Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

at wot age do u stop worrying or caring bout ur kids

65 replies

deedge · 15/09/2012 05:11

my only daughter is 20 and has left home yet again after being caught stealing and lying and clearing out my bank account leaving me and the boys with no money all for a boy/man who already has a child that he doesnt pay for or sees, she has told that many lies that her brothers now dont want anything to do with her and to be truthful at the min i dont even like her, do i just let her get on with things and hope she cums to her senses or do i try to make her see sense, this is effecting our home life as the 2 eldest boys 22 and 14 dont want anything to do with her but the youngest 7 misses her as they were always close

OP posts:
Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 12:18

the problem was that both her an her big brother not only stole off me but there wee brothers in the past, i forgave both of them, they had both been put out of the house but where callum grew up and is now to this day still trying to make up for wot he did, (money wise treating the younger boys if he's spare cash) and being a grown up meg has shown no remorse or anything for her behaviour. I'm not saying i'm mother theresa or was in my youth, but i think wot she has done again shows that i went wrong sumwhere and to be truthful i miss my daughter, the byfriend lives lives with a well known junkie in the area and im worried she'l end up in drugs, do i just tell the boys im telling her to cum home and make the house unhappy or let her get on with things

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 15/09/2012 12:20

hat would a 36+ year old (which is the minimum you would have to be to have a 20 yo) be typing in text speak? I'm only 30 and can type normally.

Oh shhhh now If you can't read it move on a human being is asking for help and all you are worried about is text speak,

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 12:21

cum is sperm OP, do you mean come?

MadgeHarvey · 15/09/2012 12:24

Can you pack it in now with the weird-speak OP? cum?? What the fuck? Stop using that word when what you mean is come.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 12:27

i can assure u "my neighbour" i am not weak, by the way i am 43, sorry if you want me to type as if i am writing you a letter but i find it easier to cut a few corners as i have 3 boys still to look after. i was actually after some good advice about my situation, i am finding things extremely hard as it is my only daughter and i would like us to be close again

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 15/09/2012 12:27

Well I guess you just have to be there when ready and siblings will have to make up in their own time. What has triggered this behavior or has she been like this for a while?

HecateHarshPants · 15/09/2012 12:28

I have a friend who must be 60 if she is a day, who uses text speak, so I would not presume that someone cannot be old and use text speak. It is simply not an indicator of age. Although i do understand that it is tempting to assume that textspeak and things like 'wot' for what and 'cum' for come = youth, it is not always the case.

MadgeHarvey · 15/09/2012 12:28

I'm sure we all appreciate that you're having a hard time. However, typing C O M E is no harder than C U M and the two words do not mean the same thing.

imnotmymum · 15/09/2012 12:29

As a point my Mum always texts in textspeak whereas I cannot bring myself to do it. Horses for courses and really should not be judgy as this is not the OP point.

WofflingOn · 15/09/2012 12:30

You have three boys to look after? Confused
You have one child, one teenager and a man of 22.
You need to accept that they are growing up and becoming independent, and the only way to have a close relationship in the future is to let them have some space to mature and form an adult relationship with you.

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 12:36

OP - is there any relative who might be willing and able to get through to her?

Maybe even take her in? Someone she would listen to?

It must be hurtful but siblings don't always get on even under the best of circumstances Sad.

She may have to hit rock bottom before she can rise up again - I saw that with a relative of mine.

I hope she sorts herself out OP, I really do, but you may have to stand by and just wait it out. Sad

scaevola · 15/09/2012 12:38

So she's been stealing from you persistently, and at least one of her siblings has done too.

I suggest that you stop looking for an emotional fix of feeling close to your DD and have a hard look at what if anything, can still be done to turn their behaviour round.

You cannot control what they do away from your premises, nor can you realistically even try. In terms of the drugs issue, think you will just have to rely on what you instilled into them during their teens. But you can decide who lives in your house, and what standards of behaviour are accepted there. You can start with 'no one steals', and you need to think about what other behaviours you will no longer out up with. As the problems are long-standing, this won't turn round easily, so perhaps better not to attempt to fix everything at once.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 12:39

i no, and am sorry if i get frustrated and come over cheeky, im frustrated trying to talk to boys about meg and them shutting it down, i no u cant please every1 all o the time but its there only sister, an no im not an over protective mum, the kids have there own space (esp the older 1's), but when ur natural instinict is to reach out an try to make everything better its hard not to, my mum, sisters, brothers and her dads side of the family have washed there hands, i feel we r all she has, am i tryin to hard

OP posts:
MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 12:45

Two repeated mistakes you also make OP,their and know, if you keep a notebook and note down continual mistakes it helps people understand you, speaking as a dyslexic.

It helps if like others you use a full stop to end a sentence, then two spaces and a capital letter for a new sentence.

If you don't make an effort you come across as plain lazy and not caring that those of whon you are asking to help you and give up their time are not worth it.

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 12:48

I don't think you sounded cheeky anywhere? Confused

I also don't mind your textspeak - I can get the gist.

You sound very worried and upset, unsurprisingly - I'm sorry you have no-one to turn to.

I do think you have to leave her to it though. If you keep picking up the pieces it will only continue. Keep the lines of communication going but make it plain she cannot expect to lie and cheat and have you bail her out all the time.

I feel for you - a sad situation.

scaevola · 15/09/2012 12:49

I suggest you don't talk to your other DCs about her. It'll be hard enough for you to assert parental authority, without that.

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 12:51

MyNeighbour - you made your point.
Best not to de-rail the thread by turning into a lecture.

HecateHarshPants · 15/09/2012 12:52

Are you trying too hard? No. You are not understanding that you help her best by not protecting her. She is stealing. If someone walked into your home and robbed it - what would you want to happen? The fact that she is your daughter means that you should want her - more than a stranger - to stop doing the wrong thing. This means that you need to give her the hard and painful lesson.

If you don't do this sort of thing for your children - teach them right from wrong, make them face the consequences of their actions, etc, then they grow up to make some fairly terrible choices because they've never had to deal with the pain of the consequence.

You don't have to wash your hands of her. you can still love her while making her responsible for her actions.

It is not your role as parent to 'please everyone all the time'. You aren't their pal. You're their mother. It's ok for them to hate you for a while if you are doing the right thing for them in the long run.

blackpoollights · 15/09/2012 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucieMay · 15/09/2012 13:46

The spelling of "cum" should never be used in reference to one's children.

Original poster
deedge · 15/09/2012 14:05

i need to thank all of of u for the support, even though i think sum of it is harsh, my mums just off the fone to me (she was on for 45 mins) an told me to tell you'se the whole story, im not going to go into a big long life story,but nearly 2 yrs ago she had her own flat b4 she met her byfd and lost it, they came to me an told me she was pregnant an i let the 2 o them move in as his family didnt want to no, i had moved 2 a 3 bdroomed home and turned my dining room into a bdroom 4 them, i even went and bought a pram an put a deposit on a cotbed and then it turned out they lied bout everythin, they were after alot o rows and silent treatment finally forgave, 2 o my sisters havent talked to me since then, im not looking for sympathy and realise ive went wrong sumwhere but is it still wrong to want the boys and myself to be there for her

OP posts:
MyNeighbourIsStrange · 15/09/2012 14:07

Family therapy may be the way to go, take whoever will come with you.

Salmotrutta · 15/09/2012 14:12

It's not wrong to want to be there for her, she's your girl.

But she needs to face the consequences of her actions. It sounds like this boyfriend is a bad influence? Until she ditches him you're stuck really. Don't be taken in by empty promises.

I really hope she wakes up and gets herself sorted out OP. You can't do it for her sadly.

Vagaceratops · 15/09/2012 14:14

OP you need to be careful giving too much information away. You have already said one of your sons and your DD's name.

Nagoo · 15/09/2012 14:17

You can't force the brothers to make up with their sister, especially if she has not shown remorse at all.

Your best strategy is to work on building a relationship with your daughter, tell her you can forgive her but make it clear that the responsibility is hers. Do not give her money. She stole from you, so it is clear that she does not respect or appreciate the money that you might give her, she just takes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread