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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want him to meet the children?

69 replies

leapster · 17/09/2012 11:53

This is my first post so i will try and give a bit of background

Me and xdp tried to make things work between us mostly for the childrens sake, which didnt work i was unhappy, he was happy in a "well better than being alone" kind of way.

I ended things, i have met someone new and he would like to meet the children (i have 3 with my ex).

I spoke to my ex last night and he hit the roof said he never wants the children to meet my new dp and also went on to say "i dont want him round when the kids are with you at ALL even if they are asleep", he has the children 2 days/2 nights out of 14 so understandbly keeping my new dp out of the house when i have the kids is an issue my son is only a toddler so is here with me 24/7 so i cant even see my dp when he works an early shift before the other two finish school.

I just want my children to meet him so he can come over in the evenings and they wont suddenly see a stranger sat in our house, according to ex im being selfish, my friends think ive been respectful enough in trying to discuss this issue and should now do what i think is best.

i truely do understand why hes finding this so hard i do, in the same respect when he meets someone new i will have my own issues to work through but surely right now meeting the kids for an hour so they know who he is, really ist that big of a deal? im not planning on playing happy families with him but we cant move on in our relationship if we continue to just see each other 2 nights then spend 12 days/nights not seeing each other at all i really care about him and miss him when i cant see him. not to mention i feel like ex is still controlling and dictating to my life when we arent together anymore

any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 13:04

thank you, i did ask him if he would like to have the children more often and he said no his words were "im not being a babysitter so you can see your new fella" so i kind of cant win really.

i do understand that he feels threatened i know he worries that his relationship will be damaged but ive talked to him and tried to put in place some sort of routine to make sure that doesnt happen so he sees them more but he is adimant its every other weekend only so im not sure what else i can do.

im pleased to get views from both sides tho especially those thinking my ex is right because i know we are both clouded in our judgement on each others opinions right now so its good to get it unbiased!

he will only be introduced as a friend right now i see no need for anything more, and yes they meet plenty of my friends (male and female) in the same respect ex has female friends he sees when the children are with him

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 17/09/2012 13:05

I honestly don't see why you are even discussing this with your ex? It is your house, the kids are in bed, your bf comes over, how the hell does your ex know what is happening anyway?

littlebluechair · 17/09/2012 13:06

I think you need to reduce the amount you speak to your ex by the sounds of it.

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 13:08

littlebluechair you are very right in that i do! and im making sure this happens now, he knows he was coming over because i said to him id like them to meet him incase they get downstairs and hes just there i dont think that an appropriate way for them to meet him, and thats when it kicked off that i wasnt allowed him here while the kids are even if they are sleeping

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 17/09/2012 13:11

Hmm, your ex sounds rather bossy. Does he wish you were still together?

joona · 17/09/2012 13:14

OP.. you say that you know he feels threatened, and that he is worried about his relationship with DC being damaged.

Yet he refuses to have them more often than every other weekend when offered the oppertunity? Saying that he is not being a babysitter while you see your new fella

Sounds to me like this is entirely a jelousy thing. He just doesnt want you to move on, and is using his so-called concerns over DP meeting DC as an excuse to hinder your chances. What a selfish man.

And you should point out to him that he is not a babysitter... He is their FATHER, and the DC are as much his responsibility as they are yours.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 13:14

You can see your new bloke, just sort out childcare. It will be your responsibility to pay for it. That way you need not involve your ex in it at all.

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 13:16

littlebluechair he does but only because its easier for him, he doesnt want to get a job and help support our family he wants me to do all that aswell as look after the house and everything else its one of the main reasons we split the first time and i honestly thougt he would change but he just doesnt want to.
if im to support my family and do everything in the house id rather do it without having to clear up after him and deal with the arguements that arise from it i guess i lost respect for him and wrongly or rightly i feel if he really really loved me he would have changed..im aware thats probably a whole nother aibu though lol

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 17/09/2012 13:16

I am with your ex.

You have 3 children, one of whom is still just a toddler. And you want to bring a man, a relative stranger into their homes when they are asleep? It has only been 4 months!

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 13:17

squeakytoy i think i will have to although im not sure where is best to look to hire a babysitter, i dont have any family here but i dont mind paying for childcare at all

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 13:20

Do you have other friends who are parents? Ask around if they know anyone who is a good babysitter. Ask at your childrens' nursery or school. Plenty of the nursery workers are often looking for a bit of extra cash for babysitting, and if they already know your child, then even better.

Plenty of single mums find reliable babysitters.

LadyInDisguise · 17/09/2012 13:22

Fully agree with jona. He is jealous and do not want you to have another relationship.

I have to say I also agree with littlebluechair. Why did you talk to your exH about your private life in the first place?

Original poster

leapster · 17/09/2012 13:23

a lot of my friends are single parents i know some use family but worth asking yeh thank you, infact i know one of the mums is friends with one of the TA's she babysits her children sometimes so might be worth asking, i know reliable sitters can be found thats true

OP posts:

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 17/09/2012 13:33

I think there is no harm in introducing them to your new partner as long as its done sensitively and during the day. It's hard to put definite timescales as it varies so much in individual situations

You should try and be as sensitive as you can to your ex's feelings, but that does not mean he can tell you what you can do and when. He is not the boss, you should take on board what he says but you don't have to just do as he tells you. Imagine how resentful you would feel if you did as he asked and he introduced a new partner straight away and there's nothing you can do, I have seen that happen several times

It's difficult to find a balance in these situations but it can be done. Good luck op I hope things work out well with your new DP

CleoSmackYa · 17/09/2012 14:29

I had been with my boyfriend 3 months when he met my daughter (split from her Dad for 18 months). I didn't introduce him as 'my boyfriend' though. She was 4 at the time.

squeakytoy · 17/09/2012 14:36

OP, you wouldnt think twice about having a female friend round to tea, or going to the zoo/park with a mate either. So it is no different if you invite your boyfriend to meet the children and join in with you all. The only difference is that you dont spend the time snogging, and behaving like a courting couple in the first throes of an affair, which is likely to be confusing for your children, who are just getting used to the idea of their Dad no longer living with them.

So long as he is introduced as a friend, not a potential new daddy, then it doesnt matter how soon he meets them.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 17/09/2012 16:59

"Her exDH said he wasn't to be in the same place than his children even if they are sleeping....

What a fantastic way to ensure that his ex will never be able to have a relationship again."

I thought i must be missing some reason the BF can't come over when the kids are in bed (IE work commitments etc).

Evidently though, OPs ex is just being a complete and utter prick. It is not his business who you associate with OP. He does have a right to voice his opinion on the whether or not it is appropriate for BF to meet the children - But he doesn't get to dictate.

I suggest you inform him that if this went to court, he would be laughed at (Unless he is sitting on hard evidence that your BF is some sort of dangerous individual, which i doubt). He is trying to rule your life, nothing to do with your kids, he has proven this by refusing to have the children more. He doesn't care about them, he just wants to control you.

WaitingForMe · 17/09/2012 17:33

I met my stepkids when I'd been dating DH for 7 weeks (known each other for years) and he just informed his ex he was introducing me as a friend. It was only about 7 months after he moved out. She never gave any clue she found this unreasonable and appreciated that he kept her updated of the bare facts, fully appreciating it was none of her business.

She likewise told DH the name of her boyfriend when she was introducing him to the kids.

As an outsider to their relationship I've always thought DH and his ex were mature and respectful of each others boundaries.

NowThenWreck · 17/09/2012 17:43

What squeaky said.
As long as this man is around just as a friend, you can have anyone round you like.
He is not your partner though. He is your boyfriend.
And...
Babysitter!!???
It is not up to your ex who you socialise with, and you have no obligation to tell him what you do.

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