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AIBU?

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Original poster

sexless marriage is it normal?

49 replies

bleedinghert · 21/09/2012 10:55

we've been married for 5 years, we have a beautiful boy of 3 and we haven't had sex since he was conceived.
my DW has never been very sexual and although we had sex not very ofter at least we did now and again. I never pressure her about it, although I have talked about it with her and she replied she'd rather have a cup of tea and cuddle then sex. Okay, that's fine if that's what she wants, but I feel like she doesn't ever consider my needs. I get aroused when we are in bed and perform on her certain things, but it never leads to intercourse or her doing anything to me.

She wants another baby next year, so I'll be expected to perform when it suits her.
Am I being a selfish to expect a little bit of physical intimacy now and then? I just don't know anymore Sad

OP posts:
cantspel · 21/09/2012 10:58

no one should live in a sexless marriage unless both parties want it that way.

You need to have a frank and open chat with her about the whole issue.

lola88 · 21/09/2012 11:35

Thats terrible poor you.

I think you should just tell her how you feel, unless there are other issues she's being very selfish.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/09/2012 11:38

No, its not normal unless both parties are happy with the situation.

You need to sit down and have a frank discussion and seriously, dont go having another baby with this hanging over you.

If this is the way the future is going to be you need to have a very firm think about whether you can go without sex for years and years and if not, something needs to give.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 21/09/2012 11:42

No it's not normal.
I've been married for over 12 years and I consider a month a long time to go without sex.
This issue needs to be raised with her. I think you need to go for sexual counselling if this is the only area of your marriage that's a problem.
You deserve praise for not pressurising her, but are you expected to have a sexless marriage til death do you part? If you don't resent your dw now, I think at some point you will.
Sex is a huge part of marriage. Not just the sex, but the intimacy, the affection, the loving ness. It's not just sex.
Please be firm with her and insist on taking outside action if you both want this marriage to work.

ErikNorseman · 21/09/2012 11:43

It's not normal and it's not ok. It's also not sexless if she's up for you performing foreplay on her but never reciprocates.

pumpkinsweetie · 21/09/2012 11:46

Thats awful, 3 years is well long enough to recover after birth so thats can't be a reason for her loss of sex drive.
Have you tried talking to her about this?
I really don't think considering another baby right now would be a good idea as sex is an important part of a marriage.
She cannot expect you to have sex with her to create a baby yet not think of your needs whatsoever.
A good talk is what you both need then go from there, goodluck op.

valiumredhead · 21/09/2012 11:48

I don't understand 'perform on her certains things.' Confused

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 11:48

I am not surprised your fed up!! That's really unfair for it to all be one way.
After I had my first I couldn't have sex for 8 months (bad stitching which had to be repaired under general anesthetic) & it put an awful strain on our relationship. My dh was very understanding but its a long time.
you really need to talk about it, as someone else said a month is a long time 3 years is dreadful

aldiwhore · 21/09/2012 11:49

I feel for both of you. She shouldn't feel pressured into sex she doesn't want, you shouldn't be forced to live in a sexless environment if its important to you.

I would suggest Relate, or at the very least a very long open chat.

YANBU.

Birdsgottafly · 21/09/2012 11:52

If she honestly doesn't have a sex drive, but used to then it might be medical.

Either way, it is unreasonable behaviour to not want to right this.

I lived in a sexless marriage because of illness, but we still had affection and talked (my DH died). It is never acceptable to ignore the issue.

marge2 · 21/09/2012 11:56

Difficult one. What aldiwhore said really. I know how your wife feels. I would rather not have sex, and when we do I never enjoy it. In fact I hate it. Could never do it with the light on in case he saw my grimace of distaste.

But then I also feel sorry for you.

squoosh · 21/09/2012 11:58

She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want but likewise she can't expect you to remain in a sexless marriage.

You must be feeling so hurt and rejected. Is is genuninely down to a low sex drive or do you think this may be a passive aggressive act? If she refuses to go to counselling I'm afraid that is the death knell for the relationship.

Original poster
bleedinghert · 21/09/2012 12:06

thanks for the replies,. We have spoken about it several times, but nothing ever happens, things just go back to the same way. I never want her to feel like she is being pressured, as that's not how I roll.
I just really want to be 'loved' back once in a while.

OP posts:
Pendeen · 21/09/2012 12:07

" my DW has never been very sexual "

There is the root of the problem I'm afraid. Possibly she has always just 'put up' with sex.

I do sympathise but genuinely think that nothing will ever change with your relationship.

valiumredhead · 21/09/2012 12:10

I get aroused when we are in bed and perform on her certain things, but it never leads to intercourse or her doing anything to me

This confuses me.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 21/09/2012 12:15

If you have discussed it bleedinghert, on several occasions, and nothing has changed, you don't have many options.

You either accept that this may be how she is.

Or Insist on seeking outside help to improve your relationship and marriage.

It does sound very selfish of her if you have discussed it previously and nothing's changed. Maybe there's some underlying issues? But, it may be how she is too. Things may never change.

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 12:19

Is she depressed? I had to go on prozac after having my first baby, my delivery was traumatic and I had physical and mental scaring after. Maybe you need to have some outside help as others have suggested

MaBaya · 21/09/2012 12:22

Its not healthy and needs to be addressed some way, some how. It sounds like couples counselling would be a good idea.

hugoagogo · 21/09/2012 12:24

Does she show you affection in other ways? Kissing and cuddling and such like, does she tell you she loves you?

Is your ds very hard work for any reason?

(Sorry for all the questions, but it's hard to answer your question without a bit more info.)

Numberlock · 21/09/2012 12:35

my DW has never been very sexual

There's your answer I'm afraid.

If you were starting from a point where your sex life had previously been very active and enjoyable for both of you, then by all means counselling or talking about the situation could improve things.

But if she has never enjoyed sex, she won't change now and you can't expect her to.

I couldn't live like this and don't think you should have to either. Sex is so important in a loving relationship. It's only a matter of time before you start to seek it elsewhere. (I was going to say understandably but I'm 50/50 on that.)

Knowing that she wasn't sexual when you got married, did you hope the situation would change over time?

soorploom · 21/09/2012 12:47

i understand that a nice cup of tea can seem more appealing if you're dw has had a tough day doing chores, cooking, running ragged after 3yo, maybe working too?
do you perform in a household sense of the word? there's nothing nicer than "doing the dishes together" and having a bit of proper adult time once the kids are in bed.
pre shenanigans doesn't have to wait till you are in bed

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 13:05

I'm afraid it's impossible to say. We konw nothing about this relationship apart from the fact that 'poor you' doesn't get any sex. You admit she's never been very sexual so there's no reason why that would change. Do you have quality time together? Does she show you affection in other areas?

And wtf do you mean you 'perform on her certain things'??

I'm afraid I don't like the question: we don't have sex, is it normal? I think you know people will come on here and say 'oh you poor thing, no it's not normal, she's bu blah blah' when we know nothing about the rest of your lives. What, exactly will you do with the information you get here? Will you use it to 'prove' to her that she's not normal??

Maybe I'm taking this a bit too personally because I've been in the position, and indeed am still coming out of it, where I just didn't want sex or any kind of sexual contact with my dh. I don't know why it was, all I know what that I felt quite asexual for a while. I love my husband and we talked about it. I know he found it frustrating at times but the stress and upset it caused me was incredible too. I had no reason for it, I can't explain it, but I would have hated to think of my dh talking to people about it and getting sympathy from other women ffs. We've worked through it together and now we have a good sex life. It may be more infrequent than he would ideally like but we're on the right track. Speak to her instead of strangers. If nothing changes and you can't live without sex you may hve some difficult decisions to make.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2012 13:41

YANBU. In a healthy young couple a 3 year dry spell is not normal. Something's very wrong somewhere and you need to talk to each other honestly about exactly what that is.

NameChangeGalore · 21/09/2012 13:46

So whilst you are "performing" things on her, what does she do? Instead of talking to her, you're trying to force her into something she's obviously not interested in. Why would you do that? Why?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/09/2012 13:51

You aren't being selfish at all.

Shes not into sex, and that's fine, but you are and what you want matters too. She is getting everything all her own way at the moment and that's just not fair, it's selfish on her part.

Women know that good men don't want to be feel like they are pressuring them and they use that to their advantage, when they should be involved in working out solutions that will work for both members of a marriage.