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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my DS out of school

99 replies

onceortwice · 14/09/2012 10:27

It's not really AIBU at all, but I need advice. I've tried the SN boards, but there just isn't much traffic over there.

DS is 4. He has HFA (High functioning autism... Massive IQ. zero social skills).

He is hating school. Last two days have been a nightmare, with him kicking and screaming. I know in my heart he's not going to 'get' it. He's not going to somehow 'get' the social interactions.

I have agreed to keep him in until half term, but I am the one who drops off a screaming child and picks up a patently unhappy one.

he says the class is too busy and too noisy (which it probably is). There are 30 kids and he won't get his draft statement until mid October.

Advice please? No prep school will touch him, so that's not an option.

(and, can I just thank the lovely, amazing lady who talked to me this morning, actually making an effort to come and talk when I was upset... I hope you know how much that was appreciated and I think you will, over time, become a really good friend)

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 14/09/2012 10:32

A HFA kid in a class of 30 is a recipe for disaster, surely?

When is he five? Tbh I would take him out now if your gut tells you to. What's the point of 4 more weeks of misery? He's not even of 'legally required' age.

Do you think his statement will call for different provision? Does the school, or any other local one, have an LRB unit? Where in the uk are you? Could I ask any more questions??

Sirzy · 14/09/2012 10:32

Can the school arrange for him to have a "chill out zone" where he can go when all gets to much in the classroom?

WilsonFrickett · 14/09/2012 10:33

30 kids! Bloody hell that's going to be tough.

What are school doing (not saying they will do, what are they doing?) I understand they probably won't, for example, employ a 1 to 1 before his statement comes in, but there are still loads of things they can do to help him that don't cost.
Have you spoken to the teacher since school started, or HT? You should be making an appointment next week to discuss your concerns, I think.
Is there a better school nearby or are you stuck with what there is?
Can you home ed till the statement comes in?

Realistically (but you already know this) if he is HFA then it's going to be mainstream for him. So you need to get the gloves off and start pushing the school hard for support. Write down every single thing and talk to them about it every single time.

((hugs))

ILiveInAPineapple · 14/09/2012 10:33

Surely the school will have strategies for dealing with this.
I teach in high school and we have strategies for school refusers and children with autism, so I would be amazed if they didn't.
You need to be stamping your feet and making a noise about it as he shouldn't be feeling like that and left miserable all day :-(

ILiveInAPineapple · 14/09/2012 10:34

Also, is there a local village school you cold take him to, even if it means driving, as they often have very small class sizes, and I know a lot of our students with autism have come from smaller schools for exactly that reason.

Original poster

onceortwice · 14/09/2012 10:42

OK... I don't want to change his school because:

His teacher does seem nice
He is fixated on routine. No other school will be 'his' school. This is 'his' school. He asks to go to another school (his sister's) but he doesn't really mean that. I know he doesn't.
He has a fascination with locks / escaping. Atleast if he escaped from this school, he has a safe way home. I would not want to have to drive him to school.

What I want to do is HE. But, I worry that will not help his social skills... but then, I'm quite convinced that school isn't helping his social skills either.

I absolutely hate the idea of another month of this.

OP posts:

5inthebed · 14/09/2012 10:47

Ok. He is only 4, when is he 5? If not next year you don't have to send him to school just yet.

If that is o an option, what about something to keep the noises manageable? Ear defenders worked great for my ds2 who has ASD and in ms.

Are you requesting a full time 1-1 for him in his statement?

5inthebed · 14/09/2012 10:47

And as he is HFA I would say that the social interaction will come with age, with help from 1-1 and teacher.

numbertaker · 14/09/2012 10:49

take him out and home-educate him.

EdMcDunnough · 14/09/2012 10:49

If he is unhappy, then take him out now.

As someone with probably - never diagnosed - mild autism, I found school terrifying, especially when I first started.

Can you continue with the statement process if he is not at school? sorry if silly question, I don't know how it works.

I would second looking at a smaller class size, as someone suggested.

Or at least, give him more time at home - he doesn't have to go till he is five.

HumphreyCobbler · 14/09/2012 10:50

what about doing a shorter day? Would that be of any use? Would he cope better if the session was just for an hour and a half?

ThreeEdgedSword · 14/09/2012 10:51

My brother is the same, when he was at school he had an arrangement with the teachers. If he felt it was all getting a bit much, he would go and stand in the hallway until he felt better. He didn't have to ask, he'd just calmly get up and walk out. Then when he felt up to it he would rejoin the class. A very simple solution, but bloody effective.

He's now at college, has a girlfriend and is doing really well.

EdMcDunnough · 14/09/2012 10:52

Sorry, x posts about changing schools.

You need a proper meeting with the school to establish what they are going to do to help him.

But in the meantime I would just say, take him out, it isn't worth the pain for either of you at this stage (if ever!) and I do think that there are many, many people on the HE bpoard here who will tell you that HE does not negatively affect the social skills, or social lives of their children. It can work far, far better for some kids.

numbertaker · 14/09/2012 10:53

You go to school to get educated not socialised. If your child is that unhappy, listen to your gut and do something. 4 is very young to be forced into social situatations that are distressing him. Both my children are H/E, they don't spend massive amounts of time with other kids, but people are contiually suprised about how easily they mix and can converse confidently with anyone. I am aware your son has SN, but exposing a child to trauma will not improve the situation.

GOLDFaverolles · 14/09/2012 10:54

If you have an option to HE, do it.
Social skills can be gained in smaller groups at his pace, which will probably be more beneficial to him anyway, and he will learn at a pace more suited to him too, because you will be one-to-one most of the time.

IslaValargeone · 14/09/2012 10:55

You say you worry that if you HE him, that may not help his social skills either?
You might be surprised, at least with HE you can control the social interaction and almost adopt a softly-softly approach, so that if situations become too uncomfortable you can step in and therefore build up his confidence and skills.

HumphreyCobbler · 14/09/2012 10:55

yes yes, do agree that school is not the only place to learn social skills. And I am a teacher.

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 10:57

Oh bless him and bless you. Get him out of there...honestly....I have an 8 year old without Autism but who had social problems and I can honestly say now she is 8 that I wish I had kept her out of school until she was 6 when she got more conident.

It would have made NO difference. Your son sounds like he will thrive at home with you....you can look at things again later on...who knows how he will develop late on. In the meantime get on the home education board here and on Education Otherwise website...there WILL be people near you in similar situations who are home educating and you can take DS to join in with activites and meet ups...as much for you as the kids.

JustSpiro · 14/09/2012 11:00

I know someone who part home-eds one of their children. Would that be something worth considering/discussing? You could still have a good routine around doing it and he would perhaps benefit from the social interaction at school in much smaller time slots over a period of time.

zzzzz · 14/09/2012 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

onceortwice · 14/09/2012 11:02

The school don't seem that interested in a shorter day.

If I am really truthful, I don't think the teachers would be all that bothered if I took DS out. One problem off their plate.

I have e-mailed the teacher to ask to talk.

I have to take him out. I have to.

OP posts:

JustSpiro · 14/09/2012 11:03

Also could it be arranged for him to go in slightly later and leave a few minutes earlier so he is not surrounded by quite so much chaos.

My feeling would be that it may be worth trying to get the school to make some compromises and try and keep him in until you have the statement, partly because it does seem very early days to give up, and partly because if you needed to go back to it later I think it may be even harder and more disruptive for you both.

That said, I'm obviously not in your shoes and only you can know what is best for you and your little boy.

JustSpiro · 14/09/2012 11:05

If the school aren't willing to work with you, then I totally agree that taking him out would be the best thing. I'm sure you have enough to cope with without banging your head against a brick wall with teachers who have that kind of attitude.

akaemmafrost · 14/09/2012 11:05

Am rushing out with my Home Educated HFA ds right now OP but my child's school career ended age 8 after being held face down on a desk and having his face banged of it repeatedly in the name of "restraint".

The poster who said a HFA child in a class of 30 kids is a recipe for disaster had it bang on imo. Though it can and does work for some I am sure, not for my ds though. My ds was changing into a child I did not recognise before my eyes, regression, withdrawal from us, echolalia that he had not done for 4 years. Best thing I ever did was pull him out. I have a photo taken at that time, the day he was "restrained" and I cry every time I look at it. He is dressed up for Halloween and next to kids with happy smiling faces, his eyes just look dead. I am scared to think what might have happened if we left him there. Will check the thread and post more later .

akaemmafrost · 14/09/2012 11:09

This book is brilliant and convinced me I was going the right thing. All your concerns about socialisation are covered in it and it makes a lot of sense. It is expensive but maybe get it out the library or a used copy like I did.

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