Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

[GoldenBabooshka]

It just proves the point that Agent, like the rest of us can only do so much when it comes to protecting our kids.

Other than banning them from the internet which is impossible for most of us.

I hope your friend and her DD are alright now Worra. :(

[rhondajean]

Zigzag a big hug for you.

This is sadly so common - but you have found it quickly. It's natural to want to trust your child. It's heartbreaking when you realise you can't.

But remember she is only a little girl too. She's messed up - but she's still a child.

[AgentZigzag]

Even when your friend was inside her daughters virtual world with her worra, she still couldn't stop someone slipping through.

That is scary.

She couldn't have done any more, apart from stopping her from going on the net, which just isn't feasible however much you want it to be.

[WorraLiberty]

So to know that I watch and have still missed a possible flag is a bit worrying

You took your eye off the ball because there are other things going on in your everyday life and you trust your DD.

You won't be the first or the last person whose trust was taken advantage of by their child.

I bet you took advantage of your parent's trust at times? I know I certainly did.

Golden they're fine now thank you...it made the pair of them much wiser.

[pigletmania]

Really agent you need to assume the worse that he s an adult man grooming and contact the police, tomstopmhim ding the same to other kids. You need to change your computer password and get your dd a Payg hone without Internet access

[WorraLiberty]

She couldn't have done any more, apart from stopping her from going on the net, which just isn't feasible however much you want it to be

Absolutely it's not feasible which is why you and your DH should not be blaming yourself.

I think it's helpful to view internet chat forums/facebook etc as the local park/teenage hangout.

Our parents would never have been privy to the conversations we had with boys or friends in private/at the park...if they were we would have died of shame.

But now we have electronic media, it's worse than coming across a private written diary for example, because you've come across an actual two way conversation and photos etc...

I'm not saying you should't worry about it or have the Police investigate it, but what I am saying is, please try to think back to how you were at that age...or at the age of 13 or so - given the fact kids grow up faster nowadays.

Sadly I suspect this is 'normal' to so many kids her age..both male and female.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

My parents were so worried about the "normal" hanging out places they basically kept me prisoner all of my teenage years.

The one thing I had was my phone and the internet. I made a lasting friendship with someone that way. A genuine boy my age.

But I was groomed aswell. I ended the worst way it could have. My parents never knew and still dont. They didnt trust me so much that I became secretive as a result.

So this slipped past your radar. But you caught it now before it got worse and you are figuring out what to do. Your daughter is so lucky to have you and your DH as parents.

[AgentZigzag]

DH has found much worse on her internet history, I think she's visited these sites, things like gay porn, hot sex and crazy sex positions on comopolitan, best masturbation tips.

I can't believe the stuff that's turning up as we look.

Looking at the first sites she visited when she got the phone, this dating site is one of them. That says she knew about it before she got the phone doesn't it?

As I was waiting for the site to open up at first, I was thinking how I was going to tell DH how she'd been spammed by this email from the dating site, just in case he saw it on my history and thought it was me using it!

[LadySybildeChocolate]

You need to talk to her and try to find out how long she's been chatting to this person. Her internet history should give you dates of when she was looking at the sites, was it before she had the phone? It's possible that this person guided her to the sites, it's hard to say though.

[TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed]

It's crazy, really.

We can't keep our children safe from all this shit. Because if we trust them, they can abuse that trust [bitter] and if we don't trust them and watch them all the time they feel resentful and just get good at hiding stuff.

I don't know what the answer is.

And if dd (the most trustworthy and sensible teenager on the planet) can get caught up in this type of thing, then I dunno. I give up.

Actually, I don't give up, but I do feel pretty hopeless about it all .

[Triffiddealer]

OP - when my DS was 10 I caught him looking for porn on the internet. Although I'm quite savvy, I just hadn't clicked that he'd be doing that because he's a bit geeky and not at all interested in girls. I just hadn't understood how different the world is now.

Since then, I've password protected all the PCs and got massive parental protection options in place on all our computers. I bought my DS an Ipod touch recently and disabled the internet. He's complained and I feel bad about it, but ultimately that's tough. A 13-year-old (now) doesn't need 24/7 access to the internet, however much they think they might do.

If I were you, I would ring the police for advice, but ultimately, please don't beat yourself up about this happening. You stopped anything serious from occurring. She's 11 and won't be making those mistakes at 13/14, which could lead to far more damaging consequences. Be glad you were on the ball and responsible enough to pick it up when you did.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

That all sounds like curiosity. This person has been talking about it to her and she has tried to figure it out to not come across so young.

I think you need to get advice from someone wrt speaking to her about all this. She needs to know its serious but at the same time not be so embarrassed/put off that she stops coming to you about things and starts actively concealing things.

[thornrose]

You said earlier she didn't know what masturbation was and had asked you. If she's looked at best masturbation tips it seems likely she does know? This is all a bit worrying for an 11 year old!

[GoldenBabooshka]

Could she be showing off to her friends?

[GoldenBabooshka]

As in "Look at this, eww"

Maybe it went too far?

[deleted203]

Call the police immediately. You need to protect your 11 yo child from whoever is sending her texts about masturbation and other such disturbing material. I don't care if it is a 13 yo boy - you are not responsible for him. If it is another teen then they need the fear of God put in them by the police - he clearly knows she is 11. If it's an older man they need locking up. Good luck.

[MrsHerculePoirot]

Agent - I can't do it now as on iPhone and in bed, but I will post some useful links with you tomorrow so marking my place. I am a secondary school teacher and e-safety person in my school so hopefully can point you in direction of resources to help you feel confident about dealing with this and moving forward into the future, because as you know 'banning' her from the Internet is going to be impossible in real life do she needs to know how to use it appropriately instead.

For now if you think it needs reporting to police then do so via CEOP. You could also report to the website itself if you think there has been a breach of their terms and conditions or rules.

[AgentZigzag]

It's a case of when 2 YO DD goes quiet in another room, I know she's up to something.

But I thought DD1s quiet was just me feeling weird about not seeing her as much, walking to school etc.

I'm not sure about her friends knowing at school, something to ask her about I think.

The persons photo is on her phone too, so if the police want it they've got it there. Doesn't look like she's sent any pictures of herself to him, thank fuck. Only a photo of a picture of when she was about 5/6 (through the email add), so he might have a vague idea of what she looks like.

[thornrose]

I'm just remembering something my 13 yo dd told me, that her 12 yo friend knew about blowjobs because she had googled the Tulisa "sex tape" which was all over the media. I imagine that would open up links to all sorts.
I'm also aware that I was curious about sex at about this age so maybe this new internet history is not too worrying. It's in conjunction with the direct contact/texting that it seems more sinister.

[AgentZigzag]

Thanks to the people pointing us towards CEOP, I would have had no idea about them else.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

Ok

Yes you must call the police
You may be able to call the number tomorrow some time, (saying you must have got the wrong number before hanging up) and get an idea of how old this person is but some boys can have deep voices ect so this may not work well/and/or you may well lose your temper and alert him to something being wrong.

The internet searches, well, it sounds like your DD has heard a few words that she hadn't before so has gone off googling them so she doesn't feel left behind her peers (i say this assuming she knows or thinks this lad is a little older than her and things he knows about and discusses are therefore important things to know, in her mind)

Tomorrow either visit the local police or dial them on 101 you and DD will be treated kindly don't worry and you won't be judged. You may just have saved someone even if not just DD, from this person if he is not who he is claiming to be.

I don't want to worry you, but this will possibly open up a new awareness of things in your Dd's mind and you may have to speak to her about stuff other than what she wants for christmas ect, not being candid, but it will be painful and you'll feel angry that her innocence was tainted in such a way.
I am sorry you're going through this :(


Big unmumsnetty (((hugs)))

[nannyof3]

U need to sit down with ur daughter, dont be angry and try to hide any feelings .

Talk to her about being safe, unwanted touching and talking, print of some 'child friendly' useful info on things like safe sex and mastubation, relationships and the dangers of dating sites and stranger awareness. Leave them in her room so she can read them in her room in private but just make sure she knows ur there for her.

Shes not really doing anything wrong and prob finds the whole thing abit fun, its part of growing up.. Yes, shes only 11 but kids grow up way to fast these days.

I would also print off a helpline sheet of useful numbers like childline and anti bullying websites, i know this seems strange but some children prefer to talk to people they dont know..

Its hard to even think about because ur daughter is a baby but u need to try and find out if she is experimenting and if she is u need to take her to family planning.. Leave info out about sti's and some condoms out for her..

Before someone says it 'no' ur not encouraging her, u are just forward thinking and being supportive and u dont want her pregnant or left with a sti... Yep, worse case scenerio, but u just never know...

Please please please just be supportive of ur daughter

[thornrose]

nanny - You really believe an 11 yo is "experimenting", and needs condoms?

[nannyof3]

Yes i do.... Why not ?????

11 year old do have sex ! Fact

[AgentZigzag]

We've talked about stuff as it's come up, she's into Jacqueline Wilson/twilight so isn't completely sheltered.

I've done all the things in your first paragraph nanny, been 'relaxed' in an attempt to not put her off when she's come to me about things like suicide, the disablist and racist things she was hearing at school, what's going on with her body etc.

Maybe these things just aren't something you want your mum to know you're wondering about.

I'm definitely seeing the talk I've got to have tomorrow morning as a fact finding mission rather than the mother of all bollockings. She was as white as a sheet when I asked her about the site.

I appreciate the posters who've stuck up for DD and reminded me she's (partly) innocent in this.