To be fed up with being the only person making the effort in all of my friendships?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

It has recently dawned on me that in every friendship where I've stopped bothering, the other person has stopped bothering too, and the friendship has petered out. It's always been me making the effort and if I put a stop to it then no one seems to think I'm worth making any effort for.

One example is a friend whom I've been friends with for about 8 years. I always thought we were quite close but I realised about 9 months ago that it was always me making all the effort, suggesting all the coffees, days out, nights out, everything, and it was a case of her slotting me in to her schedule. I got fed up with it and backed off a bit, and I haven't heard from her since. Our DCs attend the same school and if she seems me we chat but she never suggests meeting up, and neither do I, as I don't want to back down on this.

There is also another friend, who is also a neighbour, who would never make any effort, yet she would for other people. I thought we were really good friends. But she's not bothered to contact me or make any arrangements in a year, since I stopped. Again, if I see her she chats away, but she has no time for me,

I find it's the case with all friends; if I arrange soft play centre meet ups, and coffee mornings and nights out then all's fine and good, but if I stop, no one bothers. Even people that are long-term good friends of mine do speak to me via text and FB and contact me that way but no one ever suggests doing anything, and I don't want to look needy and sad by always suggesting things. I never feel part of group things and often end up being the one who is left out of arrangements and plans.

I just feel like I have no social life, but I don't want to be the one always organising things. Other people seem to do all sorts of things with friends; meals out, cinema nights, nights round at each others' houses with a takeaway, and it's all so effortless and seamless. I don't know, do I perhaps need to get a life? I work from home and don't have time for any hobbies but perhaps a hobby is what I need, or to get a job outside the home to at least have a social life with colleagues.

I feel the same at times and one particular day I was very low - 6 months ago (slight pnd slipping in after dtds?) dh actually manage to get his boss to let him work from home for the afternoon as I kept crying and feeling unloved as I was always the one suggesting meeting up and felt I had no true friends. That afternoon a friend popped round out of the blue with a bunch of flowers for me - no reason she was just thinking of me. I burst into tears on sight, which surprised her but her timing couldn't have been better.

I still feel unsure if some people are true friends, but if they don't like me why would they agree to coffee and chat? I just think some of us are more proactive than others.

Princess that's a lovely story about your friend turning up with flowers :)

Nagoo's post sounds pretty blunt but I wonder whether she has a point. If you were happy in yourself, would you need to keep a tally of who's doing what?

I have a friend where I do nearly all the running; it's always been the same. It's not because she doesn't like me, or because she has better friends, or because I'm poor company, or because she feels guilty and only sees me for that reason. It's because I'm someone who does the running, she's not. She's content not to see people, so tends to be pretty passive about making arrangements.

I am confident that your friends don't see you because of guilt or to be kind. It's sad that you can't be similarly confident.

I think people do get reliant on one person being the organiser. That's often me, so I do know how you feel. My sister is one of those 'world, come to my door' sort of people and I get particularly annoyed with having to chase around making arrangements to see her, because if I didn't she'd rarely bother and then I'd never see my nieces. However, it makes me really appreciate the friends and family members who are organised!

You could think about joining a club or evening class - you'll get to learn something you're interested in and it's the organisers' job to make the arrangements. I have noticed friends I've met that way can be quite good at keeping in touch - presumably you have to be moderately organised to attend a club or class regularly anyway.

I very much agree with the person above who says people often don't reciprocate invitations. We had a big house-warming party when we moved here and invited all the neighbours. That was 3 years ago and to date not a single one (not counting the ones we were already friends with) has invited us back for so much as a coffee, despite appearing to have a great time! see you' and I had to refrain from saying

Yanbu op - people are full of crap excuses but really they should make more of a bloody effort!

What is strange though is if people say no to the things you suggest and then complain that no-one arranges anything Almost as if they don't want anyone else to be in control and they enjoy being a martyr.

People are different. Some find organising easy, others don't.
I find it very hard to organise stuff but am often happy if others want to. I do sometimes organise stuff but not often. I also like time on my own or just with my family, and I don't feel that i have enough of it. So I actually have more friends than I really have space for in my life. I sometimes feel guilty for not organising more things but hopefully I bring something else worth having to my relationships.
i have friends I love dearly who I don't speak to for months and then we spend a wonderful day together. If the relationship needs a lot of maintenance it probably will fizzle out, although I am always around for friends in need.
The social organisers like you are ime the ones who have the fullest social lives, apart from folk with big families whose families organise stuff for them.

I have lots of really lovely friends but usually only manage to see them in 2 ways- 1) I spontaneously suggest meeting on the spur of the moment and they say yes 2) an organised friend sorts it all out for me in advance and I say yes. It is very, very rarely the other way round because I'm disorganised, work fulltime, have a partner, toddler, teenagers, dad, sister and parents in law, all of whom need my time. Even though I keep many of my good friends in mind frequently and miss them, I am rarely actively seeking company for the sake of not being alone at the moment and telling my friends how much I love them and organising stuff to do with them is the first thing to fall off the radar half the time. I really hope they don't feel rejected but I honestly think most of my friends understand my life and personality and are forgiving. Are you sure you're not just attracted to slightly flaky, busy types such as me, OP?!

I could have written some of your post. Smetimes i just cant be arsed any more then i see details all over facebook about xyz going out, what a fab night they allllll had ..... I have vowed only to read facebook on a tuesday from now on. It really depresses me to be hinest and i would sooner have a face to face conversation than a facebook to facebook conversation.

I am on a blip of friends at the moment and not being from the area i dont have any "old" friends i can call ipon seeing i have lost touch with them all over the last 15 years or so. So i sympathise. I think that shd have been my first point :)

I so could have written your post OP. In fact I wrote a similar post (under a different name) a little while back and got a lot of stick from people who felt I was needy and expecting tit for tat. I wasn't - I just didn't want to be the only one who made an effort ever.

I completely get where you are coming from.

Firstly I do think that if you suffer from low self esteem (even if you don't think you do - I didn't realise it but apparently I do) you can feel this way.

Secondly, are you living in a small village where there aren't many people to choose to be friends with? I was and there really wasn't much effort from anyone. It was always down to me.

It might seem extreme, but we eventually moved from our small village to a city where our children could go to a bigger school and there were more opportunities to meet people. Also, we moved from the south to the north. The change has been instant and quite amazingly different. I'm like 'wow, this is what life can be like'. We've only been here for about 2 months but in that time we have been invited out so many times. The people are just infinitely friendlier.

Funnily my 'friends' from my old village have made no effort to even drop me an email to find out how the move has gone.I've sent several emails but am now stopping. There is no point trying to be friends with people who cannot be arsed.

Finally, I will say that working at home on your own makes you need the company of friends more than if you are out at a place of work. That was my problem. So if there's some other way to get company at a club or group, then try that.

Good luck - I am sure that you will meet someone at some point who will reciprocate all that you have to give.