To wish DH wanted to care for us not the general public

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

I am disabled. Am registered blind, my back is bad and my hands aren't working too well. We have one dd who is partially sighted and has ASD.

Dh used to be a manager. He worked long hours but the money was good. He was made redundant twice in quick succession and it triggered what I can only describe as a midlife crisis. Next month he starts his new dream job as an emergency care assistant (paramedics side kick) he will be away lots in the evenings and weekends. I work 9-5 in the week. The money is bad and I earn a lowish wage (combined salaries are less than his old one) I have very little independence here and am going to be reliant on family (who offer to help and then throw it in my face if I don't do exactly as they approve

AIBU to want DH to do a 9-5 job which doesn't fulfil his need to have a job with meaning in order to give dd and I a better quality of life?

Or am I being greedy and selfish??

What would it be like for you now if he had never lost the first job with long hours? Do you think you would have coped with that, or asked him to change his job because of the hours?

Outrageged I was coping fine with the long but regular hours. but I really wish he had been happier.

catsmother thats what got us into this mess. first of all he became a comunity first responder, then he added St Johns.... he would take on the extra duties around our regular commitments. but it wasn't enough for him. He wanted to do it as a career. I feel stupid because I suggested those things to halp him feel like he was doing something meaningful with his life. (before that he was obsessed with joining the police force!)

to all those who say IABU i know he should be able to chose how he lives his life (and he is doing just that) I know HE will be happier this way.

my biggest issue is the unpredictability of the shifts. I was expecting something like my policewoman friend did. 2 morning, 2 afters 2 evenings 4 off... I have seen a SAMPLE shift pattern and its completely random!!! There are weeks which are as and when shifts that he will have very little notice of. he starts in less than 2 weeks and I have no idea what his actual shifts will be. He doesn't want to be brandd as a trouble maker before he starts at the station but it is ridiculous! Ferom the sample shift pattern It looks like 3/4 of his shifts will be afters or nights (meaning I wont see him) and he will be gone between 4-6 weekends out of 8.

Its little things like dd has a dancing show in October. I don't know if she will be able to go to either the show or rehersals because I can't get her there without spending a fortune in taxis!

curlycat Now imagine if you couldn't drive...... I see no option but dd having to give up her activities as I cannot ferry her around and whilst I can rope in other parents or family on the odd occasion I cannot do this regularly. She has ASD and pysical disabilities. I've spent years building up activites that she can participate in, that help her socially and that give her ways of spending her time. (she cannot play imaginatively like other children do and looks to be entertained or wants to watch a screen) She manages with no support in school as we have done so much early intervention. This is what upsets me the most that all our hard work will go down the pan and that dd will suffer because her dad wants to help everyone but us.

CouthyMow it sounds like you have been where I am. And I note that you say EX I do wonder if thats where we are heading. :(

You don't get to choose what you do with your life without taking into account the other committments in it.
Has he even considered the impact on your budget and day-to-day living that his new career choice will have? Let alone the physical, emotional and practical issues?
Has he made any contribution to a discussion about how things are going to be?

I don't think you're being in the least bit U, OP.

Oh dear ... I thought I was making a helpful suggestion. I didn't realise you'd been there, done that, already and that that taster led to the situation you find yourself in now.

I'm afraid I feel, based on all you've said, that he is being selfish. It's not as if this job is the ONLY job he can find - obviously, that would place a different slant on things as needs must etc. However, because he does have other options, he needs to weigh up his desire for personal fulfilment against the needs of the family as a whole and IMO when you're a parent your own wants and wishes take a back seat IF pursuing them is to the detriment of your children. Sometimes, as I'm sure most of us know only too well it isn't possible to "have it all" and something has to give. Your first responsibility surely is to earn as much money as you can and need (if possible) to have a relatively secure and comfortable life and if taking a lesser paid job means you plunge the family into financial difficulty then that's selfish. I know what it's like to have a crap job - I'm sure many of us do - but sometimes you just literally have to suck that up because there is no alternative that wouldn't place you in debt. A parent's second responsibility is to try and avoid work that impacts negatively upon the family. Yes - often that can't be helped and people end up in godamn awful situations (like opposite shifts) because it's the only way they can make ends meet ... but that's not the scenario facing the OP's husband, and yet he's still chosen a path that will impact not only upon his wife's health but also his daughter's activities - which sound as if they are not "only" nice to haves, but contribute significantly towards her self confidence, her integration and independence.

I would want to know how he justifies creating a situation where his daughter's well being and development is potentially jeopardised ? I'd want to hear what his solutions to that are if he takes this new job ? Clearly the OP can't drive. However frustrated I felt - and believe me, I feel frustrated most days in my own job - I just can't ever imagine, unless I absolutely had no other option, dumping on my child like that so I had a more enjoyable job. And that's before you consider the extra pressure and strain he's dumped on his wife. I don't see how that can be anything other than selfish - especially when he's already been doing voluntary work with the blessing of the OP - so it wasn't as if she demanded he never went out without her or never did his "own thing".

I guess, in all fairness, as he hasn't actually started the new job yet then you can't predict with 100% accuracy how it's going to pan out shift wise .... but it doesn't sound promising does it and the potential for a lot of disruption and disappointment (for OP and DD) is certainly there. If he won't listen to reason and refuses to accept that responsibility (as a parent and as a partner) outweighs personal fulfilment if a choice has to be made between the two then I doubt he'd agree to an ultimatum or a trial run - e.g. he tries out for 3 months, and if, at the end of that period, it's clear OP and daughter are suffering disproportionately, he then looks to leave. Even doing that though there's obviously no guarantee there'll be another job then for him to snap up so potentially he could be "stuck" for an indefinite period in a job that has significant repercussions for his family.

I'm so sorry OP I really do think he's being very selfish and hurtful, and, it'd seem, completely dismissive of your valid needs. I'm not so sure how your needs can be compromised upon whereas his "need" for fulfilment could have been met in part at least by him continuing to do voluntary work. I don't know what you can say to him because he seems so blinkered about this. Makes my blood boil on your behalf. In an ideal world, we'd all be fit and well, have no need for any extra help, all have wonderful jobs and lots of money, but back in the real world, the vast majority of us have to make personal sacrifices when we decide to enter into a serious relationship - and even more so when we have children - if we find that financially and logistically doing what we want isn't what's best for the family overall . Why does he think he's somehow immune from that responsibility ?

He can hardly claim that it is worthy of him to do a job helping people and making a difference to the lives of other people if as a result he is not able to give his family the help they need and the difference it will make to their lives will be a negative one.

There is nothing noble about helping strangers if it means your family suffers.

It's not really about helping strangers though, it just so happens that that is part of the job he wants to do, but it's irrelevant. A big part of the type of job he wants is the sense of team work and the personal sense of fulfilment. It's not selfish for him to want that in his life.

If he took this job would he be prepared to give up doing St Johns and the other things? maybe that could be part of the compromise? He gets to do his dream job, but the hobbies have to come after the family?

I think there is only so much he can be asked to sacrifice. I think you probably could find a way to enable your dd to still do her dancing. She might not be able to do quite as many activities, but she could still do some of it.

You have to think of your whole family, not just the two of you that are dependant. Everyone in your family has individual needs of their own. I know you have recognised that by suggesting he do St Johns etc, but now you are seeing that as something that has caused a problem.

Obviously he has a responsibilty to you and your dd, but you have a responsibilty to him and your dd too, and his responsibility doesn't include sacrificing what he wants out of life completely.

You say you worry that you might be heading for a split, but don't you think that would be more likely if he was unhappy for so much of the time?

I think my problem is that I HAVE sacrificed my life for dd. I know thats unhealthy but I didn't have a choice, I had to leave the job and city that I loved to move closer to my family for support (this was DH's idea) I had to give up all my hobbies as it is too physically demanding to care for dd to keep them up. I have almost no social life as i can't get out. (caused in part by moving away from a big city to the arse end of nowhere!) I know I need a life outside of caring for dd and dh has aknowleged this but the pressure of working around an erratic shift pattern is only going to make it worse and I will have to rely on outside help just to get by.

But bringing up dd is the most important thing in my life. And I feel that dh doesn't put her first in the same way I do. but they way I see it we brought her into the world and we should do everythinhg we can to give her the best start in life.

To clarify, Dh started the job in August but has a lengthly training period before he starts the shifts whatever they may be. so the decision is well and truely made I just really wanted to know if it was reasonable to feel the way I do about it or whether I was being unfair to him. The opinion is mixed, but there are enough people who can see why I'm upset about his choice to reassure me that I'm not being entirely unreasonable.

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm sorry sweetheart but life is full of compromises it sounds like hes compromised a lot for you already

"We had dd because I wanted children. He thought being a father would grow on him"

This makes it sound like he didn't want your DD but he knew you did so compromised his happiness to make you happy. You also say you were healthy when you met and have gotten worse over time so he hasn't really expected that either. It doesn't honestly sound like either of you are happy to me and either one of you sacrificing more for the other isn't going to fix the growing resentment between you.

I'm sorry I just don't see this having a happy resolution.

Goodness me, I certainly don't see that he's compromised his happiness Queen. He has a beautiful daughter and I'm sure he wouldn't turn the clock back on that. OP has provided most of the care and given up an awful lot. It's not as though she chose to be ill in the same way he has chosen to take a low paid job which makes his involvement in domestic life less reliable.

No OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable feeling the way you do.

I do however agree with you Queen when you say you can't see a happy resolution. With less money coming in and the burden of domesticity firmly on OP's shoulders, it's almost certainly a compromise too far.

You know what? I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but the difference is that this change only has negative results for you, no benefits that I can see.

Have you asked him what he suggests doing to allow your daughter to continue to get to her activities and to be properly cared for?

My DDs would have loved their dad to be a paramedic, because the on they knew was always going on school trips and doing the school run.

I did explain that was because he worked weekends and late nights, but they still thought it was most unfair that their dad wasn't around in the week.

If you work 9-5 you clearly aren't going to feel this way, but I think you need to give it a try.

My Dad spent years in a job he hated to make ends meet, most men and many women do. I think your DH needs one chance at a change.

YANBU or selfish.

Yours is not a normal family life or set up. He wants an enormous kick up the arse, quite frankly.

All I would say, as the (albeit part-time working myselfwife of a shift worker, it's been much better than I thought it might be.

DH is home lots during the week. The DC are in childcare less. He gets tons of good quality time with them (as do I) on a one-to-one basis. I get time to myself (although he doesn't get much). He's happier and easier to live with since doing a job he enjoys and he's looking ahead in his career now, which I encourage totally.

The main downsides are that when he works I haven't got a car, and he can be irritable due to being tired. Irritable is preferable to depressed and unfulfilled though, IME at least.

I feel very positive about it though. But then I am pretty fulfilled by my job and the small amount of exercise and socialising I do. Maybe you need to try and focus on what you can do for you more than what he can do for you? I appreciate that your disability might make this hard in some ways but it's just a different perspective.

To those that think he's given up a lot because of his wife and daughter's disablements - did he promise 'In sickness and in health...' or not?
That line's there for a reason.

He's opting out of his responsibilities and it's not fair.

" did he promise 'In sickness and in health...' or not?"

Not if they were married in a registry office.

My DH works anti social, irregular hours too. Sometimes it's hard, but an upside is that he is around in the mornings and for the occasional school pick up during the week. During the holidays it can be nice to have the odd day off during the week too. It might work...

I can't help but wonder how this would have gone if the OP had been male.

Yes, I was just thinking that too.

I've only worked on wards, not ambulance station, but I think as time goes on he will have more say in his shifts. We used to have a diary where we could pick our days off to some extent. So for instance, he could request a certain shift on a certain day once a week. Not for every shift, but if someone had a commitment they wouldn't mind them doing this once a week. If they are long shifts e.g. 12 hour, it means that you get more than two days off a week usually. I found i had a lot more free time on these types of shifts - simply because there was less travelling and getting ready for work. For something like a birthday, I'd just take a day's annual leave.

Although it is disruptive not knowing when you're working - in that it's difficult to plan if you do have to potentially be available 24 hour a day and only find out 2-3 weeks beforehand.

You might find the salary is bumped up by overtime as well. I'm not sure if they still do unsociable hours payments either but they can be lucrative if they do.

The other thing is that he might get very good holidays which increase with length of service. I think I had 7 weeks holiday when I left. There is also the pension to think about.

If it were me, I'd give it a try if it's his dream. If it's horrendous, no doubt he'll see this and it will be easier to convince him that you're not coping as a family.

But he is still caring and providing for his family OP. You say you gave up your life to care for your daughter, but I can't really see how he is being remiss in any way. True, you could exert total control over the man and have him do exactly what you want, down to his choice of career, but how do you think that would be for him? You say you were fine when he worked long (regular) hours and earned well, but he obviously enjoys caring for people and the ambulance service, despite the irregular hours, is a good career.

I think you should be grateful for having such a man in your life.

I do hope it works out better than you are expecting OP. I think people do need to try to follow their dreams.

All of you that think this is okay - do you not decide jointly how your family will work?
Would it be okay with you if your partner decided to take a lower-paid job that would have a signficant impact on your family life, with no discussion? (Or the reverse, if that's what you wanted to do?)

The worst of it is that Adult Social Care and other Charities and services were totally disinterested while I was in a relationship with him, as he was MEANT to support me and the DC's, as far as they were concerned. Regardless of whether he actually WAS while he was doing these split shifts.

In fact, he did nothing. NOTHING. He got in from work, did NO housework, NO childcare, NO cooking, stopped even picking his own clothes up and leaving mess behind him wherever he went.

The minute he walked out (He couldn't deal with my 'neediness' and 'nagging' any more...), all these outside Agencies have slowly started to become involved and helping me.

The straight fact of it is that the OP will get VERY little help from outside agencies while she is in a relationship with someone, as the way they see it is that there is a fit, able adult to support the OP, and they only have the funds to support those that DON'T have anyone fit and able to provide it.

I can't get over the fact that he is prioritising HIS happiness and well being over that of his DD's. I know only too well how important these activities are for a DC with Autism and physical difficulties. To take a job that means she will have to stop those activities, which could undo all the good work the OP has done so far, is verging on cruel, and IS selfish behaviour on the part of her 'D'H.

I have to say, it is less stressful being a Lone Parent supported by Charities than it was being part of a couple that was being left totally unsupported because the person who should have provided that support basically 'checked out'.

I feel for you, OP. You are in a no win situation - your 'D'H takes the job, your DD and you suffer, you feel resentful. Your 'D'H doesn't take the job, HE feels resentful.

Will he listen calmly and without being dismissive to your concerns about the effects on your DD, and how HE proposes to solve the transport issue? It should be HIS responsibility to arrange alternative transport to your DD's activities, as he made that commitment FIRST, before committing to this job. Your DD shpuldn't have to miss out because he is not honouring his pre-existing commitments to drive her to these activities, so what is HE going to do to ensure that that prior commitment to his DD's well being is honoured?

That's how I would approach it, with each of your issues - due to both your disabilities, AND those of your DD, he has pre-existing commitments to ensure that you have help every evening, and that your DD continues with her activities. As HE will no longer be able to personally honour those pre-existing commitments, how is HE going to ensure that those commitments are still met?

Is he going to make sure your DD has reliable lifts to her activities? Is he going to cook dinners and freeze them to take the strain off you? Is he going to do more around the house and prepare things so that you are able to spend the evening with your DD, who needs you? How is HE going to ensure his pre-existing commitments are met?

Speaking personally, Nanny, we spent years with my career being the priority. It's DH's turn now. I'm fine with this because the important thing is that we're all happy, not the majority. The effect on family life is undeniable, but it's not entirely negative - there are great benefits!

I feel that while the OP has some totally valid concerns she is also taking a very negative stance about it all. Perhaps if she was more open to the idea she might feel better about it or realise that there could be up sides.

To be blunt, provided the budget can accommodate it then in our household we do what makes us happy. It doesn't sound like her DH's happiness features on the OP's mind at all. Which in itself isn't great.