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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get rid of my nanny even though DD loves her?

52 replies

Honesttodog · 18/09/2012 22:52

Nanny loves 4yo dd and vice versa, but I feel the nanny is less patient with DS at times (DS is 1).

Nanny has been caring for DD since she was about 1, one day a week.

She used to do lots of activities with her but now just takes her to park and seems to make very little effort with kids when at the house. She is a nice lady and has been through difficult times in the past, and I feel very sad about wanting to let her go. But I really feel that she is not putting in enough effort with the kids to warrant her rate and I am a bit frustrated at times with her attitude. I feel that I could get a really amazing bright energetic nanny for the same rate and have the kids really stimulated.

She is a bit older and I feel she would be very sensitive/hurt/offended if I tried to tell her to do more, or to correct some of the minor issues I have a problem with - she is inflexible about working times and I would really prefer to have someone who could help out in the early evenings - and I think she is just slowing down a bit generally. I am quite conscious that winter is coming and I don't want the kids plonked in front of the tv because it's dark at 330 or 4.

However, this nanny is a very calm influence, can get the kids to eat anything, is very patient and loving and has a good relationship with them.

She seems to be good enough for my kids but not nearly good enough for me.

What to do?

OP posts:

HappySunflower · 18/09/2012 23:28

You employed her, so presumably you outlined your expectations to her at that point, yes?
How often do you meet with her for reviews/appraisals?
I am guessing that you don't, because these kind of issues would have been cleared up before now if you had.

I suggest that you meet with her to talk to her about things, but tread carefully, because she sounds as though she would be somebody that you and your children would, if it came to it, be very sad to lose.

iknowwho · 18/09/2012 23:34

How much do you want the kids to do? Don't forget that children need downtime to.

The nanny seems perfectly fine.

Maybe you could do some stimulating things with your children.

Failing that you could get an amazing bright energetic nanny for the same rate Good luck!

HollaAtMeBaby · 18/09/2012 23:34

Why not get rid of your TV, or move it into your bedroom? Nanny and kids will then have to find other ways to entertain themselves... or are there different standards when you're on duty?

GhouliaYelps · 18/09/2012 23:35

Xmasbaby11 · 18/09/2012 23:37

I think its fair enough that you want more stimulation for your kids. She is a qualified nanny and should have more than enough tricks in her bag to keep kids active. You need to talk to her but maybe in a very roundabout way. You could say you've fallen into the trap of letting them watch too much TV / too much unstructured play and that you plan to get them into the habit of doing x and y. Be specific about what you'd like her to do, and be realistic as well.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 18/09/2012 23:38

Sounds like your just a bit nervous to talk to her, it will be fine.

loopyluna · 19/09/2012 07:52

I had a v similar situation. Our (fabulous) nanny was late 50s and at times, lacked discipline and lets the DC watch more TV than I would but I felt that the pros massively outweighed the cons. The DC adored her, she adored them and was like an extra grandma.
As she had them 4 mornings a week, I found a toddler group one morning and a play session another morning and asked if she'd take them there to help them socialise. She was happy to oblige and actually enjoyed her cuppa and chat with the other mums/ grandmas/ CMs. She especially loved comparing my 2 to the other tots and telling me how much more clever, polite, pretty etc she found my two!
So the kids got their "stimulation" and socialising two mornings, calm, snuggle time with nanny two mornings and the rest of the time withI me. I thought it was perfect

TheCalmingManatee · 19/09/2012 08:04

err, play with them yourself maybe? You never know, you might like it

aldiwhore · 19/09/2012 08:41

My Granny never used to play lego with me. I'm 38 now and much as I love my mum, my Granny is still number one on my 'adored people of all time' poplist, okay so she wasn't a nanny, but she was childcare.

Maybe suggest less TV more activities. Ask her to bake or make things with the kids? You could stress that Christmas is approaching and 'wouldn't it be lovely' for the children to do the cards this year? Give her a project.

I do think that your childrens' love for Nanny is the important thing.

whoneedssleepanyway · 19/09/2012 08:50

I am not sure why the OP is getting such a flaming?

She pays someone to do a job for her and that person is not doing it to the same standard they did at the start, if I did that in my job I would be on performance review. Also if the role has fundamentally changed and the OP no longer needs a nanny in the morning but needs evening help that is fine too ( but you would have to pay redundancy).

This isn't just any job though it is looking after your children and with all the plus points you mention in your shoes I would probably overlook the other stuff.

whoneedssleepanyway · 19/09/2012 08:52

I am not sure why the OP is getting such a flaming?

This isn't just any job though it is looking after your children and with all the plus points you mention in your shoes I would probably overlook the other stuff.

Rubirosa · 19/09/2012 08:58

She's getting flamed because she hasn't done a performance review. She just wants to sack her and replace her with someone younger. If she changes the role then she has to offer it to the current nanny anyway, she can't just make her redundant.

Bonsoir · 19/09/2012 09:02

I sympathise, OP. I think it is absolutely fine to tell a nanny that there is to be no television while she is on duty, especially when the nanny only works one day a week and that she is to take the children to the park or to play games with them at home. If she is unhappy with that, she is not up to nanny duties.

Themumsnot · 19/09/2012 09:03

OP - the question is how would you like it if your boss fired you without warning because s/he felt you hadn't been doing your job as well as s/he would have liked but didn't want to mention in for fear of upsetting you. A teensy bit upset, no?
Your nanny has the same rights under employment law as you do. Sit down, have a chat with her and outline your expectations.

Bonsoir · 19/09/2012 09:04

I don't have a nanny, but I do use daytime babysitters for DD (7). I expect them to supervise homework (including corrections, tests etc) in a meaningful way (ie not drinking a cup of coffee in the next room), to play games (Connect 4, Uno, Monopoly, Scrabble etc), to do role play etc etc.

Goldmandra · 19/09/2012 09:04

The one most important things your children need right now is a stable, affectionate relationship in which they feel secure. Nothing else is as important for their well-being or development as that. I know it doesn't look as educational or stimulating as junk modelling or mud painting but it is far more important.

I think you are making a fair comment about the tv and the solution is to tell the nanny and your DD that you are putting a limit on her tv time. That is a normal thing for parents to do and won't imply a criticism of the nanny. Just tell her that your DD is old enough now to understand the she must choose her viewing carefully. She will be allowed to watch a certain number of programmes a day and must choose what they will be.

This will hopefully spur the nanny on to find alternative activities on those darker evenings or she will save up the tv for the evening and keep them busy doing other things during the day.

I think you've had a rough ride on this thread but there are some valid comments. It is only one day a week. If you're happy that they are getting lots to do on the other days it won't cause them a problem.

They feel safe and secure with this lady and that is priceless.

seeker · 19/09/2012 09:09

Out of interest, how old is she?

Oh, and how do you know what they do all day?

But you don have a perfect right to say "only an hour's TV a day" or something like that.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 19/09/2012 09:15

YANBU to want your nanny to do more with the children and to do what you want during the hours you employ her.

YABU to not do proper performance management, and to discuss with her what you want her to do.

But it does feel hard to do that with someone who cares for your children, but it is necessary.

iknowwho · 19/09/2012 09:20

OP what does you DP/DH think about it.
Has he thought about raising the issue with the nanny?

allthefun · 19/09/2012 09:20

Perhaps she has run out of ideas. If she has been a nanny for a long time (like parents who have lots of children) you do run out of steam.

Maybe as the parent you could think of things you'd like them to every evening and the nanny could then implement. Perhaps thinking up fun activities is her job but you can't really think of raising your children like that can you. It is more important that they are happy with her and you trust her. It is also a pain finding a good nanny especially one that stays for any length of time.

Fillybuster · 19/09/2012 09:20

OP, I don't think you're BU in general (the bit about wanting your dcs to do more when your nanny is looking after them, or expecting her to be more understanding/patient with your ds) but you are in the specific, mainly because you're going about the solution in the wrong way.

I suggest you

a) have a chat with your nanny about her relationship with ds. That would worry me most at this stage, even 1 day a week.

b) set a 'no tv' or '30 mins max before dinner time' rule. I would definitely feel pissed off if I was paying someone to provide childcare and they were using the tv excessively. But bear in mind she might find it the safest/most sensible way to prepare their dinner whilst they wind down in the late afternoon, so maybe a 'max time' rather than 'none at all'?

c) go out and buy a load of arts and crafts stuff from poundland. They have amazing kits. And buy one of those long rolls of craft paper. Show them to your dcs and your nanny, and suggest that they make stuff on days when the weather isn't good enough to go to the park. Or set them some challenges - an 'autumn collage', for which they each collect stuff for the next 2 weeks (interesting leaves, twigs etc) and then stick onto a huge piece of paper when the weather gets bad - or 'draw themselves' (nanny draws around child lying on paper) and decorate it. That should take several weeks and they will be very proud of the end result.

d) sit your nanny down and have an open chat with her. Maybe focus on changing children's needs (ds getting a bit older, wanting to do more, dd needing more of a challenge/stimulation) and discuss some different strategies. You could perhaps jointly plan a 'normal' day with her (morning - park if weather good/playgroup if not, lunch, baby nap whilst doing something more interesting with dd, afternoon craft stuff and lego), so you have jointly agreed what she is going to be aiming for. Get her buy-in. Show some interest and support.

e) Agree a date (say 6 weeks) when you will sit down and review the new timetable with her, to discuss what works/doesn't work. This also gives you a firm date in the diary to raise any concerns if she isn't managing to achieve what you've agreed, and probably will help keep her focussed on delivery.

I think you also need to bear in mind that she has probably 'slowed down' a bit because she has been managing an active toddler and a smallish baby for the past few months, and that can be a challenging balance. She may well be a bit bored herself, but have felt a bit stuck because she couldn't do so much with dd because your ds had a limiting schedule? Just a thought.

Good luck :)

Longtalljosie · 19/09/2012 09:24

This isn't a casual thing - you are an employer which means you have responsibilities and she has rights. Can you imagine your own outrage if you were fired because you weren't doing what your employer wanted, but he or she didn't want to go to the trouble of communicating that to you, and thought it was simpler to fire you and get in someone younger?

Arrange an appraisal. Ask on the nanny threads if they've been / are appraised and ask the form it takes. Tell her in advance, discuss goals, praise her achievements and tell her how you want her to improve. Not just because it's the fair thing to do - because it's the least she should be able to expect!

civilfawlty · 19/09/2012 09:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want to pay someone to plonk your children in front of cbeebies. But I do think sacking, as well as potentially constituting unfair dismissal, is bonkers when your kids love her. Why not tell her tv is limited to 45 mins a day, and ask her to do xxx (fill in the blanks). If you need extra flexibility at the end of the day, I'd have that conversation too.

adeucalione · 19/09/2012 09:40

Has she slowed down since DS arrived a year ago, or is it more recent than that? I'm just wondering whether she did lots of fun stuff when it was just DD but is finding it harder now there is a 1yo to amuse as well.

Either way I am sure she would prefer to have a discussion about her performance, and be given the chance to make changes, than be sacked.

I am quite shocked that, despite a good relationship, you would be willing to sack her without giving her an opportunity to improve tbh.

And I agree with all of the posters who have suggested that you provide lots of activities and point her in their direction, make a new rule about how long the tv can go on etc.

RuleBritannia · 19/09/2012 10:57

What does your nanny do while the children are watching television? Wash clothes? Prepare what to do the next day?

Do you want a 'young, bright person' to take her place because she would be cheaper? a really amazing bright energetic nanny rang bells at me. You just want someone younger so you would then be the older one and 'could tell her what to do'.

It's your children who have the nanny for the day. Have what they want. The 4 year old will be at school soon so will have to be taken there and collected. Will Nanny do that - or you? Think ahead.

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