AIBU about DSS?

[AlienEyes]

DP and I have just moved in together. We both have children from past relationships, in both cases - two teenage boys each.
His youngest DS (15) has autism. Admittedly I know little of the condition but I have been watching documentaries and learning over the past year or so for this reason. He has his children over every saturday night but as of yet, this hasn't happened as we've been busy moving etc.

So tomorrow night is the first night in which his children will be coming over. He sprang it on me last night that DSS2 cannot sleep without light - I said that's fine, he can sleep with his light on but no - DP says that DSS needs his own bedrooom light on, the landing light AND the bedroom opposite his room's light on - that's our room.

I simply cannot sleep with my bedroom light on!! I'm a light sleeper as it is, the slightest noise or car light from outside wakes me and there is no way on earth I can sleep with my bedroom light on all night.

Well DP has gone off on one completely saying I'm intolerant of his son's special needs and that I'm going back on what I've said (that I'll be supportive of his extra needs etc) and I'm selfish as it's only one night a week.

Ok so I have little experience of special needs so is he right? am I being selfish?

I would suspect that what I has upset you more than anything is your DP's attitude, rather than a lack of caring about his son's needs. As previous posters have said, he should have mentioned this to you before you moved in together. Now you are living together it's harder to negotiate the situation without being accused of not caring for his son.

Unfortunately there isn't the time for you both to calm down before his son comes to discuss this properly.

Personally, if his son can manage at his grandparents without this other light being left on then surely this is the ideal time to implement this at your house, before it becomes an ingrained habit that is very hard to change at a later date.

The problem is that you have a situation that you were not expecting, that has been thrust upon you at the last minute and that you cannot have an opinion about, because to do so would mean that you don't care about DSS (in his dad's eyes).

I would try talking to your DP about this in a calm way before DSS comes so that you have an agreement in place between you that you both can live with long term.

If you can't sleep with the landing light on you may as well not sleep with the bedroom light on at least then you can read.

I think you also need to address your strange sleeping routines.

I just think your DP should really have told you about this before. Presumably he knows how badly you sleep?

He may just be reacting so badly, because he feels guilty for not warning you.

The thing is, the boy will be in a totally different environment so maybe, just maybe, that is enough of a change to negate the need to keep everything else the same?

Have you moved into your DP's house, he into yours, or both of you into a new place?

If your Dss has not slept in this house before surely this is an opportunity to start tweaking his routines on the basis that they haven't yet bedded in at this particular house? If he can knit at his grandma's he can surely cope with a small change at your home?

I think maybe your DP is feeling worried and inns Carolyn guilty snout the changes your cohabitation will bring into his son's life, and he's taking it out, very unfairly but perhaps understandably, on you.

Knit? Do it!

Fucks sake, who is Carolyn? IS FEELING GUILTY ABOUT.