AIBU to think that I am in fact not over my ex and never will be?

[Asmoothcriminal]

We were together a few years on and off, we treated eachother really badly, I was horrible, he was a violent control freak, we had a child together, it got even worse and we split, well he left me for someone else, and made no real effort to be a part of the childs life.

It's been exactly four years now, I'm with someone else and have been for the past 3 years. The ex has no part in the childs life. Looking back I can see that at least 50% of the relationship was just awful. We brought out the worst in eachother, I had zero self confidence with him. He was thick, boring, selfish, tight with money, shallow, self obsessed, we hardly did anything fun together and I spent most of my time sat in his bedroom while he watched football or following him around pubs and betting shops.

My now boyfriend on the other hand is generally kind, generous, more responsible, more interesting, we do so many more nice things together. Yet I still think about my ex a lot, even though I know how bad our relationship was I still daydream about getting back together or what I'd say if we saw eachother. I still romance about the good times we did have and the shared interests we had and miss that at times. I still spy on him on Facebook, I know he's with someone else but I hope they'll split up even though it will have no real impact on my life. I generally avoid places where I might bump into him, but if I ever do my eyes are always peeled incase I spot him, not that I'd even approach him. Sometimes I wish he could see me with my dp, happy walking along holding hands, seeing my dp treat me so well like he never did, see me dressed in lovely clothes that I never had the confidence to wear when I was with him, but why should I care?

I think mostly sometimes I miss the passion, I don't mean sexually but my current dp lacks passion for things in a laid back, nothing really phases him sort of way. My ex had a real fire in his belly, he was like me a very emotional person. I don't know of these are just the usual dwindling memories of a past relationship or me in fact not being over my ex.

Snap :( although I am single. He is not, no viilence but lies, user etc. sorry no hekp just empathise with all you say x

You are over him you just want the drama! I can relate to that

• my DP is one of the most laid back people ever - nothing riles him, believe me iv tried. We have 2 daughters.

My ex, well, it was drama all the way and sometimes I still think why if? But I know it's fleeting because that was a stage in my life that wasn't good for either of us and we had to cut our losses. 4 very emotionally charged passionte years and I don't regret them
But you can't live your life forever lurching from one drama
To the next!

Fire in his belly - was that before or after he was violent??

I think you are wearing rose coloured glasses here, he sounds truely awful. Maybe your new guy is not right either - maybe you just need to be on your own right now. Being part of a couple is not the be all and end all........theres a lot to be said for just pleasing yourself I'm sure.

Ah hunny im exactly the same and i think half of it is because i never saw emotion from my ex...he knew how much he meant to me but i didnt know how he felt for me! I want him to see me happy and for him to realise what hes lost! You just have to think that waste of space has taught you to be stronf independant and you deserve sooo much better!! He will realise one day what hes lost.

I would love to see my ex, when I am lookingnice too. I spend too much time fantasising about that and thinking about my love for him. Sad sad sad :(

If you saw your ex on a regular basis you'd probably get over him pretty quickly. It's the fact he's not around that you're not confronted with his arseholeishness so you can skip over the horrible bits and focus on the nice bits.

He was awful betty that's partly why I cannot understand why I still harbour some feelings towards him. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit crying into my coffee everyday, most of the time the day passes without giving him a thought and most of the time when I think about him I'm disgusted but there are these thoughts buried in the back of my mind and they come to the surface usually when there is a reminder such a visiting a place where I know he might be or a film we watched together.

Same here :( four years too

It's because its unfinished business!! I had a boyfriend when I was younger (silly teenage love)who treated me dreadfully. Not violent or anything but just went out with me and loads of others at the same time etc etc.....it took me years to get over him. He waited till I got married and 5 weeks later phoned up and asked me out!! What an arse!! I reckon if we had stayed together I would have come to my senses and dumped him eventually.......I see him every now and again and feel nothing!!

Queen you are dead right, zi know. Sobering post. :) sigh, it is strange and all consuming at times. Unfinished business I think...

Wow, that was a long paragraph with no full stops, got a bit carried away there.

I suppose what I'm wondering is, does everyone has these secret thoughts about exes or their first 'love'. And perhaps not admit it. Does everyone have a sneaky look on Facebook now and then or look out for their ex if in an old haunt.

It's also the child, I want my ex to see how fabulous our child is and what he's missed out on, but I know that things are best off as they are at least for the forseeable future.

X post betty! :)

Would you want your child to be in the sort of relationship you had with this man? I very much doubt it.

If the bloke you are with now is not everything you want, then sort that out, and move forwards. Never move backwards to someone who was abusive and made your life miserable.

You dont want him back, really you dont.

I wanted to start a tnread about my dilemma too. Sorry to hijack OP. I really do not know how to stop obsessing over ex either. It really fucks mr off!!!

I can sympathise, though mine was by all accounts nicer than yours - it was a difficult relationship and very complicated.

I felt like you do for years - and then gradually I let go and got over it, but since then we have met again and are now very close once more.

I'm glad I had that time to detach a bit, as it is so much easier and less painful now. I'm not with anyone else btw. which I think would complicate things.

I think I'll always have a lot of time for ex. I don't know why. Some people you just never really stop loving, in some way.
But I know if I didn't spend any time with him I'd be alright, now. it can seem interminable - maybe you have unresolved feelings for him?
I was lucky to be able to resolve/play out some of these when we got together again, and they have less significance now - we just get on well enough to co-parent, and then some.

No help to you whatsoever but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

Oh and I met mine 12 years ago! Definitely I wasn't over him for at least, well, till a couple of years back now

I just want this to stop. I feel tainted. Sometimes very angry

LaQueen you are of course quite right.

I think for me that part of it is that when I was with ex he put me down a lot and compared me to other women and I didn't have the confidence to wear things that I would have liked to, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I do not feel like that about myself anymore and because I know that he purposely tried to break me, I would like him to see that he has not. It's not even necessarily about him seeing me in a pretty dress but I feel as though I have a bit of a glow about me now that comes from just being happy with me, even if I'm in my pyjamas putting the rubbish out.

Yes we do all do the FB thing. Isn't that what they invented it for?

I have an ex from a long time ago that I will never forget, or be "over". (SoleSource, maybe we should start a thread all together to help us sort our heads out!)

My ex was a lovely person, and it ended because of misunderstandings and bad timing really. I am in a relationship now, but know on some level that I have to talk to my ex again somehow someday.

Mine isn't on FB as far as I can see. How dare he not be!

Yeah good idea about thread Thursday.

Mine is not on FB .

I have Pm you OP as certain peiple like to call me arsey.

Is it because your needs were only partly met, so you're always wanting more to satisfy you? But he never would, would he?
Maybe you should treat it like giving up smoking.

Yeah, you secretly hope he'll spot you walking along, all happy like, with your new functional family ... Why? Because you always hoped your 'passion' would morph into the kind of mutually caring, honest and trustworthy love you always wanted. You mistook instability for intensity and thought, like the characters in a pulp novel, he would Realise Your True Worth and mend his ways.

You know what? He won't. He'll be a thick cunt all his life. He doesn't have the brain power to realise anybody's true worth; man, woman or child. He is just a big unstable mess. All you're missing is that stupid hope, not the man.

Your current partner may not be the one for you, I don't know. Sit on it for a while. And rewrite that romantic novel in your head, this time with a more realistic ending.