroad and to have such an experience while she's able to. If it was a few months that would be one thing...but two years? Wow. If this is something she seriously wants to do I can't imagine why she wouldn't have realised how it was likely to make you feel and broached a discussion in a more sensitive, collaborative way.

I live in my DPs country (didn't come for him but have ended up staying for him) - if he buggered of somewhere for 2 years in this manner, I'd definitely go back to the UK. Is this something you would want to do, or do you definitely want to stay in DW's country?

blonderthanred · 25/09/2012 09:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable for being shocked or expecting her to have discussed it first, but I find your list of reasons a bit odd. They are mostly centred around you and around practical issues. Even your first reason which is the most emotive is that you don't want to be on your own, not that you love her, will miss her, want to be there to support her and live your lives together.

My DH had a job that took him away for months at a time but has given it up in the last couple of years because he wanted us to be together more, to start a family and live together. Also because he wanted some more job security and some peace of mind for himself, but those were additional to us as a couple.

Maybe you meant to imply these feelings but if you are talking to her or considering what you really want, I would focus on that rather than your visa and home.

AngelaMerkel · 25/09/2012 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary · 25/09/2012 09:44

That's sounds very selfish of her. But Perhaps it came out like that as she was nervous of bringing it up? Big talks required

MrSunshine · 25/09/2012 09:54

Is it a cultural issue? You mention Japan, is your wife Japanese? If so, responses fro UK women, while helpful, will not be entirely appropriate. As you will know (if I am correct in assumption above) that communication and work practices are very different in Japan than the UK.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/09/2012 11:02

Why did you decide to get married so quickly?

squoosh · 25/09/2012 11:09

AngelaMerkel You are talking absolute tosh. Your concern is that he hasn't considered her feelings????