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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give my in laws our bed?

80 replies

smupcakes · 16/09/2012 13:33

My in laws are coming to stay with us for 3 weeks (we are overseas) later in the year.

We have a king sized bed and our guest room has a double. FIL is quite a big man (20 stone or more poss). DP thinks we should let them sleep in our bed.

I feel sad / like I'm being ousted in our own home. DP says if I'm uphappy we won't / it's fine but now I'm second guessing myself / like it's the right thing to do?

We slept in that bed for a year and it was OK - my DP isn't exactly small.

More of a what would you do, perhaps?

OP posts:

Original poster

smupcakes · 16/09/2012 14:12

slatternlymother - no no - first time here - DP wants them to enjoy it is all (as do I!) They haven't mentioned anything - and wouldn't. They're very polite.

OP posts:

slatternlymother · 16/09/2012 14:15

Oh well then, let them have the spare room. If they were staying in a hotel, they'd more than likely get a double bed anyway unless they paid extra. I think your DP is over thinking this.

Think of it the other way round; would you sleep in their bed?

Ephiny · 16/09/2012 14:16

I wouldn't, not if there's a perfectly good double bed in the guest room they can use.

JellyBellies · 16/09/2012 14:16

I think YABU. Sorry!
Your DH wants his parents to be as comfortable as possible in HIS house. (I know that it is equally yours but in this instance its relevant)
I would definitely offer, it's only for 2 weeks and if they are comfortable and happy, DH will be too and I think it will be a much easier visit all round.

nokidshere · 16/09/2012 14:20

Why does everything always have to be about agression?

I think its lovely that your DH is thinking of their comfort whilst they are with you - even if his solution isn't the best one.

Give them the guest room - they will be so happy to see you they wont be bothered about the sleeping arrangements. And, if it does become an issue during the holiday then you can work it out there and then.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/09/2012 14:21

DH is 16 stone, and a big bloke, and we share a small double bed quite happily. I really doubt your FIL and MIL can't do the same for a short period. Would it even occur to them to measure the beds and notice unless your DH said?!

Personally I would find it very uncomfortable to be in someone else's bedroom, I would feel as if I were invading their privacy.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 16/09/2012 14:26

Can see I'm in the minority but I'm with your DP.

My parents, who are getting on a bit, came to stay with us for a week recently. We gave them our super-king and slept in the double next door. My DP was the one to insist on it which I thought was lovely. They were immensely grateful and had a fabulous time, in fact my mum harped on about our hospitality so much it got right on my sisters wicks.

numbertaker · 16/09/2012 14:29

NO NO NO. I will not give up my bed. If people don't like it they can stay in a hotel.

I used to do this sort of thing because I thought it was the right thing to do, once you give in to this extent they always want more.

If they really want a good bed why dont they give you some money towards getting a bigger one.

KitCat26 · 16/09/2012 14:30

Let them have the spare bed, it will be fine.

I would and have given up my bed for my parents/grandparents/inlaws when we did not have a spare room and spare bed.

If there is a decent spare bed available there is absolutely no need to move out of your own space! (Especially for 3 weeks!)

numbertaker · 16/09/2012 14:31

this is from experience of living in a very desirable sea side location, and every weekend in summer having visitors. We moved back to the city and not one of them comes around, and thats been over ten years.

Say to yourself, I will not become a holiday destination.

Alligatorpie · 16/09/2012 14:50

Don't do it. I gave up my bed for the inlaws once - they get up every day at 6:00. The one day I had an appt and had to leave by 7:00, thru didn't get up. I knocked on the door, no answer. Finally dh went in and said I needed my clothes. Fil asked if I had knocked on the door about 10 minutes earlier - he heard me, but didn't answer the door.i could have killed him!

MeconiumHappens · 16/09/2012 14:56

Yanbu. Guest room, clue's in the name ;)

Ps, would hate someone else in my bed. Bleurgh.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/09/2012 15:01

They will be fine in the spare bed. If the spare bed was not very nice for some reason, I'd say your guests should have your bed. But it's a perfectly nice bed that is big enough for them, so there is no need to give up your bed at all.

If it turns out that they are very uncomfortable at night, then have a rethink when they are there, but there is no need to start out by giving them your bed.

Saltire · 16/09/2012 15:25

DH and I had this same discussion 2 years ago when FIl and SMIL decided to grace us with their presence. His dad is a big bloke, I mean huge, at least 26 stone.
Our bed is metal framed. is aid now ay was he sleeping in our bed he'd break it. DH went and bought some sheets of MDF or something to put between amttress and bedframe, but I wasn't very happy aobut it.

he said it wasn't fair that his dad and step mumshould have to sleep in asinlge bed in the spare room ( 2 singles in that room)
I said I didn't think he had a choice given that in 16 years he'd come to visit a maximum of 4 times

I am not ever doing it again, As far as I am concerned if they don't like it, stay in a hotel

BellaVita · 16/09/2012 15:30

I would not want anyone else sleeping in my bed.

You have a guest room, that should be perfectly acceptable.

End of.

brass · 16/09/2012 15:34

not for 3 weeks, you'd effectively be moving out.

travailtotravel · 16/09/2012 15:43

ooh, for a visit that long you'll need your "sanctuary" ... don't give it up. A double is perfectly comfy.

femalevictormeldrew · 16/09/2012 16:00

YANBU and I don't understand why your DH thinks they need your bed, when theres a perfectly good bed in a guestroom. Very strange.

carabos · 16/09/2012 16:10

YANBU. DH is like this. Whenever anyone comes to stay, no matter how long for, he suggests that we give them our bed. What is that about?

frankie4 · 16/09/2012 16:26

YANBU

When we go to stay with my MIL she has a king size bed and we sleep in the double in the spare room. She is single so has her bed to herself, and my DH is quite a large man so it is a squash for us in the double bed! But it would never occur to me that she should give up her bed for us - it is her own private bedroom and bed.

nocake · 16/09/2012 16:32

For their comfort and privacy they should have the spare room. It is then their space for three weeks and they won't have to worry about you needing to go in to get clothes.

DontmindifIdo · 16/09/2012 16:34

YANBU - your DH is thinking about this all wrong, you will be able to give them your bed to sleep in, but not the whole room as your stuff will be in it and you will regularly need to access the room. You'll need to go in every morning, most evenings, have to pop in to put washing away etc. OK for one or two nights, but for the long stay, it will mean they have no personal space. This way, if htey have the guest room, they don't just get the guest bed, they get the whole room, they have their own space for the duration of the stay - you wont need to pop in there while they are in there, they can go read or relax in that room if htey want some time away.

Oh, and the DH's with this attitude were probably DCs in households where people stayed when there wasn't a spare bed and were used to being the ones to go sleep on a camp bed while their visitors got their bed. People who grew up in houses with guest rooms or where people rarely visited, find it odd that the knee jerk reaction should be that the visitor should have the best bed in the house, rather than just the spare one.

Original poster

smupcakes · 17/09/2012 01:00

DontminditIdo - You're spot on, he's from a large family and whenever they had guests whichever child had the best room at the time was moved to the sofa, so I guess it's more normal for him. We rarely had guests when I was young and when we did we had a guest room too.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am committed to staying put now.

As it turns out DP has given this significantly less thought than I it appears - he says now 'he'd totally forgotten about it / wasn't thinking about it anymore after our initial conversation' and it's fine that I want to stay in our room ... I guess this highlights how we process things differently (to say the least!)...

OP posts:

Morloth · 17/09/2012 01:13

I think if there is a 'normal' bed available for them then YANBU.

When we were in London and my inlaws came to stay we did used to give them our bed, because the alternative was a airbed on the floor and neither of them could manage that very well.

We now have a 'real' bed available (actually our old one) so I don't give mine up anymore.

Original poster

smupcakes · 17/09/2012 01:39

Right - so now onto the next issue - would you offer them the master bedroom in the holiday home you paid for (very much our annual holiday) and take the second double for yourself?

This question was prompted by slatternlymother's question - would they do the same for you? As when we've been on holiday with them in the UK and they paid we had the smallest bedroom and they had this enormous master suite? We did all live in the UK at the time...

I think we're still very much 'the children' in their eyes despite quickly approaching 30 (6 months for DP)?

I think here we should try and do the best we can for them since they're travelling a long way to visit - and I'm almost certain we will but just wanting other's views on it really.

OP posts:

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