To be fed up with being the only person making the effort in all of my friendships?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

It has recently dawned on me that in every friendship where I've stopped bothering, the other person has stopped bothering too, and the friendship has petered out. It's always been me making the effort and if I put a stop to it then no one seems to think I'm worth making any effort for.

One example is a friend whom I've been friends with for about 8 years. I always thought we were quite close but I realised about 9 months ago that it was always me making all the effort, suggesting all the coffees, days out, nights out, everything, and it was a case of her slotting me in to her schedule. I got fed up with it and backed off a bit, and I haven't heard from her since. Our DCs attend the same school and if she seems me we chat but she never suggests meeting up, and neither do I, as I don't want to back down on this.

There is also another friend, who is also a neighbour, who would never make any effort, yet she would for other people. I thought we were really good friends. But she's not bothered to contact me or make any arrangements in a year, since I stopped. Again, if I see her she chats away, but she has no time for me,

I find it's the case with all friends; if I arrange soft play centre meet ups, and coffee mornings and nights out then all's fine and good, but if I stop, no one bothers. Even people that are long-term good friends of mine do speak to me via text and FB and contact me that way but no one ever suggests doing anything, and I don't want to look needy and sad by always suggesting things. I never feel part of group things and often end up being the one who is left out of arrangements and plans.

I just feel like I have no social life, but I don't want to be the one always organising things. Other people seem to do all sorts of things with friends; meals out, cinema nights, nights round at each others' houses with a takeaway, and it's all so effortless and seamless. I don't know, do I perhaps need to get a life? I work from home and don't have time for any hobbies but perhaps a hobby is what I need, or to get a job outside the home to at least have a social life with colleagues.

Ah, not a saddo, but maybe time to try to widen your circle a bit

I find that it's almost impossible to change/control other people's behaviour. You probably have to accept that this is the way these people are (particularly if you've hinted/looked hurt etc and they've carried on). The question is, on balance, do you want them in your life or not. If they stick to arrangements you initiate and you have a good time, then I don't think it's worth it's worth throwing your toys out of the pram about what's a fairly minor annoyance in the scheme of things. Maybe try and arrange the next meeting at the end the current one (perhaps 6 weeks ahead or whatever) so that you don't feel like you're doing the running.

I can't help wondering though ZillionChocolate if they are only meeting with me as they don't want to/can't say no, because I think if they truly wanted to meet me they would initiate things for once.

But.....if they're as busy as they portray they'd be able to come up with plausible reasons for not meeting up with you if they didn't want to.

It depends on which grp of friends I'm with, but I did have to start making some arrangements with one grp of longstanding friends as I realised it really was all one girl doing the running- and if she didn't do it we were all so lazy we didn't end up seeing each other for months! Thing was, we did (and do) all really love meeting up and seeing each other, esp seeing the organiser

? Try suggesting time/day but once that's confirmed ask them what they'd like to do- sort of a compromise, might take the pressure off you?

I am the same now I dont bother my backside I havnt for a few months yet nobody seems to have miised me,, suggested going out with 2 old friends for a meal or 'something' I am waiting on them getting back to me I asked in june. I dont want to be all maudlin and feel sorry for myself I am just fed up of trying to maintain friendships

Another 'me too' - I have several friends who I know would happily agree a playdate if I contacted them, but I'm fed up with always being the one who makes the running, so I'm sitting on my hands until they contact me. When I do contact them they are booked up with social things for a while to come, I presume not all arranged by the other party, so I know they can make the running, they're just choosing not to with me! The worst was some friends whose 40th birthday do I only found out about when I read about it in their Xmas round robin - I thought that was really tactless. So now I look for reciprocity in invitations. C'est la vie.

I think I am one of those it is ok it is just X they wont mind . sort of people maybe I am too reliable or something

Not everyone enjoys doing lots of organised things. I had to quit a potential friendship when I just didn't have the energy to keep up with girls nights out, large parties and gatherings etc. on a regular basis and didn't have the time/energy to reciprocate. I knew if I had stayed friends I would have been the one who "never made an effort" because that amount of socialising in a large group just isn't for me. I also felt I was just there to make up numbers as this person seemed to like organising things and make surface chat without it mattering all that much who you were.

However with my few really good friends I will always make a big effort to travel or join in with anything that's important to them, but usually it's just a chilled-out chat or a coffee.

I am not really a party animal but a meet up once in a while would be good I have a few friends who I see once or twice a year and that is great but we make the effort on both sides , some of my friends dont bother if I dont ITs like they dont think I matter, because they will do other things with other friends

I am really trying not to sound like a spoiled kid here

I don't know quite how to articulate this.... But here goes.

Whilst I sympathise, I don't empathise with you OP. I have always been part of a good social circle. I have never been aware of not being invited to something, and likewise my DH and I like to have people over for bbqs etc. We don't keep a running tally of who is inviting us back, but only because we have full weekends at least a couple of times a month, so I guess we presume that all is well on that front. Thinking about it, one couple have not invited us around tontheirnplace despite being at ours a good few times, but I am not remotely offended as they have tiny place and they have instead suggested lunch a few times.

My point is that maybe you have just not found a decent group of friends yet. Because with a decent group, there is no bitching or keeping tallies of this and that, and if there is someone lazy, they usually make up for it in other great ways I.e. super generous or kind or funny etc and I guess you just don't think about it.

Friendships take effort, but not in a negative sense, more in a way that you care of someone so you want to enjoyntheirncompany and if that means sacrifices or going out of your way or making an effort, then that is what you do. However if the friendship is not strong, then doing that seems like a chore, rather than simply part of the fabric of a good friendship.

Good luck and sorry you are feeling down about this

I think I'm one of those people who never suggests or arranges anything. Sorry.

There are two reasons why I'm like this. One is simply that I'm always incredibly busy and frequently exhausted, and all I'm thinking about as I head towards the weekend is having a bit of time to catch my breath. I love meeting up with friends, but I just don't get round to suggesting it.

The second reason (and I'm a bit ashamed of this but it's undoubtedly the bigger reason) is that I have very low self-esteem and don't like initiating social stuff because I fear that people will feel obliged to go along with it when they don't really want to. It sounds stupid when I write it down, but that's how I see it - I can't help it. So I'm happy to do stuff with them when they suggest it, because I know they want to do it, but I worry if I suggest something, it will be an imposition on their time. I know I sound like a loon, but these things aren't always rational. FWIW, my friends would never guess that I feel this way, and I wouldn't tell them, so they are probably really fed up with my apparent lack of effort. :(

I have felt that way with a few friends and I think I might appear like your 'friends' to others. My life is v full with my young family, working full time, no family nearby, kid starting school, kid with health issues ( up to recently weekly bloods) and visits to Gosh.

It is v hectic. This weekend im sending someone off to the airport, Sunday we have a language class and then a show to watch. Next weekend my daughter's birthday and my work BBQ and language class. And we start swim classes again.

It's v difficult. It really is. I try not to tally and I hope friends are not tallying.

Good luck in finding like minded friends!!

I'm another one who could have written your post OP. It is very frustrating but I've accepted it as a fact of life now really. I do get really upset when I make the effort to organise and arrange things which friends/acquaintances come to and seemingly enjoy, and then see those same people getting together for coffee/drinks but no invite for me. I'm just having a 'woe is me day' I think - need some

I don't make an effort with some friends because I don't have the confidence to.

Yanbu. I often feel like I am the least important person.

You're making perfect sense Jinsei :)

I think that you shouldn't necessarily take it to heart if you aren't always included in every invite because not being invited doesn't mean that you are liked any less! One of my schoolfriends was recently quite put out (put out enough to mention it) that I had another school friend round for dinner and she wasn't invited. They are both really lovely but I have a relationship with each of them that is seperate, as well as the relationship we all have together and there's a place for each of those things.

I also have a group of friends who I see all the time and meet some of them seperately outside of the group. They are all lovely people and I would be delighted if any of them initiated a get together. There are a couple that I feel I know well to have invited over with their partners. It's hard to put my finger on why... it's not that I necessarily like them any more than the others, I think they strike me as being more likely to want to socialise seperately.

All I am trying to say is, please don't think that if people aren't initiating engagements with you it means that they don't like you or you are somehow seen as being less enjoyable company because it really isn't likely to be the case.

I hear you OP.

I am very controlling organised, so there is definately part of me that enjoys organising/leading the "logistics" of lots of my friendships. However, it does mean I have a constant list of people I think I ought to get in touch with, which causes me stress/adds to my to-do list.

I do wonder if the "pattern" of friendship is set early on. You (as is one) meets potential friend A, you make the first move. On some level I wonder if they think "In addition to being nice/friendly this potential new friend is also organised, which is good because I don't like organising/cannot be bothered etc". And so it goes from there...

I have got better at sitting on my hands, once it gets to the point where I think I am doing all the running.

I think friendships come and go across life. I would think about an activity OP, it will give you something to do and post on FB but won't necess require the energy a friendship takes. Of course you might meet some new friends from it.

Re FB I remember reading an article about fake posting - pretending you are out when you are not. Try not to dwell on it.

Good luck.

In all groups of friends we take on certain roles - be it the "organiser" "listener" "talker" etc etc and it is very hard to change and become something else. I am ubber organised but I do feel like you and wonder if people would bother with me if I didn't organise stuff first. But then I gave myself a talking too realised that if they didn't want to see me they would make excuses or cancel.

I have taken a step back and don't see two groups as much as I used too but that is my decision to do this and if I started organising stuff again I know I would see them more

"In addition to being nice/friendly this potential new friend is also organised, which is good because I don't like organising/cannot be bothered etc".

I think different people will react in different ways. I actually get scared away if someone is too organised. I assume they'd look down on a more relaxed or scatty person such as me.

I think that you reap what you sow...I've always felt I made a lot of effort to maintain friendships and it's given me the social life I wanted so not entirely selfless behaviour!
I've always felt it was a shame my sister doesn't enjoy the love and support that I do from friendships when it dawned on me that she just doesn't make the same effort.
On the flip side, there have been times when I didn't get contact details knowing I in all honesty wouldn't have the time to invest in maintaining and this has offended. Life runs away with us sometimes, for some more than others. If I allow others the benefit of the doubt, I deserve it too.
I would focus on the good feeling you get from meeting friends, making the effort rather than the negatives when someone doesnt reciprocate.

People are crap, no doubt about it

This is symptomatic of over-analysis and low esteem :(

If you are motivated to arrange something, arrange it. You can't bitch that other people aren't inclined to do it.

It is a mistake to think that it is a measure of how well you are liked how much effort people put in. I am busy, I am tired. Sometimes I will organise things, sometimes I CBA. It doesn't mean I like my friends more or less.

I don't necessarily want someone to arrange something but just for one of my so called friends to pick up the phone and call me would be nice. I didn't contact my neighbour at all during the holidays, and as I didn't, she didn't contact me either. No one ever stops to think "I haven't heard from very for a while, I'll call and see how she is"