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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to the wife 'liberating' things?

82 replies

BadLad · 17/09/2012 11:16

We've just had our first serious argument.

Every time we go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, DW smuggles some of the food out, specifically taking bags and tupperware for that purpose.

On one occasion, when it was also all-you-can-drink, she liberated a bottle of the sake that was available on a help-yourself basis.

When we go fruitpicking, she smuggles a load of it home. The system here is different to the UK, where if I remember correctly, you pay for what you pick. Here you can eat as many as you want for 30 minutes, but pay for what you take home, bought in the shop.

The most recent occasion has been a load of teabags, from a restaurant where, among other things, you can get your own exotic tea. These are individually wrapped, very very expensive looking ones, which would be pricey here. At the end of the meal, we were given two to take home. Which didn't excite DW very much, as she"d already half-inched fifty of them to take home.

These are for giving to her friends / colleagues. If she had taken one or two for her own use at home, I might only be disapproving rather than pissed off. The first time we were in this restaurant, she suggesting nicking one of the very nice plates.

Ever since an incident in my school days, where the whole class was threatened with expulsion and getting the police involved after someone nicked something on a school day out, I have long hated shoplifters and thieves in general.

I have told her before that I hate her doing this - this time I was really angry. I was able to make my point, but I can see she thinks I'm making fuss over nothing, and that I am on a high horse. Moral issues apart, I don't want to go to such places with her and worry about being seen and thrown out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 17/09/2012 14:47

PowerDresser in the title.

OP YANBU it is stealing but it seems as if to her family it's normal.

Inertia · 17/09/2012 14:49

YANBU, it's theft.

You should take what you reasonably expect to use while in the cafe.

Fruit picking- I think the owners expect people to try one or two strawberries etc before they buy them. Smuggling them out is stealing.

Next time you're with her and she does this, tell her that you plan to ask the cafe owner (or whoever) whether it's OK for your wife to help herself to this stuff. If they say yes fine. If they say no, then your wife should get the message that it's not acceptable and that they'll be watching closely, calling the police if necessary. If she asks you not to say anything , it becomes very clear that she knows damn well it's unacceptable.

GoldShip · 17/09/2012 14:49

Some people don't mind being called 'the wife'. For some it's a loving term.

Stop derailing from the issue at hand by bringing a feminist argument into it, sick of it happening on this forum more and more

BethFairbright · 17/09/2012 14:53

You don't own this forum Goldship. Some of us find the title 'the wife' bloody offensive and will object to it when we see it. All of us posting about that have also offered an opinion on the main issue, which is that Bad Lad's wife is a thief.

McHappyPants2012 · 17/09/2012 14:57

I think she needs a reality check.

what she is doing is stealing but she can not see what she is doing is wrong.

SoleSource · 17/09/2012 15:01

Are you both from different cultures? Wondering if that might have anything to do with it?

OhChristFENTON · 17/09/2012 15:01

YANBU

I hate this kind of behaviour, people feeling it is their right to steal in this way, and it's somehow funny that they're getting one over on the restaurant/ retailer, whoever. It is absolutely stealing and it would be a real deal-breaker for me tbh if DH did shit like that and couldn't see it was wrong, I would wonder what I'd married into.

Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:02

I really think she can see it - otherwise she presumably would do it nonchalantly and not wait until the fruit farmer / restaurant staff had turned their backs.

I think it's the scale of it that is really bothering me. I'd raise eyebrows at a solitary teabag or couple of strawberries pinched for herself to use at home, but really object to them being taken for other people who aren't patronising the place.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 17/09/2012 15:02

bethfairbright obviously I don't, just sick of 'the feminists' objecting at everything lately.

Like I said, you don't know she doesn't like it

Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:03

Solesource, yes, we are, but cultural attitudes to stealing are the same in both.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 17/09/2012 15:12

Ahh ok. Maybe she doesn't see it as steali g and neither does her culture? I agree with you BadLad.

Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:14

Stealing is a crime here, and even more frowned upon than in the UK.

That said, I am glad you (and everyone) agrees that I am not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 17/09/2012 15:15

I don't know. Playing devils advocate and not very well. I hope you get past it and does not break.you up if happy together othetwise.

Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:18

Thanks. We are otherwise very happy.

I think if it was just her it would be easier to solve - I could just make my point, but I really don't want to tell the whole clan of in-laws that I disapprove of it, as the fruit picking tends to be family outings together.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 17/09/2012 15:18

yadnbu.

its wrong and she knows its wrong.

weegiemum · 17/09/2012 15:19

Hooray¡ First time I've been called on being a feminist on MN!! I've arrived !!

SoleSource · 17/09/2012 15:19

If she is caught with the stuff, what may happen to her?

susiedaisy · 17/09/2012 15:21

YANBU

Titles a bitHmm

Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:23

I assume that the petty (and pathetic) nature of it would make it likely that they would just tell her to clear off rather than prosecute.

It would be highly embarrassing, and the irony is that she is very very careful not to commit any other sort of offence on the grounds that she would be sacked if caught. She pushes her bike rather than ride it if she has had so much of a sip of booze.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadLad · 17/09/2012 15:24

I honestly had no idea the title would offend anybody. I will remember in future.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 17/09/2012 15:24

Does sound like she's got a bit of a problem going on if she's nicking the crockery too, how embarrassing for you.

Secondsop · 17/09/2012 15:24

Badlad you're not being at all unreasonable. As to how to tackle it with her, if moral arguments really are holding no sway with her how about emphasising how awful it is for you? You mentioned that you don't like going to places with her because of her behaviour. Would she curb her behaviour if you told her how much it ruins your enjoyment of a meal out / fruit picking etc? I for one wouldn't be able to relax at all if I knew my husband could at any point be caught out for a load of food stashed away in Tupperware! Or you could take it a step further and say that you will not go anywhere with her unless she stops.

SoleSource · 17/09/2012 15:25

Other tning is that you could be accused of stealing with her. :( when you have not!

Bluegrass · 17/09/2012 15:26

Wondering if people objecting to the title would have preferred something like "Fed up with my thieving twat of a wife", but more Mumsnetty perhaps?

Bluegrass · 17/09/2012 15:26

"bit more" sorry!