to wonder when to tell DD about her secret half sister?

[MoomieAndFreddie]

DH has got a 15 YO from a previous marriage. She was 9 when DH and his exW divorced. Me and DH got together in early 2008 when she was 11. I never met her as she wasn't happy with her Dad having a new girlfriend and didn't want to meet me. I will call her SD even though she isn't really due to the situation.

In 2009 we had a baby who has now just turned 3. When SD found out DH and I were having a baby she was very upset and started refusing to see or speak to DH. In 2010 when SD was 13 she decided she wanted to speak to him again but wouldn't see him. This went on for 6 months, but SD then abruptly stopped speaking to him for no apparent reason. She also completely cut out all of DH's other family as well ie his mum and his grandma. When he has contacted his exW she has told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off out of SDs life stay away as it just upsets her being in contact with him. Me and DH married in 2011 and SD was, of course, invited to the wedding, but didn't come.

Anyway, sadly, I don't hold out much hope of her wanting to reconcile anytime soon. Although it goes without saying, DH still sends SD birthday and christmas cards and maintenance to her mum. I personally think that he should make more effort to reach out to sd but there is only so far I can push this really, after all, its not my business as I have never even met SD. I would do anything to have her in our life though, and if she ever wanted to see us, I would welcome her with open arms no matter what.

I know my DD is too young to understand just yet, but when should we tell her? also I am worried about when the time comes to tell her, what the hell do we say, and will she be hurt that her half sister has never wanted to meet her, and what if DD wants to meet her and we have to explain that probably won't be possible? I know this is long and complicated so thank you if you have got this far.

My fil was introduced to his 3 half siblings in his 50s.

Slightly different in that he was the oldest, and, I think, had actually worked out that they probably were (he was adopted by a member of the family). His birthmother told them when the people there was potentially fall out from were no longer part of the equation (like her mum, who never knew she'd had another child).

He loves being part of a family. Really proud he is of his siblings and mum. I think it took the siblings a bit to get used to the idea, but they've never been anything but lovely to us and our family. We've had one or two funny conversations at family events. "Yes, dh is XXX's grandson, he's FIL's ds. Yes fil is XXX's son... perhaps we better explain..."

This thread has really touched me. I hadn't even begun to think how we would explain to DS (12 months) his dad's family situation when he's older...

DH is the "secret" (result of an affair) half-brother so my DS has a half-uncle and half-aunt that he will probably never meet.

And as DH's dad is ill and in a home and DH has to sneak around trying to see his dad without bumping into the legitimate family, DS will probably never meet his grandad either which is really Especially as we think he's the only grandchild and the half-brother and sister are in their 40s so unlikely to have any children.

Agree with others bring it up naturally. This is Daddys other dd when looking at photos.

Another one here who found out just last year that I have a half sister. My Mum just casually dropped it into a phone conversation as she thought I already knew. I haven't even brought it up with my Dad yet as we were not really in contact when I found out and although we are now we are not yet in a place to deal with this.

Would your dh be open to writing a letter to the girls mother c/o her parents, or allowing you to do so?

Maybe include some self addressed stamped envelopes and paper, plus photo's of you all?
Just to update her on everything, her half and step siblings, a nice family home where she would be more than welcome to come visit.

Good luck.

oh god Iscream, I dunno, they don't get on understatement and also we don't even know where they live - as I said upthread when DH sends her cards, presents etc, he just sends them to his exW's mums house and hopes she gets them....

and even if we did do that, I have a feeling it would just incur the wrath of SDs mother, whenever he has tried to reach out in the past he has been met with anger and drama

tbh she has a good reason to hate my DH - he was a real twat to her the reason he left her was for OW albeit many years ago now. :(

Oh, that makes it a lot harder. She has a big hate on for your dh and his dd probably has not heard much good about him. I guess all he can do is either try sending that letter (or maybe the ex would be more receptive if it was from you?) to the ex's parents house. If only she could know she has a step brother and half sister, she may make contact herself when she is older. But at least your children are aware of her, and he doesn't have to have that secret hanging over his head.
I bet she has looked on facebook.

I am your daughter!

My dad had two children and left for OW (my mum) which at first his two children (teens) accepted, birth of my two older brothers came and went without issue- but when I was born, my HS on hearing I was a girl claimed she'd been replaced and cut all contact until I was 12.

I knew she existed but felt terribly rejected. Couldn't understand why I had never met her. Parents massively downplayed it and when she did pop up in our lives, it's been an utter disaster and I haven't spoken to her since I was 21. Now I'm 28, been very very ill, married, divorced and now pregnant: all of which she knows about and despite attempts on my behalf we've had no contact.

Do continue to talk to her about it, but please also reassure her if she ever expresses feelings of rejection. My ED started around the same time I found out why she didn't contact my father after I was born.

iscream I don't think it would be any good coming from me, as DH exW hates me as well because when DH broke up with OW she wanted to get back with him, and he didn't want to, as he had been unhappy with XW for years anyway.

dh's OW was an "exit affair" (as I have heard it called on here). OW basically gave him the push to leave but once he had left for OW, he realised it was not OW he wanted, it was just that he didn't want to be in a relationship with exW - or anyone really.

But then a few months after he left OW he met me and his exW went completely nuts over it at the time, as she assumed if it wasn't for me, he might have come back to her. But he says he wouldn't. I don't mean to drip feed all this btw, I just didn't want to write a hugely long OP.

but yeah thats why exW hates me, and god only knows what she has said about DH to SD.

sometimes I wish I had never met DH. the heartache its caused over the years has been ridiculous. but then I wouldn't have my DD I guess :(

and funnylittle - this is what I worry about with my DD - that is SD rejects her it will affect her badly, and she is just an innocent in all this.

Do write your letter, with some photos of your children and give it to ExW's DM as you do with the Christmas presents.

Explain that you have told them both that they are siblings and tell her that you would welcome her to come and see them any time. Focus on the children, don't let the adults with their issues get in the way.

This is important, I think you are doing the right thing by taking this seriously and reaching out directly to the children. It would be prudent to involve ExW first though, to ensure that she has the option of supporting this contact.

my dh has a 12 yo old daughter i hve never met he was seeing her but as soon as her mum found out abot us she made it increasingly difficult for him .[ even though they had ent been together for years] He has tried numerous times to get in touch and just as thinghs seem to be going well his dd says she doesnt want to see him [ i think though cant be sure her mum has influenced her] ,our two boys know they have a sister well my six yr old does two and a half yr old a bit young yet and my oldest has met her briefly he keeps asking why he cant see her i just tell hime hopefully when he is older he will be able to. My dh has ever forot tosend birtyhday or xmas presents and pays maintenance so i,m hoping as dsd gets older she will be able to deceide for herself if she wants to see us

It is very sad that these things happen but you can never really be sure whether it is the parent influencing the non-contact or whether the child is getting self-conscious or uncomfortable and just doesn't see the value in seeing their parent. What is important is that the non resident parents makes it clear that she is welcome and that he loves her, not just for buying presents but for company. This is where letters come into their own. That can be a form of contact, the NRP can say what they want but the child can take it or leave it.

no you cant be clear but i findf it stange that a five year old girl [thats how old shw was the time] who loved her daddy very nuch\suddenly does nt want to see him but she is very aware should she choose to regain contact she would be vey welcome.

there has been sporadic contact over the years but if she says she does nt want to see him he cant force her it always seems to coincide though just as they are building up their relationship and getting close aga
in

Glad it worked out OK without drama. I have a similar situation in that DH has a much older daughter - in her 30s - who has a child of her own. They were estranged long before we ever got together so I have never met her - only seen photos. Dd has no clue of her existence and DH has no plans to tell her either. I don't agree with this but I must admit, I put it to the back of my mind.

The thing is though, that in Belgium, you cannot disinherit your children - even with a will, the older dd would be entitled to at least one third of his estate (not that there is one at the mo) if he died. This could potentially cause a huge issue if we bought a house etc. Not that I have a problem with her inheriting something, but this could cause me and dd a real headache and is something we MUST address.

DH gets upset when he thinks about it - there is never a good time etc But he is having some health scares at the mo, and we really need to write wills etc. Grrr.

And I just cannot imagine how to explain to dd (8) that she has a grown up sister and is technically an auntie. Especially as DH and I have no idea where she is, what she is doing etc. Tis very sad.

The truth will always come out, it's just a matter of time really. I wouldn't avoid being open about this sort of thing - it saves some pain at the time, but it also prevents relationships from developing over time.

I wish people would just be a bit more grown up about it and take the consequences. It's so much easier to just pass it on to the next generation.

I am going to my auntie's birthday next week - if my mother had her way I would ever have known she was my aunt and I would have missed the party.

Glad you are getting to know your aunt achillea ...why did your mum want to keep her from you (sorry if being nosey, please feel free to tell me to piss off lol)