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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want him to meet the children?

69 replies

leapster · 17/09/2012 11:53

This is my first post so i will try and give a bit of background

Me and xdp tried to make things work between us mostly for the childrens sake, which didnt work i was unhappy, he was happy in a "well better than being alone" kind of way.

I ended things, i have met someone new and he would like to meet the children (i have 3 with my ex).

I spoke to my ex last night and he hit the roof said he never wants the children to meet my new dp and also went on to say "i dont want him round when the kids are with you at ALL even if they are asleep", he has the children 2 days/2 nights out of 14 so understandbly keeping my new dp out of the house when i have the kids is an issue my son is only a toddler so is here with me 24/7 so i cant even see my dp when he works an early shift before the other two finish school.

I just want my children to meet him so he can come over in the evenings and they wont suddenly see a stranger sat in our house, according to ex im being selfish, my friends think ive been respectful enough in trying to discuss this issue and should now do what i think is best.

i truely do understand why hes finding this so hard i do, in the same respect when he meets someone new i will have my own issues to work through but surely right now meeting the kids for an hour so they know who he is, really ist that big of a deal? im not planning on playing happy families with him but we cant move on in our relationship if we continue to just see each other 2 nights then spend 12 days/nights not seeing each other at all i really care about him and miss him when i cant see him. not to mention i feel like ex is still controlling and dictating to my life when we arent together anymore

any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 12:17

i will always put my childrens needs first!

i dont see how we can build a relationship going 12 days at a time without seeing each other?

i do think its the right time for him to meet them yes, but maybe iabu

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:17

If he came over after the children are asleep and doesn't stay over then I can't see what business it is of your ex's.

Badgerina · 17/09/2012 12:19

Been there, done that. My ex was really against my boyfriend J (now my DH) meeting my DS. I think for many (certainly in the case of my ex) it's an egotistical gut reaction rather than a carefully thought out reason to "protect" the kids. I have to admit that if my ex were ever to meet someone I would have a certain part of me that would resent that relationship. Not very grown up and "proper" I know, but that feeling would be there, undeniably. I bloody well wouldn't let DS or ex know though and certainly wouldn't let it interfere with them!

Anyway, as others have said - answers to your questions depend on needing more information about your circumstances. I'll enlighten you with mine

J and I, been together for 6 months, and were serious about a long term relationship. All that we wanted to do was take DS out together during the day, during school holidays, on some fun daytime trips. No time "at home" together yet, just taking it slowly so DS could get to know J and vice versa. Ex was really stubborn about it, REALLY pathetically spiteful and immature.

So I emailed him and explained our motives, told him a bit more about J and BLOODY WELL DID IT ANYWAY.

He got over it. He was simply throwing his toys out of the pram. A particularly fine character trait of his

LydiasMiletus · 17/09/2012 12:21

OP are you ignoring the questions about how long you and exh have been split?
I am starting to get feeling the new boyfriend was actually the OM.

CaptainHetty · 17/09/2012 12:22

DP and I started out seeing each other once a fortnight because we both have children from previous relationships and had to work around them. You make it work because you have to, and if there's anything there it works because you want it to. We're still together so it is possible.

B1ueberry · 17/09/2012 12:24

I've been seeing somebody for 7 months and I haven't met his children and he hasn't met mine. My children don't know he exists, it's hard I'll admit it. There have been so many pointless lies that weigh on me a bit.

HaveringGold · 17/09/2012 12:25

So if they see him will it be say a trip to the park for a couple of hours at the weekend or an evening where it's obvious he is then staying either later or overnight? I think you have to start with the former and build up over time to the latter. But my. (huge) assumption is you're going for the latter and yep I think 4 months is to early for that. Obviously I could be completely wrong but maybe when you speak to the ex you need to be explicit.

TroublesomeEx · 17/09/2012 12:26

I wouldn't introduce a new partner to my children until I was absolutely as confident as I could be that it was going to be for the long term.

If you only see him once every 12 days or so then he is your boyfriend, not your partner. If you've been together for 4 months then that's not many times you've seen each other.

It sounds to me as though you want to introduce them so that you can see him more.

I certainly wouldn't do it for my children (and I've been a single parents so I can speak on this) but it is up to you what you do with yours.

Inneedofbrandy · 17/09/2012 12:26

There is a big difference between meeting a new partner, and waking up and seeing one in your bed!

Thats like saying you can't have any male friends around your house/children.

I personally feel neither one of you can dictate what happens in each others houses.

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 12:36

sorry not ignoring it, me and ex had split before i met my new partner.

i definatly wont be having him sleep over for a long time while the kids are here we did discuss it, but i dont see the harm in him meeting the children, and yes it will make things easier, he comes round plenty of tims when they are in bed the whole hes not allowed thing only came up last night, so i have seen him a lot more, im not going to stop seeing him when the kids are asleep because my ex is thinking he has a right to who i do or dont see.

i guess its one of those situations where everyone will have their own opinion and that really was what i was after, some outside views because my family and friends are too connected to the situation

im greatful for the honesty of the replies too x

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:37

But how long had you been split before meeting him?

AnitaBlake · 17/09/2012 12:38

I think it depends on your judgement about how stable the kids feel and how you feel about him. I think your ex is being unrealistic tbh, you are going to move on and you are the RP, you can't be expected to conduct a relationship two nights a fortnight.

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 12:39

havering no if he meets them im thinking meet somewhere away from our home probably the park somewhere they can say hi to him but they can play so its not forced have to sit there all intense
x

OP posts:

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 12:41

valium how is that relevant to wether my children meet a new partner?

i understand it might cloud my ex's feelings but its not an important factor, i had fallen out of love with my ex a long time before we split i did things right though and finished with him BEFORE i met my new partner

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 17/09/2012 12:43

It's relevant as to wether THEY are ready to meet a new partner.

LizLemon007 · 17/09/2012 12:44

My children's dad never takes them (although my parents sometimes take them and give me a break). Some ludicrous hotel bills have been incurred by the man I'm seeing. That can't go on but I don't know what the solution is. He is a good guy who is very involved with his own children and doesn't have the energy to get involved with my children, and I get that! we are both exhausted by our own children. What is the answer? How do other people manage it?

I can't imagine introducing this guy to my children. Their shocked faces, and the awkwardness for everybody! I literally don' tknow how people do it.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 12:45

It is relevant and to be fair, I think from what you have written that you began this relationship almost immediately after leaving your husband. Your ex still sounds upset by the split, and I think you have to try and imagine if the situation were reversed. A bit of tact is needed I think.

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 12:48

valium i havent lived with their father for over 2 years and we didnt try long second time around it wasnt something they were aware of.

squeaky hes hurt hes no longer got the chance of an easy ride but i think if he was as honest as ive been he no more wants to be with me than i want to be with him he.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 17/09/2012 12:52

Your ex has absolutely no right to say what you can do or who you do it with. I have seen many women get flammed on her for suggesting a similar situation with their exs and the exs new partner. Whether your ex is upset by the split or not is neither here nor there and he has no rights over your life or your descions. On a seperate issue I wouldn't introduce my children to someone after such a short space of time as I think you have nor idea after four months if it will work out or not imo.

joona · 17/09/2012 12:58

All these people who are saying that OP relationship with her new DP "cant be classed as a proper relationship" or that she "has no way of knowing if it will continue long term", "i would only allow my DC to meet DP if the relationship was serious".....

How on earth is OP relationship even going to be given the chance to develop if she is only 'allowed' to see him twice a fortight??

I agree that as the father of DC, XP has a right to some input.. but he does NOT have the right to tell OP what she can & cannot do.

I think OP is right in saying she would like DP to meet her children, so that it wouldnt come as a shock if they found out in some other way one day. I dont think 4 months is too early atall. Infact i think it would be worse if DC found out that 'mummy has had a new boyfriend for a whole year and we've only just been told'.. also, i think the fact that DP wants to meet the children shows that his intentions within this relationship stretch beyond 'a bit of fun'.

But If XP is genuinely so concerned, why does he not offer to take his DC more than twice a fortnight? That way he see's more of them, and OP has a little more 'me' time to spend with her DP, which would surely allow their relationship to progress a little, and make it clearer to both parties whether things have the potential to become long term.

Kewcumber · 17/09/2012 12:59

I don;t see anything wrong with your DC's meeting a boyfriend as long as they are clear that he's just a good friend (presumably they meet your other friends) and he doesn't make any concerted effort to bond with them at this stage.

Your ex feels threatened that someone else is going to see more of his children than he does. I know how that would make me feel and I don;t see that you've got anything to lose by being sensitive to that.

I doubt seeing your boyfriend, say, once a month is likely to significantly damage either your DC's or their bond with their father.

Or give him the choice of having the children more so you can see your DP more often.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2012 13:00

Wonders how you can move from a boyfriend situation that you meet only very occasionally to a partner situation if you can only see your bf when the kids are with their dad's ie only 4 ~6 days a month.....

You might as well give up ever having a partner until your dcs are at Uni.

Imagine 'Oh I am going out with a bf but he is refusing to see me ore than a couple of week ends a month. We do talk on the phone but he is obviously reluctant to commit to a more serious relationship'
MN verdict? Ditch the bf, he isn't interested in you.
And then 'Yes he is the P and can only see me when they aren't there'
MN verdict? Well he is committed to his dcs, not you, ditch the bf.

Does it sounds realistic?

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 17/09/2012 13:00

May have missed something, but why can he not come over while the children are in bed? If I were you that's what I'd do - have him over once they're in bed.

I never had this problem with ex meeting DD as she already knew him, so it was no different than having any other friend over. We just didn't kiss/cuddle etc until she was in bed.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2012 13:01

Her exDH said he wasn't to be in the same place than his children even if they are sleeping....

What a fantastic way to ensure that his ex will never be able to have a relationship again.

littlebluechair · 17/09/2012 13:04

Your ex has no right to dictate whether you intorduce a new partner to your children, and you have no right to dictate in return.

There is a big difference between them 'meeting' and him being touted as a big part of their lives.

I think it is fine for a bf to meet them at the time you consider it a serious relationship. If you are still at the finding out stage, I wouldn't. He can come over once kids are on bed for dinner surely? Or get babysitters?

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