Parent Evening Fear.

[daisybtw]

Parent's evening is coming up and my exp and I have come to the conclusion that the experience would be more beneficial if we went separately this year. Last year's meeting ended in me practically having a nervous breakdown and my exp talking non-stop partly to conceal our clearly uncomfortable relationship and partly to feel more included in our ds' school life.

Although my exp is an interested and good father, our own relationship was miserable and I had to put up with violent outbursts and intimidation on a daily basis. When my exp called the school office to make an alternative appointment they said we had to go together. They then called me and told me the outcome and when I complained they said that separated parents should go together for the benefit of their child. I don't think being pink and tearful when I pick up my ds is going to be beneficial to him. I don't think not being able to concentrate/hear how he's getting on at school is going to be beneficial to him. And not being able to communicate my opinions on his development is clearly not going to be beneficial to him either. As a result of this I won't be going to parent evening at all and I will make an appointment to see his teacher later in the term. When I told the school office about this plan they seemed aggrieved for some reason. As they won't give us two separate meetings this seems the only option, but still no support. Argggghhh! So, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?! Rant over!

Londonone - Even if the DV HAS affected the OP's DS - that isn't HER fault, is it. It's the fault of the abuser. Who is the very person you are saying the OP should be happy to share a Parent's evening appointment with.

Why are you insisting that the OP is the one at fault here?!

I just can't see it tbh. The OP removed herself and her DS from a DV situation. She has ensured her DS keeps up a relationship with his father and his father is involved with his education. Which would have been Court Ordered had she disagreed, in 99% of cases, anyway.

She does not feel able to spend time with her abuser in this situation. And why the hell should she?!

Yes, I agree that it might be necessary for the OP to explain a bit more than she would like to to the (Head?) teacher, in order for them to understand why a joint appointment isn't appropriate in this situation, but apart from that, I can't see what the OP has done wrong.

You REALLY don't understand Family Courts if you think that violence towards the mother will stop a father from getting unsupervised access to their DC's, PR, and being able to stop them from attending Parent's evenings or being involved with their DC's school.

Unless the violence is so horrific that they have been successfully convicted of it (which is notoriously hard, my friend had two teeth knocked out when her partner hit her face off the metal stairgate, and the CPS felt the evidence wasn't strong enough to continue with), OR the father has been violent towards the child (and often not even then...), it will not be enough to stop PR, unsupervised access, and the possibility of them attending Parents Evenings.

Schools just need to wise up to separated families. I have successfully improved things at my school for those that follow. At one point, before my DS1 started, they refused to even send out two newsletters or two reports. They are now very sensitive to separated families.

DS2's dad has even been given a separate meet the teacher appointment because he couldn't make the first one. It is a 15 min after school appointment. Not long for the teacher, does what DS2's dad needs.

I really think that certain teachers need to stop victim blaming and living in the 50's...

daisybtw omg.. i understand you totally! not asking fot the world.. omg im new on here and im shocked how some people come accross. Hope you your parents eve goes well. Im sure it wiil, and you can tell you only have your childs interest at heart. pwhheee iv never actualy started a thread on here im scared lol.

Beauty fades - certain posters enjoy being difficult. Not many though.

thanks couthymow, still getting used to mumsnet but realy like.. tiny scary at first :).

also i agree, cmwo..

I would just pop in and see the teacher - if I was the teacher I would arrange to see you separately- there would be no need to involve the office or the Head.

I have never had the least problem in seeing them separately - much better than dealing with an atmosphere you could cut with a knife!

I briefly explained my situation to my ds' teacher and will be meeting with her on my own in a fortnight. She was wonderful. Thanks everyone for your helpful advice. I'm not concerned with petty Daily Mail readers who have limited intelligence and no background info, but a great big thank you to all those who are supportive and generous!

I don't see that it should be a major problem to see your childs teacher seperately if they are in primary school, but once they reach the comp, there are not enough appointments to go round anyway, we struggle to see more than 4 of my DC's teachers without children booking 2 of the 30 available slots. Many teachers have at least 120 kids that they teach so 30 slots doesn't go very far - you may need to think of another solution at that point.

I hope by then that I will have dealt with my demons! Or xp and I will just agree to go to alternate meetings. If I have concerns about ds during term time I would ask to speak to the teacher at a time convenient to us both. It'll be FINE!

I'm glad you sorted something out.

It will be fine and good luck to you.

Hi Daisy,

I can't believe where this thread went after I left but I am glad that you managed to talk to the teacher today and sort something out. Good luck with everything .