to wonder when to tell DD about her secret half sister?

[MoomieAndFreddie]

DH has got a 15 YO from a previous marriage. She was 9 when DH and his exW divorced. Me and DH got together in early 2008 when she was 11. I never met her as she wasn't happy with her Dad having a new girlfriend and didn't want to meet me. I will call her SD even though she isn't really due to the situation.

In 2009 we had a baby who has now just turned 3. When SD found out DH and I were having a baby she was very upset and started refusing to see or speak to DH. In 2010 when SD was 13 she decided she wanted to speak to him again but wouldn't see him. This went on for 6 months, but SD then abruptly stopped speaking to him for no apparent reason. She also completely cut out all of DH's other family as well ie his mum and his grandma. When he has contacted his exW she has told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off out of SDs life stay away as it just upsets her being in contact with him. Me and DH married in 2011 and SD was, of course, invited to the wedding, but didn't come.

Anyway, sadly, I don't hold out much hope of her wanting to reconcile anytime soon. Although it goes without saying, DH still sends SD birthday and christmas cards and maintenance to her mum. I personally think that he should make more effort to reach out to sd but there is only so far I can push this really, after all, its not my business as I have never even met SD. I would do anything to have her in our life though, and if she ever wanted to see us, I would welcome her with open arms no matter what.

I know my DD is too young to understand just yet, but when should we tell her? also I am worried about when the time comes to tell her, what the hell do we say, and will she be hurt that her half sister has never wanted to meet her, and what if DD wants to meet her and we have to explain that probably won't be possible? I know this is long and complicated so thank you if you have got this far.

I would do anything to have her in our life though, and if she ever wanted to see us, I would welcome her with open arms no matter what.

I think you need to write to SD and tell her this. Get your DH to keep saying it too. She probably feels hugely rejected and unloved. Can you send photos of DD and drawings from your DD to her. Help build up some link? Also show your DD photos of SD.

About your DD. Slip it into the conversation every few months so you don't have to make an announcement. ''Oh yes your half sister Tracey has dark hair just like you'' etc ... just be honest and explain that you hope to meet SD one day but it won't be for a few years.

My DCs have two half siblings from ExHs previous relationship. I have never met them, only know their names, ages and a few details about their Mum. ExH has no contact with his DCs.

I talk about their siblings with my DCs, not very often, but often enough so they are aware they have other siblings. My DCs are still very young but I have always been concious that I don't want them to find out when they are older and think it's been a massive secret kept from them.

I was your daughter and only found out in my teens about an older (half) brother and sister. My father had been married before and then, in the way of the 1960s, denied access to his children. My Mum knew but they only came to visit when they were both 18. I found it very, very traumatic. I was OK with an older brother but he found me weird and wasn't sure what was appropriate (inviting me to a ball aged 16 as his "date" and then disappearing with someone for the night, leaving me alone with people 10 years older and all on the pull). However, I hated, and will always hate, the older sister foisted on me. She tried to steal my siblings, wanted my bedroom, and still has a hold over two of them (she has money) that rankles.

Please, please get it all out in the open. I really beg you to do this. Also, try to get your SD back into your lives so that your DH does not suffer. He will. My Dad was dying and his children from his first marriage showed no interest. He was gutted and spent most of the time, when we met them, trying to make up for the missing years with money, cars and attention.

The resentment I feel is very deeply felt and could so easily have been avoided had we been told. I found out at 14 when my mother got very, very drunk and told me all the secrets.

I was your daughter too. Almost exactly the same situation, but I was told in a grand revelation when I was 17. It was just awful, and there was absolutely no reasonable justification for hiding it from me. I still find it very difficult and upsetting and it has really damaged my relationship with my father.

Start telling her now - do it with pictures as suggested above, keep a picture of your SD out on display. And don't give up on SD - keep reaching out. She may not want contact now, but she will remember whether your DH tried or not.

Even if your DH doesn't want your DD to know, you absolutely MUST tell her. My mum, and the whole family, put Dad's wishes first over their responsibility not to hurt me, and that really upsets me.

Also, think about how SD would feel if she ever finds out her dad basically denied her existence to another child.

Just sounds like a lot of lying to me. You have a ds who's 6 an doesn't know about your dh's daughter, you and your dh have a daughter who's 3 and doesn't know about your dh's daughter. I think you should all start telling the truth. Perhaps she doesn't want to know her father because she knows he, and by default your, are deceitful. It sounds absolutely ghastly to me.

When I divorced, my DCs wanted no further contact with their father. He quickly had a second family with the woman he'd been seeing throughout our marriage. My dcs know these half-siblings exist but they are no more part of our lives than any children he may have fathered without our knowledge. They are not "sisters" and we have no contact. Families don't have to include all the results of the parents' indiscretions.

I was 16 when i found out about an older half sibling, I was devastated at the lying that had gone on my whole life and it destroyed my relationship with my father for a few years after , gave me a few daddy issues that i worked out through inappropriate relationships too.
This should definitely be part of the fabric of her life if possible, these revelations can be crushing.

I have a 20something yr old stepson. We last saw him 3 years ago as other than asking for money, he wants very little to do with our family (long and complicated story, but we told police about a very serious crime, he was involved in when he was a teenager). Anyhow, we have never hidden his existence from the 3 DSs, DS1 remembers him, but the younger 2 just find it confusing to have a brother that they don't know about, don't see and probably never will. So when DS1 talks to them about their brother they get quite grumpy about it. I guess it's like regularly telling them about ancient aunties/uncles who they never see, it's irrelevant to them and they don't really remember the info.

Please do it as soon and as gently as you possibly can.

My close friend discovered she had an older half sister when we were 18 (her mum had been married before, had an affair with friends dad who she later married and lost contact with her DD, mum & brother in the process).

To cut a long story short, the repercussions went on for years causing a huge family rift which eventually resulted in my friend having a breakdown and becoming permanently estranged from her parents.

It all could have been prevented by honesty, understanding & tolerance in the first place.

Bit harsh, married - sounds like the situation has developed gradually with SD wanting to speak to but not see her dad then stopping all together etc.

Young children very much accept things if you tell them.

My cousin had a baby a couple of weeks ago. I have shown dd (2.5) a picture of her new second cousin. She asked when she can see him. I said "he lives a long way away in a country called America so I don't know if you will ever see him but he is still your second cousin."

She just nodded and went back to playing with her Peppa Pig book.

I just want to say the girl is 15 she is a teenager and sometimes they get hurt and blow things out of proportion she sees new sister as a threat to her and again she is only 15 your husband should try and remain in contact tell your child about her maybe put a picture up , say this is your sister she lives very far away with her own mummy, the girl may mature and come round and want to see her dad,

I also agree with Mrs Orange and try to have some pics accessible. It will make it better for both sisters when/if they reunite. If elder sis came back to find that she wan't acknowledged that would be awful.

and I do think her mum is trying to protect her child even if it is misguided not saying it is right but that is what she is trying to do , and it is a shame that children suffer like that,

How did SD become the "secret half sister"? How come your son did not know about her when your and your DH were dating? There must have been times when your DH left to spend time with her before contact ceased and he must have wondered where stepdad disappeared for a day or two every other weekend.

What is your DH doing to try to keep in contact with her other than Christmas and birthday cards/gifts? Does he bother writing letters to her saying that he would like her to be in his life.

Sooner rather than later.

My father had a first marriage that I knew nothing about until after my mother (his second wife) died. My half-brother and I found out about each other when I was 16 and he was 25. It was a bit of a shock all round. We now have a good relationship although we live a long way apart so don't see much of each other.

We would both have preferred to know right from the start even if we weren't able to meet until later.

Definitely tell your daughter.

I was in a very similar position to you, DP divorced before I met him, ex wouldn't let him see kids when they were growing up so although he always sent birthday, Christmas cards etc, but communication was only one way from DP (except for occasional photo sent by ex FIL).

When DD was around 2, I wanted to tell her about her older siblings but DP didn't as there was still no contact between him & kids (who were nearly adults by this stage). Anyway, I insisted DD was told, in a gentle and no big deal way. We just brought her sibblings into conversations when talking about family and DD completely accepted it as the norm.

She met her sibblings for the first time last year (plus nieces & nephews) and had a ball with them.

Small children take things in their stride and if there's no big deal made about the 'rights or wrongs' of the situation, there will be no problem - whether your DD sees her big sister or not.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I think it is always best to start talking about it before she understands and then she will feel that she has always known. To leave it until later is too much of a shock.

i think you should tell your DD now even if she's not around at the moment for your dd to meet in person. One day she will be.
my ds is 7 and found out a year ago that he has 2 half brothers. i wasn't ready to tell him until he was a bit older, but he found out in an awful way last year and he was really confused at first. Im now glad that he's since found out as the 3 of them have now met up a few times and they will now grow up knowing eachother.

Telling your DD now will probably be exciting for her and she'll look forward to meeting her one day, telling her when she's older she'll be angry for it all being kept a secret - or she'll find out before you choose to tell her which would be even worse.

My DH was the secret half-sibling. He was given up for adoption as a baby, but made contact with his birth mother when he was 20. No one in her family had known about him at all. DH has always known he was adopted and accepted the possibility of having other siblings.

She has an only daughter, who was told about him when she was 16. The talk didn't go well, and the birth mother dropped all contact after that. I guess it was too much pressure on the mother's nuclear family, and that had to come first. It didn't really bother DH, he has his own family who are most important to him too.

It could have ended there, but the girl found the letters when she was 20, and wrote to him without her mom knowing. We now have a good relationship with her, she's honestly lovely, and she's been to stay a couple of times, and it has worked out great. But it could so easily have stayed broken. It's a massive revelation to drop on a teenager and I have every sympathy for the poor thing.

I agree with those who said "the sooner, the better" in terms of talking about it. They'll ask more questions as they get older, but you would do well to take the mystery out of it early on. They're more likely to feel aggrieved at YOU for keeping it from them, rather than upset at somebody they don't know and don't care about not caring about them.

I discovered I had a half-brother and sister when I was 26.

Don't do that.

Just sounds like a lot of lying to me. You have a ds who's 6 an doesn't know about your dh's daughter, you and your dh have a daughter who's 3 and doesn't know about your dh's daughter. I think you should all start telling the truth. Perhaps she doesn't want to know her father because she knows he, and by default your, are deceitful. It sounds absolutely ghastly to me

How are we deceitful? DS doesn't know about SD as he was only a toddler when DH was still seeing her, and he didn't meet SD as SD didn't want to meet us. Its not we have deceived them - its just I have had no idea how to deal with it. I am dealing with it now, posting this thread, and am hoping it is not too late.

Families don't have to include all the results of the parents' indiscretions

wow sunflowerseeds, thats a bit harsh :( me and DH are NOT an "indiscretion" and neither is our daughter. we were not some secret fling that resulted in a baby. we were in a serious relationship and now married and the baby was very much wanted.

Thanks for all the advice so far though, much appreciated. I am going to talk to DH today

Your husband is basically hiding his daughter, and you are deceiving your son and daughter by omission.

It is understandable his daughter is hurt and wants nothing to do with him.

When I met my now ex-h he had a daughter. Due to various reasons contact stopped with her.

When we had a baby we just spoke about my ex's other daughter naturally, that my daughter had a sister but she didnt' see her at the moment.

My ex's daughter a couple of times decided to have contact with her Dad but would always then change her mind, if my daughter had now known about her this could have caused real problems trying to explain the situation.

My daughter is my only child and when me and ex split up my daughter wanted to see her sister. I found out where her mum lived and heart in mouth steeled myself and knocked her door (had been previous with her).

However, apparently my ex's daughter had been trying to track down my daughter and was desperate for contact. Her mum and I put aside our differences (are now quite friendly) and arranged for the two sisters to meet the next week with phone contact in the meantime.

It worked out really well (there is an age gap of about 12 years). the two girls were identical in looks and had many shared interests. My ex's daughter has children of her own so my only child has gained an extended family and my daughter has her "big sis" to look up to.

It has been rocky at times as obviously my daughter has her Dad's version of events and ex's daughter has her mum's but they have been mature enough to realise they are getting different versions and to concentrate on their own relationship.

sorry this was long but good luck