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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sexless marriage is it normal?

49 replies

bleedinghert · 21/09/2012 10:55

we've been married for 5 years, we have a beautiful boy of 3 and we haven't had sex since he was conceived.
my DW has never been very sexual and although we had sex not very ofter at least we did now and again. I never pressure her about it, although I have talked about it with her and she replied she'd rather have a cup of tea and cuddle then sex. Okay, that's fine if that's what she wants, but I feel like she doesn't ever consider my needs. I get aroused when we are in bed and perform on her certain things, but it never leads to intercourse or her doing anything to me.

She wants another baby next year, so I'll be expected to perform when it suits her.
Am I being a selfish to expect a little bit of physical intimacy now and then? I just don't know anymore

OP posts:

EmmaNemms · 21/09/2012 13:52

my DW has never been very sexual

In my case it was my exH and whilst things were good in other areas, I'm afraid it led to the breakdown of our marriage, instigated by me, because I just couldn't function like that any more. I have remarried and, speaking for myself,
it has only confirmed how crucial it is for both to be happy and wanted.

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 13:58

Outraged, with resepct, how do you know for sure that his dw 'is getting everything all her own way at the moment'? Because the op is painting the picture of being a wonderful husband who doesn't pressure his wife into doing what she doesn't want (although 'performs' things on her - strange use of language) and doesn't get anything back? You don't actually know anything about their life apart from the fact that they haven't had sex for a long time. The relationship may be lacking in many areas. She may not, in actual fact, be getting everything all her own way.

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 13:58

I think some of you are being unfair on the op. It about being wanted not just sex. Imagine how you would feel if you were rejected every time?
Maybe there is something we don't know that's caused the problem, like a traumatic birth (yes I know it was 3 years ago but I am still haunted by my first borns birth & he is 5 now) or depression or maybe just plain exhaustion from looking after a small child.
you do need to talk it through though either with professional help or together and make it work

recall · 21/09/2012 14:00

outraged so she should just lie down and think of England ? If you don't enjoy sex - you don't enjoy it, its not about being selfish.

recall · 21/09/2012 14:02

OP, would you enjoy sexual intercourse with your wife if you knew she wasn't, but was doing it purely to pleasure you?

squoosh · 21/09/2012 14:05

AberdeenAngus you seem to be projecting a hell of a lot. Why shouldn't he look for advice from strangers? That's what people do here every day.

G1nger · 21/09/2012 14:05

Why are you giving her anything if you're not getting anything back? And does she masturbate?

Have you tried counselling?

hzgreen · 21/09/2012 14:09

i'm sure there must be more of a back story to this, are there underlying reasons why she doesn't want sex? i'm sure if there are it must be difficult for her to talk about.

i can understand that it must be very tough for you too and a little unfair if sexual contact is received but not reciprocated and you must feel quite rejected. the difference in sex drive is not just one persons problem as you are a couple and if one of you is unhappy it will affect both of you in the long term. i would definately recommend talking to her gently about your feelings and maybe consider counselling? Relate are really good with this sort of thing.

i can't help identifying with her though, i left my ex because he was often trying to cajole or emotionally blackmail me into having sex when i REALLY didn't want to. i'm certainly not saying that's what you're doing but this is clearly a sensitive issue for both of you and you each need to be mindful of the other persons feelings.

G1nger · 21/09/2012 14:10

It sounds to me like the OP is a long way off cajoling/pressuring her.

mumplus · 21/09/2012 14:18

I don't have any advice for you, but sympathise with both of you. We ended our marriage of because of this problem. It was very hurtful for my husband and difficult and distressing for me too. I think it was a combination of lack of interest in sex but also a sympton of underlying problems with the marriage. We have children (problem became worse after childbirth) and the decision wasn't taken lightly. I am sad but relieved that we are no longer married. I do think think this is quite a common situation. I know of at least two couples who have successfully continued with their relationship, although it is difficult.

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 14:23

hzgreen I agree with everything you wrote.

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 14:28

Projecting? Maybe. I dunno. I've just read a few threads by men over the years where they claim to be doing everything right - the perfect husband - but they're not getting what they need back i.e. sex. So the only thing people see is this 'poor man' who is being constantly rejected by his unreasonable wife. You're right, he has every right to ask for advice but this kind of question - is a sexless marriage normal? - has no answer other than 'no'. What will he do with that information? Tell her that thet majority of mumsnet agrees that she's not normal? Or seek counselling which, to be frank, I'm surprised he hasn't thought about seeing as it's been over three years.

Or, you know, maybe I'm just in a shit mood today

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 14:32

aberdeen I have been on the not giving side of a marriage too and I can see both perspectives. I just think if there is no underlying cause then this couple need some help to get back on track (if that's what they both want)

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 14:33

I agree with hzgreen too.

And performing acts on her kind of sounds like cajoling to me.

valiumredhead · 21/09/2012 14:34

And performing acts on her kind of sounds like cajoling to me

That's how I read it too.

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 14:42

I think it's that sentence that got my back up when I read the op. If someone doesn't want sexual contact it's a problem in the relationship, but a bigger problem is a partner doing things to her anyway when he gets aroused. Especially if she's said that all she wants is a cuddle.

willyoulistentome · 21/09/2012 14:46

me too. I didn't read it that she was being selfish by accepting or receiving sexual stimulation but not reciprocating. I read it as poor woman is being pawed against her will.

dondon33 · 21/09/2012 14:55

And performing acts on her kind of sounds like cajoling to me

Initially, it did to me too, but the more I think about it though, if she didn't want him to then she'd possibly stop him from touching her at all. I've been the refuser in a marriage (down to stress, depression and generally not liking him very much at the end ) and I wouldn't allow him to touch me at all, certainly not to give me some foreplay then stop it there.
As much as I didn't don't like him much, I feel it would have been totally selfish behaviour if I'd done that.

OP, I don't think you are being selfish in wanting your sex life to improve. The fact that your wife allows this "performing" could be that she has the intention to try but then finds she just can't/feels numb.
If your relationship is worth saving then you need to talk to her about visiting the GP/counselling. That's not to say she's "wrong" but it's worth investigating.

AberdeenAnxious · 21/09/2012 14:55

That's just how I read it, willyou. Made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

CakeBump · 21/09/2012 14:57

Seems odd that she's "not very sexual" but doesn't seem to "mind" you (I'm presuming) giving her oral sex and a hand job here and there. Does she orgasm?

If she does then she sounds like a selfish cow tbh.

thebeesnees79 · 21/09/2012 14:58

dondon33 very good point!

CakeBump · 21/09/2012 14:58

oh, just read page 2

If she comes, I still think it sounds selfish. If she doesn't then yes, she's probably "putting up with it", which doesn't do anyone any favours anyway....

FWIW OP, a sexless marriage would be a serious problem to me.

G1nger · 21/09/2012 15:04

"And performing acts on her kind of sounds like cajoling to me"

I read it as generosity.

MNHQ

OliviaPeaceAndLoveMumsnet · 21/09/2012 23:29

Hi there OP
Sorry to hear about this
If you prefer we can move this thread to the relationships topic
Let us know if you'd like us to do so by reporting the thread
Thanks
MNHQ

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