to hate it when a friend treats you badly and mutual friends say you've had an argument?

[Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot]

I just want to scream "We didn't have an argument, she treated me badly, I didn't do anything wrong"

Said 'friend' had been slagging me off and saying terrible things about me to our mutual friends. Yet they all say we 'had an argument'. Also they are all still happy to be friends with her despite knowing the things she said about me were lies and that she behaved in a twisted manner.

I really hope things improve for you. Otherwise it might be time to distance yourself from the lot of them.

I am a delight. I am also a pragmatic adult. She said-she said gangs of whispering girls belong in the school yard. Do yourself a favour, rise above it and don't engage. It will go away faster.

^Agree.

I know its very school yard and you kick yourself for being upset over the bloody pettiness of it all, but it hurts, and I do understand.

It's all got me down a lot. I hate confrontation and falling out with people, and normally go out of my way to avoid it.

I've not even really confronted the woman who slagged me off. I've been civil but distant when I've seen her, even though I want to tell her how hurtful what she said was.

Of course the obvious solution is to call this person on her bahaviour, ask why she is slagging you off and it will end up in a row, then everyone's happy
Yanbu to be upset, but "argument seems to be the polite way of saying that 2 people can't stand each other and really it's up to you two to sort out your issues or walk away, your other friends are obviously trying to not get involved but don't want you to think that they are involved in talking behind your back.

MrSunshine. Haven't you read any of my posts on this thread? I haven't engaged about it at all. I am an adult too and have behaved in an adult way, but still find it extremely upsetting. I think your posts have come across as being overly harsh, and totally missing the point.

I've never said I can't stand her, Ithinkitsjustme. Certainly not on this thread.

I don't want to call her, like I said, I hate confrontation.

And no, I wouldn't be happy at all with a row.

Also Ithinkitsjustme, why should I walk away from a group of friends when I've done nothing wrong?

I had/have a very similar situation, Lightly so I really sympathise. In my case a new 'friend' tried extremely hard to steal my boyfriend when we were 20ish (I know that sounds childish but that's what she did). My boyfriend and I lived together at the time with her boyfriend and she used to stay a lot. Eventually she and her boyfriend broke up and it all stepped up a gear (She used to get in his bed when I wasn't there etc) When I took a dislike to this fact my very close friends used to say to me 'oh, it would be so much easier if you could just get along' as if I was being unreasonable!

Yes. You are engaging, you're talking to your friends about it and you're talking about it here.

If you were looking for every post to say oh you poor thing, how awful, why the hell would you put it in aibu?

OldBagWantsNewBag, they all told me almost in a tone of 'disbelief' that she had said some of the things she did, and they all thought she was very out of order. I'm not sure if they defended me. I would like to think that they did.

It's just now when they are arranging things they say things like "Now, she will be there, do you still want to come even though you both had that row"

Erm, MrSunshine, again you've not read my posts, my friends talked to ME about it. And I am perfectly entitled to post what I like on here, a public forum, and it is absolutely not engaging with them about it!

I won't be replying to your posts again. You sound very rude, and you are going round in circles reading things into my posts and my behaviour that are simply not true.

Blueemerald, that's awful. I would take great exception too at being told to just get along with someone like that!

Without knowing what this woman said its really hard to take a position on this. But I have been in all three parts of this situation before. The trouble is if you are on the middle you can never be 100 per cent sure what happened because you weren't there.

I agree it's upsetting when friends don't back you up but the problem for them is you are essentially asking them to side with you against her. (That may not be your intention but that's what it amounts to in practice). Unless what she has done is really really egregious they are probably taking the view that they don't want to write her off completely because of something that didn't directly concern them. It's totally understandable that this hurts you - it would hurt me. But in reality if you are asking them to side with you you are effectively asking to have veto over their friendships. If they want to maintain even the possibility of remaining friends with this woman the only way to do this is for them to stay well out.

It is painful - particularly as it sounds like this woman is a cow. But the reality is you can't expect other people to take sides.

And you sat silently while they talked AT you?

I've read your posts and am giving you an opinion. Which you don't like. Ignore away, but you're rather missing the point here.

what on earth?!?!?

i never understand how these situations come about?

1. what kind of person slags off their friends?
2. what kind of peron slags off a friend to mutual friends?
3. what kind of friend tells friend, that mutual friend has been slagging her off?
4. what kind of peron then just stops talking to friend, without seeking to hear slagger-offerers side of the story??
5. And in all of this your concern is your friends are 'calling it an arguement'????

flippin' mental

I'm not asking them to side against me, quesadilla. I haven't said that

However I do expect them to see the situation as it is, and that I didn't have a row with this woman in any way, shape or form.

"why should I walk away from a group of friends when I've done nothing wrong?"

Because you seem to think they've done something very wrong. The calling it a row thing is a red herring, I think- You're annoyed with them for not sticking up for you, and for continuing to be her friend when they know she made up vicious lies. This is understandably upsetting for you, and I think you should distance yourself from the lot of 'em.

I haven't stopped talking to her, MrDobalina. I've kept a bit of a distance. I haven't said that I've stopped talking to her.

Like I said, I hate confrontation. I'm not very good at it. Why would I want to ring someone for her to be nasty to me on the phone, or worse for her to tell lies about the conversation to our mutual friends, and give her more ammunition against me?

Mutual friends usually prefer to stay on the sidelines in these situations. Taking sides never ends well. Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation. Only you and the person who you fell out with slagged you off know the full situation. It's probably best to keep it this way and beyond saying "actually, we didn't have an argument", further comment is probably unnecessary and unhelpful.

All sounds a bit like it belongs in the playground tbh.

You have heard through the grapevine that she is slagging you off for no apparent reason, yet you don't ask her about it and act distant when you see her rather than resolve it. Fair enough thats your choice.

Then you complain your friends are still talking to her, what are they supposed to do? Say 'well you have been mean about lightly so we aren't speaking to you anymore'?

Then you complain about the wording they use, I would say that you had a row rather than about 5 sentences about what happened just because its easier really.

Judging by your replies to Mrsunshine who obviously gave a different point of view than you wanted to hear you seem to be a pretty angry person. Are you sure you haven't had a row and you just thought it was a discussion?

Yes but then she's won hasn't she CachuHwch? They'll all be her friends, despite her behaviour and I'll be pushed out despite doing nothing wrong.

Yes I plan to keep a distance from them but I don't want to not have anything with them again

how do you know she will be nasty to you on the phone?
how do you know she will tell lies about you to other 'friends'?

did you not like her in the first place really? to just dismiss her like this?

we really need to hear what she said, to have any kind of meaningful discussion .....