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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DSS?

57 replies

AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:27

DP and I have just moved in together. We both have children from past relationships, in both cases - two teenage boys each.
His youngest DS (15) has autism. Admittedly I know little of the condition but I have been watching documentaries and learning over the past year or so for this reason. He has his children over every saturday night but as of yet, this hasn't happened as we've been busy moving etc.

So tomorrow night is the first night in which his children will be coming over. He sprang it on me last night that DSS2 cannot sleep without light - I said that's fine, he can sleep with his light on but no - DP says that DSS needs his own bedrooom light on, the landing light AND the bedroom opposite his room's light on - that's our room.

I simply cannot sleep with my bedroom light on!! I'm a light sleeper as it is, the slightest noise or car light from outside wakes me and there is no way on earth I can sleep with my bedroom light on all night.

Well DP has gone off on one completely saying I'm intolerant of his son's special needs and that I'm going back on what I've said (that I'll be supportive of his extra needs etc) and I'm selfish as it's only one night a week.

Ok so I have little experience of special needs so is he right? am I being selfish?

OP posts:

kinkynagbag · 14/09/2012 12:48

i think your going ot have to suck it up tbh.
he is a child, you also need him to feel welcome and to want to come over and vist not panic and not want to.

i would get an eye mask, aswell as ask if a lamp by the bed. or door would be ok , if not , well its only for one night. in the big scheme of things its not the end of the world and it will be better then the out comes that you digging your heels in would casue.

greenandcabbagelooking · 14/09/2012 12:48

Could you put a lamp or a torch outside your room, then close the door?

schobe · 14/09/2012 12:51

He's GOT to take some responsibility for not mentioning this before you moved in together. That's just completely out of order and I speak as the mother of a child with ASD.

You possibly would get used to the light being on if you use an eye mask. Perhaps he is more upset by how emphatic you are being about this than the fact you are raising it as an issue? Could he be getting the message that you're not willing to try or compromise, even if you didn't intend that?

The bigger question of whether this is a good habit to have got into, or whether he should be implementing a gradual plan to change the set-up is harder to broach. He is the parent so really it is up to him. However, he is in danger of upsetting you in the same way if he too comes across as being completely unwilling to look for compromise. He needs to know that.

PostBellumBugsy · 14/09/2012 12:52

Oh dear. I'd really struggle to have the light on in my room all night too. My DS is autistic spectrum & he has to be in pitch darkness, so he wears an eye mask every single night of his life. Autistic spectrum kids often tend to be funny about sensory issues and DS has always been really light, noise & smell sensitive. I'm just adding this, because it may not be a problem that goes away.
However, I think longer term a compromise needs to be reached, so that you don't have to have the light on in your room every time your DP's DS comes to stay. Unless, his DS is severely autistic, it should be possible to explain that there are different rules in DPs house (AS kids like rules) and that he can have his light on, the landing light on, but that is all in your house.

Mama1980 · 14/09/2012 12:53

Could you not have his light on, the hall on and shut your bedroom door?

bigsnugglebunny · 14/09/2012 12:55

Couldn't you just have his bedroom light on, the hall light on - and shut your bedroom door? Or does it need to be open for safety? My youngest DS is autistic too and he has to also have pitch darkness, and doors shut. They're all different, but YANBU really.

Dawndonna · 14/09/2012 12:55

If this is a new house to dss, then perhaps that can be used to break the habit. Expain, as soon as he gets there, that you're happy to have both his light and the landing light on, but you would like to TRY not to have your light on. Ask him how he feels about trying, and give him time to process his reply. If he agrees to try, check with him every hour and reassure him that it's okay if it's not successful first time but that you will keep trying. Otherwise it's the couch for you, i'm afraid.
Good luck!

bigsnugglebunny · 14/09/2012 12:55

x posted with mama1980 there

Original poster

AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 12:56

Thanks for the suggestions. I won't be able to sleep with an eye mask on. I know it sounds like I'm being a diva but I'm sensitive to EVERYTHING when trying to get to sleep. If a clock ticks I can't sleep, if my bedding feels funny I can't sleep, I can't sleep with ear plugs in etc

So suggestions I have for DP so far are that he sleeps in with DSS (but he won't like that one!) or I'm going to suggest he fits one of those dimmer lights in our room. I'll compromise with the light being half on and gradually turned lower and lower.

OP posts:

SoftSheen · 14/09/2012 12:56

How about getting a child's nightlight and placing in on the opposite side of the room from your bed? That way it should be light enough for someone to find their way into the room but still dim enough to sleep.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/09/2012 13:00

But you are that sensitive, and you don't have ASD. Imagine how your DSS feels?

I think your DP was wrong not to mention this before you moved in together, definitely.

I hope you can find a compromise.

PostBellumBugsy · 14/09/2012 13:01

AlienEyes - just to put it in context, the way you feel about not being able to get to sleep without everything being how you like it, is exactly how your DPs DS will feel about having the lights on in a certain way.

AS kids get really hung up on following patterns and trying to replicate things, particularly in unfamiliar places, as it gives them a sense of security. They can get really agitated if they can't keep to those patterns. That is why it sometimes helps to give them rules. Rules can also help them feel safe, because they know that it is something that everyone will adhere to. Therefore, it won't change & it will be like that everytime.

I really hope you can talk this through with your DP.

AmberLeaf · 14/09/2012 13:06

Im amazed this didnt come up prior to moving in together.

honeytea · 14/09/2012 13:09

I think you extreme sensitivity to light/sound/textures when you sleep is a blessing in a way, you must be able to empathise with dss. I come from a family of light sleepers I sleep well myself but I hate the feeling of tiptoeing to the bathroom in the middle if the night.

I think you as the adult as you don't have asd need to get over your sleep issues.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/09/2012 13:10

Seems like you and your dss have something in common, you are both very particular about how it has to be for you to be able to sleep! Surely you can see the childs predicament, if you are that particular yourself?

I am sorry, but for a few nights a month, I am sure you can compromise? Even just a small night light by the door?

But why not try with the door open and lights off to start with and see how it goes? Maybe in a new house he wont "notice"?

littlebluechair · 14/09/2012 13:13

Yes, it does sound like you are as fussy as this boy OP - bedding, lighting, ticking clocks keep you awake!

I think YANBU to want the light low, but it is U to have to have no light entirely.

ClippedPhoenix · 14/09/2012 13:14

As it's only a few nights a month I'm sure your DP will be able to sleep in with him OP.

Dahlen · 14/09/2012 13:15

Despite the fact that I think in this instance you should allow your DSS's needs to take precedence, I think there's a strong argument for working towards having your bedroom light turned off in time. I don't know how severe your DSS's autism is, and I understand the importance of sensory perceptions and unchanging routines, but part of learning to live with autism is finding ways to manage it and to increase independence where possible. It will benefit your DSS enormously if he can be weaned off this pattern, as it will increase the number of places he can stay overnight, which is something he will possibly want to do as he gets older.

I also agree that your DP should have explained this at an earlier stage, which may actually be why he's got so defensive about it (he's feeling guilty).

OHforDUCKScake · 14/09/2012 13:18

Alieneyes I dont think youre being a diva. Im exactly the same, I need silence, darkness and comfort to sleep.

I couldnt sleep with an eye mask.

I cant even sleep with my door open if the landing light is on.
I suggest too, that DP sleeps in his room with him.

Original poster

AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 13:26

I can't sleep with the landing light on and my door open either but I was willing to make that compromise - to have my own bedroom light on though is just taking it too far. I will again compromise with a dimmer light but no way am I having the main bulb on all night.
DSS has slept at his grandmother's house before and didn't have the light on opposite which is part of my argument to DP - I'm sure it could be explained to him that whilst we're ok with his own bedroom light and the landing light, in this house, those are the only lights that will be on (like at Grandmas).

OP posts:

Original poster

AlienEyes · 14/09/2012 13:27

But then as DP has just shouted at me "YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AUTISM!"

Ok then.

OP posts:

littlebluechair · 14/09/2012 13:30

It sounds like your DP is being a bit of an arse about this, but I suspect he is very tense about this visit, wanting it all to go well.

I am a SM myself, it s a fraught situation and if your DSS only visits infrequently that will probably heighten the tension for your DP. But a compromise has to be found and shouting at you won't help, will it?

Miltonia · 14/09/2012 13:33

So he manages at Grandma's house but DP expects you to have the light on? It is totally unreasonable of your DP to not mention this before and to expect you to do something that doesn't happen at the Grandparents' house.

Your DP is out of order and I would be seriously considering my position if I were you.

PostBellumBugsy · 14/09/2012 13:35

Oh dear, it sounds as though your DP is very stressed about this overnight visit AlienEyes.

You & your DP definitely need to agree on what is going to happen before his boys arrive. If there is any issue you about it, they'll pick up on it & the AS lad could get really stressed about it. I guess they are both going to be a bit nervous about it anyway & anxiety and AS don't mix well at the best of times.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2012 14:05

If he manages with it at Grandma's house, he can manage at yours.

I'm not very impressed with your partner. It's a pretty major thing to not mention to you beforehand AT ALL. And now he's trying to shout you down rather than discuss possible solutions. No, you've just to knuckle under. Red flag.

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