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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my dd's birthday present away

84 replies

thatisall · 23/09/2012 17:21

Ok this is a bit of an angry post as it has JUST happened!
My dd reaches double figures next week. We've had a number of family upheavals this year and her dad, my ex is away with the military so dh and i decided to time our family holiday to coincide with her bday, hopefully making his absence less painful. (we'll see how that goes)

Anyway to make up for the fact that were away, his dsis has had her for the weekend and took her bday shopping. Dh and I get on very well with ex's dsis, but have now hit a snag.

Dd has been pestering for a mobile for some time. We say no. She is (in our opinion) too young and doesn't need one. In our opinion its just one more thing to be lost, stolen, broken, confiscated and although people preach about the safety bonuses, our dd is exactly roaming the streets without us.

She will have one when she starts high school, she knows this and we've tried to make her see it as a 'coming of age' gift. I've no problem with other people giving their children a phone...each to their own, but that is our decision.

Anyway....they've bought her a phone. Text us to check it was ok, although theyve already given it to her. They say that dd said it would be ok.

I've said no, that she cant have it. Im furious.
1/ because if what they say is true, dd has lied to get something she knows shes not allowed
2/ because in my opinion people should ask before they buy certain gifts for children and a mobile os one of those gifts no?
3/ because now Im the bad guy...as per

They text back saying, she's just playing, but we'll take it off her before we bring her home,

So now Im not furious, Im heart broken. My daughters birthday and Im going to have to tell her off and Ive had her birthday gift (which I know she will have been thrilled with ) taken away.

AIBU to be pissed off that we are in this position or
AIBU to say she cant have it

OP posts:

thebody · 23/09/2012 19:18

In your opening post you said you were 'broken hearted' about this.

I think you need a reality check. You would be broken hearted at your dds serious injury or death.

This is the adults fault in this, your dsis yours and your dh,, not an 11 year old who wanted what most 11 year olds allready have.

Get a grip.

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 19:30

How on earth are op and her exh at fault?

I agree her dd was probably trying her luck and I'd make it clear it's not going to work but I wouldn't be too cross with her, but it's the sil who did it, no one normally would buy a child a phone without checking with the parents surely?

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 19:32

I think tea has a good suggestion btw.

thebody · 23/09/2012 19:34

Because they are making it such a big deal.

If she's 11 presumably she meets up with her friends without mum and dad, maybe goes to the cinema or swimming. If so she needs a phone for safety.

It's not the fault if an 11 year old, she has been given a gift.

To be heartbroken over this is ridiculous and dramatic.

It's a phone ffs not hard drugs and sex.

SminkoPinko · 23/09/2012 19:34

So basically her auntie bought it for her for her birthday and dd was caught between delight and the knowledge that you'd say no? That is very tough for a 10 year old and I wouldn't be too cross with her for saying nothing. In fact, I would let her keep it, I think, 1) because it's her birthday and 2) because it will smooth things over with the extended family and 3) because 10 is not that far off end of primary school anyway. I say this as someone who didn't allow my older children phones till secondary school but in retrospect don't think that's made much difference to them. If you really, really think it's a no-no though, could she keep it at her auntie's and use it there?

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 19:38

I'm sorry but she does not need a phone for safety!

I know it's an often given reason but it's not true, in fact a flashy phone is more likely to make a young person a target for crime.

Anyway, the issue here is not whether or not having a phone is unreasonable.

It's that there were clear boundaries for the child which she and her aunt overstepped.

PorridgeBrain · 23/09/2012 19:42

Totally agree,Rhonda. You don't buy a child something like a mobile which requires an ongoing financial commitment by someone, as well having other implications without checking with the parents first. As for dd - either she has lied or if not, she knew she absolutely was not allowed one yet.

Op - I see why you are 'making a big deal out of this'. You have made your position clear and to allow her to have it will send a message that if she can get someone else to go over your head, she'll get away with it and get what she wants.

She will be upset yes, but she knew the rules and will have to hope that her aunt can change it.

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 19:43

thebody she's 9...about to turn 10.

She KNEW that she would be bought one in the summer hols before high school, almost 2 years away

OP posts:

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 19:45

thebody Oh and 'broken hearted' yes I was to think of how upset dd would be. Furious with aunt and broken hearted at having to break my dd's heart to maintain her respect and stick to a decision that her THREE parents, myself her df and my dh made together.

OP posts:

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 19:49

JUST AN UPDATE

dd is home now and was more upset to think that she was in trouble or that there would be a problem with aunt. There will not be a problem which we have reassured her about.
She did not lie, but did not tell them she wasnt allowed, but we explained that we could understand how difficult a position that would have been.

We explained again why she wasnt allowed and that when she was allowed it would be a cool (isn) as the issue wasn't cost, but safety and responsibility.

She is currently chatting to her friend on dh's phone which is the norm and seems perfectly happy discussing her birthday and holiday and had lots of other cool presents from her cool auntie.

I cried because she cried because she thought we'd be disappointed. She could never disappoint us if she tried.

All is well.

OP posts:

Socknickingpixie · 23/09/2012 19:49

body dont talk utter crap most 10yo's dont have mobiles at all

monsterchild · 23/09/2012 19:57

I do think YABU about the disappointment your DD is going to feel. Kids know rules and they aren't really super sad at that age if the rules are enforced. She knows full well she can't have a phone, so I doubt she will be as upset as you are.

But you know her best. However, I think you can chalk this up to "what happens when rules are broken." And she'll maybe remember how important it is to follow rules, even when she is in an awkward position, she'll know saying no is going to have a better result.

monsterchild · 23/09/2012 19:58

xpost! I'm glad she has taken it so well, OP! good job, and what a lovely Dd you have!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 23/09/2012 20:04

Glad it's all ok :)

omfgkillmenow · 23/09/2012 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Narked · 23/09/2012 20:12

Would you like to borrow my grip killme?

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/09/2012 20:12

omfg. how exactly is she horrible?

its a parents job to decide stuff like this. are you a grown up?

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 20:14

Really?

Everything's sorted and you come along with that?

Op, there is nothing wrong at all with doing as you have and lovingly reinforcing a boundary. Your boundary is perfectly reasonable and I have seen many people on here say they do similar about phones with their children at secondary, so not even unusual.

Omfg, I'm more disgusted by you. You may not agree with the ops actions, which is fair as this is AIBU, but surely you could save your disgust for the man on another thread live at the moment who has been inapprriately contacting an 11 year old child on her phone, or one of the other similar predatory adults, rather than a mother trying to take good care of her child.

AnnieLobeseder · 23/09/2012 20:22

omfgkillmenow - it's a parent's job to set rules and boundaries. How is a parent disgusting for sticking to their rules? Disgusting? For not letting a 9yo have a mobile phone she's repeatedly been told she'd have to wait for? Really? You must have a very low threshold of disgust.

PorridgeBrain · 23/09/2012 20:29

Unbelievable killme! - I have no more words to your post than that!

OP - so glad for you that she is home and all is sorted. Your dd and her maturity over this is a credit to you and proof that you are 'getting it right'.

Wishing her a lovely birthday and you all a great holiday!

thebody · 23/09/2012 20:46

Glad all worked out well that's fantastic.

However I think you need to tone down the heart breaking dramatics or you won't survive the teen years chik.

Sock,,, where I live all the 11 year olds have mobiles but hey perhaps we plebs!!

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 20:57

killme I genuinely couldn't give a rats ass what you think of me.

i posted on here to get some feedback, which I did, so thank you mumsnet: even those who disagree with me,
Her aunt and I won't fall out about it and it's probably taught dd a valuable lesson.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/09/2012 21:03

body im sure you arnt plebs. for some reason i think theres a big difference between a 9yo & a 11yo probally as 11 is the start of big school

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 21:04

killme I've just realised that you do sound like a child :-s so I'll respond properly.
I don't want my child to have a phone yet, not because of what she will do with it, but because of how others could use it to do things to her. I think it puts her at tusk of theft Nd getting Ito trouble if she breaks it.
Also children get, do and see things eaglet and earlier these days and I feel there should be some things saved so that coming of age moments re special.

OP posts:

Almandine · 23/09/2012 21:06

lol @ someone being disgusting for not letting their 9yo have a mb phone.

There are lots reasons a DC of this age does not need a phone. There is no way I would let my 9/10 yo have one.

I must be disgusting too.

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