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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DP's DD

77 replies

enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 12:09

My DP is foreign and so his daughter lives abroad...his exP is a bitch and always tries to ruin his life, she's tried to add me countless times on MSN and FB (now have stopped her from trying to add me) and she's never met me.

She doesn't let DP see his daughter and now she's found out that we have a daughter she wants more money and is planning to go through the courts (they had an informal arrangement) my MIL pays for all her school items, looks after her, takes her out places whilst his exP and DH smoke weed and generally waste money.

AIBU to be pissed off at the whole situation?? I want to support my DP as much as I can, he'd love to bring her back her, which I would 100% support but they don't give the father any rights so we know there's no point of trying.

Also AIBU to think that DP shouldn't have to pay anything at all as none of the money goes to the DD as it goes on drugs. Would it stand up in court if we gave her things the money should be spent on ie school uniform, clothes etc as child maitenance? Would it BU to suggest this?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/09/2012 12:11

See a solicitor.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 12:13

He should be paying for his DD and from what you've said, paying formally through the courts is probably the best idea.

What the mother does with the money or what the MIL pays for is out of your DH's control.

Harsh but true.

SummerSolstice · 15/09/2012 12:15

I think your DP should be hugely concerned that the person mainly responsible for caring for his child is taking drugs with her partner. He should be back in the country doing all he can to improve his daughter's situation. As a side point, his daughter still needs clothing, food and a roof over her head - yes, he should be contributing towards her keep. Poor, poor child.

Imagine having a mother and step-father who abuse drugs, and a father who lives in another country, rarely visits and doesn't want to contribute?

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 12:17

Oh and I'm not advocating the smoking of weed but plenty of parents here on MN have admitted to doing it.

As long as they're not doing it around the child and the child is looked after, you may find it's no different to drinking alcohol.

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 12:43

Except of course, alcohol is legal

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 12:46

Well yes but in terms of what the OP is talking about, I don't really think that makes much difference...it's more about the fact they're smoking it at all I think?

OP what country are they in?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 12:55

Smoking weed is illegal in the country. The problem with going through the courts is that it's not the same as here, the child has to stay with the mother, fathers have no rights.

summer he WANTS to contribute, he WANTS to contact her, he WANTS to talk to her on the phone, he WANTS to take her on holiday he is NOT ALLOWED to as his exP won't let him. The DD wouldn't know her real Dad if he passed in the street as she's been told her stepdad is her real dad...

The first thing my DP told me when we got together was about his DD

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 12:56

What country is this?

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 12:57

Can't your dp see his dd when mil has her?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 12:57

Portugal

OP posts:
mum11970 · 15/09/2012 13:00

If you live in another country and your dp never sees or speaks to his daughter how on earth do you know his exP smokes weed around her?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 13:00

blackberryice no, whenever he goes to there exP takes DD away and doesn't let her go there, he tried talking on webcam but exP found out and went ballistic

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 13:00

How old is she? What is the reasoning behind the ex wanting more money?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 13:01

mum MIL can smell it on her clothes and told my DP

OP posts:
Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 13:04

blackberryice she is 6. The ex wants more money as she's found out that we have a newborn (my first) and quit her job...

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 15/09/2012 13:07

If her mother wants to pretend that your DP doesn't exist, and has told their daughter that her stepfather is her father, why did she try and add you on FB? Sure she runs the risk of DD asking who you are or something? If she wants nothing to do with your DP it seems a weird thing to do?
How do you know they do drugs? And what jurisdiction would a Portuguese court have over someone here anyway? or is your DP a Portuguese citizen?
I take it MiL is in Portugal too?
Let his ex go through the courts, and get it all sorted out legally. The court will take your daughter into account as she is just as much your DPs responsibility as his other daughter. Tell his ex that there will be no more money without a court order, then put the money he normally pays into a savings account (or give it quietly to MiL/buy clothes etc for the girl and give those through MiL) for when everything is sorted.
If she actually is on drugs and just wants the money, she will capitulate, and since she won't let your DP see the child anyway, he has nothing to lose. She can't cut him off any further.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 13:09

How does smelling weed on her clothes equate to her actually smoking it?

She may well be around others who smoke

gordyslovesheep · 15/09/2012 13:12

wow - be very careful about believing everything people say about their ex's - unless YOU actually know all this stuff for a FACT back off and leave them to it.

I am sure my ex tell his GF I ruined his life etc etc - all bullshit I am afraid

go to court and let them deal with it

mum11970 · 15/09/2012 13:13

If his dd thinks her step father is her real father who does she think mil is?

SaraBellumHertz · 15/09/2012 13:13

Hmmm well to be fair if a man that my 6 year Old DD didn't know was her father started trying to contact her without my permission via a webcam I would go ballistic.

Your DP needs to start paying for his DD.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:16

I find it odd that you didn't add her on fb and that the MIL will bad mouth her DD, but not facilitate contact between your DP and his DD, tbh.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 13:20

The problem with going through the courts is that it's not the same as here, the child has to stay with the mother, fathers have no rights.

Have you double checked this with a Solicitor? I admit I know very little about these things but being as though Portugal is part of Europe, I'd be very surprised if your DP has no rights at all?

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:24

The only way that your DP would have no rights is because he didn't push for them or got them annulled becuase he didn't want to formally pay for his child and was happy that the SD took over.

You were both in the wrong for not having his ex informed that her child had a half sibling.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:26

"The problem with going through the courts is that it's not the same as here, the child has to stay with the mother, fathers have no rights"

Read my above post.

PR worksin Portugal the similar to how it does in the UK.

The child has rights, but the parents can decide to remove them, if one of them wants to give up PR.

It sounds as though your DP did.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:28

In situations of divorce by mutual consent, or legal separation by mutual consent, the parents will agree upon the new system of exercising parental responsibility.

Perhaps your DP did that on coming to the UK and getting a new start.

Perhaps he told his ex that he didn't want to be a father and she is now bitter as he has chosen to be a father once again, but her child is the loser.

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