to think in-laws birthdays are not my responsibility?

[SheelaNeGoldGig]

I remember and sort out cards and pressies for my side but I think it is DHs responsibility to sort them out for his side.

AIBU? He thinks I am.

I used to do it until He said the vouchers I had bought wasn't a great present for neice and nephew . I then pointed out as he doesn't speak to his brother and we hadn't see the children is 3 years what sort of present was suitable . and didn't post the vouchers he was rushing round 2 days before christmas and then came home asking where the vouchers were

YANBU, DH and I agreed very early on that I would sort out my side of the family and he would do his. We both know our own families best so it is easier to choose presents.

YANBU I leave them to DH. Just as an aside any of you with teenagers with partners do you buy the boyfriend / girlfriend a birthday present? Ds1 (19) has been with his girlfriend for over a year now

gave dd1s boyfriend Christmas present no birthday though I did get him a card . He is 21 this year so will buy a present
. His parents sent us a box of biscuits 2 years ago at christmas so last year I did the same we sent each other the same 5 quid tin of biscuits from the supermarket

imo a card is fine or a token present

Presumably he always used to manage before he married?

What changed?

I had a few years of it being my fault in DH and MIL eyes even when they hadn't reminded or even told me.

Some how I've then got to a point where MIL buys all DH side of family gifts and cards and sorts it all. DH does his parents leaving me with just my family to forget sort.

YANBU.

Yanbu!I was thinking about this recently.dh would never remember birthdays my side of the family, I don't see it's my responsibility to remember his side...annoying thing is, he tends not to buy them presents, I wonder if they think it reflects badly on me?! I don't see why it should be the woman's responsibility to sort out his side though, I barely know them where he has known them forever.

I am rubbish at remembering brithdays as is DH. Difference is I'm close to my family and so spend a lot of time rushing around and apologising for being late, DH (apart from immediate family) isn't as close and generally doesn't care. When we first got married I got a list of all birthdays from his mum. Then she had a major strop when the first year past and we (she meant me) hadn't sent the correct cards at the correct times. She now asks me to remind DH of the birthdays coming up, and I do, but she writes our names in her card anyway as she knows he'll forget/wont bother. I think she's got over it.

I think its sometimes hard for parents to realise that everyone is one more step away for their children. My dad had a little strop at me for forgetting my aunts until my mum asked him to list all of his aunt and uncles birthdays.

Anyway OP sorry for waffling but YANBU. You are not his mother or the guardian of his family relationships. although I do speak to MIL more than DH does and have to remind him to go around

'I bought a nice card for your mother's birthday, do you want to sign it?'

Said no husband ever.

DH is meant to sort his side. I just make sure that all birthdays are on the calendar. The past few years though i've even left it to him to sort their xmas gifts because in near 9 years they've remembered my birthday once

YANBU.

If you are close enough to your in laws to want to send them something anyway, I'd do it (I'd send MIL stuff even if DH didn't). But obviously you're not in that situation.

I don't see what remembering has to do with it, I'm sure if his parents brought him up they know what his memory is like and if he can't get his mind around a calendar/email reminders that's between him and them.

Anyway. It's tough shit as I'm not going to. My brain is too full of my own twaddle to start remembering other proples.

And I have to wait in for the Yodle van (which probably eon't turn up again) And fret about Kitty-Boy who is bring de-bollocked.

So there.

pictish so true
I stopped when one of his relatives behaved like a spoilt little brat.
Now he can do it, but I think they'll just get nothing, and that will be my fault too !

Your not alone.........it drives me mad, when I first met him he sent all his friends card and pressies too :-( I was mud as it costs a fortune, he never sees them so I never bothered as I don't for mine.......only close friends children get them. He doesn't speak to his sister but she expects cards & gifts for her, her husband and all her children! I see her nearly every day but she won't even speak so why should I buy her things??! I send them things and he gets a text saying thank you, not even a thanks at school......it's hilarious :-)
My parents and sister expect nothing but I always make an effort as they spoil my children.
I do however buy it all, get us all to sign them, wrap them & post them yet it drives me mad.......WHY SHOULD I???
I know this drives a lot of my girlfriends mad too so your definatly not alone :-)

I used to do cards for DH's family until his mum moaned that the cards I picked for her weren't slushy enough. (I don't do "slushy" cards).

Ever since then he does them .

Why not just think of them as friends and send a card anyway?

I tend to send out all cards to the ILs (incl SILS, nieces and nephews on DH's side) because I like them and I want to wish them a Happy Birthday. However, it also means it's on my terms. ie I send token gifts to kids and just a card to adults.

DH does his fair share of family jobs. It's not his responsibility or mine, it's just stuff that needs to be done.

The only thing I REFUSE to send is a Mother's Day card to his mum. That is absolutely his responsibility.

I learned the hard way when we got married. I left DH to sort out the thank you cards for his relatives, and I did mine plus parents' friends plus our mutual friends. When we moved house six months later half of them hadn't been written let alone sent and as his parents had posted the invitations to his relatives I didn't even have the addresses to send them to myself. The rest of the paperwork then got lost in the move. I still feel annoyed and ashamed about that.

DH does not remember to do cards or thank you's. If it is put in front of him he will write a thoughtful message, so now I choose, buy, write, address and stamp the envelope and remind him to sign. It's less stressful than leaving him to do it. The only person who hasn't had a card for the last few birthdays is me. ("I did buy it, but I forgot to write it/bring it with me and it's too late now.")

Who did it before you got together, the Fairy Godmother?

YANBU.

YANBU

DH and I are responsible for cards for our own sides of the family.

I HATE the attitude that it's the woman's job.

I quite like sorting the cards and presents, and since we are married, I consider my in-laws to be part of 'our' family. Perhaps its different if you don't like your in-laws I didn't get on well with ExMIL (was audacious enough to marry her PFB) and still managed to sort out cards and presents

I agree with merrylegs it's just something that needs doing. I usually do it, as I'm more likely to be in town but if DH is going to the shops then he does it.
I love most of my in-laws and tolerate the rest because they are good to my DC so it's not a chore to me.

YANBU. I agree with pictish as well. It seems to be seen as a woman's job, dealing with these things.

I don't know ILs birthdays, I don't really care, I have enough people to remember on my side and I doubt DH would take it upon himself to buy gifts or cards for them.

I think it depends on the set up in your household. If there is a SAHP who deals with general household admin, kids, running the house etc, then to me this would fall in that bracket.

If you both work full time, then fair enough, each should probably do their own.

If it's just 'something that needs doing' and it doesn't matter who does it...it's just curious how it almost always seems to be the woman's job. I have never heard of a man remembering the birthdays of his wife's family when she doesn't, and organising cards and presents for them (though I'm happy to be corrected if this is the case for some people!).

Also, I don't agree it needs doing. I would be quite happy if everyone just stopped bothering!

I don't really understand the 'your family/ your responsibilty' as any present is given from us as a family. If your issue is that it solely your financial responsibility as you have separate accounts then make sure it is fair, if it Is because you resent them then you possibly have your own reasons for keeping presents seperate.

But it's ok to have shared responsibility if it's just that: shared. From what OP has said, her DH seems to think that it is solely her responsibilty to sort presents/cards out for his family and hers. How is that fair? If OP was doing a favour by picking presents up or something like that, fair enough, but why should she have to be the one to plan, decide, get and pay for all the presents/cards?

I think it's just easier to sort your own family out (and by family, I mean the one that was yours before you met your OH), as that way you are sharing responsibility. Plus you're more likely to knw what your family wants anyway. If I had nothing else to do I would sort it, however I work full time and have a menagerie of animals to care for, so haven't the time to OH's shopping, too. Why it's seen by some as the responsibility of women, along with washing/ironing/lunch-making etc., I have no idea. Men are not children and don't need mothering or running around after, so why should OP do it?