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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my dd's birthday present away

84 replies

thatisall · 23/09/2012 17:21

Ok this is a bit of an angry post as it has JUST happened!
My dd reaches double figures next week. We've had a number of family upheavals this year and her dad, my ex is away with the military so dh and i decided to time our family holiday to coincide with her bday, hopefully making his absence less painful. (we'll see how that goes)

Anyway to make up for the fact that were away, his dsis has had her for the weekend and took her bday shopping. Dh and I get on very well with ex's dsis, but have now hit a snag.

Dd has been pestering for a mobile for some time. We say no. She is (in our opinion) too young and doesn't need one. In our opinion its just one more thing to be lost, stolen, broken, confiscated and although people preach about the safety bonuses, our dd is exactly roaming the streets without us.

She will have one when she starts high school, she knows this and we've tried to make her see it as a 'coming of age' gift. I've no problem with other people giving their children a phone...each to their own, but that is our decision.

Anyway....they've bought her a phone. Text us to check it was ok, although theyve already given it to her. They say that dd said it would be ok.

I've said no, that she cant have it. Im furious.
1/ because if what they say is true, dd has lied to get something she knows shes not allowed
2/ because in my opinion people should ask before they buy certain gifts for children and a mobile os one of those gifts no?
3/ because now Im the bad guy...as per

They text back saying, she's just playing, but we'll take it off her before we bring her home,

So now Im not furious, Im heart broken. My daughters birthday and Im going to have to tell her off and Ive had her birthday gift (which I know she will have been thrilled with ) taken away.

AIBU to be pissed off that we are in this position or
AIBU to say she cant have it

OP posts:

lovebunny · 23/09/2012 18:01

explain to her that aunt went against mum's rules to give her the phone. let her start to research phones within the budget you want to spend, ready for when she goes to high school. buy her a 'replacement' present as you've taken one away.

you had a plan, you had sound reasons, no-one had the right to intervene. go back to your plan.

AlmostAGoldHipster · 23/09/2012 18:02

Oh, I've just seen your post and her dad agrees with you. Tricky one, then. Yes, it was out of order of the aunt but I think I'd still let her have the phone with strict restrictions.

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 18:02

YANBU, seriously, you and your ex set the boundaries for her and if you regard it as inappropriate then she does not have one.

End of.

I can't believe people are saying its fine - has anyone read the other thread about a child with a mobile today?

AlmostAGoldHipster · 23/09/2012 18:05

And it was lovely of you to buy her a tablet so she can communicate with her dad.

Socknickingpixie · 23/09/2012 18:07

a few years ago my exh brought my 10yo a internet access/camera mobile phone well strictly speaking he didnt buy it he let aforementioned child buy it with his own money despite me saying he couldnt have it my reasons for him not having it were..

no 10yo needs a mobile, camera phones are strictly prohibited at the special school he goes to for pupil safety,didnt want him having unsupervised net access,he has been known to just randomly give away high value items,as well as several other reasons.

i let him keep it as i didnt feel i could take away a gift from his dad. 2 weeks later i picked up phone and asked to look at it to find it full of babestation photo messages and photos he had taken of him in his underware that he very innocently told me he was going to sell on the net. i confiscated the phone and his dad made me hand it to him,i thought nothing of it untill a few months later when it was left in dc's pocket (i didnt know he still had access to it) school confiscated it and on my instruction checked it to find a public fb profile full of photos of school friends with names tagged (the school in question has a huge ammount of kids with sn's who have been placed miles away from home due to serious abuse) it was a disaster.3 years on he still has no phone because due to his sn he cant cope with one with in the keep safe rules.

i wish i hadnt let him keep it

MushroomSoup · 23/09/2012 18:10

There is no way on earth I'd let her keep it; whether she lied or not is immaterial. You don't want her to have one so she doesn't get to keep it.

pigletpower · 23/09/2012 18:11

I cannot believe that some people let their Yr5 kid go 'free range'! What the hell!

Purple2012 · 23/09/2012 18:12

I wouldnt let her have it. Even if she didn't actively lie she didn't say she wasn't allowed one.

If you just tell her off for lying and let her keep it then she won't learn there are consequences to lying.

I bought my nephew a mobile phone but only when my brother said I could. He mentioned he wanted one but they hadn't decided if they would let him, so I said if they decide he could to let me know and I would get it for him.

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 18:12

Socknickingpixie that is truly SHOCKING! Im so sad that that happened to your ds.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 23/09/2012 18:16

Any anger you may feel towards your dd for allegedly 'lying' is entirely misplaced and should be directed towards the true culprit who is your exsis-in-law if she was aware of your intention to buy dd a mobile as a 'coming of age' gift when when she became 11.

You've mentioned 'famly upheavals' which may have unsettled your dd and that you have timed a family holiday around her birthday to help her cope with her df having been sent away on military service.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest you tell dd that on reflection you have decided that she should have a mobile a year earlier than you planned in order that she can send, say, one or two texts a week to her df (or whatever amount you consider appropriate) and so that she becomes familiar with the costs of mobile calls/texts - if it's PAYG make it clear that you expect her to buy credit from her pocket money

You can set restrictions on its use - i.e not to be taken out of the house without prior permission, etc, but she'll be able to learn how to operate it and play whatever games come as standard with the model.

To my mind this is more sensible than giving dd her first mobile on commencement of secondary school as the chances are she'll overuse it due to novelty value or lose it.

I suggest you get as much practice in as possible with regard to the art of compromising without losing face maintaining firm but, on occasion, flexible rules as it won't be too long before your dd is a teenager and intractability may not serve you well during what may be some challenging years ahead.

BlueSkySinking · 23/09/2012 18:17

Don't let her have it. She knew she wasn't allowed.

Original poster

thatisall · 23/09/2012 18:32

Just had another text saying that dd didnt say she wasnt allowed but didnt say she was and that she was put on the spot.

Apparently theyve taken the phone away and now she's devestated.

And the prize for cruel mum of the year goes to....

OP posts:

EasterEggHuntIsOver · 23/09/2012 18:45

I'd say no way I'd let her keep it. Rules are rules.

Startailoforangeandgold · 23/09/2012 18:52

I'd be furious with DSIS, but let her keep it.
DD had hers for her 11 birthday and didn't use it much.

Not all her friends had them and she saw them every day.

At 10 this will be even more the case the novelty will soon wear off.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 23/09/2012 18:54

Not you. She will be cross for a week max.

I can't believe how many people would let the aunt override a reasonable parenting decision made by both parents. Ridiculous.

leftangle · 23/09/2012 18:55

Horrible situation for you to be put into.

I would ring them up. Talk to your sil, talk to your daughter. And find out if it can be taken back and swapped for a more appropiate present.

akaemmafrost · 23/09/2012 18:56

I think you're totally overreacting. It's her birthday! I bet it's made her so happy. It's only one year since you were going to let her have one anyway.

akaemmafrost · 23/09/2012 18:58

My ds has a mobile so he can speak to his dad whenever he wants. Half the time it sits in the drawer and rarely has credit on it anyway. He is 9. I honestly don't get the stress about mobiles as long as you are willing to be totally vigilant about their usage as I am.

A1980 · 23/09/2012 19:01

I trust the phone is PAYG?

If so let her keep it but refuse to buy credit for it. She's only 10 and I trust she doesn't have money to keep it topped up.

That way she will realise that she won't get what she wants by lying (if that is what happened).

lovelyladuree · 23/09/2012 19:04

Calm down. Let her keep it. Have words with the aunt. If DD is anything like my DS, the phone will be dropped down the toilet/lost/broken/filled with seawater as has happened to his last 4. He has happily given up owning one now.

Almandine · 23/09/2012 19:07

Of course she will seem upset at the moment, but I think kids can be quite fickle, so a replacement gift will probably stop the sadness....of course she will spend a year reminding you how mean you are.........

Socknickingpixie · 23/09/2012 19:09

thatisall is was genuinly a innocent thing from his perspective a bigger boy showed him the babe station stuff and he totally didnt understand the conatations of thinking oh they make money from photos in there pants so why not try myself.

often older kids will try to lead younger kids astrey and its for that reason why i would be rather pofaced about primary school aged children with mobiles

TeaMakesItToTheTop · 23/09/2012 19:12

Can her Aunt keep it for a while and then give it to her when she leaves primary school in 10 months? Then your rules have been kept, she gets the phone from her Aunt and you don't look like a mean parent. She's then got the holidays to practice with it and you can teach her phone safety before she goes to secondary.

StuntGirl · 23/09/2012 19:12

I would not let her have it.

It sounds simply like the aunt crossed a boundary she wasn't aware existed, as is evident on this thread people have different perspectives on children having mobiles.

Your daughter seems to have lied by omission to get the phone, she was probably excited and thought you wouldn't take away a present.

However in this instance, given your in depth discussions with her over this, I would still take it away. Perhaps keep hold of it until she is allowed one. I think if your views on this are so strong its not something to compromise on.

You are NOT a bad or cruel mum! She will have a wonderful birthday anyway, please do not feel bad about this.

ll31 · 23/09/2012 19:18

Think yabu-and don't really get why your making phoNe such a big deal. Think she-ll remember you taking it off her for a long time ..feel bit sorry for her tbh

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