Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want him to meet the children?

69 replies

leapster · 17/09/2012 11:53

This is my first post so i will try and give a bit of background

Me and xdp tried to make things work between us mostly for the childrens sake, which didnt work i was unhappy, he was happy in a "well better than being alone" kind of way.

I ended things, i have met someone new and he would like to meet the children (i have 3 with my ex).

I spoke to my ex last night and he hit the roof said he never wants the children to meet my new dp and also went on to say "i dont want him round when the kids are with you at ALL even if they are asleep", he has the children 2 days/2 nights out of 14 so understandbly keeping my new dp out of the house when i have the kids is an issue my son is only a toddler so is here with me 24/7 so i cant even see my dp when he works an early shift before the other two finish school.

I just want my children to meet him so he can come over in the evenings and they wont suddenly see a stranger sat in our house, according to ex im being selfish, my friends think ive been respectful enough in trying to discuss this issue and should now do what i think is best.

i truely do understand why hes finding this so hard i do, in the same respect when he meets someone new i will have my own issues to work through but surely right now meeting the kids for an hour so they know who he is, really ist that big of a deal? im not planning on playing happy families with him but we cant move on in our relationship if we continue to just see each other 2 nights then spend 12 days/nights not seeing each other at all i really care about him and miss him when i cant see him. not to mention i feel like ex is still controlling and dictating to my life when we arent together anymore

any thoughts?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 11:55

Difficult one. Personally I would see new DP on the days when the kids weren't with me, and suck it up. How long have you been together?

Hopeforever · 17/09/2012 12:00

So many variables here

How long have you been split from exP
How long have you been with new DP
How old are the kids
How certain are you that it's going to last with your new DP (I know you can't say for certain, but it is serious, fun but not life long etc)
How is your relationship with the your exP
How have the kids taken your split from their dad

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2012 12:00

You really have left out a key point here and that's how long you've been together?

shrimponastick · 17/09/2012 12:02

As above.

What are the timescales on the events?

Dahlen · 17/09/2012 12:02

It's always better if both parents can be on-board with the introduction of a new partner, but in cases where it's a natural and reasonable next step and one of the parents still disagrees, you have to say 'tough' to the other parent.

It is your life, and you have control over it. You have shown your partner the courtesy of telling him what's going on. Seeing as he trusts you to have the children for 12 days out of 14, then he also has to trust your judgement on when is the right time to introduce a new partner.

People talk a lot of crap about introducing new partners. There is no ideal time or way to do it and sometime waiting too long can be detrimental (if by that time you're head over heels but he doesn't get on with the DC you're more willing to make excuses for him than if you'd done it earlier before being so love-blind for example). The trick is to keep the importance of the relationship between DC and new partner to a minimum until you know it's going to work out. Children form transient relationships with adults and then move on from them without a backward glance and no emotional scarring all the time (think teachers etc) as long as they don't become too emotionally dependent on that person.

Go for it I say! Smile

Evasmum12 · 17/09/2012 12:02

Agreed, it depends on how long you have known eachother.

SavoyCabbage · 17/09/2012 12:03

I would say after a year.

LydiasMiletus · 17/09/2012 12:05

As pps have said, they are is too much information needed to give an answer.
How long had you been split from dh (or had you split at all) when you got together with new dp?
How long have you being seeing dp?
How long have you been split?
what are the ages of the children?

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 12:06

I would say it all depends on the ages of the children.

Other than that, it has bugger all to do with your ex.

LydiasMiletus · 17/09/2012 12:07

I should say though, with the absence of that information I believe your dh should be allowed input. They are still his children.

Paiviaso · 17/09/2012 12:07

You don't want to be introducing boyfriends to your children unless the relationship is going really well and you are getting very serious and you have known him a good long while.

You are calling this new man "DP," but how long have you actually been together?

ivykaty44 · 17/09/2012 12:09

There isn't anything that your exp can do to stop you getting on with your own life - and this includes having b/f and them meeting your dc.

Whether you want to wait three months into the relationship or you want them to meet your b/f from day one is a different matter for your dc benifit, you will have to judge whether things like that will effect your dc in a bad way or not, but even then it is up to you.

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:09

It would be a year minimum for me. I think OP's ex has a valid point.

Original poster
leapster · 17/09/2012 12:10

weve been together properly 4 months, known him 6 months

me and ex never moved back in together after splitting the first time so nothing much has changed tbh, the children are 8 6 and 20 months

valium im not sure me and dp can truely base a relationship on 4 days a month seeing each other, and i dont think my ex has any right to dictate to me that i should do that either.

i think we have a future and so does dp, i care a lot about him and he is a lovely man who treats me with repsect, i wouldnt introduce my children to someone i was just having fun with no

x

OP posts:
Original poster
leapster · 17/09/2012 12:11

forgot to add dp is a friend of a friend xxx

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:11

X posted with you OP.

It's very early days - I agree with your ex. You have no idea if this relationship will continue, no one has.

LydiasMiletus · 17/09/2012 12:12

Be honest do you want him to meet the kids because its the right time, or just because you can see him more.
The kids really need to come first.
I don't agree your ex can say he can't be in the house when they are asleep though.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 12:13

He isnt your DP, he is your boyfriend in my view.

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/09/2012 12:13

Whilst I think he should be asked his opinion, the fact he says he never wants them to meet is a bit ridiculous tbh. I also think it's pretty unfair to say you can't see him even when the kids are in bed - as you say, it's going to be pretty hard to build a relationship within your ex's expectations.

ivykaty44 · 17/09/2012 12:13

leapster - your ex is reacting in this way as he has lost control and he is worried that another man is going to take his place as the father figure.

Can you smooth things over with him and give him asurance that this man is not going to take his place and be a father to his dc? Could you also see if he will see his dc more often than for two nights once a fortnight?

This way you would have some precious free time to see your new dp and also the dc would have more time with their father

Original poster
leapster · 17/09/2012 12:13

valium you think he has a right then to tell me when i can see my dp?

OP posts:
JamieAngelosMuse · 17/09/2012 12:15

I don't think that's long enough to class as a serious relationship. If it were me, I would only be seeing the new partner on the days when the DCs were with their father. My 'need' for a relationship would always come secondary to what would be best for my child.

LydiasMiletus · 17/09/2012 12:15

How long have you been officially split from ex?
Thu I think most people here would be agreeing with the OP if it was her saying she didn't want a new partner introduced to her kids by ex, at this stage.
You say together 'properly' 4 months so what was the relationship I. The prior 2 months?

Dahlen · 17/09/2012 12:15

I think a year is far too long. By that time, a relationship could have got very serious. What then if DC and DP don't get on? Most people would be persuaded into giving it some time to improve, which can get very messy and detrimental to all concerned.

Far better to do it as soon as the relationship becomes established, but before major emotional involvement so that both parties are capable of withdrawing if they want to. It need only be done introducing the new person as a friend rather than a partner. Then if things don't work out, the DP just becomes another person who played no significant part in their lives and just fell by the wayside. Children meet adults on this basis all the time.

It's ridiculous to not be allowed to entertain whomsoever you please in your own home when the DC are in bed fast asleep. Sleeping over is another issue, but for an evening you should not need to ask your XP's permission.

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:16

leapster when your ex has the children. If that is only a couple of days then so be it. The children would come first not me wanting to see a very new boyfriend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread