to think the phrase 'you'll never wish you spent more time in the office on your deathbed' is a load of old BS?

[cheddarcheeselover]

I love my job. I also love my family, but I often hear this phrase used and it really annoys me.
It's always said as though it is an absolute truth but if I missed out on great opportunities at work because I wasn't there enough then I think I would regret it. Not every minute of being with my family is the most precious moment, sometimes it's rubbish and boring!

yes of course it comes from somewhere, but in my experience its not people on their death beds! people who aren't dying can start phrases about dying too!

and as I posted earlier, my mum (not dying but retired) wishes she hadn't worked so hard but only because she worked in a job she didn't like instead of the one she always wanted to do

IMO its usually more to do with disatisfaction with WHAT you spent your hours at work doing rather than disatisfaction with the fact they were working in general, same amt of hours in a job they wanted to be in would be different, it not about having more hours off I think!

I've often thought this.

It's just the way it's expressed - I'm sure plenty of people regret that they achieved little in their professional life.

It's not the time in the office (if you even work in an office) that matters, it's what you do there.

You might as well argue that nobody ever regrets not changing more stinky nappies to support the idea that people should spend more time working.

I actually wish I'd spent more time in the office- instead of wasting my time in shite relationships when it's my work I'm actually good at.

My mum was a teacher and when she died- far too young- we got loads and loads of letters from parents and past pupils telling us what a difference she had made to their lives. I have kept them all as they were so moving. And a lot were kids she had never even mentioned at home- because for her, doing that extra bit was just second nature.

Yanbu, OP, I agree. I think it is a silly platitude.

That's lovely Mardy, and reminded me of when my dad died (he wasn't particularly old), it was so comforting that he had had such a full life and people from his working life came to the funeral and said such moving things - the relationships with the people he worked with were real human relationships and as important and significant as outside work human interractions!

I love my job, but I have actually used that phrase myself even though I don't really agree with it - I feel pretty much like cheddar, although I will probably retire at some point...

However I use the phrase in the sense of justifying taking an extra day's holiday, or a slightly longer lunch with a friend, or a morning off to watch my DDs school play - more as a way of assuaging or appeasing any residual guilt I felt about not being in the office, even though I love my job IYSWIM.

some he'd worked with before I was born and travelled miles to be at the funeral

I think it's probably a rather crass way of saying make sure you have your priorities right. Of course, the order of priorities are going to be different for everyone: it is all so personal. Some people, like you, love your work. And that's great Some people don't, but they get bogged down with it, and can sometimes lose sight of what really matters to them. Those are most probably exactly the people to whom the phrase is aimed at.

I think if you can lie on your deathbed and truly believe you wouldn't have done anything differently, then you have probably led a blessed life.

OP, do people really say this to you a lot?

Anyone who would carry on working after winning a life changing sum on the lottery needs to seriously get a life.
I would give up work right this minute if I could, so would DH, there are so many things we want to do and see, you can't assume you will have the health or the funds in retirement either.
The thought of having to work for the next 14 years is horrific, thankfully DH gets a decent military pension at 60 so we won't have to work until 67+ like most people of our age.

But malificence it sounds to me like it's you who hasn't got a life and are just waiting to retire so you can get one.

Better to seize the day and enjoy love your work as part of your wonderful life, than see it as an intrusion.

For the last 20 years of my life I have worked with dying people and often spent long periods of time reflecting on their lives.

I would most definitely say the saying is true. In all that time I have NEVER discussed someone's career at any length. People seem to instinctively focus on what is important when facing death and for almost everyone, in my experience, it is human relationships.

But if you have a job that you love you would carry on working, I dom't think that means you need to "get a life"

I think it is a banal statement most often used to denigrate other people's choices. I've absolutely no problem with the idea that some people work only to live and therefore for them time out of work is what matters. Other people may feel that the time they spend nurturing their children is incredibly special and that's great for them too. What I don't like is for them to feel the need to say that my choices are wrong, and this one is a sort of emotional blackmail IMO.

For me it's all about balance, plus I really hope that what I do in my working life helps other people, and in some small way changes the world. I hope on my deathbed to be able to reflect on that (should I want to that is).

My father was recently diagnosed as having terminal cancer. He has had a huge amount of support from the many people he worked with professionally over a long and successful career from which he finally retired at 75 (by choice, financially he could have retired 15/20 years ago). He has done some fascinating things, and I am very proud of him. He was also lucky enough to have been able to do many other things, but it is his professional history he has decided he wants to write about now (he got quite cross with my mother for adding our births to his timeline ).

I had a (minor) cancer scare the other year- shortly after a friend of mine died from cancer.

And the one thing that hit me totally unexpectedly was an immense regret and a feeling of guilt about the work I would have left undone if this did turn out to be the real thing (which it wasn't). I felt as if someone had entrusted me with something precious and I had carelessly gone and dropped it down the drain cover.

I had a colleague whose deathbed was poisoned by thoughts of how he had not done the work he was meant to do. He didn't regret not having spent time with his family, because there were no reasons for regret there; he had been a devoted husband and father, and he knew it. But there was one other duty he felt he had had in life and that he felt he had neglected.

I'm publishing that book now!

And I don't suppose I will ever retire unless I get senile and unable to write. I still kept working for many years as an unpaid SAHM.

I seriously can't imagine sky-diving in Patagonia would feel anything as exciting or meaningful to me as that feeling you get when you are writing something that you know is good and will last.

People are all different. Some get their deepest satisfaction from creating: if you are that kind of person lying on a beach in Bali just won't do the same thing for you.

I think the people who say things like this or that other platitude
'I work to live, not live to work,' need to get a new job. A new mission in life.

I was faced with the very real prospect of death a few years ago, for a short but horrible time. My feelings were really complicated and I don't think a trite phrase like the one in the OP really captures it. For me, the prospect that things might be entirely over once and for all pretty soon made me very honest with myself. It made me realise that a lot of what I had done in my life up to that point had been about living up to others' expectations and doing what I felt was "right" rather than what I actually wanted to do. The idea that I might die without doing what I truly wanted to do (because I'd assumed I had a lot more time) scared the living shit out of me. I realised I had been complicating things for myself totally unnecessarily by trying to be perfect. I'm not perfect, but who gives a shit? One day I'm going to be feeding bacteria in my grave, and that silly thing I said, or that money I lost, isn't going to mean anything. No one is going to care.

In a nutshell things became less important rather than more important. Stuff that once worried me now don't even figure on my radar, I just can't get worked up about it. Things will go wrong, and things will change. I might as well just enjoy what I can.

If you are pushing yourself through a job just for money, I think you will regret it on your death bed. Because you are easily replaced in a job, when you are not at all replaceable as a partner or mother and the idea that you've given more of yourself to someone who just doesn't care, while people who love you lost out, is extremely galling. However, I do think if you have a job that you get a true sense of satisfaction from, that isn't entirely about the money, you won't regret it, because the years are short but the days are long, and if you can spend your days doing something that makes you smile you are lucky, and it will improve your life.

Essentially I think what people will regret is not letting themselves be. Not leaving their poor selves alone to just have a good time. They'll regret poking at their harassed selves, telling them that they're not good enough, not doing enough. When you're dying you realise just how fab your much-maligned self was, and how little you valued him/her. That ugly, no-good person in the mirror suddenly becomes an angel who gave you access to wonders and you feel very sad you weren't kinder to him/her.

Be nice to yourself while you can, you won't be around forever.

CailinDana - Did you ever read this article? It's a list of top five 'regrets of the dying', recorded by a pallative nurse who looked after people in the last months of their lifes. A lot of those are similar to what your describe in your post, about wishing you have lived life more on your own terms:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

This is the top 5:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

1. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

1. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

1. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I've read that article Ciske, it did strike a chord with me. If there's anything I took away from my experience, it was that it really is worth spending time trying to get to know yourself, trying to get rid of any bad feelings you have towards yourself, and just being friendly with yourself. It sounds self-centred, but the prospect of dying is a really lonely experience and you realise that you are the only one who can really look after yourself, and make yourself happy. Not that you should become a self-centred git who doesn't care about others, more that while it's good to be kind and nice to others, it's important that you first and foremost extend that courtesy to yourself because on your deathbed you might think about how others treated you but the person you'll most feel angry at for bad treatment is yourself.

cailin I am going to nick somehting you just said, write it down and keep it in my purse.

The years are short, but the days are long.

I think the phrase is completely reasonable and accurate. The system is all wrong. We have not enough jobs for people, rich people, poor people. I wish everyone could work part time. My partner quit a very well paid, life long job for the very reason that he didn't want to regret it on his death bed. We both work low paid part time jobs we don't hate, rent because we don't want to be tied down with the financial contract of a mortgage, and have a very fulfilled leisure/social life.

I think people who disagree with it, probably haven't experienced free time as they could do. They will realise this too late, when they retire or on their death bed, what they could have done. Then there's the minority like yourself who are creating for a living, which is fulfilling and doing something you enjoy. This is what everyone's job should be, something they are good at and are valued for. You are very lucky. How long have you been in the same job? Are you self employed? There's the potential for problems in any dream job though so enjoy it while you can and don't cut yourself off from a social life and family life that could be just as fulfilling if you were more adventurous. I honestly don't think you are using your time out of work effectively if you enjoy work more.

I work from home, my own businesses, I'd much prefer time with DH and DS than......emails!!!