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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSS?

57 replies

AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:27

DP and I have just moved in together. We both have children from past relationships, in both cases - two teenage boys each.
His youngest DS (15) has autism. Admittedly I know little of the condition but I have been watching documentaries and learning over the past year or so for this reason. He has his children over every saturday night but as of yet, this hasn't happened as we've been busy moving etc.

So tomorrow night is the first night in which his children will be coming over. He sprang it on me last night that DSS2 cannot sleep without light - I said that's fine, he can sleep with his light on but no - DP says that DSS needs his own bedrooom light on, the landing light AND the bedroom opposite his room's light on - that's our room.

I simply cannot sleep with my bedroom light on!! I'm a light sleeper as it is, the slightest noise or car light from outside wakes me and there is no way on earth I can sleep with my bedroom light on all night.

Well DP has gone off on one completely saying I'm intolerant of his son's special needs and that I'm going back on what I've said (that I'll be supportive of his extra needs etc) and I'm selfish as it's only one night a week.

Ok so I have little experience of special needs so is he right? am I being selfish?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/09/2012 12:29

Has he told you why your door needs to be open with the light on?

honeytea · 14/09/2012 12:31

Could you just sleep on the sofa?

Original poster
AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:32

it goes back to when he was really young, he freaked out when he had his own bedroom for the first time so they said to him he could leave his bedroom door open and the hallway light would be on but then he freaked out because his parent's room was in darkness so they turned the bedroom light on in there too - as a temporary thing supposedly until he got used to his new room but it turned permanent and now at the age of 15 it's become years of routine that he can't shake.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 14/09/2012 12:32

Gosh, what a predicament OP. I don't think you're being selfish here, a compromise needs to be made. Can your partner sleep in with his son on that night?

Original poster
AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:32

no I'm not sleeping on the sofa.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/09/2012 12:34

I see. I suppose if that's what he's always been used to, it must be very hard to break it now.

Mind you, I wonder if having a new home might be enough to break the habit?

Either way if it doesn't, I would definitely sleep on the sofa as it's only one night a week.

TeaBrick · 14/09/2012 12:35

Could you wear an eye mask, and get your dp to agree that he will try and help ds break the habit eventually? Is it only one night per week?
I also think it's really unfair of your dp to suggest that you're being unsupportive of his son by wanting to sleep in a dark room. You couldn't have seen that one coming could you?

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2012 12:35

Or an eye mask? That might be another idea?

Original poster
AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:36

I really can't sleep on the sofa, for one thing I have back problems and another thing is the bloody radio in the kitchen has to be on all night.

I'm going to suggest DP sleeps in DSS's room as Phoenix suggested.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/09/2012 12:36

Cross posted with TeaBrick Blush

TeaBrick · 14/09/2012 12:37

Great minds Worra Smile

Dahlen · 14/09/2012 12:37

I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable. It's just one of those situations where someone is going to to have to come off worse. It's not fair or right, but it's life. And with you being the adult and your DPs DS the child, it has to be you I'm afraid.

Dahlen · 14/09/2012 12:38

Black-out eye mask?

ChazsGoldAttitude · 14/09/2012 12:38

OP I think you are caught in a bind. Your DSS parents allowed a temporary solution to a problem to become a permanent fixture, this was probably a mistake (caveat: I don't have experience with ASD)

I think you will have to accept the situation for now as your DSS probably will have enough to cope with staying in a new place and so may well need his familiar routine for support.

Is there another room you can sleep in or would something like this help?
eye mask

ChazsGoldAttitude · 14/09/2012 12:38

multiple x post

shrimponastick · 14/09/2012 12:39

Wow. I don'thave any advice - sorry, but jst wanted to say that I hope there is some compromise that can be reached before the first night.

I would't be able to sleep with my bedroom light on all night either.

MTBMummy · 14/09/2012 12:39

Second the eye mask thing -I'm a very light sleeper and occasionally have to stay over in the city, which I hate as all the lights and noise keep me up all night, now armed with a decent set of ear plugs and an eye mask - I sleep like a baby :)

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 14/09/2012 12:40

I was also going to say eye mask. They are very effective and especially if you just have to leave a bedside light on say, rather than full blazing lights.

TeaBrick · 14/09/2012 12:40

maybe better you don't get this one though

shrimponastick · 14/09/2012 12:42

teabrick I fancy that for my overnight flight to USA next week ... :)

How about just a nightlight in your room instead of even bedside light? Would that be sufficient?

Original poster
AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:43

The whole thing is a nightmare. This is the first argument DP and I have ever had and I'm really struggling. I'm so upset about it all. I know it sounds OTT but the whole thing just blew up suddenly, he's so protective of his son and I'm tired after working 12 hour night shifts so snapped back instantly and it's imploded into a major row. Our first ever Sad

I feel like just booking myself into a B&B for the night but can't do that every week can I.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:44

Oh loving the fuck off mask!! imagine his face if I put that on Grin

tempted

OP posts:
TeaBrick · 14/09/2012 12:45

It is rather good isn't it Grin

Bluebell99 · 14/09/2012 12:45

I think the light on in the bedroom is fine and the hall light , but would not have the light on in the bedroom. I used to work in boarding schools for children with emotional and behavioural difficulties and some of the children were on the autistic spectrum which was worked round. For example, one boy would only sleep under his bed, which was fine as it didn't impact on the other children.

Bluebell99 · 14/09/2012 12:47

Is the radio on in the kitchen all night because of the dss
too?