AIBU to think that I am in fact not over my ex and never will be?

[Asmoothcriminal]

We were together a few years on and off, we treated eachother really badly, I was horrible, he was a violent control freak, we had a child together, it got even worse and we split, well he left me for someone else, and made no real effort to be a part of the childs life.

It's been exactly four years now, I'm with someone else and have been for the past 3 years. The ex has no part in the childs life. Looking back I can see that at least 50% of the relationship was just awful. We brought out the worst in eachother, I had zero self confidence with him. He was thick, boring, selfish, tight with money, shallow, self obsessed, we hardly did anything fun together and I spent most of my time sat in his bedroom while he watched football or following him around pubs and betting shops.

My now boyfriend on the other hand is generally kind, generous, more responsible, more interesting, we do so many more nice things together. Yet I still think about my ex a lot, even though I know how bad our relationship was I still daydream about getting back together or what I'd say if we saw eachother. I still romance about the good times we did have and the shared interests we had and miss that at times. I still spy on him on Facebook, I know he's with someone else but I hope they'll split up even though it will have no real impact on my life. I generally avoid places where I might bump into him, but if I ever do my eyes are always peeled incase I spot him, not that I'd even approach him. Sometimes I wish he could see me with my dp, happy walking along holding hands, seeing my dp treat me so well like he never did, see me dressed in lovely clothes that I never had the confidence to wear when I was with him, but why should I care?

I think mostly sometimes I miss the passion, I don't mean sexually but my current dp lacks passion for things in a laid back, nothing really phases him sort of way. My ex had a real fire in his belly, he was like me a very emotional person. I don't know of these are just the usual dwindling memories of a past relationship or me in fact not being over my ex.

Dreamingofthefuture, if you're single and want to go for it, then there's no reason why you shouldn't, but you should go into it eyes wide open and IMO be prepared for either massive disappointment or game playing. If you're confused, you may not have the objectivity you need to embark on this without getting hurt if it isn't right for you.

We're force-fed a load of Hollywood bollocks about first loves, missed opportunities and 'the one' that is culturally reinforced at every angle. Few people can resist the romance of re-uniting with your first love. It makes a great story. But life isn't like a fairy story and there isn't always a happy ending.

If the rose-tinted glasses are already slipping away just as a result of his facebook posts, then the chances are that whatever problems resulted in the two of you splitting up in the first place would soon rear their heads once more should you revisit this relationship.

Yeah the "first love" thing is so much BS isn't it. Can't have been that genuine if it didn't work out...

That said, I know someone who is just about to move in with her "first love" following a reunion brought about by the work of the devil known asFacebook.

Dahlen that is sooooo depressingly true about Hollywood. I am still brain washed by all that shit though.

Thank you for the responses, I have no intention of seeing him again I am sure. As I said I believe in moving on, one of my friend's thought it "was meant to be" and it was a sign but as I pointed out it is not as if we had a chance encounter 20 years on, Facebook is readily available.

Was his first love though, relationship from 13 (I know too young) until 19

I was talking with a girlfriend and male friend yesterday and we touched on some points here;

Male said films were partially to blame as american role models in his youth were tough silent gangster types - women wanted to change them and hung on patiently and finally it all paid off with the man changing, just enough to keep woman happy mind, and sweeping her off into sunset. He admitted trying to be this man until early 30's. We agreed the desire to change a man stems from happy endings and belief that man is intrinsically worth it and will change, as seen in films,

In reality this man would have possibly changed for all of 5 mins and woman would be depressed, lonely and unstable.

Makes you wonder what would have happened if WW2 hadn't come along and killed the British Film industry; what type of roll models would the UK have produced? Possibly less happy endings, but possibly more reality and better role models to boot?

Love your thought about the could-have-been British hero! I think we are missing the "Decent Chap" of our recent national past, who was no wimp either. Not so sure about the demure female homemaker, though. I prefer the strong-charactered woman of 1940s films, both British and American. She seemed to get along fine with Decent Chap, after the pair of them had defeated the Cads who almost led her astray

Clark Kent & Lois Lane, innit