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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

at wot age do u stop worrying or caring bout ur kids

65 replies

deedge · 15/09/2012 05:11

my only daughter is 20 and has left home yet again after being caught stealing and lying and clearing out my bank account leaving me and the boys with no money all for a boy/man who already has a child that he doesnt pay for or sees, she has told that many lies that her brothers now dont want anything to do with her and to be truthful at the min i dont even like her, do i just let her get on with things and hope she cums to her senses or do i try to make her see sense, this is effecting our home life as the 2 eldest boys 22 and 14 dont want anything to do with her but the youngest 7 misses her as they were always close

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 15/09/2012 06:19

I don't understand how she cleared out your bank account, have you given her your PIN numbers? if so, change them and keep them private.
At 20, she seems to be wanting to live her own life and make her own choices, I'd give my opinion and then let her be. Are you prepared to have her back if her experiment goes wrong, or help her to find accommodation if she needs it?
So that she knows despite her current horribleness, that you do love her and care about her even if you dislike what she's doing at the moment.
Is she likely to choose to become pregnant by this man? That would be something I'd discourage until she has been in a stable relationship for a while.
Does she have a job, or any other interests other than this new relationship?

Nagoo · 15/09/2012 07:37

safeguard your bank accounts right now!

And everything else that woffling said.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 10:55

i have but the boys now hate her and shes the only girl, how do i get every1 2 make up yet again

OP posts:
WofflingOn · 15/09/2012 10:59

You don't, she needs to make her own choices.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 11:01

i have always changed my bank, credit card and postie cards to same number, easier 4 me to remember, the boy/man she is with now is her 1st in every way and his family threw him out and because o meg i took him into my home and the boys went out o there way to make him feel like he belonged, his family moved away over 80 miles and never supported them, now ive heard his family threw him out and the've left alot o debt in there name at my house, do i try an pay it, im a single mum, my 22 just moved back home last yr

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 15/09/2012 11:03

Sounds like your sons are seeing her for what she is and you are somewhat blinkered by a mother's love. You can't get them to make up, they object to what she did and have every right to do so. Just because you are prepared to forgive her, doesn't mean they are. You trying to insist on it will only alienate your sons further as they will see that you prefer your only daughter to them - that's how you come across anyway, and if I see that in one post, I daresay it will be pretty damn obvious to your sons.

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 11:03

I would go to the police if anyone did that to me. Family or not.

WofflingOn · 15/09/2012 11:05

Your posts are hard to understand OP, if they have created debt in their name, it is their problem not yours, so why would you be fussing around trying to pay it back?

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 11:06

Tell her u lv her and when she changes her behaviour u will b there for her, till that time she is on her own.

Hugs x

Mrsjay · 15/09/2012 11:07

you never stop worrying about them but there has to come a time when you stop bailing them out and letting them rule the family life like that, she is 20 she has to make her own choices, oh and change your bank details your daughter and her boyfriend are taking the piss don't pay their debts ,

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 11:10

do u ever stop feelin guilty, i never had the close mother daughter relationship u c on tv an in films, i feel so guilty, i feel as if ive let her down, i dont seriously no how we r ever going to cum back from this, but i still miss her and am soooooo angry still with her at the same time if that makes sense

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 11:12

OP, please can you just type the words properly.. it is like reading the ramblings of a 14yo on facebook.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 11:13

You make sence to me OP as I can read textspeak, not everyone can. I am on a smartphone too. Report your post and ask to move to relationships OP.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 11:16

she sent a note that she thought i'd always put the boys before her, it upsets me that the boys have barred her number on there fones, i did fone ther police but dropped the charges, i cant pay there debt but feel like i should try so she doent end up with bad credit, the kids dad is no help, hes with sum1 else and doesnt really want to be bothered with this shit (his words not mine) which makes me feel worse

OP posts:
Nagoo · 15/09/2012 11:31

If you bail her out all the time she will never learn responsibility.

All you can do is be there with a hot dinner when she needs it. Do not give her money and bail her out.

She will have to learn independence. She is playing on your guilt. Loving her doesn't mean doing everything she wants.

HecateHarshPants · 15/09/2012 11:33

You think you are being a kind and good mother by protecting her - but you are not. You would be a better parent by forcing her to accept the consequences of her actions.

She is a thief. She needs to be prosecuted.

I know it goes against everything that feels right as a mother, but being a parent means making hard choices. It means letting them hate you because you are looking at the bigger picture.

Your daughter is a thief. If you protect her - what has she learned? When she does this again, because you have taught her that she can do it and get away with it - what then? What if she steals from someone else?

You are not doing the best thing for her by trying to protect her like this.

She could face the consequences of what she has done, take the punishment and learn from it and come out of it a better person. She may hate you for a while, but if that's the price you have to pay for stopping her from being a thief - isn't it worth it?

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 15/09/2012 11:36

You cannot get everyone to make up until she accepts that her behaviour is inexcusable and takes steps to make amends. You can draw a line in the sand, so to speak, and make her responsible for her behaviour every time she steps over it. So long as you keep protecting her, she has no incentive to change.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 11:37

I asked this to be moved for you op.

Your dd has no respect for you. I was where you are a right softie, not anymore. You will be a forever victim if you don't get tough. Before the police route try tough love.

Protect yourself and change bank details etc.

If you pm me I can recomend some books.

Trazzletoes · 15/09/2012 11:38

If she gets bad credit, it's her own fault for running up debts she can't pay. Take a step back, allow her to make her own mistakes and learn from them. She is an adult. She'll only keep treating you like a mug as long as you let her. I'll say it again... She is an adult! You don't need to keep babying her.

ZeldaUpNorth · 15/09/2012 11:39

What would a 36+ year old (which is the minimum you would have to be to have a 20 yo) be typing in text speak? I'm only 30 and can type normally.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 11:42

Do your ds hate what their ds did and cut her off due to you telling them?

If that is the case then shame on you being a weak Mother who damages sibling relationships and pretends you are a helpless victim, you are going to be in your late thirties at least, you should not have allowed this dysfunction.

You as the parent need to correct the childlike behaviour, triangulation and grow up, to grow up you may need councelling or brutal MN honnesty.

Nagoo · 15/09/2012 11:43

can we drop the txtspk stuff now? The OP has bigger things to worry about.

scaevola · 15/09/2012 11:44

Where does your DD's boyfriend live now?

Reall life isn't TV or films, so it isn't remotely helpful to try to measure your life by fiction.

She has stolen from you. You need to change all the passwords to protect your money, and work out a repayment plan with her asap.

You cannot make your children like each other, but you can insist on civilised behaviour under your roof. And that has to include not stealing from the other occupants. Do not let her get away with trying to blame you for her thieving - tell her that what she thinks about your having favourites is ridiculous, but even if something so silly could be true, it's never a justification for theft.

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 12:15

*Do your ds hate what their ds did and cut her off due to you telling them?

If that is the case then shame on you being a weak Mother who damages sibling relationships and pretends you are a helpless victim, you are going to be in your late thirties at least, you should not have allowed this dysfunction.*

A bit harsh surely?
I expect the eledest son at least will have sussed out everything on his own. It's pretty hard to hide the fact that someone has stolen, lied and cleaned out your bank account leaving you with no money.

The 14 year old will have figured it out too - the Daughter stole. That sort of gets noticed don't you think?

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 12:18

That was to MyNeighbour by the way.

OP - you never stop caring but you can stop letting her hurt you by leaving her to it.

Your sons have probably had enough - they may never want to have anything to do with her again and you cannot force it. Equally, she may sort herself out and bridges may be mended. Time will tell.