to hate it when a friend treats you badly and mutual friends say you've had an argument?

[Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot]

I just want to scream "We didn't have an argument, she treated me badly, I didn't do anything wrong"

Said 'friend' had been slagging me off and saying terrible things about me to our mutual friends. Yet they all say we 'had an argument'. Also they are all still happy to be friends with her despite knowing the things she said about me were lies and that she behaved in a twisted manner.

I'm not an angry person at all missymoomoo. You're wrong there

And actually yes, as my friends were so shocked about what she said and agreed it was lies, I don't see why they would want to be friends with someone who does something as twisted as this. I wouldn't want to be. Would you?

Because they've told me what she said MrDobalina, and it was lies. If she's lied about those things, then chances are she will do it again

It is horrible and unfair and I'm not suprised you're angry.

Agree the Wendy thread is a good one to read.

I wouldn't trust the friends that told you. IMO they should have just realised friend A was being horrible and felt that reflected badly on her. There was no need to upset you.

I had 3 good friends A, B & C. C was slagging me off to A and leaving me out of meet ups. A spoke to B about how bad she felt. They both agreed to distance themself from C and only told me what had happened when they had to. With lots of apologies. That is how friends should act IMO and made me think very highly of friends A & B.

BillyBollyBandy, that is exactly what I would expect true friends to do.

I wouldn't want to be. Would you?

we dont flippin know, because we dont know what she said

i do know, I wouldnt be keen on keeping the friends that see fit to pass on the hurtful things that they have been told (in confidence?)

or actually...was it in confidence? if you are a group, might she have wanted them to tell you?

Yes but then she's won hasnt she CachuHwch? They'll all be her friends, despite her behaviour and I'll be pushed out despite doing nothing wrong.

I don't want to sound harsh but in my experience, nobody is ever absolutely right in these circumstances. Which is why grief will always result from trying to force mutual friends to accept your side of a situation. Far better to deal with the horrid person (and accept that karma is a powerful thing) personally but leave your friends out of it.

Dear OP

This happened to me, and people were like that at the start. Then eventually one by one they all found out for themselves when she did it to them. Take a deep breath, stand back. Karma will provide. Not one single person talks to my ex friend now she is getting evicted and has had her kids taken away.

I AM COMPLETELY ON YOUR SIDE

Until you have been a victim of this, you have NO IDEA how FUCKING INFURIATING IT IS.

I know you aren't asking them to take sides but that's what it amounts to in practice (because the 'friend' is going to take issue with your version of events). They can't win by getting involved which is why, as I said in my earlier post, the only rational response is to stay out of it. It hurts and is unfair but you can't blame them.

Again though, it would really help if we knew what it was this woman said. Otherwise it's all a but academic.

What Hullygully said.

Yes its pathetic, childish, so so SO stupid. But it still hurts.

lightlygrilled unfortunately, even though you've done nothing wrong, it may be better for you to walk away, head held high... ultimately do you want to be close friends with a group of people when one in the group slates you, and the others tell you? I'm not saying the other friends were wrong, or bad in telling you, but you feel unfairly treated. Friends shouldn't make each other feel that way.

It still stings that I haven't got my coven to party with... we had some great times, but it was all a bit of a con really, the reality was they were all as bad as each other. I walked, slowly, and I feel so much better just to be out of it. (Especially since I heard the group has imploded, its spilt over into their children's lives, the schoolyard, everything - they all look foolish).

Laqueen, I don't expect them to take sides and snub her. I do however expect them not to refer to it as a row, when I didn't do anything wrong and there has been no row. I didn't involve others btw, I was told by the others and was oblivious to her behaviour until they told me what had been said.

I'm confused that some of you are saying to leave my friends out of it and that I've involved them, when they told me what had been said and then they all said they knew it was lies. I've barely mentioned it to any of them since. I certainly don't want to get others involved or have all this hassle, believe me.

I just think too that if I was to tackle the one that has slagged me off I would look childish, and like I listen to gossip.

Actually you're probably right Laqueen, the answer is to ditch the lot of them.

I just hope they have all got her measure after saying they knew she was lying and that she was out of order.

you must be speaking baout it if 'they all say you've had an arguement'

also in your OP it definitely osunds like you resent them still being friends with her

in fact in your 2nd post, you say 'not getting involved is a cop out IMO'

so you do want the others to be involved

No, I don't talk about it MrDobalina.

I do think it's a bit of a cop out as I think they should have said that she was out of order, or even that they didn't want to hear me being slagged off would have sufficed.

I wouldn't just sit there and let someone say venemous lies about a friend.

I had someone lay into me for no reason whatsoever and the mutual friends said nothing, did nothing continued to be friends with him, and basically excluded me from the group. So infuriating and upsetting. YANBU!

no i wouldnt either lightly

My advice would be to just play it down every time they mention it and never bring it up yourself. I know it's much easier said than done. In my situation the first time each friend said something like 'oh, it would be easier if you just got along' I replied 'I would never ask you to get along with someone who tried to do this to you, I hope you are never in this situation.' Every mention after that I would just nod, 'Mmmm' and change the subject.
My friends and I are now 26/27 and whilst this woman and I are not best mates we all get along just fine. My partner and I have been together now for 8 1/2 years.

Separating who you are angry at and why is helpful to. I would focus on being annoyed with the woman who has been saying horrible things about you rather than your friends trying (badly admittedly) to smooth things over.

Look, if you wan to maintain contact with your other friends, you've got to rise above this, however unfair and hard it seems. The Wendy is horrible and the other friends are being rather drippy, to put it kindly. But that is life, unfortunately. In my experience a surprising number of people have very little moral backbone.

Let the Wendy do her thing-ignore. If she carries on, your other friends will tire of having to listen to slag-offs all the time. If you give no reaction, to her or your friends, she will have the irritation of knowing that all her efforts to hurt and isolate you have not worked. Do nothing that might feed the drama and it will probably die down.

I wouldn't just sit there and let someone say venemous lies about a friend.

I wouldn't either. But the problem is that this is highly objective. You have to be absolutely certain that lies are, in fact, what you are being told. I say this after detaching myself from a woman who could have been Queen of the Vipers. It is now quite clear that most of her rants accounts about what others had done to her were a tissue of lies.

Now I'm not saying that you are a liar. Far from it. But I am saying that the whole culture of tale-telling is deeply unhealthy and I prefer not to mix with people who think it is a normal part of friendship. It isn't.