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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think in-laws birthdays are not my responsibility?

58 replies

SheelaNeGoldGig · 14/09/2012 09:47

I remember and sort out cards and pressies for my side but I think it is DHs responsibility to sort them out for his side.

AIBU? He thinks I am.

OP posts:

newmummytobe79 · 14/09/2012 09:50

YANBU.

I do the same but find myself doing DH's side as he just 'forgets'

What annoys me is the MIL reminds me about her friends birthdays for whom we should apparantley send card to aswell and says things like 'have you got so and so's card yet as I'll post it/pass it on' - I now pass the message on to DH ... and sometimes it works!

Why it is seen as the womans job I don't know and it really p*sses me off! So you are not alone!

kim147 · 14/09/2012 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 14/09/2012 09:51

We tend to share the organising. Dh may pick up the cards and paper while I get the presents or vice versa. When I fell out with his SIL, he had to buy her and her husband a present and he forgot.

OneMoreChap · 14/09/2012 09:52

YANBU.

I get reminded, but am expected to get it sorted.

Original poster

SheelaNeGoldGig · 14/09/2012 09:52

He has dared to suggest it is my job because he is even worse at remembering than i am.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/09/2012 09:53

YANBU, your dh is.

I told my dh that he could expect me to do all of those things that are sometimes seen as a wifes job when he does all the things that are sometimes seen as a husbands job. When I don't have to do any paid work or contribute anything financially and he pays for me to have my hair and nails done, go on regular trips away and be a lady that lunches, then I will make it my responsibilty to send his family birthday cards. Until then, he can do it himself.

Kayano · 14/09/2012 09:54

Whoever is off sorts everyones.

The likelihood is that it will be me now we have dd

I don't mind, I love my ILs and see them as my family anyway. I view this 'his and mine' as annoying all round be it birthday cards or bank accounts

Ephiny · 14/09/2012 09:55

Of course YANBU. Why on earth would it not be his responsibility? By his logic then your own family is not your responsibility but his...unless he's saying it's 'women's work'?

I have no idea when any of my IL's birthdays are.

IWishIWasSheRa · 14/09/2012 09:55

I do it. It doesn't bother me at all, there are other things he takes responsibility for on behalf of both of us. It depends on your circumstances tho- do you have equal spare time to sort this out/ joint accounts/ good relationship with his family.
I don't really understand the 'your family/ your responsibilty' as any present is given from us as a family. If your issue is that it solely your financial responsibility as you have separate accounts then make sure it is fair, if it Is because you resent them then you possibly have your own reasons for keeping presents seperate.

HeffalumpsAndGoldenWoozles · 14/09/2012 09:55

It depends on whether you set a precedent or not, once you start doing it you're a bit stuck.

I do try reminding DH about his but past his mum & dad he very rarely remembers, he doesn't get on with his sister so unless I do hers she will get nothing and tbh he's just a bit rubbish at that kind if thing anyway so I generally sort out cards and ask him if he'd like me to get a present for soandso or not. He does say thank you for doing it so I don't really mind.

Kayano · 14/09/2012 09:57

Isn't that sad that you don't know when your il's birthdays are though?

Ephiny · 14/09/2012 09:58

To be fair I don't remember my own family's birthdays either as we don't really bother with adult birthdays on my side, and there are no children in my immediate family at the moment.

Treats · 14/09/2012 10:01

I don't know when my IL's birthdays are . But - tbf - they don't make a huge fuss about them as a family.

DH has always organised cards and presents for them and I sort out my family. It's just the way we've always done it. We know our own families best and what they would like as a gift and how they want to celebrate.

I can't imagine having to do it for him.

Original poster

SheelaNeGoldGig · 14/09/2012 10:02

I barely remember my own.

OP posts:

ThisIsYourSong · 14/09/2012 10:03

We each do our own family, I don't get the being 'off' thing (ie. the parent at home) as for me it means dragging three kids to the shops while he works near loads of fantastic shops, and can go out and buy a present in his lunch hour without kids. If I see something that would be good for the ILs though, I will tell him about it.

StepAwayFromTheORANGECakes · 14/09/2012 10:05

YANBU I leave them to DH. Just as an aside any of you with teenagers with partners do you buy the boyfriend / girlfriend a birthday present? Ds1 (19) has been with his girlfriend for over a year now, I bought her present at xmas but Ds thinks I should buy for her birthday too, I was a bit reluctant to start getting into all that and was just going to get a card, now I'm not sure?
sorry not trying to hijack

Peeenut · 14/09/2012 10:06

Yanbu

BrigitBigKnickers · 14/09/2012 10:09

Oh I get this... In fact it is not only my DH who seems incapable of remembering anyone's birthday- In the past I have received curt texts from my SiL asking me if I have remembered her DHs birthday? (Dhs brother not mine... )

Er no- he isn't my brother... Have you asked his brother?

pictish · 14/09/2012 10:09

Yanbu. This one of those jobs that has mysteriously stayed as the woman's job after we burned our bras and stuff.
Along with ironing his shirts, and making his packed lunches, it one of those tasks I say nay to.
Not that he'd ask me.
He knows I'd give him the face.

pictish · 14/09/2012 10:11

Oh and to add - I have had dh's aunt on the phonme to me loads of times reminding me of this birthday and that. I used to pleasantly tell her dh's mobile number, even though I knew she already had it.
The calls eventually stopped.

MadBusLady · 14/09/2012 10:14

YANBU.

I hate this. I always do my family birthdays in plenty of time because I hate last minute panic. DP knows he should do his (and he has a much bigger family than me so it always someone's birthday), but always leaves it till the last minute and has a massive stress about it, which I then have to share in (as it's usually me turning up empty handed too), so really I might as well do it myself. Must resist though.

TheSmallPrint · 14/09/2012 10:18

I don't do it and never have, I have a huge family on my side and he has three. I think he can manage those.

ZiaMaria · 14/09/2012 10:18

DH always does his own family's birthdays. And signs my name in the cards. I will occasionally pick up the presents, but only when given instructions about what is needed. I also allow him to raid my emergency card stash when he has left it too late.

ScrambledSmegs · 14/09/2012 10:18

YANBU. Although my MIL also seems to think that it's my responsibility to remember DH's family's birthdays etc. I love her, but I disagree with that! DH is an adult with a fully-functionning brain. No reason why he can't send birthday cards to members of his family when necessary.

DH knows it's not my job, and yet still seems to get away with being deeply forgetful, while I get the humphy faces.

ZiaMaria · 14/09/2012 10:19

I am in charge of thank you cards though. He gets responsiblity for things like TripAdviser reviews.

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