Parent Evening Fear.

[daisybtw]

Parent's evening is coming up and my exp and I have come to the conclusion that the experience would be more beneficial if we went separately this year. Last year's meeting ended in me practically having a nervous breakdown and my exp talking non-stop partly to conceal our clearly uncomfortable relationship and partly to feel more included in our ds' school life.

Although my exp is an interested and good father, our own relationship was miserable and I had to put up with violent outbursts and intimidation on a daily basis. When my exp called the school office to make an alternative appointment they said we had to go together. They then called me and told me the outcome and when I complained they said that separated parents should go together for the benefit of their child. I don't think being pink and tearful when I pick up my ds is going to be beneficial to him. I don't think not being able to concentrate/hear how he's getting on at school is going to be beneficial to him. And not being able to communicate my opinions on his development is clearly not going to be beneficial to him either. As a result of this I won't be going to parent evening at all and I will make an appointment to see his teacher later in the term. When I told the school office about this plan they seemed aggrieved for some reason. As they won't give us two separate meetings this seems the only option, but still no support. Argggghhh! So, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?! Rant over!

Sirzy If our son is there we have few problems. Our common interest is in him. When we're in school for parent evening it's just us two and the teacher. He belittles me in front of her, he talks over me or interrupts me. It becomes a competition for him and I refuse to turn our son's schooling into a game. Tomorrow I will have a chat with the teacher and see if we can meet sometime later in the term.

Your common interest is him at the parents evening to. I can see why you find it hard but really do think you need to work with him to agree to act like adults.

So you can spend time with your ex without problems, but you won't at parents evening as it might be difficult. Either you can't be in the same room or you can't, make your mind up.

So you can spend time with your ex without problems, but you won't at parents evening as it might be difficult. Either you can't be in the same room or you can't, make your mind up.

Good grief londonone. Are you just looking for an excuse to give someone a good kicking tonight? I find your comments absolutely unacceptable. If you want to lay into someone, don't choose someone emotionally vulnerable.

Blimey.

Anyway OP. I can understand the school office giving a blanket no, especially as they don't know the circumstances but really hope you can get an appointment with the teacher later in the term. Good luck. And it is completely understandable that you don't wish to be near your bullying, abusive ex if it can be avoided.

Once is enough londonone. I think you've made your point.

Daisy, you know what to do about this. Don't be browbeaten here.

I would be, and have been mortified, when parents have argued in front of me, so trust your instincts and go and speak to the teacher. Good luck.

40andproud - please don't try and police the thread. I am sorry that you find it uncomfortable if parents argue in front of you. I suggest the onus should be onthe parents to behave like adults. I don't think that is unreasonable.

Thanks SammyTheSwedishSquirrel, TheSkiingGardener and 40andproud! I find it hilarious that londonone feels the need to be so horrid and also that the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes abound! TheSkiingGardener Thanks for your concern, but generally speaking I'm not 'emotionally vulnerable' just unhappy about my current situation. I have great support and my ds is given a lot of love by his huge, rambling family! Thank you all very much! I feel much better now, despite londonone's best efforts!

Have you tried that yourself londonone? Behaving like an adult, I mean.

I am not policing the thread, I am merely giving my view which appears to differ from yours. As an adult, I accept this but I think YABU and insensitive, and I am not the only poster that has said this.

Well I have to say, I can not understand why this is such an issue.
In our school any parent is welcome to come and discuss an issue with the teacher. At any time during the year, parent evening or not.

I am a bit at loss as to why it would be an issue for one parent to go to a parent evening and the other to ask for a meeting with the teacher, at a time convenient to both.

I know this time, I will not be able to make the parent evening and DP is away for work. I will make a appointment with the teachers for a later date as proposed by the school

I don't understand the relationship between asking to see a teacher out of the parent evening timetable and teachers 'parenting parents'.
There are numerous situation in families and I would have thought that the fact that both parents want to know about the child progress IS very good news for the child.
As to being able to make the most out of a parent evening when both partners are struggling to speak to each other, I would have thought teachers would have wanted to avoid that sort of situation anyway . It is obvious this wouldn't be the right setting for ALL the person involved, incl the teacher so why make a big issue out of it.
Or is the problem that the school is worried that teachers will have to accomodate twice the number of visits instead?

Christ londonone - cut down on the bile! Daisy said that she can manage to be civil around her ExP, but according to a friend of mine who had DV issues with her DD's DF, being sat next to someone who has beaten you up in the past feels like being trapped in a cage with them.

Slightly different situation in my case - I wanted to go with DP to DSS1's first parents evening in high school a few months after we'd got engaged (DP has primary custody, so they mainly live with us). As we were on our way, he got a text from his ExW saying that she would meet him at the school - there had been no contact from her prior to this so he didn't think she was going. When we got there, she kicked off when she saw me and tried to get me removed from the school by the head of year (who told her to suck it up). She put up with it for 3 teachers by introducing us when we sat down with the teachers as "I'M X's mother, he is his father and THAT is his girlfriend" (nobody had been bothered to tell her about the engagment). She's 6'2" and can be quite intimidating to strangers so consequently, the first 2 teachers didn't dare look at me apart from to acknowledge my existence.

With the 3rd teacher, I had some questions about DSS1's work so she spent her time with us looking at us equally while answering my questions. At the end of the slot, the teacher asked if there was anything else and DP's Ex shouted at the teacher about how she is the mother and the teacher should have been looking at her, not me. DP's Ex then ran off to the toilet crying for 15 minutes, then spent another 20 minutes queuing for the Head of Year again to get a list of DSS1's teachers to speak to them separately. Don't know what she thought about me speaking to one of DSS1's teacher's on my own (who happened to be someone from my old school), but after she spoke to one teacher while we were queuing for someone else, it was obvious they thought she was a nutcase from the gestures the teacher was making while talking to a colleague immediately after.

Yet more examples of "parents" who can't behave like adults! You couldn't make this up. No wonder so many students have so many issues if this is how their parents behave.

I regularly see groups of 4 parents/step-parents together. I like it. It means the child has lots of people rooting for them. I also often see aunties/uncles/grandparents/older siblings/next door neighbours. They all come together to support the parent(s).

OP, just ask the teacher for an appointment when it is mutually convenient. You haven't done that yet.

I think they are concerned that this is going to happen time and time again. However, as you've mentioned, I just want to see my ds' teacher at some point during the term to catch up, find out how he's getting on, meet her properly etc. Like you say, there are plenty of occasions where both parents are unable to meet with their child's teacher on parent evening whether they're together or not. It's just that we ARE both free, but my relationship with xp is not the easiest. I know if I were a teacher, I would want to avoid the situation. It doesn't do anyone any favours.

one parent can not behave like an adult. one parent nearly murdered the other... and you are pissed off that the other does not want to be in the same room and discuss things like an adult?

the police deem any grabbing round the neck as extremely high risk.. as do victim support who do an automatic referral to social services.. maybe, just may be the op thought that it ould be better for her child to have a parent who as not in prioson, ho was worrking and providing for her child than go through all the trauma of making statement, the guilt of feeling like they have deprived their child of the other parent and resources, appearing in court, the fall out, the embarressment.. there is a whole heap of reasons why people do not report abuse.. and a hole lot more why they do not want to be in the same room as someone who could quite easily have killed them if not for a few seconds longer or a well timed duck out of harms way..

having the parent with care intimidated by their abuser is hardly good for their children either..

Redwhite - in the situation you describe both parents have shown themselves to be incapable of acting in their child's best interests. The poor kid is one who really gets no choice in the matter, I deal with these types of kids everyday and neither of their parents are doing them ny favours.

Can someone tell me why it is beneficial for a child to have BOTH their parents at the parent evening? I'm not going. I'll chat to his teacher when it's convenient. I don't understand why so many of you think it's so very important that separate parents should sit down with each other and discuss their child TOGETHER, when they are NOT TOGETHER under general circumstances? londonone either you're laughing while you type because you can't honestly be this angry...or you're really Jeremy Vine. Actually, you're not clever enough to be Jeremy Vine...Jeremy Kyle would be more apt.

How odd that you consider the impact of DV on children to be a laughing matter and not something to be angry about. That really does explain a lot. Though I shouldn't be surprised given that you consider a man who you say tried to strangle you to be a good father. Very odd

Londonone, you surpass yourself with compassion. Let's see how easy YOU would find it to cope with someone who has previously been violent towards you while trying to discuss your child's education.

And as for expecting the OP to be civil - SHE is. It's her ex who is not being civil, by talking over the top of her, ignoring her and belittling her and trying to 'point score' rather than trying to do what the OP IS doing by trying to put this aside for their DS.

You can't have a civil relationship with an abuser, no matter how civil YOU are, because if you are not doing things THEIR way, then THEY will not be civil towards you.

Separate appointments should not be a massive thing to arrange in a Primary school, though I accept that in a Secondary, things will be harder.

What I WILL say is that if it is impossible for both parents to attend together, for whatever reason, then it should be the Main carer/Resident parent that takes the parents evening, and the NRP that has to make alternative arrangements, and deal with it with the school.

If the school won't budge, talk to the LEA about it.

And in a lot of cases, the Resident Parent has NO CHOICE in letting an ex partner who has almost killed them take as much a part in school matters as they do, simply because it will be Court Ordered because the courts do not consider violence unless it has been directed towards the child.

Believe me, I have been there myself. Though I am now able to happily sit through a parents evening WITH my Ex-H, it took me until DS1 was in Y3 and things had calmed down a lot first. I split up with him when DS1 was 9mo (so fairly similar to the OP), he still TRIES to act the way he used to, but it took until our DS1 was 7/8yo before I was strong enough not to fall to pieces and be catapulted back to how it was and how scared I used to be, every time he spoke over me, or belittled me, or ignored me.

DV is a very powerful thing, and it can take quite some time to feel strong enough to deal with the perpetrator in certain situations, and I found Parent's evenings one of them. For the last 2 years, I have been stronger and more able to deal with him, and NOT let him talk over me or belittle me (a well placed but icily polite "Do NOT talk to me like that, we are here to discuss our DS's educational progress" works wonders), but I am a stronger person now.

Maybe the OP just isn't at that point yet.

londonone You're grossly mistaken and I am extremely concerned about your ability to work with children when you hold these opinions. There is no black and white in these situations. There was very little impact on my child because he didn't witness anything, he doesn't remember me and his father being together and because we have protected him fiercely. His father and I struggled to have a healthy relationship due to our past, which is far too complicated to go into. He is now married to a woman who is very strong, opinionated and lovely with my son. She is not abused. I am disgusted that you can come to this extremely warped opinion of me based on the fact that we will struggle to have a worthwhile meeting at school because of the history we have. My son has lots of friends, his father lives fairly locally, his grandparents are in the same town and he is confident, lively and happy. Anyone who knows him would say the same. You are a very sad person and I am very sad to have come across you here.

You are naive in the extreme. Babies in the womb are affected by DV so if it was as you say it was your son will have been affected despite his young age. You seem very sure that your partner has "changed" with his new wife. Even a cursory look at research around DV would tell you how unlikely this is. There is no black and white but there s an enormous body of evidence to show the harmful impact of DV on children. I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear, I can understand why you would like these things not to be true.

No, I'm not naive. I'm right and you're wrong. I'm 100% certain that my ex doesn't hurt his wife. My son never witnessed any DV, he was never in close proximity. Big house. We're very middle class which probably doesn't suit your sensibilities.

Tell me, have you suffered domestic abuse? I'm interested because you seem to feel you can comment? Because googling domestic violence and then spouting this crap doesn't make you an expert. And no, what you've said is not what I want to hear because it's toxic and completely untrue. I came onto Mumsnet because I was genuinely upset and worried and wanted advice. This isn't advice, this is shit stirring and I don't like it.

Do you not think that DV happens in middle class households then? Another odd view. All the parents I work with, where DV is a factor, say the children haven't been affected. Yet all the research shows that DV impacts on children even from the prebirth stage. I am glad you are so confident that your ex is not abusing his wife, after all DV is never hidden from outsiders is it?