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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DP's DD

77 replies

enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 12:09

My DP is foreign and so his daughter lives abroad...his exP is a bitch and always tries to ruin his life, she's tried to add me countless times on MSN and FB (now have stopped her from trying to add me) and she's never met me.

She doesn't let DP see his daughter and now she's found out that we have a daughter she wants more money and is planning to go through the courts (they had an informal arrangement) my MIL pays for all her school items, looks after her, takes her out places whilst his exP and DH smoke weed and generally waste money.

AIBU to be pissed off at the whole situation?? I want to support my DP as much as I can, he'd love to bring her back her, which I would 100% support but they don't give the father any rights so we know there's no point of trying.

Also AIBU to think that DP shouldn't have to pay anything at all as none of the money goes to the DD as it goes on drugs. Would it stand up in court if we gave her things the money should be spent on ie school uniform, clothes etc as child maitenance? Would it BU to suggest this?

OP posts:
NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:23

and then badmouth and spread nasty rumours about the mother of their kid to their new partner?

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 14:24

So think ahead. What is his proposals to court for contact? How foes he intend to facilitate it?

WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:25

He has already lied to you. He has you beleiving that he couldn't have done anything because fathers have no rights there. Its simply not true.

Funny how he's only going to court once you are there to push him? You keep saying he wants to see his daughter, yet he lives in another country and has never tried to get access. How much can he care?

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 14:29

"how many English men work abroad for a year"

But this is usually after securing PR and being around enough to have a bond with the child.

"That she's asking for more since she quit the job"

She can only claim what she is entitled to, whether she works or not, he should have been paying that amount.

He has to give her the money, not send over goods that he thinks the DD needs.

mamalovesmojitos · 15/09/2012 14:30

Just to add - it's not illegal to smoke hash in Portugal so I don't think there's anything you can do about that issue.

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 14:31

Op. He is stepping up now

Well done for supporting him.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 14:32

OP you are right about one thing, after leaving the country as soon as his DD was born, not having a formal agreement and having no contact for 6 years, the courts won't grant him rights to take the child out of the country and nor should they.

You say that she is going through the courts, why the hell are you not ok with this?

Why are you not adding her, so that you can speak to her?

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:33

the hash smoking is by the by anyway (interesting tho mama!) - what is obvious from reading between the lines of the OP is that here is a sorry little man spinning his new partner a line, which she appears to have been taken in by.

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:35

Why are you not adding her, so that you can speak to her?
because she is a "bitch who always tried to ruin his life"
gah. I am off shopping, can't read this nonsense any longer!

WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:37

Actually thats not quite true about hash in Portugal. It is still illegal, however personal consumption does not attract a conviction or a sentence. You can however be referred to rehab, psychologists, and it can be noted and will show up on job applications. Anything over a small amount will get you hauled away though, with a trafficking or cultivation conviction that is sentenced harshly.
The SS equivalent would still be interested in parents smoking near or in charge of children as well.

headinhands · 15/09/2012 14:39

What sounds so fishy is how utterly awful the ex is being painted. Your partner has got you calling her names even though you have never met the woman. Your husband is portraying himself as a victim and you're buying into it with relish. Your partner needs to go through the courts but he seems reluctant to, and that makes me suspicious too. You really think someone would quit a job because their ex in a different country has had another baby? I get the feeling your MIL had some issue with her sons ex and is now having fun playing you all off eachother. How did they find out about the new baby?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:40

Wish I hadn't put anything about DP, everyone seems bitter towards him. Why can't you listen, he's done everything he can. He hasn't lied to me. Did you know that you can pay off the police to let you off the hook in portugal?

How has he lied to me. ExP is arranging court as she wants more money, I've seen the standing order to her go out of his account every month, I've heard the phone conversations, I've never pushed him to do anything. For me it'd be easier if he had forgotten his DD, but he refuses to give in over the situation.

He had worked in other countries since he was 16 for 6-months to a year a time, Germany, Italy, Spain (and he'd been with his exP since 16 too) so she knew he works abroad for periods at a time, he would have been working in England at that time regardless as he was trying to set up a future for them two.

If the man had gone off and took all the savings to set up house with new bird then you'd be hating him, she did this to him. And it's not lies when you've seen the proof...

But tbh this thread has made me realise that IABU and selfish for even thinking about trying to help SUPPORT DP which is surely what you'd all be asking my DP to do if I was in his situation no??

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/09/2012 14:42

I haven't the slightest reason to be bitter to your DP; I've never met him.

The problem is, he's not coming across well from what you say.

He may be a delightful man, and his ex may be a horrible person and a rotton mother. But we can only see what you're saying about them and go from that.

I do judge her for going off with someone else while he was away, of course I do. But his little girl cannot help what her mother does, and it really does sound as if he did not do everything he could to stay in her life, and you sound as if you resent paying more for her welfare. Sorry, you may not be but that's how it comes across to me.

WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:42

Nobodies bitter towards him. Of course he has lied to you, he told you had no rights so no point trying. Not true.

You want to know if you should support your DP. To do what? He hasn't actually done anything, has he? You say his daughter is being raised by drug addicts and his maintenance used for drugs. Answer this: when was the last time he saw her?

mamalovesmojitos · 15/09/2012 14:45

apologies, the decriminalization bill means that possession ( of small amounts) is changed from a criminal offence to an administrative one. I certainly have been given the impression of a tolerant attitude towards weed while regularly visiting there (even though I dont partake). I didn't mean to mislead. Anyway, who knows if it's relevant here as none of us really know if the couple in qa are smoking enough and regularly enough for the authorities to intervene.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 14:48

ExP is arranging court as she wants more money

She will only get what she is entitled to, What is your problem with that?

Especially since she has been a LP.

Sorry but your DP should have gained joint PR from when the child was born, especially as he was working away.

You don't know how much your MIL is doing, it may be no more than any hands on GM.

You seem bitter about going back to work, tbh.

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:50

Why should I accept a friend request from someone who when I try to talk to her on the phone she hangs up? Is a phone not a reasonable way of getting to know someone instead of facebook where she'll see every aspect of my life?

I am not some bimbo that has been "taken in" by a spin of lies. I have researched the situation. I have a brain cell. I actually have several brain cells. I just wanted to know if IWBU in not wanting to bother with courts, to sort things out outside court. He wants to go to court.

OP posts:
WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:52

He wants to go to court now but only when the ex started court proceedings. Very proactive.
When was the last time he saw his daughter?

Oh, and do you speak portuguese?

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/09/2012 14:53

I want to believe you but Mum11970 has a point, can you answer this question of hers: If his dd thinks her step father is her real father who does she think mil is?

Also as someone else said, can he not see her when MIL has her?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/09/2012 14:56

You can restrict what different people see on facebook. It does seem off that she's hanging up on the phone - but you could ask her why she does that if she wants to be on facebook? Could it be a language thing?

I can see it's not great, it's just it's not the child's fault and she seems to be the one losing out here.

headinhands · 15/09/2012 14:58

As birds said, the courts will only order what he should be paying.

"For me it'd be easier if he had forgotten his DD"

I think this is the crux of the issue. You resent him having a previous dd and it makes it easier for you to imagine the ex as thoroughly vile. Chances are op she's just like you, just a mum going about her business and trying to make ends meet. Why didn't you add her on FB?

So she started a new relationship. It happens. You say he found out when he got back? Was he not talking to her on a daily basis? Imagine you started a relationship and moved away. Would you not expect your dp to do more to secure access to your child than he has with her older sister?

Sorry op but this has more flags than the Olympics opening ceremony.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 16:10

Why should I accept a friend request from someone who when I try to talk to her on the phone she hangs up? Is a phone not a reasonable way of getting to know someone instead of facebook where she'll see every aspect of my life?

Because obviously she wants to contact you otherwise she wouldn't have requested you.

What I cant' understand is how you can say you want to support your DP, but you won't 'speak' to her in a facebook/MSN message.

Are you afraid to hear something you'd much rather not? Like her side of the story for example?

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 16:20

Op has already said she has tried to have a good old fashioned phone conversation with her!

Why should it be fb/msn when she is open to actually speaking to her?

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2012 16:22

Because I suppose it's easier to type out what you want to say...it can be less emotive that way and also there may be a language barrier.

LydiasMiletus · 15/09/2012 16:32

So who does the child think the mil is?