AIBU to think that I am in fact not over my ex and never will be?

[Asmoothcriminal]

We were together a few years on and off, we treated eachother really badly, I was horrible, he was a violent control freak, we had a child together, it got even worse and we split, well he left me for someone else, and made no real effort to be a part of the childs life.

It's been exactly four years now, I'm with someone else and have been for the past 3 years. The ex has no part in the childs life. Looking back I can see that at least 50% of the relationship was just awful. We brought out the worst in eachother, I had zero self confidence with him. He was thick, boring, selfish, tight with money, shallow, self obsessed, we hardly did anything fun together and I spent most of my time sat in his bedroom while he watched football or following him around pubs and betting shops.

My now boyfriend on the other hand is generally kind, generous, more responsible, more interesting, we do so many more nice things together. Yet I still think about my ex a lot, even though I know how bad our relationship was I still daydream about getting back together or what I'd say if we saw eachother. I still romance about the good times we did have and the shared interests we had and miss that at times. I still spy on him on Facebook, I know he's with someone else but I hope they'll split up even though it will have no real impact on my life. I generally avoid places where I might bump into him, but if I ever do my eyes are always peeled incase I spot him, not that I'd even approach him. Sometimes I wish he could see me with my dp, happy walking along holding hands, seeing my dp treat me so well like he never did, see me dressed in lovely clothes that I never had the confidence to wear when I was with him, but why should I care?

I think mostly sometimes I miss the passion, I don't mean sexually but my current dp lacks passion for things in a laid back, nothing really phases him sort of way. My ex had a real fire in his belly, he was like me a very emotional person. I don't know of these are just the usual dwindling memories of a past relationship or me in fact not being over my ex.

What you want OP, (I am fairly sure), is not to be back with him, but for him to want you back. Two different things. You want to be the one in control, you want him to see you looking good and moving on, and you want him to think "fuck, I was such a fucking idiot to treat her so badly". You want him to be jealous.

ALL of that is natural, normal and understandable too. Just tell yourself that never in a million years would you want to be back with him though. You have grown, you can thank him for making you the woman you are now, and as part of lifes experience he was a bad part of it, but it made you realise exactly what you do not want from a man, and that was him.

I feel that squeaky. To have tbe option of turning him down so much rejevtion has confused me I think.

garlicnutty I like your post, sometimes people have a great way of putting things. I do really adore my dp even though it may not sound like it, I think we have a more realistic chance of a future together. But I wonder if he is 'the one' would I still be thinking about my ex.

squeaky that is another really good post, he took (or I gave him) a lot of control away from me and yes I suppose I want to take some of that back.

He controlled a lot of what I did and wore, money, friends etc. He left me even though by rights I should have been the one to leave him. Even in that he still knows my address (which I hate), but I don't know where he moved to after he went. One of the things I sometimes daydream about is us bumping into eachother and me telling him I've moved away or I'm moving away.

Electoral roll if that will hep. I am changing interior of house slowly as reminds me of him. But want to move. Too many memories here. I have pm you smooth.

I'm on the edited version of the electoral roll so he'd be unable to search. I was dicussing with my mum a few weeks ago about whether she thinks he'd ever turn up to see the child. She doesn't think he ever would because he'd be scared of having to pay maintanance (I know the two aren't connected but in his eyes always were). But she reckons he's probably walked past at times to see if he can spot us. We've slowly changed the house so that there's little trace of him here but it still bugs me that we have our old bed frame (not mattress) and the drawers that he put together, the sofas, want to get rid of it all eventually.

I think a lot of people have this. A love affair which was fiery and passionate. But they aren't real - lasting relationships are built on the 'boring' things like love, trust, respect. Cherish the good memories but remember that it would never have worked.

So glad I am not aline, thinkI am goibg crazy with it sometimes grrrrrrrrr

And, what you had wasn't passion. It was just that nervy, adrenaline rush you get when you feel insecure and apprehensive with someone. Not good. Not healthy.

This. I find sometimes that I miss the "butterflies" I had with some of my ex-partners. I don't have that with my OH (who is the father of my child). That's because he is 100% reliable, caring and trustworthy, I never have to wonder where I stand with him or feel nervous or insecure. Yes some good relationships can also involve those excited feelings, but in my case - and almost certainly in yours, given your description - it was insecurity, uncertainty and nerves. Not healthy and what we have now is a million times better.

I think that is partly right duchess, well a lot right but there are other things that bug me and I don't know if iabu or if I have a distorted view of what's normal. But for example my ex wanted to see me all the time, as much as possible, you know before you live together, I can remember him picking me up in taxis when I was sick so that I could come over. My dp is a bit more 'practical' about things, I could probably tell him I was going on a months holiday and he wouldn't bat an eyelid, which I guess can be a good and a bad thing.

I see his model of vehicke everywhete, drives me potty.

I split with my ex 20 years ago, I have since married and divorced but have never got over him although he treated me badly, not abusive but still not very nice ending to the relationship.

Fast forward to now, we have had contact on facebook, he wants to meet up, still lives local, calls me his first love and has sent his number several times. (We are both single).

I am now dithering and have been for ages so as not to shatter my illusions from 20 years ago, already some of his posts are taking the rose tinted glasses away from me and I don't want to lose them, how confused I feel.

I sometimes feel this way about my ex, then I bump into him and remember what a complete tosser he really is

Some posts on here are quite scary. Agree with LaQueens posts.

This tnread has helped me so much. I didn't exactly welcome him. Complex and out of lonliness and rose tinted specs I feel this way. Recently PMT got to me. I need to create a life for me now. It is time.

All my exes are dickheads for one reason or another, that is why they are exes. It doesn't stop me having a look on their FB when I'm bored or with one or two of them having a smile when I remember something good from the past. Doesn't mean any of them are even good enough to breathe the same air as my DH

By welcome him I mean cook for him, tidy as one might for a guest. It was my way of revenge. I was scared of him I did not know he was a gangster until later on. . He was evil. Low self esteem prevented me from expecting better treatment.

It used to piss him off he had to cook tidy or sit in a mess
HAHAHAHA

This tbread is good, OP thank you x

It's not the ex you're failing to get over, it's the fact that the relationship didn't work out and you're still trying to process why that is and stop yourself feeling like a failure. It's natural to blame yourself when a relationship breaks down - if I'd been x, y, z he wouldn't have treated me like this. Basically, the reason you don't think you're over your x is because your subconscious is telling you that if you'd been the person you think you should have been then you'd still be together and he would treat you well.

However, the important thing to remember is that when dealing with abusive twunts the old adage of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other does not apply. Abusive/controlling/selfish behaviour is always the sole responsibility of the abuser. That doesn't absolve you of any of your own bad behaviour, of course, but its a sobering reminder that even had you been 'perfect', the odds are very much that he would have behaved in exactly the same way regardless.

You may get some benefit from something like the Freedom programme.

OP, please don't question your current good relationship because of these irrational feelings you have for your ex. You have had good replies on your thread and you seem to have a lot of insight, so just keep giving yourself a shake and a slap and carry on.

How could you not still be affected by someone who was the father of your child ? Those feelings of attachment are very strong, and you must have had to really work on them at the time since he treated you badly. That can make the "unfinished business" feelings even stronger, I think.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not., but I still think and replay a relationship I had with a bloke from 30 years ago. He was my first proper love and the only man who has ever treated me badly (that I allowed, anyway). I sometimes fantasise about seeing him again and him thinking "God, How could I be so stupid to treat this fabulous woman so badly". I want to see he has aged badly and continued to make bad choices in his life. I hear on the grapevine that is the case, but I haven't seen him myself which is odd because we have mutual friends and I think he only lives in the next town. I suspect he didn't attend a funeral I went to, because he knew I would be there. Or perhaps I am kidding myself and he doesn't ever give me a thought. How stupid we are, over these crap blokes, eh ?

So, give yourself a break and tell yourself it is normal, because IMO, I think it is (or that many of us are equally crazy...)

btw, dreamingofthefuture I really, really think you should not go there

AF, can I ask why you say that? I very much have the gut feeling not to go there, I think you should move forwards not backwards and that everything is for a reason. However, I have only told a few people of this latest development and everybody else seems to think I should meet up with him. Again, i should add he was not abusive in any way, think the main reason we split was I was younger than him and I think we grew apart.

(Sorry for the thread hijack, just nobody else has yet thought the same as me)

With British men so often it seems to be a choice between boring and bad behaviour. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself OP. I find a change of scenery the best thing for getting someone out of your head.

dreaming

he is an ex for a reason ?

you say he treated you badly

you would be going backwards for the wrong reasons

he says you were his "first love" (smells bullshit)

he is sniffing around for a shag

this is only my opinion of course, he could be a fabulous bloke who made some mistakes

I very much doubt it though, and if you start it all up again you may get swept away with reliving your youth (which is always a very, very silly thing to do, because it appears to make people take complete leave of their senses)