To be fed up with being the only person making the effort in all of my friendships?

[Veryfrustratedandfedup]

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

It has recently dawned on me that in every friendship where I've stopped bothering, the other person has stopped bothering too, and the friendship has petered out. It's always been me making the effort and if I put a stop to it then no one seems to think I'm worth making any effort for.

One example is a friend whom I've been friends with for about 8 years. I always thought we were quite close but I realised about 9 months ago that it was always me making all the effort, suggesting all the coffees, days out, nights out, everything, and it was a case of her slotting me in to her schedule. I got fed up with it and backed off a bit, and I haven't heard from her since. Our DCs attend the same school and if she seems me we chat but she never suggests meeting up, and neither do I, as I don't want to back down on this.

There is also another friend, who is also a neighbour, who would never make any effort, yet she would for other people. I thought we were really good friends. But she's not bothered to contact me or make any arrangements in a year, since I stopped. Again, if I see her she chats away, but she has no time for me,

I find it's the case with all friends; if I arrange soft play centre meet ups, and coffee mornings and nights out then all's fine and good, but if I stop, no one bothers. Even people that are long-term good friends of mine do speak to me via text and FB and contact me that way but no one ever suggests doing anything, and I don't want to look needy and sad by always suggesting things. I never feel part of group things and often end up being the one who is left out of arrangements and plans.

I just feel like I have no social life, but I don't want to be the one always organising things. Other people seem to do all sorts of things with friends; meals out, cinema nights, nights round at each others' houses with a takeaway, and it's all so effortless and seamless. I don't know, do I perhaps need to get a life? I work from home and don't have time for any hobbies but perhaps a hobby is what I need, or to get a job outside the home to at least have a social life with colleagues.

Other people seem to do all sorts of things On FB? Funny that. People aren't going to post when 4 weeks go past and the most exciting social interaction they had was politely requesting that the Jehovah's Witness on the doorstep kindly do one.

People are lazy. They've probably got used to you being the one to initiate things then when you don't they just get absorbed in their own lives and don't think to plan anything with you. It's probably nothing personal.

Fancy a ? :)

Maybe not a but a would be nice! 1pm isn't too early to start on the wine is it? Course not, it's Friday!

I think you're right, Vivi. People do get lazy and self absorbed. I think lots of my so-called friends have got into the habit of me making the arrangements, as that's how I've started the friendships.

I work from home alone all week too and really crave social company at the weekends so I really sympathise. If I haven't got plans to look forward to I get a bit tetchy. I guess people who are surrounded by other folk all day every day aren't as keen as we are to fill their free time. Perhaps.

Never too late for a

I could have written this OP - watching with interest

I also find that sometimes I can't be arsed, which is probably why I want someone to be arsed to bother with me for a change, if that makes sense.

Picked up my youngest from preschool this morning and there were probably half a dozen other mums standing alone smiling nervously and saying a quick hello, who would probably chat if I chatted, but I just can't be bothered. I want someone to bother with me for once! Waaaaah

Also I see people meeting up as a family with other families and we're never invited to stuff like that either... I know dh will talk to anyone, so is it me(?) or do I need to initiate it as well???

Yes I see that sort of thing too maybe

Parties at each others houses, meals out, holidays with other families.

Now another friend is talking about going on a girls night out tonight on her FB status. She is another that always waits for me to ask her to do things.

I can't help thinking that sometimes these people that never make an effort with me must make an effort. I guess they just can't be bothered to make it with me

I agree with other posters, people aren't going out as much as you think and avoid facebook!

I also think that family and work make a lot of people very tired and they can't be bothered initiating stuff, but are quite happy to go along with what's suggested. Initiating stuff means leaving yourself open to rejection/having to make arrangements so people avoid that.

Have you a dp? For a lot of people that's their best friend, I think my dh is happy with me and wouldn't go out with mates from work/school dads unless I made him! Do you think matter to your family/dp?

Does it matter if you're making the invitations if you have a nice time?Do you not get return invites to their houses? If you invite a family over for a bbq then I'd be very surprised if you didn't get an invite back-rude not to.

I think you have to be realistic too. I have a very good friend who is great fun and lovely, but I met her when we were new mums and I was new to the area.She has lived here all her life and has school friends/work friends that she's known for decades. I know she is further up my friend list than I am hers(if we really have to analyse this), but what does it matter-such is life.
I have friends for different things: 1 I run with; 1 I go to gigs with; 1 that shares school pick ups/have cups of tea with and so it goes on-none of them are my best friend, but we have a nice time.

It sounds like you need to get out of the house more. I would make some arrangements and not worry so much about who's initiated it. I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face at the moment.

I think you've raised good points, defineme

I have a DH; he goes out occasionally for a drink with a group of his old schoolfriends but other than that not much.

I found doing things like BBQs that we often wouldn't get invites back. We had several BBQs 2 years ago and invited one couple to them all. They then had one and invited others but not us.

It just grates on me that some friends, for example the one I stopped contacting fairly recently, will make arrangements and do things with others but just leave it all to me.

You are right though, I could do with avoiding FB

i am one of those who never seem to make the effort...... actually i am a bit of a sour plum as name suggests. i can't always face socialising with people and might go for coffee if asked but i very rarely make plans or suggest outings myself. i can appreciate op how this must come across but i honestly don't mean to be horrid or mean or hurt any feelings. i just feel safer (don't know what other word to use) if i don't have things arranged in advance. my (very few) friends know this and understand but i know that i appear standoffish and unfriendly in those getting to know you situations. upshot is that most people stop asking me to do stuff. and that is entirely my fault.

soorploom, most people that I know that don't bother making arrangements seem to have others flocking around them wanting to socialise with them. Like the less effort they make the more people want to be with them.

Do you really LIKE these people? Maybe despite spending time together you just didn't "click"?

These "others" they're doing stuff with, are they people you know well too?

Could also have written this post!

A few weeks back I was visiting my friend, she asked me if I was going to friend B's house on Saturday for a drink? I mentioned that I hadnt been asked (it was Wednesday night at this point).

Got home, couldn't bear the thought of being left out so texted friend B innocently asking what her plans for the weekend were (not as desperate as it sounds as we had been texting each other earlier in the week). She did ask me to come up on Saturday for drinks, but I can't help thinking did she do it as she knew I'd been at friend A's house earlier, who she knows would have mentioned it?

Yes, I'm totally paranoid and pathetic

This has happend to me, i thought a couple of years ago i made a really good friend , she seldome came to my house and when she did would stay for about 10 minutes then leave i found i was always the one ringing she didnt even come to my wedding which i invted her too and her five children:(

Last year i stopped ringing her Just to see if i was being a bit ott 7 months later and i have not heared from her gave her a text last week but just a empy promise

Like oh yeah havent seen you in yonks must meet up kiss kiss

I just keep my self to my self no have enough going on with my family it would be nice to at least meet another couple but if anyone wants me they know my number

I have this issue, I get so annoyed and I distance myself for a while and then its like 'Oh are you okay you seem distant" ?? Oh right so now you notice

I agree above people get lazy and we live in quite a selfish society.

Yeah I get the 'you ok, you seem distant?' thing too. I think you're right about a selfish society, so many people are selfish

I feel the same way to some degree.
I go through stages of being upset about it but mostly try and accept it-I don't think it's anything personal-mostly these friends have lots of family/school/uni mates around, work, kids-hectic lives.
They always seem genuinely pleased to see me and are apologetic about not having been in touch-I guess life gets in the way sometimes. But it can make you feel lonely and on the edge of things, which is difficult. I'm currently trying to think of ways to improve my friendships/make new ones but my problem is that I'm inherently happy in my own company so it's hard to keep it up

See I often wonder if this is my problem awaywego. I too am happy in my own company and don't always feel the need to do things/go out to places but at the same time I do like seeing people and feel like I should go out, if that makes sense.

So I wonder if perhaps I don't give off the 'invite me out' vibes. Perhaps I'm not fun enough. I just don't know. I try to be myself but it's probably not good enough for some people I know

yep me too. A number of friends who I have met since become a mum, many of whom I would say are Sort of "mum" friends rather than more than that but 3 or so who really thought might be proper new friends, 2/3 I see reasonably regularly but always at my instigation, the other I haven't heard from for ages. Arranged a group meet up in a pub 200yards from her house (and a 20 min drive from mine) and she didn't turn up bvecause she was tired after work, well, fuck it, so are we all but we made the effort. Haven't been in touch since nor she to me. Does make you feel a bit unloved

I have one friend and we have lunch on a friday but have become resigned that i will not make any more

I think often feeling like that is a wider issue of low self esteem. Try not to analyse who calls who. Maybe you're just more organised & people are content to let you take the lead?

redwine I think you're right. Not sure it's something that is very changeable for me unfortunately though

redwineformethanks no i havent had a phone call from any one in three weeks apart from work and oh

I just a saddo i guess