Parent Evening Fear.

[daisybtw]

Parent's evening is coming up and my exp and I have come to the conclusion that the experience would be more beneficial if we went separately this year. Last year's meeting ended in me practically having a nervous breakdown and my exp talking non-stop partly to conceal our clearly uncomfortable relationship and partly to feel more included in our ds' school life.

Although my exp is an interested and good father, our own relationship was miserable and I had to put up with violent outbursts and intimidation on a daily basis. When my exp called the school office to make an alternative appointment they said we had to go together. They then called me and told me the outcome and when I complained they said that separated parents should go together for the benefit of their child. I don't think being pink and tearful when I pick up my ds is going to be beneficial to him. I don't think not being able to concentrate/hear how he's getting on at school is going to be beneficial to him. And not being able to communicate my opinions on his development is clearly not going to be beneficial to him either. As a result of this I won't be going to parent evening at all and I will make an appointment to see his teacher later in the term. When I told the school office about this plan they seemed aggrieved for some reason. As they won't give us two separate meetings this seems the only option, but still no support. Argggghhh! So, AM I BEING UNREASONABLE?! Rant over!

jacqui 5 times a year? Lucky you. I do 14!

So you don't want to tell the school why you just want different treatment. FFS why the hell don you take your partner along for support if it's so difficult. You managed it once before, it wasn't perfect but you managed it. Why should the school be inconvenienced to deal with your issues. Not your child,s issues, your issues.

How can you expect the school to understand if you don't let them know what they are understanding?

Sorry but I think YABU.

YABU really

You and your ex need to get yourselves together for the sake of your child.

My DS's Primary is one of the largest in London with almost 1000 pupils.

There's no way every teacher could be expected to see parents separately unless in extreme circumstances.

whathasthecatdonenow Yes, I think I should've gone directly to his teacher, but parentmail said we should make appointments through the office. Also I worry about discussing things like this at the end of school with all the kids about. This is only his second year at primary and I' guess it's teething problems! I feel wretched though. I can't explain how it feels to be sitting next to someone who has beaten the hell out of you while trying to put your child's best interests first. I just don't feel comfortable at all and I cried last year in front of both teacher and exp. Awful! Just don't want to do it. I thought the school was going to make me! They kept saying separated parents had to go to parent evening together and I know it sounds childish, but I really can't do it. So I'm not going to. I'm going to be in the playground with ds instead! For the record exp and I are civil when ds is there and we've (ok, I've) worked REALLY hard to maintain that.

I think YABU and YANBU to be honest.

YANBU to not want to share an appointment with an abusive ex-partner. Nobody would want to or should be made to. But it's not really fair to expect the school to accomodate that, which in fairness to you, you have tried to minimise by asking for an appointment on a separate occasion rather than insist on a second slot for the actual evening.

To be honest, I'm surprised the school don't have some sort of provision for situations like this as standard. DV and acrimonious break-ups aren't exactly uncommon, and with the huge number of children a school handles, it stands to reason that they must have at least a fraction of those children come from separated families. Tricky one to manage I suppose. I remember my primary and secondary schools handing out two copies of school reports to kids with a non-resident parent, so each parent could have a copy. That's as much attention as I ever paid to it though!

Longer term I think you need to deal with your fear of being around XP, rather than having to push for separate appointments. I think some of the secondary teachers on this thread have highlighted that 'doubling up' will be more complex at big school. Also (sorry, not trying to be a bitch) what if your DS has any issues or illnesses later down the line, when you and xp will have to share air time? How do you think his graduation, or wedding, will work, for example?

I don't mean to kick you when you're down and I don't think YABU to request a separate appointment at this time, but I think you are going to have to find a strategy to help you in the future. Assertiveness course? Counselling? Having a friend or P accompany you?

Our school will see parents separately if you contact the teacher and ask her to give you a different appointment to your Ex.
My Dh has rarely made the meetings but comes if he manages to be home in time.
Ours give the teacher a whole week to make it through all the class. So with nearly 30 kids, she makes a few for each day of the week, and see them after class gets out. Everyone gets 15 mins or so in private, no one waiting to jump into the hot seat.

Stop thinking of yourself as a victim. You say you can't do it, but you can do it and have done it, so that holds no water. Take your partner if necessry

I think this would be solved if you would tell school why you need a separate appointment. Unfortunately lots of separated parents demand these things, so schools often have blanket policies. If you won't tell them why you are an exception, they can't treat you as one.

Honestly, most teachers are not evil, your son's class teacher won't want you to be upset and fearful, but if you don't tell them that you will be, it can't be sorted out. YANBU to want to see the teacher at another time, separately, but YABU to expect the school staff to magically know that you have a bloody good reason not to be near your ex.

I would just pop in and have a friendly chat with the teacher - I'm sure that something would be sorted out.

As a primary teacher my view is this.

It is unreasonable to expect 2 appointments on the parents evening day(s). As a school only one per child is allowed. These days are hell enough as it it's without potentially doubling it!

It is not unreasonable to have separate appointments for you and exp, however one of you will have to choose a different day to meet with teacher after school. I often do these after school in the following weeks. This seems to be a happy compromise!

The only time this doesn't work is if you both want seperate appointments anytime after 6. That's the sticking point.

Hope you can work it out.

As a teacher myself, I can appreciate all the comments made here by teachers about the practicalities of fitting in all parents. However, in my view, YANBU because you are dealing with awful personal circumstances and if you approached me, with even the slightest detail about your situation, I would accommodate you separately without question. I think you have done the right thing and any teacher with an ounce of compassion would be happy to see you on another day from your exp.

Btw, I think you are probably a saint for trying to put your feelings aside for the benefit of your child. I don't think your exp deserves a relationship with your son after what he did to you but I understand why you are trying to preserve a relationship between them. Bless your heart x

I thought this was a forum where parents supported one another. I feel thoroughly depressed now. WilsonFrickett I know it's my issue and I've had counselling about it. And I thought about this earlier...it's invariably going to get more difficult down the line if I keep avoiding doing these school things with xp. But I know if we go together on Wed It'll be hard for me, hard (and really uncomfortable) for the teacher, hard for xp and none of us will get much out of the meeting that will benefit ds. I think I was right to ask to arrange a meeting later on. Last year I arranged an appointment to see his class teacher on my own and there was no problem with it. Maybe I posted this in the wrong place. Perhaps I don't really want to know if I'm being unreasonable.

Oh thank-you to 40andproud and LauraSmurf! I had almost lost faith!

I'm sorry to say it, but I think yabu.

It's ok for you to want separate appointments if you have a history of domestic violence, but I can fully understand the school not handing out separate appointments to anyone who asks. Otherwise people would start doing it for childcare reasons, or so that the parent who works late can go at a convenient time while the other one goes earlier etc. Teachers have lives too, they cannot be expected to accommodate double the number of parents that they have to see because of personal issues.

I don't think it's fair for you to ask for an email assesment either tbh, teachers at my school don't have enough hours in the day to do what they already need to do without parents piling more on them.

I think you have a choice. You can tell them the history of DV and expect that they should make a special allowance for you. Which if they know the circumstances, I think they should. But if you don't want to tell them, then I think you have to just choose which one of you goes. Take it in turns for each parents evening, with the other having a quick chat with the teacher after school. Or, one of you goes and emails the other the details of what was said. You can take notes during the meeting so you don't forget anything.

It is unfair of you to just expect that they will be supportive of your descison. They are there for your child.

Have you thought about asking them to send out two copies of reports and given them both of your email addresses for newsletters? My school does this, even though my ex and I are happy to share reports. It des make it easier with emails though. It means its not my responsibilty to remind ex when all the school events are.

daisybtw, I think far more people would react like 40andproud; in real life most people are thoughtful when it comes down to it (though AIBU doesn't always seem that way). If you're happy to have your session on a different time, if a teacher has a problem with that, there's something wrong with the teacher; it isn't as though a floodgate is really going to open as a result.

But the OP hasn't even asked the teacher which should surely be the first port of call?

Doesn't solve the much bigger issue though that to keep the relationship civil then both parents will have to make the effort to do things like this together. I asked earlier what happens with hospital appointments and other things where seperate meetings aren't possible?

Hey fuck it why not just ask for separate hospital appointments as well.

londonone I really don't think you're in a position to advise me on this one. I don't play the victim card under usual circumstances, this is a forum for parents to share their experiences, so I can freely admit that I was in a violent relationship. Thanks for your sympathetic view on this.

I won't take my partner to a parent evening because we are not yet in the stage in our relationship where I would want him to have that level of involvement in my son's life. I would not be comfortable with xp bringing his wife to a parent evening, so why should I bring my boyfriend? Surely accommodating FOUR of us would be far more of an issue for the teacher than just seeing ONE of us! I am allowed to make an appointment to see my son's teacher whenever I see fit and that is the main issue here. I don't expect to be treated like some kind of freak when I ask to see my child's teacher. SO THERE!

Most people have accepted that there is sometimes the need for separate appointments. However, when the OP hasn't explained to school why there is that need, then is it not a little unfair to expect them to magically know?

OP, speak to the teacher. The office don't make appointments for individual teachers (not anywhere I have worked, anyway).

It isn't as though a floodgate is going to open up as a result

I have to disagree with that I'm afraid. Depending on the school and the parents there, it could open up a huge floodgate. Plenty of parents would rightly wonder why their child wasn't entitled to two appointments because of Dad working shifts in the police force, because of the fact that they have no childcare and don't want to take a baby, I'm sure there are lost of reasons why families find it difficult having appointments at the same time.

Unless people know your situation, they could well start going into school complaining about their own need for two appointments. It would drive the playground gossips crazy.

Bloody hell londonone have you had a compassion bypass?

Ignore her daisybtw and thank your lucky stars she's not your son's teacher. I totally understand where you're coming from. 20+ years later I still suffer from PTSD from being in a violent relationship. Talk to the teacher, make other arrangements for another day and take care of yourself too.