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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get rid of my nanny even though DD loves her?

52 replies

Honesttodog · 18/09/2012 22:52

Nanny loves 4yo dd and vice versa, but I feel the nanny is less patient with DS at times (DS is 1).

Nanny has been caring for DD since she was about 1, one day a week.

She used to do lots of activities with her but now just takes her to park and seems to make very little effort with kids when at the house. She is a nice lady and has been through difficult times in the past, and I feel very sad about wanting to let her go. But I really feel that she is not putting in enough effort with the kids to warrant her rate and I am a bit frustrated at times with her attitude. I feel that I could get a really amazing bright energetic nanny for the same rate and have the kids really stimulated.

She is a bit older and I feel she would be very sensitive/hurt/offended if I tried to tell her to do more, or to correct some of the minor issues I have a problem with - she is inflexible about working times and I would really prefer to have someone who could help out in the early evenings - and I think she is just slowing down a bit generally. I am quite conscious that winter is coming and I don't want the kids plonked in front of the tv because it's dark at 330 or 4.

However, this nanny is a very calm influence, can get the kids to eat anything, is very patient and loving and has a good relationship with them.

She seems to be good enough for my kids but not nearly good enough for me.

What to do?

OP posts:

vigglewiggle · 18/09/2012 22:57

I think you need to speak to her, it is only fair to give her a chance to improve. I would imagine under employment law, you are duty bond to do this also.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 18/09/2012 22:58

Is she doing nothing with them (ie cbeebies) or nothing PFB-tiger-mummy (ie enrichment, classes, groups)? The former would upset me, the latter wouldn't. I think kids thrive with park, home, water, mud, drawing. We might want French immersion creative dance but that isn't their bag. You may not find another nanny who loves them as much and has the relationship with them she does.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/09/2012 22:58

I think you are being a bit daft, sorry. This is someone they love very much who has been around years - I really can't think of a good enough reason to get rid of someone so loving and patient to your children.

I suggest you work with what you have and get nanny to take them to some more organised activities for stimulation if you think it's lacking - or you can be the one to provide a more stimulating time and nanny can do the boring but worthwhile job of getting them to eat everything

Rubirosa · 18/09/2012 23:01

Well, you can't just sack someone you have employed for 3 years! At the least you need to do some performance management, give her warnings to improve etc or it will be unfair dismissal.

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 23:02

A good relationship with your children is pretty valuable.

But then I don't want my children to be "stimulated", I want them to be happy and secure.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2012 23:02

For the sake of 1 day a week I'd keep them with the person they've built a relationship with and love.

The kids won't combust because they're not busy every minute of 1 day in the week.

I'm sure you and your DH stimulate them just as much as you would like your Nanny to, so let them stay with her as long as they're happy to.

Sometimes the relationship itself is worth far more than structured activities.

Original poster

Honesttodog · 18/09/2012 23:02

Thanks. she just doesn't seem to get down and pull toys out, play with things, help them to build lego - the things you do to kickstart their play when they are watching too much tv.

I think I am struggling with this because I'm not sure how to ask her to change. she is older than me and i don't want to seem rude or patronising and I just wish I had someone young and enthusiastic!

OP posts:

lovebunny · 18/09/2012 23:04

one day a week and they like her?

you're jealous so you want to put a stop to it.

if i'm reading right, and i might not be, they only spend one day a week with this woman. she's caring, they like her.

you can do the activities and stimulation. on the day when you're not there, let nanny be the reassuring, comforting, cosy presence who reassures your children.

if she doesn't want to work the extra hours, get someone else in for those times.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 18/09/2012 23:06

You can't 'get rid' of an employee because you're bored wth them. If you have issues with performance then man up and tackle them. I think your nanny sounds like a caring and pleasant presence in your children's lives tbh. I would think very carefully before rocking that boat. Her function is to care for the children btw not help you out in the early evenings.

Original poster

Honesttodog · 18/09/2012 23:06

seriously, I am not jealous. I am just fed up of paying someone when I've seen other nannies doing a better job than her.

OP posts:

RedDevilBattery · 18/09/2012 23:11

If the alternative to asking her to improve is firing her, I'm sure she'd find it less rude just to suggest that she doesn't let them watch so much TV. If you still aren't satisfied, then you can think about what you want to do.

It isn't fair to plan on firing her before you've given her a chance.

BrandyAlexander · 18/09/2012 23:12

words fail me. so i will just say this...what northernlurker said.

Rubirosa · 18/09/2012 23:13

You do realise that as an employer you have responsibilities?

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 23:13

"she just doesn't seem to get down and pull toys out, play with things, help them to build lego - the things you do to kickstart their play when they are watching too much tv."

You don't need to "kickstart" children's play.

If they're watching too much TV you just turn it off.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2012 23:14

she just doesn't seem to get down and pull toys out, play with things, help them to build lego - the things you do to kickstart their play when they are watching too much tv

Do you and your DH do this when you are with them?

Was there a time when she ever did this herself?

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 18/09/2012 23:14

Oh come on - your children are safe and loed and secure with this caregiver. She has them one day a week. What is she supposed to do - conduct 12 hours intensive art tuition interspersed with abseiling lessons?

If you want her to do other things then ASK her to. If she doesn't then you have grounds for complaint but it's actually really nasty to be chuntering behind her back without giving any guidance to her as to what you want done.

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 23:16

It's also very illegal to fire someone because they are getting older and you would prefer a nice youthful specimen.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 18/09/2012 23:16

Sounds like your taking the easy way out rather than try and sort things.

Can't you just say you'd like them to start doing a few more bits in the day and make a list of suggestions?

honeytea · 18/09/2012 23:21

Do you provide things for them to do? different crafts and things to bake with could be a good start. The park is a great trip out with 2 little ones, where do you want her to take them?

If you don't want them watching so much TV just tell the nanny that you only want them to watch maybe 15-20 mins or no TV on a week day, but it is only fair that you and your DP follow the same rules.

What made you choose her in the first place?

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 18/09/2012 23:22

Do you let them watch TV when you're caring for them OP?

Original poster

Honesttodog · 18/09/2012 23:23

ok thanks everyone, will have another think about how I can suggest other activities.

apols if I sound bonkers, I really need to get out more...

off to bed now

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 18/09/2012 23:24

How about the park?

holyfishnets · 18/09/2012 23:26

It's only one day a week. Can you arrange some activities for her to do. Toddler group in the morning. Have a rummage around and tell her you have found the paints, clay, stuff for junk modling etc ... and the kids have been desperate to get thier hand on em.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork · 18/09/2012 23:26

you do sound a bit bonkers OP - but fair play to you for admitting it.

It's conker season soon - buy your dd a basket and ask nanny to take her out to find some. Mine find them endlessly fascinating

DisabilEightiesChick · 18/09/2012 23:27

Two issues here to consider. One, how important is all this when it's for 1 day a week, and your DD will be at school (presumably) in a year's time? Do they do 'stimulating' things on the other days, or are you relying on the nanny to provide that sort of thing? I don't think one day of low-key activity would bother me.
Second, how likely are you to get the brilliant, stimulating nanny you want for only one day a week?
I do think you could ask her to get toys out etc to give them a change from TV if they are sitting there for hours and hours.

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