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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to give my in laws our bed?

80 replies

smupcakes · 16/09/2012 13:33

My in laws are coming to stay with us for 3 weeks (we are overseas) later in the year.

We have a king sized bed and our guest room has a double. FIL is quite a big man (20 stone or more poss). DP thinks we should let them sleep in our bed.

I feel sad / like I'm being ousted in our own home. DP says if I'm uphappy we won't / it's fine but now I'm second guessing myself / like it's the right thing to do?

We slept in that bed for a year and it was OK - my DP isn't exactly small.

More of a what would you do, perhaps?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 17/09/2012 01:49

I wouldn't give up my bed, you have a double bed available. That should be good enough for two adults.

piprabbit · 17/09/2012 01:49

Your FIL's size/weight is a complete red herring. There is no reason why a larger person cannot sleep on a normal bed. I say this from personal experience.

I wouldn't routinely offer them the master bedroom in a holiday let that I was paying for. I would have the master room unless there was some practical reason (proximity to the children or similar) which made me want to swap.

bogeyface · 17/09/2012 01:56

You are paying so you get dibs on the bedrooms. In fact, I would shout "Bagsy" as you are getting in the car to go, just in case :o

Re: your bed, glad you have sorted it. For me my bed is personal, my space, my haven. I would only lend it out in the direst of circumstances and tbh I am not sure I would feel totally comfy in it again. But then I am not good at having houseguests, I really hate it. I would rather pay £££ for someone to stay in a hotel than stay in my home. I know that is probably OTT, but there you go!

Morloth · 17/09/2012 02:05

We always insist on our parents having the 'master' if we are away on holiday, that is just the way our families operate.

Given that our kids also make a beeline for grandparents instead of us, I consider this a small price. Wink

Secondsop · 17/09/2012 02:06

I wouldn't give up my bed where there is a perfectly good guest room, unless there were real extenuating circumstances (and a man being 20 stone isn't one of those, and in fact might he not be mortified if he found out that your partner thought he was too big to be comfy in what is after all a normal-sized bed? I know I would be!). Plus, a guest bedroom will be the guests' own sanctuary for the duration of the stay, somewhere where they can feel private without anyone having to come in and out to get their clothes, and where they can scatter their belongings around to their heart's content.

My sister and husband give up their bed for his elderly parents but that is purely because their bed is higher off the ground than the guest bed and it's hard for her father-in-law to get in and out of a low bed.

Secondsop · 17/09/2012 02:11

Re your second question: no I most certainly would not offer them the master in a holiday let I was paying for, unless there was a separate specific reason for doing so (eg if you wanted to be nearer the children and the second double suited that purpose better).

Original poster
smupcakes · 17/09/2012 03:34

piprabbit really? My DP thought that was the main issue? I'm surprised you think so!

Am surprised with the answers re the holiday let - I was sure I was going to be told VVVVunreasonable! Though not sure it matters because my DP would be mortified if I suggested WE had the sea view master bedroom with ensuite Hmm I'm sad because we wouldn't usually rent out such a nice place so it's not like we'll go back next year and stay again

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 17/09/2012 03:52

Hmm. I don't know re. the holiday let - filial duty and piety suggests that I would defer to my parents (as your DP seems intent on doing) in terms of the better room - but then OTOH, if I'd paid for it, I'd be right pissed off if I got the dingy little second bedroom instead.

So I'll go with the majority view and say if you've paid for it, you get first dibs on the best room. Only fair, IMO. That's what they do!

Stonefield · 17/09/2012 03:58

We make our inlaws stay in a B&B because we only have one bed and that's ours, and they wouldn't fit in DS's cot. But it's a great arrangement, heartily recommend it.

Original poster
smupcakes · 17/09/2012 04:29

Stonefield that would be my preference too as I'm highly antisocial. But DP was only just able to unattach from MIL's apron strings when we moved abroad so that would be an abhorrent suggestion I'm sure. Also, they're coming for 3 weeks only to see us so I think that may come across a bit unfriendly.

I really must relax and try and enjoy it when they're here. Repeat x 20

Thumbwitch I suspect they will say we should have it. Well, maybe not actually but I guess I should focus on the fact we'll be in a lovely spot and be a bit more generous in spirit!

OP posts:
Original poster
smupcakes · 17/09/2012 04:29

I guess my annoyance at the over reliant DP/parental relationship might be showing now! :S

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 17/09/2012 05:18

I've paid for a holiday cottage before for my parents, DSis + DBIL and us. We had the master suite. Parents had the room with two singles. That was because they thought DSis might feel bad that I had a double and she had singles so they wanted us both to have the same. I think they think we're going to suffer the same jealousies we had when we were 8. Grin

I would suggest it to your DH, you're not children any more.

KnickersNotPanties · 17/09/2012 05:59

Smupcakes, I've learned from bitter experience, that its better to spend more time enjoying the time together than fretting about the logistics.

I would have been exactly the same as you a few years back but having fallen out with MIL about silly arrangements and living to regret it when she passed away, I've come to see that it's not really that important.

If I were you, I'd ask myself why I had such an issue with showing deference to your DP's parents and if it really, truly is such a huge issue to support him on this. Would it really be such a huge deal to move a few of your things to your spare room and get the bigger room ready for them? A lovely vase of flowers, some nice fluffy towels and a welcome note?

It's what I'd do if I had my time again.

diddl · 17/09/2012 07:03

You pay-you get the master suite imo.

You are adults now & entitled to choose!

They´ve had their years of deciding where you sleep-in fact they still do if you stay with them at all.

They are your guests-they sleep where it´s convenient for all of you!

Quiteoldmother · 17/09/2012 08:04

We have no spare room and I hate moving out of our bedroom and having to sleep on lilo on living room floor....so now I book my parents into local Premier Inn when they visit (booking in advance to get a good deal). This works well from everyone's point of view.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 17/09/2012 08:16

I'd offer PIL the master bedroom in holiday let on same principle that I always offer MIL the front set of the car when we're travelling together. Respect, deference to age, pleases her and she then tries to insist I take it instead.

So far as offering your own room goes. No. I hate it. MIL always gives us her room when we visit and I'd much rather be In the spare room.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2012 08:53

I would never, in a million years, go on holiday with my ILs. That solves that problem.

weegiemum · 17/09/2012 09:11

Yes expat!
I once went on holiday with my mil, and another time with dh's brother and his wife. Nice though they are and we get on well I would never do it again.

gimmecakeandcandy · 17/09/2012 09:25

No no no way! And if I was your in laws I would not want you to give up your bed and would feel far more comfortable in the guest room so take comfort in that as I bet that's how they feel. Do not give up your bed! Your dh is being silly, this is your room and sanctuary and as a guest I would never want to take the master bed!

gimmecakeandcandy · 17/09/2012 09:29

Oh and of course you should have the master on hol if you paid! Again, your in laws should expect ansd want you to. My mil took us on holiday and paid and kindly gave us first choice on bedrooms but we choose the smaller bedroom as nearer the kids room but even though she paid she wanted us 'young uns' to choose which was really kind of her. If I had paid I would have expected to choose first.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 17/09/2012 09:33

Could you just swap the beds if he is determined to give them the bigger one? At least then youd stilk be in your owb room.

geegee888 · 17/09/2012 09:56

Don't give them your bed - he'll ruin it. And its too much of a personal imposition. If he needs a special bed due to his size, its up to him to make some effort towards his own needs.

Badgerina · 17/09/2012 10:11

I would if there wasn't a suitable bed for them, but since there is a perfectly adequate double, then no. It seems unnecessary. Caveat: If i liked and got on well with my in-laws (as indeed I do) then I would. I guess it also depends on the relationship you have with them.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2012 10:20

OP, I'd like for you to do a search on this board, for a thread with the words 'poo crumbs' in it. It is the story of ILs in a bed.

I shall say no more Wink, but you will never, ever loan out your bed again :o.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 17/09/2012 10:29

expat you beat me to it! Angry Grin