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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DP's DD

77 replies

enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 12:09

My DP is foreign and so his daughter lives abroad...his exP is a bitch and always tries to ruin his life, she's tried to add me countless times on MSN and FB (now have stopped her from trying to add me) and she's never met me.

She doesn't let DP see his daughter and now she's found out that we have a daughter she wants more money and is planning to go through the courts (they had an informal arrangement) my MIL pays for all her school items, looks after her, takes her out places whilst his exP and DH smoke weed and generally waste money.

AIBU to be pissed off at the whole situation?? I want to support my DP as much as I can, he'd love to bring her back her, which I would 100% support but they don't give the father any rights so we know there's no point of trying.

Also AIBU to think that DP shouldn't have to pay anything at all as none of the money goes to the DD as it goes on drugs. Would it stand up in court if we gave her things the money should be spent on ie school uniform, clothes etc as child maitenance? Would it BU to suggest this?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:29

That was taken from Portugal Child Law, similar to the Children Act in the UK.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 13:32

If the parents were not married but live together, and have declared before the official of the Registry Office that they wish to jointly exercise parental responsibility over their child, then parental responsibility belongs to both

Your DP isn't telling you the whole truth.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/09/2012 13:34

You've never met her, you won't add her on facebook, yet you know she's a 'bitch'?

How?

From him?

I would be deeply wary of a man who cannot maintain a decent relationship with the mother of his child and who calls her a 'bitch' to his new partner. Of course, she may be a horrible person, but you don't know that, do you?

cansu · 15/09/2012 13:38

I think you are acting on second hand information from a biased source ie your MIL. you have never met your partners ex and it sounds as if your dp has had very little contact and has not been paying proper maintenance for his dd based on the fact that mil contributes or buys gifts for the child. Saying the mother is on drugs based on what the mil told you is very stupid. I think your dp should start paying proper maintenance and if he wants to have contact with his daughter should apply to the courts to have some. However I would not advise such a confrontational attitude as you have displayed in your OP.

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 13:43

sorry but it sounds as though your partner is full of shit

maristella · 15/09/2012 13:48

I'd be very wary of any parent who moves to another country leaving their child behind TBH, hardly a demonstration of good parenting

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 13:48

he'd love to bring her back her, which I would 100% support but they don't give the father any rights so we know there's no point of trying
is that what he told you?

WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 13:51

So he left his kid and moved to another country and never sees her, never tried to get legal contact, and wants to stop paying money?

He's a peach, ain't he? Good luck for the future, you'll need it. Hmm

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:02

The courts are gradually changing. Because the arrangement was INFORMAL orginally the exP called the shots. MIL does not bad mouth exP she is just worried about her GD.

Those who said he ought to start paying read my post correctly, he IS paying, she wants MORE.

ExP will have to let my DP see his daughter if it goes to court.

He wishes he'd gone to court originally.

He is Portuguese citizen still not UK. Reason for coming to UK-to work here for a year to earn a massive wage to give his DD and exP a better life. She had an affair during this period, then took all the money he'd saved and set up house with this man who is now her DH.

Those writing that DP should do more-this wasn't what I asked, he is doing more and co-operating with everything that exP is asking and has paid for DD all his life and has never stopped trying to contact his DD. IT'S ME who's wondering if IBU for getting pissed off with her making it so difficult and pissed off because she's found out we have a DD and making the situation worse. We want our DD to know she has a half sister but exP is trying to make it impossible.

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 14:05

So what happens when his year is up?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:05

He didn't tell me that we couldn't bring her back, this was for citizens advice. We asked how likely it was.

Wish people would read properly, he is paying, he wants to pay, I wondered if it'd be better not to pay and actually buy the things that the DD needs!!!

Thank you to those who read the post PROPERLY and has given me some helpful advice Smile

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/09/2012 14:05

If you go through the courts, they will judge what's a fair amount for him to pay.

I get why you're wanting to say what a nice bloke he is, but it is hard to like the sound of someone who refers to his ex as a 'bitch'. That is horrible. It's his child's mother.

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:07

well he still left them,and that's only his side of the story. Her story would be quite different. It just amuses me to hear women regurgitating these half stories as though they are truth......

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:09

His year was when his DD was just born (so 6 years ago), he went back to find all this had happened. After trying to sort it all etc he moved back to UK, he had nothing in Portugal, she'd taken everything.

Under EU laws he can live in this country, he works and pays taxes the exact same as us.

OP posts:
WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:09

Cos every absentee Dad is always so truthful about the reasons why.....

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2012 14:10

"Because the arrangement was INFORMAL orginally the exP called the shots"

Why was the arangement ever informal?

"Reason for coming to UK-to work here for a year to earn a massive wage to give his DD and exP a better life"

Why was he not registered as the father and therefor having equal PR?

"and has never stopped trying to contact his DD"

The actions of a repsonsible parent who wants to be part of their child's life, isn't to leave the country that the child lives in.

"then took all the money he'd saved"

The money he earned by leaving her as a LP and used to to house her DD.

Your DP chose for his DD to not know who he is.

To answer your question, it is in his ex's right to seek a formal agreement, even if that puts up the money that he has to pay and YABU to be 'pissed'.

WhatYouLookingAt · 15/09/2012 14:10

He had nothing in Portugal? He had a child! He left the country without seeking legal access.

ModernToss · 15/09/2012 14:10

Exactly. I'd be taking the whole tale with a massive pinch of salt.

NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:12

so as soon as his partner had given birth, he fucked off?

Thumbwitch · 15/09/2012 14:12

www.international-divorce.com/ca-portugal.htm
Worth reading this I think, OP.
I do think you need to contact a solicitor who has abilities in European law as well and get this sorted out. Your DP is not going to be able to bring his DD out of Portugal without her mother's full consent, however and there is next to no point in trying that unless the mother is seriously, criminally negligent of his DD.

So your DP is paying informally for his DD, is he?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 15/09/2012 14:13

'Nothing'? What do you mean - his daughter was there! And he had an 'informal' arrangement ... why would he not insist on seeing her?

This sounds very fishy to me, sorry, I am sure your DP seems like a very nice person to you but this is not, IMO, the way a decent parent acts.

If he is genuinely worried his DD is being brought up by drug addicts, why is his first priority what to spend his money for her on and to resist giving any more? Why isn't he up in arms in the courts fighting to get her back?

BlackberryIce · 15/09/2012 14:13

To bs fair, he needs to be in a position to get to know his dd before he can bring her to uk for holidays. He needs to be building up contact and spending time with her regularly before he can take her anywhere! She needs to be comfortable with her dad, know him and trust him

He can't do that with skype and phonecalls can he?

Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:18

Nellyjob how many English men work abroad for a year (sometimes more or less) to provide a better life for their partner and DC LOTS, so you're saying the mothers have been left and should set up home with someone else??? What reason does my DP have to lie? I could understand hin lying if he didn't want to see DD, but he does, I've SEEN him trying. We've sought advice TOGETHER. Not all men are lying twunts.

feministdragon he doesn't call her that, I called her that on here as feeling a bit exhasperated (sp?) That she's asking for more since she quit the job (I have to go back to work as won't be able to afford to live once SMP finishes, so why has she quits her job when she needs the money??) So maybe IABU Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
enteramusingnamehere · 15/09/2012 14:21

blackberryice she's still not letting DP see her at all, yet is demanding even more money...we have all the equipment ready to send. Looks like we're headed to court...

OP posts:
NellyJob · 15/09/2012 14:22

enteramusingnamehere how many men fuck off as soon as their partners have given birth?

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