To be angry with my parents telling me that my children are "wild and out of control"?

[Traceymac2]

I am a mum to 3 girls of 17 wks, 2 yrs and 4 yrs. I no longer live in the UK so don't see my family very often.
My dh has been away on a business trip for the last 2 wks so my parents came to help me with my dd's, they also haven't seen them for nearly a year.
The night before they were due to leave my mother told me that my dd's were wild and out of control and that i need to do something about it. I became very upset by this, it is simply not true. My dd1 can be a bit stroppy and challenging at times of late, usually when she is tired or bored. My 2 yr old also can be stroppy when tired, can be quite stubborn if she doesnt want to do something and they do fight over toys which often ends in tears. These behaviours don't happen all of the time and they both have very endearing aspects to their personalities too. To me this is normal behaviour of children of this age, they are no different to my friends dcs from what I can see. I said that it is not acceptable to say such things to me about my children. She told me it needed to be said. I disagreed and she told me she would tell anyone the same if necessary. They said that they are already acting like unruly teenagers and that my skills as a parent need to be questioned. I feel like they have labelled them as "bad" and thats it. My father was very authoritarian in his approach to parenting, neither myself or my siblings have good memories of him from our childhood. He shouted at my 4 dd on this visit to "stop behaving like an animal" when she held a piece of plain spagetti against the wall in a cafe. Ok she shouldn't have done it but I simply will not speak to them like this. I am not an absent parent by any means but I don't them living in fear of me. The upshot of all of this was that they decided to leave there and then, a day early stating they were no longer welcome. I haven't spoken to them since as I am so upset with them and I am not sure that this can be resolved as I feel they have gone to far this time. Am I being unreasonable?

akaemmafrost

Where does the OP say that her parents are elderly? OP could be 25. If her mother were 22 when she was born, the grandmother would hardly be elderly, would she? So she would not have old fashioned' ideas. Pressing spaghetti onto a wall in someone else's property, whether public or private, should not be tolerated.

I wonder what other customers thought and whether OP cleared up the sticky mark on the wall.

You are right rulebrittania we cannot know if the parents are elderly, I surmised they were from their attitude. Just as we cannot know that "more went on" or anything about sticky marks on walls that may or may not have been cleaned off by the op or if the behaviour was tolerated by the op.

Awful lot more assumptions in your posts than man tbh.

There is a big difference between "held" and "pressing" as well. Whichever it was though, shouting at a 4 yo that they are behaving like an animal is out of order.

I would have though a 'no don't do that' or 'stop it', or 'be nice', 'or we don't put food on wall' or even a 'no' would have been more appropriate way of dealing with the food on wall issue rather calling the DC an animal.

Oblivious it was wrong and needed needed dealing with - but I hadn't read the OP was letting the DC get away with such behavior just she felt her father dealt with it incorrectly.

I also think to leap from food on wall once to out of control DC behaving like teenagers and the OP being a 'bad' mother is a bit of a leap for her mother to have made.

I don't think anyone on here can tell you OP if your DC are badly behaved and your parents had a point.

I know parents who do let their DC run wild and don't correct or discipline and make constant excuses for their DC bad behavior. I also know people who have ridicules expectations of how young DC should behave.

If there is an issue the with your DC op the school will be finding ways of telling you, as will other parents - they may not tell you outright in a blunt fashion but they will be telling you.

YANBU - you parents are being the bad parents by not being supportive. Children of 2 and 4 are generally no angels and it sounds like you take the appropriate action if they are naughty.

Yanbu. Children generally do not behave perfectly all the time. And any changes, eg Daddy being away, can make them worse. But if generally their behaviour is ok and you deal with incidents appropriatly as they arise then there is no cause for concern.
Focusing purely on the negatives, as your parents seem to do, is very damaging and will not improve their behaviour -quite the opposite.
Sounds like your parents are forgetting that YOU are now the parent and are still trying to tell you what to do.

Ugh. YADNBU.

They were rude and critical, then created MORE emotional shit for you by storming off. If anyone is "wild and out of control" it's them.

If it was an afternoon visit I'm inclined to say he was rude as DC might have just been over excited but they were with you for 2 weeks which implies his outburst was brought on by frustration at seeing miscreant behaviour over that duration.

If I saw a child sticking spaghetti to the wall anywhere I would not be impressed and I don't consider myself old!

It's never going to be an easy thing to hear though is it?

If they were my parents and had called my child an "animal", they would not be allowed to be around untill they had learned how to behave. How can your parents possibly think you are spoiling a 17 week old baby?

cassandra that's interesting about other will be parents telling you. What are the signs from other parents?

I have a 'friend' whose DS is wild and of course telling her to her face is out of the question so I simply avoid having him over and try to arrange childless time with her.

'stop behaving like an animal' is different to 'you are an animal'

Pressing a piece of pasta against a wall is NOT behaving like an animal. Horrible thing to say to a child.

It's behaving like a brat, and it was probably the straw that broke the camels back.

You are saying everything about a four year old and her mother and nothing about what the OP has said about her parents and their attitudes over the years to her and her siblings. What are you opinions on that floggingmolly and I disagree that it is necessarily behaving like a brat. If it was repeated yes. But plenty of 4 year old children have momentary "I wonder what would happen if I" lapses in my opinion. Not bratty, not behaving like an animal.

brass They disagree or make no comments when the parents explain the DC behavior away, or they make comments, they suggest courses or ways of control, they eventually stop their DC socializing with them outside school - so they don't do play dates or get party invites.

Least that what I've seen happen to parents who let the DC get away with bad behavior.

Not that the parents took it on board - people telling them their DC at that age didn't do that, or that wasn't acceptable are dismissed they don't understand why play dates are turned down or party invites not forthcoming. They say the schools expect to much etc.

My DC 6 is considered very well behaviored by school and other parents but she has to be remind not to smear source on her hands when eating out - not something she does at home. So I'd say one incident doesn't mean there were others or that there is a pattern of misbehavior.

YANBU.
I think you may be sister OP! I only have one 4 year old and my DF has shouted at her for not behaving when he had dragged us to a pub for lunch involving us sitting around for ages and DC getting bored. DC is a normal, average 4 year old who gets bored in a boring pub.

Come to think of it my DH is similar when he wants to have a quiet breakfast somewhere totally not child friendly to cure a hangover. Drives me nuts.

Really feel for you on this one. My parents are exactly the same, to the point where we avoid seeing them (feel obliged to about twice a year). Ds1 was quite difficult when he was younger But only later found out he had autism, so can now understand why. Not that parents believe in ASD, they think it's just made up to excuse badly behaved children! Other 3 are typical Kids, bit boisterous, argue quite a bit etc but are generally well behaved. We have even had strangers comment on how well behaved they are, sitting nicely in restaurants, not charging about etc (proud parent!) ok so they are not always so good but hey ho.
Parents have told us in no uncertain terms that we need to sort them out, that we can't carry on like this Etc etc. It doesn't help that in their eyes their other gc are angels and they even phone to tell me how wonderful they are. (they have never actually met their other gc though as live on other side of the world!)
Yes it grates. Like you my childhood wasnt exactly cheery and I am so tempted to tell them this, but I just bite my tongue and carry on. I just keep telling myself they are old and have forgotten what children are like.

The spagetti incident in the cafe was the only naughty thing that dd1 did throughout the meal, her and dd2 both had pencils and pictures to colour in. They were a bit fidgity but remained in their seats, I chose a booth and sat on the outside of the seat so they couldn't escape!
It was dd1s 4th birthday lunch. The pasta didn't get pressed into the wall but there is a chance it would have if not told to stop!
I felt angry with my father for speaking to her like that because that is exactly how he spoke to me as a child, he has no right to speak to my child like that.
They do have lots of play dates and dd1 has had the same little friends since we moved here 2 yrs ago. My dd1's best friends mothers often offered to have her/the 2 older ones for the afternoon many times during my pregnancy and since the baby has been born, if they were very difficult this wouldn't happen.
As I said I asked the playgroup teachers daily how they were/behaved at pick up time and I am generally told good. Dd1 had to be corrected at the beginning of last wk several times after the summer break but now they say she is good and has settled well. Her best friend is in the class too so the pair of them were very giddy at first.
I know they aren't saints and are naughty at times but not excessively so. My dd's are the oldest of the gc's, the others are all babies. I am just hoping they aren't model children so mine will appear normal!!

I only have a 2yo so I can't give much of an opinion on your 4yo. However my nephew is 4 and I can certainly imagine that children of that age might try things out sometimes to see what sort of a reaction they get (especially if overexcited with lots of attention or if they start showing off). In that case a firm "No" and disapproving, "DD, you know not to put food on the walls, stop that at once" should suffice and if the child did it again THEN I would read the riot act.

As for the 2yo, well my son is only just 2 but I thought it was in the job description that they should act like gorillas?

I was a really well-behaved child and would never have dreamed of doing something like the spaghetti trick even at 4. However not all children develop at the same rate and some people might have considered me to be more than a bit boring .

My partner is in his late 40s and he still gets stroppy when tired. In small children it's completely normal. I think your parents are BU, especially with their attitude towards a 2yo for heaven's sake!

Thanks MyLastDuchess, I did say to my mother that dd2 is only 2yrs old to which she replied "no she isn't she is nearly 2 1/2!

I sympathise with you OP, I really do, my DH works away & my mother often comes for extended stays (at her behest) & I have had this exact charge levelled at me.

My children are lively, & yes, I know, many people on here see this as a synonym for badly behaved, but children are different, as are adults, some are lively & loud & exuberent some are more introvert, self contained and quite happy to entertain themselves.

I have seen (slightly smug) parents of two quiet, gentle & beautifully behaved DCs emerge shell-shocked & dishevelled after the arrival of a third, whirlwind personality.

For the main part, the general demeanor of children is luck, pure luck, no matter how many parents would like to believe differently.

It's how you deal with these differences that sorts the good from the bad parents.

In my case my children respond very well to firm, calm, consistent handling, any deviation & all hell generally breaks loose.

My mother personifies that deviation, she wasn't a great parent, lacked patience, was very shouty & made her displeasure know by withdrawal of affection.

She now employs the same tactic with my own children & they play her like a bloody violin. You can guarantee that left alone with them for more than 10 minutes it will result in a lot of schreechy shouting & children running wild. It generally takes them a good few days for them to calm down after she has visited, I now limit visits.

So yes, in her eyes they are demons, in mine, they are generally well behaved, lovely, personable little people that sometimes need a VERY FIRM LINE.

& my tactic with her?

IGNORE.

Given your last post, OP, I think you know whose behaviour you need to deal with and it not your DC's.

You have clearly fired a warning shot across their bows. Let them go away and have a think, observe other children and realise what they will be missing out on.

Time is a great healer.

If my parents had spoken to me like that I would have shown them the door.

YANBU

Rude, judgemental and frankly not their place - even if it is true. Besides, the behaviour you describe sounds pretty normal considering your kids ages. This from people who haven't seen them in a year. I would have told her straight to bog right off.

I wouldn't call them - they were out of order.

YANBU. Even if it were true, it would be a completely unhelpful thing to say. Looking after three children under the age of 5, one of whom is a baby, is immensely hard work, and you deserve support and encouragement and to be told you're doing a good job. Saying "stop behaving like an animal" is absolutely disgusting. Seems to me your parents are the ones who are out of control.

when younger cousins come along your older DC whilst still small to you may be treated like much older children by the grandparents.

This certainly happened with MIL. As soon as SIL had her babies my two were supposed to blend in the background like adults, spoken to very brusquely as if they no longer had the same needs of children.