To wish DH wanted to care for us not the general public

[Lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

I am disabled. Am registered blind, my back is bad and my hands aren't working too well. We have one dd who is partially sighted and has ASD.

Dh used to be a manager. He worked long hours but the money was good. He was made redundant twice in quick succession and it triggered what I can only describe as a midlife crisis. Next month he starts his new dream job as an emergency care assistant (paramedics side kick) he will be away lots in the evenings and weekends. I work 9-5 in the week. The money is bad and I earn a lowish wage (combined salaries are less than his old one) I have very little independence here and am going to be reliant on family (who offer to help and then throw it in my face if I don't do exactly as they approve

AIBU to want DH to do a 9-5 job which doesn't fulfil his need to have a job with meaning in order to give dd and I a better quality of life?

Or am I being greedy and selfish??

Whether it was reasonable of him or not, it sounds as though it's now a done deal.

However- it's not solely your responsibility to do household chores. It's not solely your responsibility to take DD to activities. It's not even solely your responsibility to organsie who takes Dd to her activities.

You both work. That means that you share the family and household responsibilities. He's working evenings and weekends- fine , that means you'll have more childcare to pick up (assuming DD is school age?), but he'll have weekdays off in which to take on the household chores, cook etc.

He doesn't get to chase his dream job AND opt out of family life.

Clutching at straws here giving how this government is cutting the allowances of people with disabilities, but do you receive any kind of funding related to your/ DD disabilities that could fund help for an hour or two each evening?

Couthy said it better as usual!

Your DH has ensure that his existing responsibilities are met. You shouldn't have to pick up the pieces because he's moved the goalposts.

Won't he get several days off together if he works shifts, eg 3 days on 3 off or 4 on 3off or whatever so sit him down and list what you feel he must do on those days off to keep the house ticking over. He could prepare meals/ take and pick up from school / food shop / always do baths homework on these days. Whatever will help keep the house running.

I think I need to start by handing over complete control of the childcare organisation to him. It won't be easy as my mum, my friend and a CM are involved and they are used to sorting everything with me (and i feel better when i'm in control) but I think it will take a great deal of anxiety away from me and make dh take a little responsibility for some of the problems that his shifts are causing.

I have his shift pattern now but it's not that helpful as there are several "bank" weeks at the beginning when he works whenever they feel like with little to no notice apparently. We will have a couple of weeks like this every 2 months.

I've already told him he needs to be tidier as he trashes the house whenever he's home alone. If he can't sort that then I really can't live with him on shifts. I would like to give him another regular responsibility. I was thinking about the laundry as that doesn't have to be done at specific times. The only problem is he has ruined lots of my favourite clothes in the past

Then we just have the problem of the grocery shopping and dd's activities to cover...

Good idea Lola - you're working full time and he has to pull his weight at home and "in the community".

And don't whatever you do give in and do the work allocated to him when it isn't done.

Well I asked him to take responsibility for arranging child care and that when he was around in the week we would expect him to pitch in with child care (rather than hide at his computer and leave it all to my mum.) particularly as my poor mum will be expected to help out 7 days a week rather than 5 now!

To say he is not keen is an understatement. But he says he accepts that if he is expecting me to make big changes to accommodate his shifts he must be willing to make some changes...

I'll leave telling him he's doing the lauder for another day

Oh dear Lola that sounds ominous! Well, he wanted this change, he's just got to get to grips with it.

On the days when he's there he should be doing the childcare anyway. Perhaps your mum should "decide" she doesn't need to do the days when he's around - why should she anyway?

If he wants to "make a difference to people's lives" he can start by pulling his weight as a father. On days when he's at home and you're working, he should be doing the childcare and whatever domestic work needs to be done. That's what you'd do when he isn't around, despite working full time.

If you weren't working then obviously you would be able to facilitate his "new career" as well as your daughter. However, since you now have to work to make ends meet, then he has to pull his weight.

You need to make it plain to him that you will NOT expect your mum to do the childcare when he is not at work.

And the fact that he leaves a mess trailing behind him already makes my heart sink, as I found it only got worse once he was 'tired' after work, or he had had a bad day, or been busy, or 'deserved a break for working so hard' which then turned to 'stop nagging', 'I'll do it later' and then 'shut up' and 'fuck off'.

I hope it's not the case for you, because my ex had the same response yours has, before he actually started the job, but he was all guff and no blow IYSWIM. He let me down repeatedly, I had to pick up the pieces, and work myself into the ground doing things that I couldn't really physically manage, and when I pointed it out to him, or even asked him to sort out a mess he had created by not sticking to his word (again), I would get a mouthful of abuse.

I REALLY hope it is different for you.

I am just concerned because your 'D'H is making exactly the same 'noises' as mine did...

Olgaga - That actually isn't true, about a SAHM being able to 'facilitate' their partner's new career, if both the SAHM and one of the DC's has a disability.

It just ISN'T the sane as being a non disabled mum with non disabled DC, OR the same as being a disabled mum with non disabled DC, OR being a non disabled mum with disabled DC.

You can't imagine how much MORE difficult it is to be a disabled mum WITH a disabled DC.

It is a whole new level IME. I had 2 disabled DC BEFORE I became disabled. And fuck me is it a billion times harder now that I an also disabled.

It's not comparable, I'm afraid, having been in both situations.

Olgaga - I was a SAHM for 2 years after we moved. I needed much more support.(I couldn't take dd out in her own for years, I couldn't clean my own house, I never went out apart from the 100's of hospital appointments for dd and going from a successful career women to a failure of a mother had me on ADs. I was dependent on my mum, which she (in a well meaning way) used to control me and stop me doing things that she doesn't approve of. (like going shopping!) by withholding babysitting/transport. it took a long time to find work that I could do whilst still caring for dd. I manage far better working and paying someone else to clean, taxi me about and to do the school run etc, and I have 4h of quality time with dd each day now which I can honestly say I didn't have as a SAHM. I realised how to play to my strengths and I was doing OK. I'm actually incredibly glad I'm not a SAHM now, as even though I would see more of dh I would be as dependent if not more on him and my family as I wouldn't have any money to buy what little independence I have.

Well Lola I think you deserve a bloody medal. Do you know what's sad about this thread? The kind of experiences you and Couthy are talking about are all too familiar. You read exactly the same stories time and time again here on MN. Yet some people are prepared to defend your DH's actions with comments like I think you should be grateful for having such a man in your life and I think you are being selfish in thinking your needs matter more than your dh's needs.

As he is determined, all you can do now Lola is wait and see how it goes. Give it a time-limited trial, and make sure he knows that.

Dh has had a very hard few years and is in a full blown middlife crisis I think. He has a lot more responsiblilty at home than he should (and would be normal for a husband and father) as he is our primary carer. He also doesn't get much free time and even less free money (although way more of both than I do!) We always want to know where he is and when he is coming back to do x y z etc.... (Because we NEED help, every day, several times a day with various things) I can see this is hard for him. its relentless. and every day can become a bit like groundhog day as we have lots of routines. For dh the perfect day would to sleep until the afternoon and then potter round (without having to shower or get dressed) watch TV with the sound up so loud it shakes the house. eat a ready meal/huge slab of meat, Play video games and stay up half the night. I can't blame him for wishing his life was like this occasionally (and can see how shift work will give him chance to do this) and I don't think its unfair of me to expect him to never have time like that. But I can't, for example, do the shopping without help or get dd to activities, and I don't see why that help should have to come from my extended family when he is part of our imediate family.

Its not a question of him being completely selfish or me being completely selfish I think. In an ideal world we would both want the same thing all the time but sadly as the years go by we want more and more to do things differently. I like to live in the city. he likes to live in the country (but by doing this I'm less independant) I like to go out, he likes to stay in (and resents me constantly getting him out of the house because I need help to get around)

I also think its easier for me to give up things for DD as some of her disabilities are inherited from me, so I know how it feels and want her to have an easier childhood than I had. DH didn't meet me untll I'd worked out stratergies to manage idependently and we met and lived in a large city with good amenities and transport (but terrible schools and primary school kids packing knives!) so he never saw some of my problems until we had dd and fled for the hills.

I'm trying to be more independent. I only accepted a lift to the hospital yesterday and did the 2h trek back on public transport. (25mins by car) Dd was very confused that nobody was helping us so i need to do this more to establish her sense of independence. But to do both ways would mean dd missing a whole day of school for a couple of hours at the hospital so its just not practical to be independant sometimes. (and she has to go once a month at the moment)