Just found out my 11 YO is texting with a person she met on a dating website

[AgentZigzag]

I want to start out by saying I take full responsibility for not checking her phone and seeing this earlier, I thought we had a sensible and responsible daughter and I've allowed myself to be misled by that thought.

She left her hotmail account open on my computer about a two hours ago, and I had a nose through her in and out box and found a change of password email from this teenage dating website. (it's always been made very clear to her that I could and would look through her electronic communications and history, although this was said a while ago)

I went to the site and found she had a fucking profile on there! And messages to and from other 'people'.

But there's one specific profile who she's contacted more, he's given her his phone number, and I presume she's given him hers, because we've just looked on her phone and they've been fucking texting each other!

In her email account she's sent him photos, of some drawings etc, but things that are obviously from a child.

He's sent her a photo of himself (which she thought she'd deleted, but I managed to get it back).

On the texts, and there are a fuck of a lot of them -

-She's told him she's 13

-Lots of talking about wanking and masturbating (even after she's told him she's 13) - which she asked me about yesterday because she didn't know what it meant, and you can see from the texts she's got no idea WTF he's talking about.

-She's tried ringing him tonight she's text up to 10 to 1 at night, and from 7 in the morning.

-She's been texting him all day today - when we've been there with her!

-He's actually messaging her NOW!

I'm holding DH back from texting him to say something, because I need some advice. DH is talking about the police (if there are any of the MN bobbies I know use MN, is this that serious do you think? Is it exaggerating thinking this is a 'man' grooming what he knows to be an underage child?)

I really do feel ashamed we haven't protected her from this. We're so aware of shit like this, we honestly are, and when they're 9/10/11 YO everything seems so open and you've told them the rules and think they understand.

We got the phone for her on a contract two weeks ago because her old one broke in the summer holidays and we wanted her to be able have an OK one for secondary school (which she's just started doing the 35 minute walk to and from every day).

I'm angry for letting myself trust her and her breaking it, and for not checking her phone sooner. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously she's not got the phone and I'm looking through her email accounts (she's got two, but I can't get into one).

And what should we do about this 'bloke/man/teenager' who's texting her stuff now? Ignore him, block him?

FFS, I'm just reeling, please tell us what you think.

[racetobed]

Agent, why on earth are you blaming yourself for this?

This man is grooming your child. It is a precursor to child sexual exploitation and it is listed as an offence in the 2003 Sexual Offences Act.

You need to report it to CEOP immediately. They are hyper responsive and will take action.

This is in no way your fault, or your daughter's fault. This man is a criminal. CEOP. NOW

[WorraLiberty]

Worra, DH wants to block his number and ring him now to see how old he sounds, but wouldn't that give whoever it is a head start? If we went to the police we'd have to say we've rung him.

You'd have every right to tell the police you've rung him to hear his voice and try to ascertain whether he's an adult or a child.

They would definitely understand this.

But I'd do it tomorrow and not at this time of night when you're both obviously stressed out.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

You really do need to contact the Police and let them look into this further. This 'boy' could be chatting to more than one child. What a shock for you and your DH

[WorraLiberty]

This man is grooming your child. It is a precursor to child sexual exploitation and it is listed as an offence in the 2003 Sexual Offences Act

What man?

For all the OP knows it could be a child the same age or even younger than her DD claimed to be?

[racetobed]

Unfortunately, not many police forces are very good at following up grooming offences, so dialling 999 is not necessarily going to get you the urgency or specialist response you need. Whereas CEOP are TOTALLY on it and will respond.

Please call them. As Lady says, he could be doing it - and much worse - to somebody's else's child.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

Even if it's a younger child, Worra, it still needs investigating. It's not a risk worth taking.

[WorraLiberty]

Can we just calm down here?

No-one should be thinking of dialling 999

Obviously the OP should speak to the police for advice and I do think tomorrow she should withold her number and check if the voice sounds like a boy or a man.

But lets not get silly here and worry the fuck out of the OP by assuming her DD has been in touch with an adult when it could well be a child younger than herself...or at least younger than she pretended to be.

[AgentZigzag]

I'm surprised at how many posters don't think this is my fault, I don't mean this in a 'woe is me' way, but I am ultimately responsible for her as a young child, and I'm very aware of internet security and don't like the net and RL ever coming together.

She knows this, but has obviously got something from her interaction with this person. By the looks of the texts it's about her finding out about stuff I would have found out hanging about at the local meeting place with my mates, but it's not the same set up here.

It's not that I masochistically want a flaming, but I know I'm the one who could have monitored it closer (and the worse bit is I can't really work out how to use her phone, I've tried but keep ending up making it 'do things' but not know what I've done).

[Moominsarescary]

Don't ring, don't text just give the phone to the police and let them deal with it. It could be another child, it could be an adult. Either way I think you have a responsibility to tell the police, if it's an adult the next child he contacts may not be so lucky to have parents who check what they are doing.

[LadySybildeChocolate]

No one's said to call 999. There is a non emergency number. I don't think Agent or her DH should call, if this person thinks someone's on to him he's likely to run a mile. Given the content of the text messages, it's unlikely to be a younger child.

[FreudiansGoldSlipper]

Oh yes Worra the voice of reason and let's not jump to conclusions it could all be so innocent

The fact is many men are grooming children this is how they do it, even if he is 13 or 14 he should not be sending her such texts it has to be reported and dealt with

[LadySybildeChocolate]

It's not your fault, Agent. It's so easy to get complacent because we trust our children. Any one of us could be in the situation that you've found yourself in now.

[LizzieVerekerGold]

Report it to CEOP, that's what they're there for. They will know the best course of action depending on this boy/man's age. There are also some really good short films on the CEOP website which you can watch with your daughter, they're clear enough to make her understand what this sort of contact can lead to, but without traumatising her.

Of course it's not your fault, it's very upsetting for you all though.

[GoldenBabooshka]

Agent the same thing happened to me when I was 12.

I agree with Worra that you need to keep calm (hard I know).

That way you will get as much information as possible. If my parents had called the police I would have froze up and protected myself and him as much as possible.

Find out where she originally met him before she joined the dating site.

[Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold]

I agree with Lady Sybil. Its not your fault Agent. Dh bought me a smartphone for my birthday 3 months ago and i still dont know how to use all the features properly.
i also think its unlikely to be a young child. Like others have said you could ask the police for advice and then they will be made aware of it. Please dont blame yourself x

[WorraLiberty]

FreudiansGoldSlipper I agree with both points in your post

Firstly I agree with your (albeit sarcastic) point that we shouldn't jump to conclusions...because that won't help the OP.

Secondly I agree with the fact that many men are grooming children this is how they do it, even if he is 13 or 14 he should not be sending her such texts it has to be reported and dealt with.

I'm quite sure the OP and her DH will get to the bottom of this with the help of the Police.

But I don't agree with the poster who assumed it was a man because it could quite easily not be.

[edam]

Oh Agent, that must be sending shivers down your spine. Thank heavens you caught it now. Agree re. calling the police - and specifically CEOPS. I wouldn't contact him yourself, that could give him time to cover his tracks before the police get in touch.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

But as the man (or boy) said he would ADD her to his contacts on the dating site, that does lead me to believe that it could be somebody she has met at school.

The problem with that is, if the school goes up to Y11, some of the boys will be 16, and having conversations about masturbation and wanking with a 11 year old IS grooming in that case. And subsequent messages made it plain that the man/boy has knowledge that the OP's DD IS only 11.

If the school has a 6th form, then it could be someone who has just or is just about to turn 18.

And there IS still a chance that it IS an over 18 sending these messages.

IMO, I would contact CEOPS.

Though that wasn't the action I took when an obviously full grown adult in his 20's sent a VERY explicit message on fb to my DD when she was 13 (and obviously 13 at that) - (he wasn't on her friends list) - I C&P'd it to his wall and left a comment asking if he was a pervert who enjoyed getting off to little girls, and that if he ever messages my DD again, I would report him to the police. Funnily enough, he never bothered DD again, especially as all his friends got to see his message.

I don't advise this course of action, but I didn't know about CEOPS at the time. And I was fucking fuming.

[SoleSource]

The other person could also be a girl.

[GoldenBabooshka]

And of course it's not your fault, just like it wasn't my parents fault.

They checked everything but I still managed it (MSN messenger).

When they found out and went crazy I rang my best friend and gave her my password so she could delete everything.

[heyannie]

It's not your fault. It is your job to safeguard your child but I was always outsmarting my mother when I was 11. If the internet had been around 15 years ago I would probably have been doing the same as your daughter. They can be naive yet smart. I imagine thousands of teens and pre-teens get involved with this kind of chat, very rarely does it end up in tragedy. Of course it happens and people should be vigilant and careful, and grooming should be punished, but you shouldn't wind yourself up thinking the worst. It could all be innocent, but even if it isn't, you have caught it before anything awful happens to your daughter, and now have the chance to help the police to investigate and protect others.

[WorraLiberty]

Absolutely Sole that happened to my best friend's DD

She was in contact with someone who she thought was a boy for months...explicitly chatting and swapping photos with a so called 'boy', when it turned out to be a 24yr old woman.

[GoldenBabooshka]

Jesus Worra that's horrible.

[WorraLiberty]

It was horrible Golden and more so because my friend had actually chatted on MSN with 'him' and accepted 'his' fake facebook account when 'he' sent her a friend request

[AgentZigzag]

I'm not a raving paedo hunter, but I know more than I feel comfortable with about how these types of people operate.

I would never make it obvious, but I'm watchful of who she has contact with and how that interaction plays out.

So to know that I watch and have still missed a possible flag is a bit worrying.

There's only been positive changes since she's been at the school, which I was relieved about.

I know it could be anyone using that phone, but of all the scenarios on here that people have suggested, not one of them is a plausible and legitimate reason for anyone to be sending stuff like that to an 11 YO.