to take my DS out of school

[onceortwice]

It's not really AIBU at all, but I need advice. I've tried the SN boards, but there just isn't much traffic over there.

DS is 4. He has HFA (High functioning autism... Massive IQ. zero social skills).

He is hating school. Last two days have been a nightmare, with him kicking and screaming. I know in my heart he's not going to 'get' it. He's not going to somehow 'get' the social interactions.

I have agreed to keep him in until half term, but I am the one who drops off a screaming child and picks up a patently unhappy one.

he says the class is too busy and too noisy (which it probably is). There are 30 kids and he won't get his draft statement until mid October.

Advice please? No prep school will touch him, so that's not an option.

(and, can I just thank the lovely, amazing lady who talked to me this morning, actually making an effort to come and talk when I was upset... I hope you know how much that was appreciated and I think you will, over time, become a really good friend)

First of all I will say that I wouldn't HE... only because I am not confident enough and frankly need the break that school gives me.

My son is HFA and is 8 - we've known since he was 6 and we are now on his third (and last chance) MS provision.

This time he has entered a school with they knowing his diagnosis and needs and crucially are willing and able to put support in.

This time he's had a proper settling in period where he was part time (week of mornings, week of afternoons etc) and then he still wasn't sure so the SENCO & I went through the timetable and we basically worked round real trigger stuff (assembleys, unstructured lessons at end of term, PE) be either me collecting early, taking in late or they would take him out for individual work. It kind of worked out 50% then 75% and now 100%
He's now full time - we are in the honeymoon period still but so far so good . He has down time at the end of the day away from his class and he can choose to not go out at break and lunchtimes.

You need to speak to the school ASAP and ask why they wont consider a transition time for your son with a part time timetable. Some schools are concerned re: being seen to illegally exclude a child (by not allowing them full access to education) but you can offer that as he is not yet 5 he legally does not need to go OR you could offer to flexi-learn where you part HE, part school educate. It's do able... lots of paperwork and I bet school will just agree to part time.

Don't forget its new which will be unsettling him anyway - you do kind of have to ride the storm until he's more accepting though a part-time timetable will really, really help.

Also offer to take him home for lunch?

What is the school like? Do they have much knowledge about autism? Do they have a DSP?

You say he is due a statement decision very soon? Please try and hang on for that - long term it will give you so many options.

Hugs - I've have walking in your shoes and it's so very hard x

What about home educating but just taking him to school for one or two things, eg. PE? That way he has a little bit of social interaction but in a limited time span.

take him out of school and educate him yourself.

Thanks for all the messages of support.

I tried to speak to my mum about it last night, but she refused. She bursts out crying if I ever disagree with me, and she is firmly in the 'he's got to go to school' brigade.

I'm more and more adament that he does not (to which she just wails 'Oh, you'll do what you want, you always do what you want'). Why should he be forced to spend his entire childhood doing something he patently can't get his head around?

Family support with home ed (even if as a temporary thing) is great - but it's really really not up to you mum and it's absolutely fine for you to 'do what you want, you always do what you want' in this parenting matter! (and any others - he's your son and you have to be able to live with and feel right about your decisions)

You don't need your mum's permission to HE and she is old enough to manage her own feelings. If you want to HE then do so. It doesn't have to be for his entire childhood. You can try again in a few years if you like.

Obviously, ever disagree with HER (Not me)

She is still in a mood with me this morning. Apparently, my failure to call her on Friday night is the problem now. She does have issues and she does need everything to revolve around her.

She had a pop at me today because I haven't got the children's uniforms ready for tomorrow..... ALl because she still has issues about HER mother when SHE went to school (so we are talking 60 years ago!) This shows that I don't want my children to go to school, apparently.

I hated school. Truly hated it. I don't want that for my DS.

We've put 4 children through swimming lessons where goggles were not allowed until they were at stage 3, they are all extremely confident swimmers and one has passed his life guarding exams. However, this swimming club, had to stop taking non swimmers, as they use the council pool, who decided to start their own lessons. We enrolled our youngest at the council lessons (who allow goggles) and have had to stop them as he was getting nowhere as his water confidence was just not being addressed due, I think, to the fact he wore goggles and was not happy with water in his eyes. I'm hoping I to restart him soon but will be insisting they get him used to water in his face without goggles.

She sounds way too involved tbh. I might discuss choice of school with my mum, but I would never have cause to have a conversation with her about uniforms. She would just not be interested in that level of detail - perhaps because she trusts me as an adult and a parent to have it under control.

If she did stick her beak into detail and then criticise, she would very quickly stop getting answers to her nosey questions.

Oh, I don't discuss it, Schobe - conversations with my mum consist of her firing rapid questions at me!!! She doesn't trust me to do anything. THe last major fight we had was because I refused to drive her down to the petrol station to fill my car up with petrol (because of course, I am too stupid to have either the money or inclination to do it myself... FWIW, I have never run out of petrol! )

Thanks for the advice about goggles, MUM11970

Try a new tactic - lie.

Does your car have petrol? Yes, just filled the tank.
Is DS going to school? Yes, he loves it.
Have you got their uniforms ready? Yes, I've had them for 18 months, pressed and ready in the wardrobe.
[if on phone] oh god the vicar's just walked past completely naked, I have to go [hang up]

Schobe - that made me laugh.

She really doesn't mean to be such hard work. But she is totally supported by both my sister and dad, so she she's it is me that has a problem with her behaviour. Re. the petrol, I got mad, took her to the petrol station and watched her see I ddin't even need £10 worth of petrol... Her response? I haven't filled it up to the top... she had to be SHOWN the petrol guage when the car was switched on again There is no end to her insecurities. And, as I said, both my dad and sister let her get away with it constantly.

Am loving the vicar. She is a staunch catholic, so the idea of a vicar parading naked around my garden might be a step too far

Do I know you, OP?

I think a mother's instincts are rarely wrong.

If the school are not putting stuff in place to help him, I would take him out. Often we're the only advocate they have x

Hello Casserole

I didn't know you were still on here!!! xx

I'm not, really.... just poke my head round every so often.
I hope you get it sorted x

Ha! SO to answer your question: Yes, you do!!

Been called into the office again today, even though DS was happy. I have to stop this.

I am planning to be a home educator (DD is just 1) and I think the socialisation issue is completely overstated, usually by people with no knowledge of how many HE groups/activities there are available!

For children with autistic/aspergers traits, I think too many schools/professionals are, IMO, verging on cruel. I know this is my specific experience, but the HFA children/teens I know will probably never be comfortable in a huge loud crowd - so why put them through the emotional and mental stress (and the physical problems that can cause) when that aim is unlikely to be achieved? Far better to gradually introduce the child to social situations where there is a common interest or aim to engage them, in a group size that is comfortable, and to slowly build up from there.

I am dreading talking to my parents about HE, I recognise some of your mother's phrases from my mum! I have no intention of backing down though, let them cry! (bitch emoticon!)

Your Mother sounds as if she is on the spectrum herself or has other MH issues, so ignore her. You have tried school if it isn't working then fine, do what you need to.
I believe there are MS schools which do very well with ASD kids, but they want to do well, and have enough staff who are highly experienced with such kids (so even if your class teachers is a bit new to it, they have a lot of support). They also have lots of TAs and other support.

Other schools freak out over issues such as a child doing a hand-stand in a puddle, which are really non-issues.

I am at present quite torn over whether I will need to take my youngest out of school, as although she is bright she really doesn't always understand what or how to do what she is asked to do. Unfortunately her very good school, do not seem to realise that when she says reluctantly she doesn't understand, that she really doesn't understand.

I wish I had been homeschooled during some of my secondary time, as I loved learning but hated being at school.

Why were you called in to the office?
Are they differentiating stuff for him? And how's he doing?

Lots of questions, sorry.

Think we are at the point of deregistering.

Called in again today. And other parents complaining about him. :-(

Slippery slope - been there . I know what I would do...

You know your DS. Trust your instincts.