to object to the wife 'liberating' things?

[BadLad]

We've just had our first serious argument.

Every time we go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, DW smuggles some of the food out, specifically taking bags and tupperware for that purpose.

On one occasion, when it was also all-you-can-drink, she liberated a bottle of the sake that was available on a help-yourself basis.

When we go fruitpicking, she smuggles a load of it home. The system here is different to the UK, where if I remember correctly, you pay for what you pick. Here you can eat as many as you want for 30 minutes, but pay for what you take home, bought in the shop.

The most recent occasion has been a load of teabags, from a restaurant where, among other things, you can get your own exotic tea. These are individually wrapped, very very expensive looking ones, which would be pricey here. At the end of the meal, we were given two to take home. Which didn't excite DW very much, as she"d already half-inched fifty of them to take home.

These are for giving to her friends / colleagues. If she had taken one or two for her own use at home, I might only be disapproving rather than pissed off. The first time we were in this restaurant, she suggesting nicking one of the very nice plates.

Ever since an incident in my school days, where the whole class was threatened with expulsion and getting the police involved after someone nicked something on a school day out, I have long hated shoplifters and thieves in general.

I have told her before that I hate her doing this - this time I was really angry. I was able to make my point, but I can see she thinks I'm making fuss over nothing, and that I am on a high horse. Moral issues apart, I don't want to go to such places with her and worry about being seen and thrown out.

AIBU?

Title fail

YANBU.

It's stealing. I wouldn't want to go out with a thief either.

YANBU.

Utterly ridiculous. No doubt you'll get someone coming on with 'but she might have a problem, have sympathy'

Yes she has got a problem she's a bloody theif.

She is a thief, just stop going to places with her if she is such an embarassment to you.

Sorry, that sounded as if I was having a go at you there. I wasnt.

I would be mortified if my husband behaved like this when we went out.

I don't think that people generally care about the odd person taking a little bit of stuff - if she had already pinched a couple of tea bags or whatever but if she's pinched 50, then IMO she is actually a criminal and is in danger of actually being arrested.

Again, fruit picking, I don't think people really mind about the picker eating 2 or 3 strawberries, but smuggling a load out is again, actual proper theft.

She's a criminal and I would not want any part of that.

Thief. I was mortified when DH came back from a work weekend with 5 branded glasses! He hasn't done anything like that before or since so I was totally wtf are you doing?!?!

He said he wanted a fosters glass and a Stella glass and an eirdinger glass (have you seen the size of those?!) for if he ever drinks them at home!!!

He got a bollocking

Good to get some opinions. As it was "only teabags" this time, I wondered if I was being fussy.

As the argument has finished, I will leave it for now, but remind her how much it bothers me next time we go to any such place.

You've got every right to object to your wife's thieving.

Just as she's got every right to object to being called 'the wife'....

bethfairbright she might not mind being called 'the wife'. Tad irrelevant.

Does she have any other form of anxiety disorder? I don't think her behaviour is excusable whatsoever, but clearly reasoning with her is not working so it seems to me that you need to get to the root of the issue.

'Kleptomania' is as misused and ubiquitous a term as OCD and other words for serious disorders, but this to me sounds as though she really does have a condition. You don't say but I'm guessing you're not on the breadline, she's stealing these things to give to others, which is a warped way of justifying her actions. You shouldn't have to put up with this and neither should the retailers and businesses from whom she is stealing.

No, she doesn't have any other forms as far as I know. We could easily afford them - she just chooses not to buy them. I didn't think of the fact that she might have a disorder.

It was the 50 teabags that mushed it from silly compulsion to full-blown disorder territory for me. I think this could be an indication of something more serious than you realise.

In the first instance, don't get angry with her again, just press on her that this isn't normal behaviour, and you're actually genuinely worried. As I think you should be.

Pushed it not mushed it. Wtf

OP you're right, this falls outside the bounds of 'accepted' behaviour (e.g. DH brings home 3 sachets of sugar from hotels for DCs weetabix) especially the premeditated aspect - taking tuppaware etc to buffets.

Perhaps raising this with her again in a calm way, not as part of an argument, or asking her to look at some websites related to kleptomania or obsessive behavious might help. Is there something in the past that could have obviously led to this? A period of significant poverty? Not enough food at home as a child?

Following on from timetosmile, is there something going on in your lives that might be causing her to behave irrationally? When a friend of had several failed rounds of failed IVF, she started to behave in a related way (not kleptomania, but a similar compulsive disorder). Could there be something going on with her at work or in her private life that she feels a lack of control over?

I think you should follow timetosmile's approach, and if calm reasoning with her won't work, then state clearly and firmly that it's gone too far, you feel extremely uncomfortable about her behaviour and if she does it again you're going to inform the proprietor.

timetosmile, there was a period of significant poverty when she was growing up, when my late father-in-law went bankrupt and the family lost their house. Since then they have been furiously frugal, but also none of them frown on this sort of thing - in fact MIL and SIL also do the fruit pinching, and aunts-in-law are quite happy to receive.

I have no experience of conditions like kleptomania. I always assumed the scale of it - 50 tea bags (and they are very nice ones, I don't think she'd have bothered if they were your regular PG Tips) was from thinking along the lines of "the more we have, the longer they'll last", rather than addictive stealing.

Our financial position has never been better - we have two incomes, no children and a free place to live. Her work appears to be fine.

Thanks for the suggestions, and Vivipru. I have offered to pay for what she wants in the past, and been turned down (by the whole family). Even if she doesn't have kleptomania, perhaps the idea that I might be considering that she does have it will make her realise how uncomfortable this is making me.

Sounds as if its a part of her family's culture then? Has it started recently or has she always had this kind of tendency?

If its part of how her family has always behaved, then she'll probably percieve it as normative and see you as ultra-fussy, overmoralising etc.

I think an honest discussion about where her behaviour sits in relation to cultural norms (and the law) is needed - good luck

I think they have always done it.

She knows what the law is - her job makes her doing this all the more ironic.

Thank you for the advice. Discussion seems the way to go. I have said my piece for today. Next time we go to some such place I will bring it up again and make my point.

YANBU to object to her stealing.

YABU to refer to her as "the wife".

I have probably missed it but where is 'the wife' referred to, please?

Owning up, it's in the title.

It's in the title, Powerdresser.

weegiemum, I completely agree.

Yes I'm afraid that this is out-and-out theft. YANBU. I also wonder whether she has a problem.