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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how many people you would count as real friends.

45 replies

SpudtheScarecrow · 21/09/2012 13:30

Just that really. In the last couple of years have had the experience where I've been getting to know someone, got on really well with them etc, etc but then something has happened/I've found out we have really different values or something like that that makes me realise that while we will remain friendly we won't make that leap to real/true old friend.

I've got about 4 friends that I'd put in that category - 3 I've had since school and the other since we were first time mums.

(just realised that it could sound like I'm being horribly judgy and dismissing potential friends if they are not up to scratch!! Shock I don't mean that at all just that sometimes you realise you haven't got as much in common as you perhaps think at first. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SpudtheScarecrow · 21/09/2012 13:33

Ooh and if I can be even more nosey, how long have you had them and how/where did you meet them?

OP posts:
NameChangeGalore · 21/09/2012 13:35

I don't have any best friends. 2 close friends, but we don't meet up often, and stay in touch via phone and FB occasionally.

Everyone else in my life is an acquaintance.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 21/09/2012 13:36

None from school (that's part of my life I want to forget). However one is from work known her about 6 years in all and 3 are mummy friends i actually met on a forum online 4 years ago. they have been better friends than most i've met in "real life" and I trust them loads.

I'm not good at making friends though. Takes me a long time to trust anyone.

boschy · 21/09/2012 13:48

Real real friends that I could talk to about anything and everything? I feel lucky I have 3. 1 of them I see often, the other 2 maybe once a year or so, but the connection is so real and immediate everytime. 1 I have known for almost 40 years, one for about 30 years and the other (the one who is local) for 13 years.

I have 2 other good friends, but their lives are very different from mine, they're both a bit older. But we have a lot of shared history.

Other than that? about 5 ok friends and about 10 acquaintances (not even on coffee terms).

I would love to have more! but geography doesnt help.

blibblibs · 21/09/2012 13:55

Only 2. One from high school so friends for 25 years and the other only 4 years from when we had DC. And she lives at the other side of the world now.

Maybe 4 or so other friend that help with childcare, go to pub/coffee with but that suits me fine. I'm a bit too lazy to have many friends Grin

Softlysoftly · 21/09/2012 13:55

1 true and total and been through everything including fall outs! We can disagree completely and not see each other for months and it's still there. Very very luckily her DH is my DHs 1 true friend too so I feel blessed. We met at uni. The DHs oddly met at work, we were all already together so I worked out my new friends boyfriend was my boyfriends friend iyswim.

I then have my 3 sisters who are always there thick and thin.

Then about 3 excellent friends I would turn to in crisis through work and DDs.

And after that lots of medium-good aquantainces/friends.

God doing that really makes you think Confused there are people I counted as Excellent friends who sadly don't make the grade now shocker!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/09/2012 14:09

7 or 8

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/09/2012 14:12

i forgot 2! 9 or 10 people

sparkle12mar08 · 21/09/2012 14:14

None. There's literally no-one in this world I'd truly bare my soul to. I don't know if I'd even do so with my husband, there's always a tiny part of me locked behind closed doors. I have 3 very, very good friends who I'd trust with anything I choose to share but even then it wouldn't be everything. I have lots of mummy and coffee friends (10+?) and a similar amount of 'hello at the school gate' aquaintances.

gordyslovesheep · 21/09/2012 14:16

I have 4 mates who are 'be there in the drop of a hat' mates - and I am the same with them - we just will always support each other - one I have known for 30+ years the others for less but they have proved to be the best of friends in good and bad times

I have a gang of 'kids need picking up / can I borrow £5 till Friday' mates as well - great people who I like a lot be who I don't have the same closeness with

and many many many mates from the online world and work who I say hello to !

TroublesomeEx · 21/09/2012 14:24

It depends what you'd count as a 'real' friend.

I don't have anyone I'd rely on if the shit hit the fan.

I have a friend who is about 15 years older than me and I met her at the school gates when my son started school 9 years ago. I only see/speak to her a handful of times a year, but she is the only person I have trusted in that time with truly confidential information.

I have a friend who is 12 years younger. I met her through a hobby I do about 3 years ago.

Both of them also have some issues with previous friendships and social confidence and I think our friendships are based on a mutual understanding of each other.

I think the only person I truly trust is my husband. He was my best friend at school and there is nothing he doesn't know about me. Even the stuff I'd probably rather my husband didn't know...

Original poster
SpudtheScarecrow · 21/09/2012 14:30

It is interesting isn't it? I was thinking about it because of my 4 close friends, 3 are geographically far away and the other, although near by and actually my best and closest friend who I see often, is at a very different life stage than me - no kids, professionally very successful. Doesn't affect our relationship but I'd love to have a close friend in my day to day life, I have several of the kind gordy describes but none that I would consider close friends. I thought I might be moving that way with one then recently she's said a couple of things that I felt were a bit judgy of me which makes me think we won't ever be more than coffee/school gates friends.

Obviously if she was an old friend I'd have been able to use the 'did you mean to sound so rude' line without fear of offending her forever!

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 21/09/2012 14:33

spud my 1 true friend holds some vastly differing opinions to me spice of life and all that.

Original poster
SpudtheScarecrow · 21/09/2012 14:38

Softly, that's a really good point and a whole other thread I was thinking of starting -how different can you be and still be friends sort of thing. The most recent example is less that I disagree with friend but that she expressed views in a way that made me feel bad about my choices (or seemed intended to) and I don't quite feel I know her well enough to ask if that's what she meant without turning it into a huge issue. If she was already a close friend I'd be able to say, did you mean that how it sounded? IYSWIM

OP posts:
AnOldieButNotSoGoody · 21/09/2012 14:39

Real friends?

Two. My Dh and a female friend.

Original poster
SpudtheScarecrow · 21/09/2012 14:42

Do you know, I never thought to include DH or my mum Shock even though they both are

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 21/09/2012 14:43

None. How bloody depressing Hmm

Ragwort · 21/09/2012 14:46

Two really good friends that I have had since childhood (we are in our 50s now Grin). Five or six others that I have met over the years that I would feel comfortable talking to about a real problem; I have different friends in different 'areas' of my life - ie: I have met people through hobbies/church/childrens' school that sort of thing. I have moved a few times in the last few years and have actually found it quite reassuring that I have been able to make new friends. Smile

BackforGood · 21/09/2012 14:48

I was going to say 'loads' but I guess it depends on what you mean by real friends. When things go wrong in life, I actually know I can count on a much wider circle of people than I would count as my close friends as we generally tootle through life, tbh, so I don't see that as a measure, people come through fo you when you are struggling IME.
I agree with Softly, that holding a different opinion on some things from my opinion, certainly wouldn't be a reason not to be friends, though.

curiousgeorgie · 21/09/2012 14:57

I have 2 best friends who I speak to or see every day, could ring crying at 3am and they to me and who we do nothing without... Even though they have no children and are both single at the moment they always come on holiday ps and days out with me, DH and DD.. (god how I wish they were attracted to each other!! :))

Other than that maybe 5 good friends?

curiousgeorgie · 21/09/2012 14:58

Can I count family? If so, DH, one of my brothers, BIL and SIL would all be best friends too...

lisaro · 21/09/2012 15:00

6, and my partner. All very different people and mainly from different parts of my life. I've lived in lots of places and had more than one career. But these, although we may not speak in person for a couple of months or occasionally longer, are always there. A mix of sex, beliefs, age and 'class'. But all people I know and trust and love and feel the same about me. There's also a wide circle of 'mates' and so on down in decreasing circles. I'm very blessed with my friendships and I am grateful for them.

BenefitScrounger · 21/09/2012 15:01

One who I've known since primary school; one who is my exP; and one who is my current p's exP!

And I can tell my partner and family anything.

TheCalmingManatee · 21/09/2012 15:02

Real friends, real be there for me no matter what friends? One, my DP.

TerraNotSoFirma · 21/09/2012 15:06

My best friend and I have been friends since we were 8, we are celebrating our silver anniversary next April.
I have 3 good friends from high school, we all live miles apart, meet up when we can. Been friends for around 18 years.
I have 5 good friends who live in my immediate area, whom I met through work and have been friends with them for between 8-10 years.

All others I would say are aquaintances, neighbours, school mums. Friendly but not friends as such.