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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not play with my child?

101 replies

Rubirosa · 17/09/2012 15:57

My 2 year old DS has always been an easygoing kind of child - as a baby I sometimes worried I was neglecting him as he was quite happy to sit in a bouncy chair or under a play gym for hours.

At the moment he is playing quite happily in the garden while I sit inside with my laptop and a cup of coffee. We quite often do this in the afternoons, or potter around inside, but I never really play with him. He likes cars, and dinosaurs or imaginary games involving repeatedly climbing in and out of a tent, and quite frankly I don't.

So AIBU not to play with him? Am I the only one and is everyone else busy crawling around being a tiger?

OP posts:

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies · 18/09/2012 13:54

We go out a lot, every day. Not to organised groups, but to the park, the beach, library etc. She loves TV , and I'd like her to watch less, so am limiting it, but as she's so rubbish at playing on her own I put it on when we need to have showers and get out of the house etc.

Ignoring an only child is difficult, I knew we should have had another!

Chandon · 18/09/2012 17:21

Condoleeze, I think it is called benign neglect.

And not being afraid of the kids getting bored, as boredom fuels creativity.

I think being entertained all the time kills resourcefulness.

Lavenderhoney · 19/09/2012 03:40

Condo, I say "it's mummy time now" such as after tea when I need to clear or I set a toy up and leave to it. Its normally 30 mins. They do need to know how to play alone at whatever they like , just not for hours!!!!

SaraBellumHertz · 19/09/2012 04:54

YANBU

DC4 never gets a look in because there is always/homework/reading ferrying to clubs for the older DC - she is perfectly happy.

issimma · 19/09/2012 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies · 19/09/2012 10:15

Thanks! Our house is tiny so it's hard to hide from her.

I'm another who enjoys getting out and about with DC, but the thought of crafts, with all the mess and not being able to do it my way (shudder).

MuddlingMackem · 19/09/2012 10:45

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies Our house is really small too, but when the kids were younger but had outgrown naps, I replaced the naps with 'quiet time', whereby they had to play in their own rooms for say an hour or so. We haven't really done this for the past year or so, but it does provide a useful break. Sometimes one of the kids would point out that they didn't need quiet time, to which I would retort, 'but I do, so scram!'.

You could introduce it, say for half an hour or so. Some people just don't like solitude and it may be that your daughter is one of them. Unfortunately if you're someone who does like their space then you'll just have to compromise. :)

FWIW, DS is very good at entertaining himself, DD not anywhere as good. I put it down to DS being the eldest and not having had a sibling around when he was younger. However, a friend's dc are the opposite, it's her youngest who is fine on his own and her eldest who is rubbish. So I guess it is just down to personality.

Sazzle41 · 19/09/2012 11:00

The reason my Sis has a 3inch scar on her forehead is due to being in the garden while my mother 'kept an eye on her' from the kitchen indoors when Sis was 20months ... she tripped on the (totally flat) patio. 18months-4yrs they can still be unsteady/easily unbalanced so I'd be sat in the garden w them or, inside right by the patio/back door tbh ..

'Creative play' with you now and again is all good for vocabulary and dexterity/motor skills, but doesn't have to be constant (ex primary school teacher here). Sometimes they just need to play for playings sake...

BsshBossh · 19/09/2012 11:16

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies, mine's an only child but doesn't seem to need me to play with her, meaning that I can actually read a book in her presence. She is a chatterbox and we talk alot but if I need to work/read/have some peace (I'm an introvert) I tell her so and she gets on with whatever she's doing. I've always been like that ever since she was a baby. But on the other hand I think it's her personality too as even as a baby she pottered contentedly for ages on her own. Both DH and I were like this too as children so it's also in her genes.

Chandon · 19/09/2012 11:16

Sazzle, but that could have also happened to your sis if your mum had sat nearby! You cannot hold their hand 24/7 until they are 4, sadly

Bue · 19/09/2012 11:18

I read something from a 'parenting expert' a few years ago that has stuck with me - that it's not a parent's job to play with their children, it's a parent's job to facilitate play for their children. Wiser words were never spoken!

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 19/09/2012 11:30

Sazzle, You cant stop kids falling over, even if you are there! Especially on a flat surface!!

BettyBum · 19/09/2012 11:40

I used to feel bad when DD was really little that I didn't like playing with her but over the years I have felt less and less guilty and now she is 5 and I have no concerns about her personality or anything. I like art and craft with her and reading, singing, puzzles etc and yesterday we played a game she got for her birthday which was fun but imaginative play I have always really struggled with. Stuff like happyland or her dolls house and things I find hard. But we have always done lots of other stuff together and have had quite busy days seeing friends, doing library or lunch and stuff so she has always been very stimulated. I agree with all the other posters, don't feel bad, sounds like you are doing fine!

Sazzle41 · 19/09/2012 12:52

Beyondthelimits - we all parent differently but I'd personally want to be nearer if there is concrete/paving around w. under 4's ... its the reason lots of playgrounds have put in play bark or that spongy black stuff ... If you can say w. hand on heart your garden is risk free then of course its your choice ...being an ex teacher, can safely say concrete and toddlers-5yrs is a bad mix ...

Original poster

Rubirosa · 19/09/2012 14:25

How would sitting near a toddler help if they tripped?

My garden isn't risk free at all - there are lots of things to climb on and hide behind. That's what makes it good for playing in.

OP posts:

Feminine · 19/09/2012 14:31

Only you know your garden op but I wouldn't let them just pootle about at that age...there are too many risks.

CockyPants · 19/09/2012 15:26

I didn't play with DD.
She says "you never play with me mummy," with a sad face.
I feel very guilty and wish I hadn't been so selfish.

NowThenWreck · 19/09/2012 15:48

Sure, sure "benign neglect" and all that.
But ds's little face lights up so much when I decide I am going to play with him, he looks so damn happy that it's well worth it.
A little goes a long way, and it's good to do it sometimes, even if it's just to enter their world for a little bit.
He won't always want me in his world, so I enjoy it while he does.

Crinkle77 · 19/09/2012 16:48

It's good that he is able to entertain himself. Some parents make a rod for their own back by playing with their children all the time then they are unable to entertain themselves. Maybe you could schedule a couple of activities together during the week that you do together.

ReallyTired · 19/09/2012 17:52

I think that its a matter of balance. Playing with your children improves their language and social skills. Children also enjoy copying and "helping" round the house. They enjoy having company even you aren't playing with them as such. Children benefit from just being talked to.

Children only learn so much by playing in isolation. Nursery is a great idea if you have neither the time nor the inclination to play with your child. There is nothing wrong with a little bit of pottering round the house or a small amount of TV. However if a child spends their life in front the TV their development will be stunted.

There is a happy medium between structuring your child's day with lots of educational activities and ignoring them while mummy plays on mumsnet.

Mrsjay · 20/09/2012 08:45

^And not being afraid of the kids getting bored, as boredom fuels creativity.

I think being entertained all the time kills resourcefulness^

SO do I , I don't think children toddlers especially need every minute of every waking our filled with activities, It is ok for them to be bored and doing nothing, or you may get a mum I'm bored what we doing today and you get . when you say nothing

Acinonyx · 20/09/2012 09:02

Condoleeza - yes, ignoring an only child is very hard! I can't imagine having a child that would go out into the garden, alone, to play.

Bonsoir · 20/09/2012 09:03

You don't need to play with your child yourself, but you must ensure he sees other children very regularly. Just pottering on his own day in day out is really bad for a child's development.

sheeplikessleep · 20/09/2012 09:17

I prefer the imaginative play to the playdoh, baking activities (that I leave up to nursery / childminder / their Dad, which I feel guilty about that I'm not 'making' things!).

I enjoy the den making, running around playing monsters, acting out scenes with cars, playing tea parties, power rangers, doctors etc.

But in all honesty, most of the time I'm too knackered / busy to join in .

Each to their own really. If you enjoy the crafty stuff, do that, if you enjoy the imaginative stuff, do that. As long as they're getting a mix of activities, alone (to develop initiative and imagination) and with others (to develop social skills and learn to share) from different people and in different environments, then it's all good isn't it?

My one 'rule' is to not let them sit in front of TV / games console for hours. I think everything else just slots into place.

milkteef · 20/09/2012 11:57

I am like this so YANBU. I do often feel guilty especially now DD1 is in reception so DD2 and I have all day together. Right now we're both ill with a cold so are watching CBeebies under a duvet, in our pj's with the dog on us.

I will bake with them, sing songs, read books, ask them questions, count with them etc but they like to play with toys alone. If they're happy playing alone, it's fine. DD2 likes to play with shoes. She's always in sight and I'll be MNing on my phone.

We do watch a lot of TV but it's a mix of films and cartoons and most of the time it's just on in the background wasting electricity while they play with each other using their imaginations.

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