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Original poster

to wonder when to tell DD about her secret half sister?

93 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 20/09/2012 18:37

DH has got a 15 YO from a previous marriage. She was 9 when DH and his exW divorced. Me and DH got together in early 2008 when she was 11. I never met her as she wasn't happy with her Dad having a new girlfriend and didn't want to meet me. I will call her SD even though she isn't really due to the situation.

In 2009 we had a baby who has now just turned 3. When SD found out DH and I were having a baby she was very upset and started refusing to see or speak to DH. In 2010 when SD was 13 she decided she wanted to speak to him again but wouldn't see him. This went on for 6 months, but SD then abruptly stopped speaking to him for no apparent reason. She also completely cut out all of DH's other family as well ie his mum and his grandma. When he has contacted his exW she has told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off out of SDs life stay away as it just upsets her being in contact with him. Me and DH married in 2011 and SD was, of course, invited to the wedding, but didn't come.

Anyway, sadly, I don't hold out much hope of her wanting to reconcile anytime soon. Although it goes without saying, DH still sends SD birthday and christmas cards and maintenance to her mum. I personally think that he should make more effort to reach out to sd but there is only so far I can push this really, after all, its not my business as I have never even met SD. I would do anything to have her in our life though, and if she ever wanted to see us, I would welcome her with open arms no matter what.

I know my DD is too young to understand just yet, but when should we tell her? also I am worried about when the time comes to tell her, what the hell do we say, and will she be hurt that her half sister has never wanted to meet her, and what if DD wants to meet her and we have to explain that probably won't be possible? I know this is long and complicated so thank you if you have got this far.

OP posts:
URMyDinosaurOnASpaceship · 21/09/2012 09:29

As someone who didn't find out til they were 16 that they had an identifiable dad as I thought I'd been born my anonymous aid when I wasn't and a half brother and sister I agree with others. Start dropping it into conversation now. Make it normal that she has a half sister. I was devastated that my mum had lied to me for all those years didn't give a shit about the dad bit just the lying
The one thing you may need to think about is when she asks to meet her. But don't lie about something so important.

bubby64 · 21/09/2012 09:45

This is a long winded reply, but please stick with it!. Go back 40yrs, and this would be my mum and me! My dad had a son 7 yrs older than us, and it was his mum that stopped the contact, and refused to let my (now) DSB know about me and my 2 brothers, but my dad always talked about him to us, when i was 18 we tried to find him when our dad died, but could not find him. Roll on another 20yrs, and we were contacted by an uncle doing family research and had contacted DSB, and told him about us, he was shocked and upset he had never been told he had 2 half bros and 1 half sis, and had grown up a lonely single child. He contacted us, and was shocked but gratified we had known about him, I had even given one of my DSs his name. We are now in regular contact, and TBH I get on better with him than one of my full DBs! His mum (now in her 80s) still does not know we are in contact, as he said it would kill her to find out, after striving all these years to keep the secret. The upshot of this long winded post is - talk about DSD to your DD, let her know she is out there, and, if in future she wants to make contact, the way is free for her to do so.

Yorkpud · 21/09/2012 10:19

I would tell your daughter now as that way she won't be shocked when she finds out when she is older. Also, keep encouraging your husband to try and maintain contact with his daughter. At least then his daughter will know that he wants to have contact. She may find it hard to back down from her position unless your husband keeps trying.

Mrsjay · 21/09/2012 10:34

I was told when I dropped dd2 off at nursery i was 33 that I had 19yr old brother, I hadnt seen my dad for years but a granny at nursery is my uncles wife she introduced herself she obviously recognised me It was a bloody shock and really awkward. I havn't met him don't intend too as he is a stranger to me,

wavesandsmiles · 21/09/2012 12:46

I've got a complicated situation too and no idea how to handle it. ExH left when DD was 4 months, and DS was about 20months. Intermittent contact. He had a baby about 1.5 years later with OW. Then they got married. They met their half sister a few times (access was limited) and then about 3 years ago (possibly 4 actually - I've lost track of time) ExH left OW and completely left the area. Barely any contact at all since - it was DDs bday last week and no card or anything (maintenance stopped well before he left). I have no idea where he is/how to contact him. DD is 7, and DS is 8 now. They don't ask about their dad at all anymore. And they may or may not remember their half sister.... No idea how to raise the issue, or whether to wait til they ask!

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 21/09/2012 14:39

This sort of situation seems to be a lot more common than I imagined. some sad / shocking stories.

:(

OP posts:
Mexxo · 21/09/2012 15:45

My mum only found out she had a half sister in her 40s, and has never really got over the shock and the deception, so I would definitely tell your DD as she grows up, explaining bits of the background to why you don't see SD as your DD becomes old enough to understand.

I hope your DH does manage to rebuild things with her, it sounds such a sad story and I bet her unwillingness to see him has been fomented by the mother. No child voluntarily decides it doesn't want to see a parent without very good cause.

SabrinaMulhollandJones · 21/09/2012 16:00

Secrets, lies by omission and 'big reveals' are just no good, I speak from experience within my extended step-family. I won't go into details, but a 'big reveal' when she was 18 completely devastated my stepsister and my half sister. They could not understand why they had been fed misinformation all their lives :(

Definitely, definitely, tell her now so she grows up knowing of her full family (even if she never gets to meet her s
Half sister).

shockers · 21/09/2012 16:18

My brother wasn't told about me until he was in his late 20's. I knew about him, but assumed that he didn't want anything to do with me as I always mentioned him in my letters to my Father, but never got anything personal from him.

Though they were in another country, I find it hard to forgive the people who stopped two children from having any sort of relationship, even a written one.

My Father also neglected to tell me that both my Grandparents had died before was born, leading me to think that they weren't interested either.

OP, I don't think you've left it too late, yet. Could you write on behalf of your DD?

CheerfulYank · 22/09/2012 05:11

A good friend of mine only found out a few years ago that her mother had given up a dd for adoption. It only came out because the DD had found the mother and wanted to meet.

They all met and get on remarkably well now, but it has been hard because it was such a shock. And my friend had to go through all the "I am not my mom's first, not even her first daughter" feelings, and her sister was worried that my friend would be closer to the adopted sister....lots to go through.

I know it's not nearly the same situation, but it is something that would have been easier if it hadn't just come out of the blue.

MammaTJisWearingGold · 22/09/2012 05:27

Slightly different, but my exH has an older DD. He and his first wife also had a DS who was born prematurely and died at two weeks old. He refused to tell our DD. I told her a couple of years ago, after all he would have been her half brother. She is very close to her older half sister.

Her sisters mum died recently and she went to the funeral to support her. The brother was mentioned at the funeral. I was so glad I had told her, as that would have been an awful way to find out.

I agree with those who have said to make her part of every day conversation now.

TheHumancatapult · 22/09/2012 05:36

Just make it normal

I have 4dc 2 older ones 18 and 15 have older half brother who they met few times but both don't want anything more to do with him don't like how he behaves. There dad married again has 2 younger boys both my boys know about them but they both not interested in them said they don't view them as siblings but then there not interested in their dad either but it's not a secret iykwim

Then have 2 younger ones 9 and 7 there dad has remarried and has new baby both know about her . Dd is more curious than ds ( not met her yet as his wife seems adamant to keep the two families apart ) but is not over fussed as its not a secret and I do talk about it but let her take the lead

TheHumancatapult · 22/09/2012 05:38

The older half brother is on their dads side not mine

And yes officially my older two and younger two are half siblings to but while they know they have Differnt dads there not fussed and all mine are very close to each other

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 23/09/2012 16:16

Thanks for all the replies

I have spoken to them, and DH. So they have now been told, and we have shown them pictures of her

Its amazing how much her and DD look like eachother :(

OP posts:
maddening · 23/09/2012 16:40

Sounds like all is good now it's out in the open :)

Maybe make a family journal each year to send to sd at Christmas so she gets to know you through this - then a special letter from her dad telling her how much he misses her etc etc?

FairPhyllis · 24/09/2012 04:17

You've done the right thing, OP. And probably saved a shitload of money on therapy a lot of heartache.

NeitherShreddedNorSmug · 24/09/2012 04:38

OP, you have done the right thing by talking about it.

DH has a half sister 20 years younger than him. For various complicated reasons to do with not-so-DFIL, DH didn't stay in touch with her after she was about 10 years old. DS1 had met his auntie, but DS2 hadn't well he had, but he was only a baby so couldn't remember. But we always talked about auntie X, so when she came back into our lives after a 10+ year gap, it was as if she'd never been away.

Elevensies · 24/09/2012 05:49

I can only speak from my person experience which I appreciate isn't quite the same situation as OP :

I found out I have twin brothers a few months after my dad died. I was in my early 40s at the time. My brothers are the same age as me. I have no idea if my Mum knows. I have never met them and believe that they do not know of my existence.

This devastated me.

armedtotheteeth · 24/09/2012 06:10

I've only just come across this thread.

I'm so glad you've told them and I'm certain it's the right thing. How did they take the news?

iscream · 24/09/2012 07:31

You have done the right thing Moomie. You dh was probably so full of anxiety over it all that he just blocked it all out. Much better to have it open. You have knocked down some of the brick wall, hopefully communication with his daughter will become part of your lives.
Has your step-daughter seen a photo of her half sister do you know?

laptopwieldingharpy · 24/09/2012 07:51

Am so glad you've managed to talk about it.
It is vey important that there is full diclosure and trust within your own family unit.

If SD ever makes contact and decides to mend fences, it will make a tremendous difference to her that she is not a shameful secret but a welcomed member of the family.

It would be lovely for your DH to also write on behalf of her little sister and include photos showing the resemblance or a drawing from DD.

Does she know you have a DS and that you are a recomposed family? Is she resentful that DH is raising your son?

NellyJob · 24/09/2012 07:59

agree with previous poster, how did this poor girl suddenly become "the secret half sister" - how horrible for her.

quoteunquote · 24/09/2012 09:36

Have you never had photos up of her in the house?

Don't deceive your children, when they find out and they always do, they will never trust you again.

laptopwieldingharpy · 24/09/2012 09:54

Oh yes, 1 or 2 photos of her in the house, definitely!

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 24/09/2012 14:45

I agree with the photo's. I worry it would be upsetting for DH though - I agree with iscream that DH was blocking it out a bit through anxiety

i can't imagine what it must be like to have a child you don't see :(

and i think writing to her is a great idea - but DH doesn't even know where she lives anymore - because his exW moved and wouldn't say where to. when he sends cards, money etc he sends it to his exW's parents house, and just hopes SD gets them.

i found her (SD) on FB but she is set to very private so we couldn't even message her through there.

OP posts: