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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not play with my child?

101 replies

Rubirosa · 17/09/2012 15:57

My 2 year old DS has always been an easygoing kind of child - as a baby I sometimes worried I was neglecting him as he was quite happy to sit in a bouncy chair or under a play gym for hours.

At the moment he is playing quite happily in the garden while I sit inside with my laptop and a cup of coffee. We quite often do this in the afternoons, or potter around inside, but I never really play with him. He likes cars, and dinosaurs or imaginary games involving repeatedly climbing in and out of a tent, and quite frankly I don't.

So AIBU not to play with him? Am I the only one and is everyone else busy crawling around being a tiger?

OP posts:

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 17/09/2012 17:40

I am sure your grandparents did play with their children!
Play is not the bloody awful (IMHO) oversupervised, over structured and over involved activity it is often made out to be.

Play is doing 'stuff' for fun.

Giving a child a wooden spoon to bang on a pot and throwing the occasional comment their way whilst you get on with your cooking is playing.

A few minutes sing song or blowing a raspberry at them is playing.

Reasearch is done, usually on extreme cases of neglect, the research trickles down to mainstream, parents panic and think if they don't do lots of stuff their children will suffer.

Or people think if a little bit of something is good for their kids that means that tons of it will be better. This idea is encouraged by others with something to sell.

LiquidCosh · 17/09/2012 18:34

Thank god for this thread i thought i was the only one! I have 4 DC and am very bad at playing imaginative games or any games really. They seem to keep themselves amused for the most part fighting playing together. I have never been good at make believe and DP is the parent who fills this role.

I do sometimes feel bad about it but its nice to know im not the only one! I think some MNers like to make themselves feel superior good by constantly going on and on about all the different activities and games they do with their DC.

Echocave · 17/09/2012 18:57

I think mrsdevere you are absolutely right. The pressure to 'do' playing sometimes seems intense and often dd gets a bit annoyed or so it seems when I pile in, desperately trying to stimulate and develop her(!). Lay off Mummy, she's thinking....!

NowThenWreck · 17/09/2012 18:59

Yeah "activities" suck. I do sometimes get out the glitter and glue when ds is in bed...

MummyPig24 · 17/09/2012 19:22

I wouldn't say I play with the kids a lot. I draw, do Playdoh, read, bake etc with then and we go out to the park,.shops, swimming, groups. But I don't often join in with their made up games. Ds is fab at amusing himself with his toys, dd is much more needy and needs "entertaining" more. But they have each other so mostly I am redundant! YANBU if your child is happy to amuse themselves some of the time.

FancyBread · 17/09/2012 19:32

I think it is good parenting not to play with your DC as long as you do play with them sometimes. My DC's were never nappers so I used to get them to play in another room every afternoon for a few hours. I would do things like playground, playgrounds,walks etc in the morning then ignore them after lunch. However, when I did play with them I would do so wholeheartedly. I couldn't have done that if they were had been bugging me all day.
I think it encouraged them to learn how to play by themselves and to use their imagination. It gave me a nice break too.

BsshBossh · 17/09/2012 19:41

I'm like you and always has been. DD is now 4, an only child, can play fantastically for ages on her own. Like you we chat together alot but she doesn't expect me to get down on the floor and play with her - she has her Dad, Grandma and her friends for that . My parents ever played with me - though they interacted with me loads and gave me lots of attention and opportunities and we are very close still.

Lavenderhoney · 17/09/2012 19:47

i am not invited to play with my dc's (5 and 3) and if i should invite myself to take part or ask what's happening they make it clear -no! that's the space ship! oh mummy! no! and i let them get on with it. i spoil it as their imagination and enthusiasum(sp) is better than mine, plus they have an easy give and take of ideas with each other. its lovely to hear them negoitating with each other:)

we play card games, do drawing/ painiting/ cooking, walks, days out etc but in the afternoons they pretty much get on with playing together whilst i do tea, tidy up etc. i only butt in if its getting a bit rowdy.

your ds sounds fine to me. he should be able to play alone and if he needs you he knows where you are. mind you, i would not be able to sit with biscuits- dc's would eat them then run off

noelstudios · 17/09/2012 19:56

I'm really pleased to read this thread. I often struggle to 'play' with our 11 mo twins - especially compared with my DH. It's great he's going to be a SAHD from next month. I do play with them, but I struggle to come up with ideas or things to do.... It's reassuring that I'm not alone. If they are happy pottering around the living room,I get on with emails / online tesco etc... I do feel a bit bad though. I can't 'play' for hours every day!

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies · 17/09/2012 20:01

Very jealous. My DD won't play on her own at all, it drives me to distraction, particularly as she's going to remain an only child.

TheCountessOlenska · 17/09/2012 20:15

Another thumbs up for this thread!

I think we are all playing to our strengths as parents.

I love reading to DD, having chats in the bath, listening to her imaginative play with half an ear and adding the odd comment, and going out to playgrounds/soft play.

I DO NOT like sitting on the floor playing/ craft/ baking/ painting - I have decided that those things are for toddler group and for Granny's house

NowThenWreck · 17/09/2012 20:19

Interesting that many on here say that their DH is the one who does rowdy/imaginative play.
There was this programme on Dads a while back and this kid said " Dad plays football with us. Mum does the washing up"
Whereas with us, I do all the chasing and silliness, and ds's dad doesn't.

Lavenderhoney · 18/09/2012 06:17

My dh does excitable play, swimming play, chess and we both cook with the dc. He would not do the excitable play if he didn't hand them over to me at the end to calm down:) he's a bit tired then...

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2012 09:06

There is no rule that says you have to be good at pretending to be a dinosaur or to enjoy make-believe tea parties.

Everything you have described sounds perfectly fine so carry on as you are.

BonnieBumble · 18/09/2012 09:10

I've always done puzzles, board games and reading etc but I don't like playing with cars and farms etc. I usually set the toys up give them a couple of ideas and leave them to it.

You can tell the children who are entertained constantly by their parents as they are very demanding and expect the same level of attention from all the adults they come into contact with.

Mrsjay · 18/09/2012 09:18

I used to do play do reading and puzzles and colouring in but i would hog the crayons but I can't remember ever being a tiger but it is good to interact with children especially toddlers as most of their brain development is done in the early years , so not being a tiger is fine but talking to them and chatting as they do is it quite important imo

Chandon · 18/09/2012 09:18

I have a very clear memory of my dad, sitting in the garden, reading the papers, and my brother and I continuously bringing him "cakes" from the sand pit. He would crumble it in his hand, say "yum yum yum" and then return to his papers. he must have done it 100 times or more!

That is still "playing", it was all the input we required.

I don't think you have to actively play with your child all the time, I mean, that would drive anyone nuts. I do think a few moments every day where your DC get your undivided attention (that goes for every age!) are important though.

My mum never played with me, she was not that sort of mum. But she always, always listened to me, really listen, and we still have a very good relationship, i think because of this.

there are many ways of being a great parent.

BertieBotts · 18/09/2012 09:19

I do some chasing and silliness. DS' current game is that we have to jump on all the manhole covers on the way home to fill up our power.

I despise playing trains, cars, dinosaurs eating cows etc but I will force myself to for a short time - if you put a time limit on it it seems bearable and less tedious. I like colouring, drawing, playing the odd playstation game. I like making the train track/town and I will be a customer in a play cafe or shop for a bit. I like baking because I can be really strict about the rules - craft etc I struggle with as I want to make sure he's doing it "right" even though I know that's totally wrong!

Mrsjay · 18/09/2012 09:24

MY dh did most of the playing with our DDs especially all that rough and tumble I did the quiet things with them, I work with parents who never interact with their children and they think it is ok for the toddlers to potter about themselves, but there is a huge difference between children playing alone sometimes to the ones getting ignored,

Flisspaps · 18/09/2012 09:25

Cailin Bimbling, that's exactly what DD does. Perfect word.

Bimble.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/09/2012 09:27

God, the most I've ever played with DD1 is to stick my leg out sometimes and pretend it's hurt so that she can tell me my heart is a bit loose .

On the other hand we chat, sing, read books, have cuddles, make cakes etc and so she gets plenty of attention, I'm just not providing the voices for Belle and Cinderella!

barmysarmy · 18/09/2012 10:27

I bloody love this thread I have two very happy bright and confident children who love to run around and play happily without constant structure or interference off me.

I read with my 5 year old, take him to the park daily, regularly visits friends and family, take him for outings and try to spend a little one to one time with him every day. My 19 month old is treated the same although more carefully monitored.

I have friends that conduct science experiments constantly do educational activities and are constantly playing with their children, I think this is lovely and I am not mocking this however I sometimes feel that these mums look down on me because I am relaxed and allow my children to play , I assess the risks and have firm boundaries but believe kids should be free to a point.

CondoleezzaRiceKrispies · 18/09/2012 10:39

For those of you who now have independently playing children, how did you manage it?

FancyBread · 18/09/2012 11:22

condeleezza
Ignore the little buggers. Regularly.

I would tell them to leave me alone for a couple of hours after which I would do something fun with them. Obviously, it didn't always work out like that but often did. I had three DC's within four years of age so they had each other to play with. I also made sure not to have the TV etc on unless it was definite TV time. Playtime was playtime and TV time was TV time IYSWIM.

It does depend so much on the DC's .

FancyBread · 18/09/2012 11:26

The other thing I did was NOT have lots of activities. Quite happy to have days with nothing much planned so the DC's would have to entertain themselves for at least some of the day.

Another poster, I forget who, mentioned the term ' benign neglect'.... I like that phrase!

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