To wish DH wanted to care for us not the general public

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

I am disabled. Am registered blind, my back is bad and my hands aren't working too well. We have one dd who is partially sighted and has ASD.

Dh used to be a manager. He worked long hours but the money was good. He was made redundant twice in quick succession and it triggered what I can only describe as a midlife crisis. Next month he starts his new dream job as an emergency care assistant (paramedics side kick) he will be away lots in the evenings and weekends. I work 9-5 in the week. The money is bad and I earn a lowish wage (combined salaries are less than his old one) I have very little independence here and am going to be reliant on family (who offer to help and then throw it in my face if I don't do exactly as they approve

AIBU to want DH to do a 9-5 job which doesn't fulfil his need to have a job with meaning in order to give dd and I a better quality of life?

Or am I being greedy and selfish??

But what about his quality of life? Money isn't everything, neither is weeknights/weekends but enjoying life - he is going to be a better father/husband if he is fulfilled in his working life

I think you need to sit down with him and draw up a budget. Maybe he will then get a better idea of the family's living expenses, and what you will all have to sacrifice for his new dream job.

However, are there real opportunities for him to earn more anyway? If he has been made redundant twice in quick succession it sounds rather like he was in a sector which has been badly hit.

Perhaps he has the prospect of improving his earnings in his new job after a while with promotion etc?

cricket I don't see how he is going to be a better father/husband if he isn't there most evenings and weekends.

YANB greedy or selfish at all. It is all well and good fulfilling your own dreams as long as your own family are not suffering for it. There must be compromise. He has responsibility at home and needs to be realistic about what is his commitment there, plus allow some time for you all to be together enjoying each other. Is there any scope for you to change and improve your own income?

He will be happier I know he will.

There is a 9-5 job open for him if he wanted it that would pay more (slightly) than his chosen job. But he doesn't want it.

And I don't want certain aspects of my life. He chose to marry you and have DD (I assume) - you and she have health issues, there is little compatible childcare/help, your finances are lower than before. He doesn't want the job, ok, but does his not wanting that weigh more than wanting family happiness?

We honesty can't find a compromise. He wants a job that is out and about making a difference to people's lives and they don't come with 9-5 regular hours. The compromise is for me to try living with the new job for "a while". But it's unclear what will happen if I don't want to live like that.

I was independent when we married. I have become less so over the years. We had dd because I wanted children. He thought being a father would grow on him (and says it has but evidence would suggest he wants his independence back)

Just because re isn't working 9-5 doesn't mean he's never going to be there, just different hours. Surely someone who is more fulfilled in their work is going to be a better person with their family rather resenting the life they have doing something they don't want to do for 40 hours a week?

I know that but at the same time I struggle to do the relentless slog of bedtimes and evening chores after a full day at work.

I know I'm being selfish but I don't want to be abandoned.

I think you are being selfish in thinking your needs matter more than your dh's needs. By your own admission, his previous job was not making him fulfilled or happy. Those kind of situations can be a killer to ones mental and emotional health over time. It was obviously bad enough for him to take stock and need a complete change of direction. It's not like he is abdicating his responsibility to contribute to the family. He is continuing to work hard, just doing something different (and more beneficial to society too). You must have had to deal with him not being around when he was at work before; it's just his working hours are different now.

The only alternative is for him to spend a lifetime in a job which does not make him happy, knowing that he has the ability and skills to be doing his dream job. Could you honestly hand on heart feel comfortable expecting the person you love to do that? Wouldn't you feel terribly guilty?

As an ambulance man, he won't be losing every weekend/evening (shifts, isn't it? Though that brings its own complications).

I don't think YABU to wish things were different and he had secured a job you approve of. But with two recent redundancies, his priority might have been getting back not the workforce at all. He might not have the resilience to keep looking in a generally tough job market and it will be better for his CV to have a settled time in work before he starts looking to change (I doubt he'll see this post as his career be-all and end-all anyhow).

But YWBU to expect him to give up his only job offer, unless you can afford to keep your family on your income alone.

My eldest has autism and erbs palsy and my youngest has autism and ADHD. There was a time a few years back and which lasted for a few years when I was practically incapacitated. I have a disability and several health issues.

My husband was the carer for all of us.

It is hard. It is stressful and it is lonely and demanding and you feel like you have given over your entire existance to be a carer and that you don't exist any more.

My husband never once complained, never said any of that, but I know what it's like to be a carer.

Ask on the sn board what it's like to be a carer.

You do it willingly. You do it out of love. But you sacrifice in order to do it and sometimes, just sometimes, you are so drained that you just wish you had something for you.

I know you feel vulnerable, but this is making you think that your needs matter more and that your husband's job is to look after you. Well, yes, but he matters too. If he loves you, cares for you, is there for you - but wants to do something for him, to fulfil him personally, is there really no way to make that possible? No homestart volunteer or whatever they're called? No help from social services?

You aren't being selfish. You're scared because you feel vulnerable. Don't interpret that as selfishness.

It sounds to me like you are scared of being left on your own a lot of the time and I entirely understand that. It is harder on family doing shift work and you feel like you will carry the burden from this change.

I wonder if your dh will be able to take on more of the household chores so you can relax about them a little.

Also remember that he is still doing a normal amount of hours (40 a week or whatever it is) just at different times.

Is it the working hours that bothers you or is it the lower wage or both?

I don't think you are being selfish, but I think you do have to allow him to look after his own needs too. We spend so much time at work, it's not fair to expect him to do a job he doesn't want to when he has the offer of something fulfilling that he would love.

It sounds like your life isn't an easy one, but that will impact on him too. Don't allow your disability to take more away from your lives than it has to. If he can do this job without it actually harming you or your dd, then he should.

I do this job and the upside is you get lots of large chunks of time at home, yes it's long hours but over fewer days IYSWIM. There will be lots of days when he is home to do both mornings and evenings, the NHS are also really good with carers leave and sick pay (at least in my trust) and the pension is still better than my private sector one.
The pay goes up every year and you get 25% on top of the basic for unsocial hours.
I'm just about to start the paramedic degree and can say hand on heart that it is the best job I've ever done.
Give it a reasonable go at least a year IMHO.

I was also going to add that it sounds like a job where there is a definite path for promotion and further training which will bring more money. And there are upsides as well as downsides to shifts as others have said.

In fact the more I think about it, there is a compromise- the compromise could be him doing the job for 12 months. If you're really not coping then he could reconsider. But you may find its the best thing for your family- he may be far happier and rejuvenated and who knows, have a chance for further training in a year. And the alternative could have been a 3rd redundancy anyway ....

I know that but at the same time I struggle to do the relentless slog of bedtimes and evening chores after a full day at work.

It sounds to me as though everyone's very concerned about your husband's fulfilment and well-being but he isn't the only one to consider. What about your well-being and that of the children?

If you have to work all day, are struggling with illness yourself, then come home and essentially have to be a single parent most nights and weekends, bearing the brunt of family life and housework, I can well understand your ambivalence.

I know I'm being selfish but I don't want to be abandoned.

If your husband could take a better paid job with more reliable hours, then actually I think it's him who's being selfish, not you.

As a parent you have to put your family's needs ahead of your own. It doesn't sound as though this is the right time for him to be ignoring your concerns and pursuing his "dream job", no matter how valuable it is in the community. The financial and emotional cost to his family will be immense and he needs to understand the enormity of the risk he is taking.

You have obviously expressed your concerns to him. Have you actually sat down together and looked at the financial implications of this reduction in salary? If he disregards your concerns and goes ahead regardless, and you end up working full time and doing all the domestic responsibilities too, it's going to grind you down and cost you your own health and well-being.

How would he feel if you then decided you would be happier, healthier and more fulfilled if you simply gave up your paid employment and concentrated on your children's needs and your own physical and emotional well-being?

He isn't the only one with a right to fulfilment and well-being.

OP, I 'get' how you are feeling. My Ex wanted to change from his 8-5 job to one that involved split shifts, never being here to help over dinner time and bedtime, leaving me to try to cope with it all, despite the fact that I'm disabled, and so are two of our 4 DC's.

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I felt that he cared more about his 'happiness' than the practical aspects of family life. I felt that he was 'checking out' of the family, leaving me to do all the 'grunt work' involved in family life.

I had no family help, no help from Social Services, HomeStart only help you if you have a DC under 5yo.

All I can say is that in the end, I felt that if he cared more about his work than his family, and I had to do all the grunt work anyway, then why add resentment on top. I resented him in the end for checking Pitt of OUR family. Yes, in an average family, shifts like this are bearable - but in a family where one parent is disabled AND one or more of the children are disabled, it's another kettle of fish entirely.

Loving someone who is disabled and having a child with a disability requires a lot of sacrifices.

The OP is struggling to cope physically with working. To have no help when she gets home is likely to result in, long term, her health deteriorating further and being unable to work.

This was NOT his only job offer. He has prioritised the job that would give him work satisfaction, despite the fact that there was a job offered that would have brought in more money (thus relieving the pressure off the OP who is disabled to keep earning at all costs), and had hours that fit in better with HIS family life.

I don't think the OP is selfish - I think her partner is. It doesn't matter that the amount of hours worked are the same - it matters that the time spent helping his disabled partner with the things she needs help with has reduced.

Help is only help if it is given with what the person NEEDING the help needs help with IYSWIM.

The OP needs help with the post 5pm things that have to be done in her family. If he is helping by doing other things, but NOT what the OP ACTUALLY needs help with, then in fact he isn't helping the OP at all.

He is doing stuff to ease his conscience at NOT giving the OP the help she actually needs, rather than taking the job that means that he IS present in the house to provide the help the OP needs.

To be very honest speaking as the wife of an ambulance technician (same job only in Scotland) it is bloody hard work. My DH has been a techncian 5 years and does not have a permanant shift so we can never organise anything - even when they tell him what he's working they change it at the last minute - hopefully your DHs station will be more orgainised. The days when he does 12/14 hours shifts are very hard on everyone - My DCs are 8 and 12 now so it is getting easier as they do a lot themselves but i still have to be there and all the ferrying around to clubs, appointments and friends. Some weeks the youngest might not see his dad for about 4 days depending on his shifts and he hates that. In the next 8 weeks he's only scheduled one weekend off but that can change at the last minute.

On the plus side he is there a lot during the week and does all the morning before school organising and he is there a lot during school holidays which is a bonus as i work monday - friday.

He loves his job and is good at it but its not great money for the amount of hours, responsibility and hassle he has and some of the idiots he has to deal with. He is happy and most of the time so are we but its not easy and i don't blame you for being upset.

I honestly don't know if i'd known before he statrted what we were in for i would have been as happy for him to change jobs but he has and he loves it and we all just need to get on with it - he's lucky he's in such a stable job i suppose.

I really feel for you.

Our situation not that long ago was that we worked equally. My DP would work early mornings, and I would work evenings. It was a miserable existence as we never saw each other. We then changed it and split the week, and that was far more tolerable. I had my DD2 4 months ago, and have now made it so I go back to work and he looks after the children, which works best for us. I think you have to try and see this as a temporary thing, as situations change so easily. We had those 3 changes in under 2 years. You have to find ways of making it work.

Like another poster said, the NHS are a good employer. They tend to give incentive to stay where you are and work hard. The pay was also pretty reasonable when I worked at my local hospital (and that was just cleaning). Try not to see this in a negative way, try to find the positives. If it doesn't work out, I am sure you will find a way around it.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

I think you are both being reasonable butt that's not much help I know! All I can say is that bedtimes will get easier as child gets older. I think he should take the job & see how things pan out.

Yabu

I think he will be very resentful if he feels he has to take the other job.

I work shifts in the nhs and feel there are pros and cons re family life. It's certainly not all doom and gloom.

Maybe, as a compromise, would he consider public service voluntary work in addition to the better paid 9 to 5 job ? That way, finances wouldn't be such a strain, and he'd be about to help with the routine daily tasks you find a significant strain. I'm thinking, for example, of him joining the St John's Ambulance, whose services (based on a relative who's a member) are usually called upon for weekend events - and not every weekend. Not sure if a minimum no. of hours would be expected from him or not ? Alternatively, he could apply to be a special police officer. Again, based on what I know from a relative who was a special, the minimum no. of hours they like you to do is 16 a month ... but, in their experience, you could more or less - with a bit of notice - choose your own hours as they were just grateful to have the extra help. That sort of voluntary work would obviously do his CV no harm and could fulfill his desire to help others without impacting adversely on the family.